M
MomofConvert
Guest
My daughter has always been troubled, begging at around 14 she became depressed. It was difficult but she still managed to maintain grades and survive high school. I hoped that with college better times would come for her.
When she was 13 she wanted to be a catholic. At the time I was against this and told her to wait until she was an adult and hoped it was just a phase. When she was 18 she told us she was going to RCIA classes and that she hoped we still loved her but she needed to do this. She became catholic the summer after HS graduation.
Into college we grew closee. However nothing could prepare her for the depression that would return a few semesters into college. For over a year she spent every day in misery. She called me daily crying. Some days she was unable to get up from bed. She somehow managed to maintain decent grades s. She tried several medications over the course of 2 years and saw numerous therapists. She was diagnosed with sever, recurrent depression.
Said she needed to tell me the real reason she was depressed. She told me that as a child she had been sexually