Adult Children leaving nest shattered

[bitterhope]

He has stepped up and found a job and still you are unhappy about this. I’ve been a military wife for 12 of the last 18 years–most active duty. My husband got out and went back because you really can’t beat the military insurance and benefits. You at one point point out the he will only make $40,000 as an officer, but this is only to start out. It’s taken my husband 12 years to make that, so imagine where your son in law will be financially soon enough. His student loans will be taken care of. His insurance is the best available in the US and fully funded. There will be no further medical bills if they choose wisely among the three options available to active duty families. They will have housing or at least a housing allowance paid to them (tax free in addition to his base pay). With 8 kids, several with health problems, and surgeries, and my own health problems and hearing aids, in the 12 years we’ve been active duty, I’ve had $150 in medical bills total. Most of my over the counter medicines are even paid for. We have no copays at the doctor or pharmacy unless I choose to go out of network. We do not see Army Drs, all our care is off post with civilian providers and specialists. It is the only way possible to raise 8 kids and not starve. He has found a way to completely support his family and that should make you proud, relieved, happy and thankful. Why are you angry enough now to post about how lazy he is? Why not be this upset before when he was unemployed? I’m not understanding why you find this so horrendous except for the fact it removes them from your control.

 

[AdamP88]

He has stepped up and found a job and still you are unhappy about this. I’ve been a military wife for 12 of the last 18 years–most active duty. My husband got out and went back because you really can’t beat the military insurance and benefits. You at one point point out the he will only make $40,000 as an officer, but this is only to start out. It’s taken my husband 12 years to make that, so imagine where your son in law will be financially soon enough. His student loans will be taken care of. His insurance is the best available in the US and fully funded. There will be no further medical bills if they choose wisely among the three options available to active duty families. They will have housing or at least a housing allowance paid to them (tax free in addition to his base pay). With 8 kids, several with health problems, and surgeries, and my own health problems and hearing aids, in the 12 years we’ve been active duty, I’ve had $150 in medical bills total. Most of my over the counter medicines are even paid for. We have no copays at the doctor or pharmacy unless I choose to go out of network. We do not see Army Drs, all our care is off post with civilian providers and specialists. It is the only way possible to raise 8 kids and not starve. He has found a way to completely support his family and that should make you proud, relieved, happy and thankful. Why are you angry enough now to post about how lazy he is? Why not be this upset before when he was unemployed? I’m not understanding why you find this so horrendous except for the fact it removes them from your control.

Wow. The army certainly takes care of their own. Can an Irish guy enlist? Sure you guys are practically all Irish anyway…lol

 

[bitterhope]

Wow. The army certainly takes care of their own. Can an Irish guy enlist? Sure you guys are practically all Irish anyway…lol

Might as well. My husband is Mexican. Well, he’s a US citizen now. Another thing the Army helped us with…

 

[PolarGuy]

OP’s son in law may be many things, but lazy is not among them when you’re in the army!

 

[Irishmom2]

It’s been 7months since he is here not a student, no longer studying for the bar, with bills to pay and a wife to care for. Plenty of jobs he could’ve taken before my husband had to insist he go to the employment agency. We did not sign up for him sitting around playing video games all day long while we pay every bill Perhaps you should have treated him as the adult he now is and not taken on his care as if he was a child. and care for his wife. So now you sound like you resent having to care for your daughter? Why did you allow them to live with you anyway? It’s overdue for him to adult now. If HE not us, wants so badly to stay near us then why disrespect and take advantage of us then expect everyone to be happy to be near him or trust him ever again.
His plan B is coming to full picture now and all is well in his world except that we now feel used That was kind of your own doing. and trampled on. He could take her wherever she agrees to for all I care so long as they have a plan to keep her healthy and not be “kept” like a housecat Honestly, this comment is really disrespectful to your daughter as well as your son-in-law. or call on me to pay the bills or drive 8hours to go through this all over again for 4 years or however long. So, don’t. It is no longer your place to do so. They are married and you are not responsible for your daughter any longer. We wished better for our daughter Wow. I hope you never said that to your daughter. and expected some respect from him not arrogance and laziness under our roof squeezing our savings. None of this is changeable. What’s done is done. It is their life. I’m not keeping them from going.
I’m just not happy being around him at all and only wanted advice on how to get past this for the future of our family. You get past this by treating them BOTH as adults and wishing them the best in their new life. Be happy for them. Congratulate them on their new life. Support their choices. Don’t act like the military is some kind of lower or lesser choice just because it wasn’t his first choice. Quite frankly, your comments about the military are disrespectful to anyone here that is a military family. It may end up being just what they both need to grow up.

Your daughter may have problems with her health, but perhaps you should let go of her and let her try to fly with her own wings for a change. If she is constantly hearing from you how she is as helpless as a cat, that has to be cared for by someone, that has to affect her thinking about herself. What might be better is for you to build her confidence up that things will work out.

 

[mommy_k]

We all want the best for our children. If you feel he has taken advantage of you perhaps it would help to start to see your daughter and him as uniited, a married couple. You helped them both.

Sometimes it’s helpful to see thing as they appear on the surface-they needed help to get situated and now an oportunity has come along that is far away-and you will be missing your daughter and wish that they could live closer.

 

[bitterhope]

OP’s son in law may be many things, but lazy is not among them when you’re in the army!

We do sacrifice a lot as a family. It’s certainly not free, except the money type of free. But compared to what we have on the civilian side we are much better off in the Army. Not everything is perfect and dental and vision plans could be a little better but over all we are so blessed. It’s not the life for everyone, it does sound like it will benefit this couple though. Even if it doesn’t, it isn’t permanent, it’s evaluated quite often, and at least it was an attempt at independence. This is a time to emotionally support them and cheer them on despite a parent’s own worries. No one should be trying to make things more difficult and scary for them.

 

[TeaBelle]

I won’t be back to this thread, I’ve gotten more than what I was looking for here and hope you all go in the peace and love of Christ There have been some very Christian and helpful advice and prayers offered. I came here to seek help because I’ve been hurting so much feeling used and helpless for our daughter. Thank you for those who actually read all the thread and helped by suggesting certain prayers that I emailed to all our concerned family (btw I think it is already helping! Amen!) I will continue to pray. Counseling was also good suggestion and I will do that if things don’t get better. Books to read and saints to pray to. Tysvm:sparkles:
For those who didn’t catch that my daughter doesn’t want to go and is praying for a miracle, idk what country we live in anymore that she would have no say in your view of her own future. She is no ones property and no wife should have to pray not to be taken to the military, regardless if she is well or not. We have had no involvement in any of this.
What’s done is done. We have never dictated to either on having to live near us. She is ill and loves us. It is what he has promised her IF she follows him. She was 3 hours away for 3yrs. We have not coddled her into her state. We only gave too much and jumped every time they both needed us. 8 hours would be exhausting. I cry to think of it
If we didn’t love them both we would not be hurting. How he has been behaving over these 7month is disrespectful to everyone to the point we don’t recognize him. Prayers for this reason alone have worn me out and it hurts to have him act this way to us. And we are tired of writing checks to someone disrespectful and unappreciative. We feel used.
To those who don’t understand our shattered feelings it may be that it hasn’t happened to you and would not wish it on anyone. My heart hurts so much and I just wanted help…
To the military comments, I have deep appreciation for all and their families. I was a navy wife raising my kids in war time alone. It is not an easy path and not for everyone. I have never said a negative thing to my daughter regarding the military or her health. We would love to be supportive if we were even given the decency of a conversation on his plan for them. This is the hurtful part on how awful it all came about.
If you can’t understand mayb don’t post, hateful comments were not helpful. I expected better from a “Catholic” forum. Most of the replies here I could’ve gotten from Facebook haters. I’ve taken the criticisms to heart and examined myself even harsher than I already was. I’m an honest, open, over-giving person who loves her family. And I appreciate the “good Catholic advice” God Bless us all. Walking home with Jesus now. See you there:sparkling_heart: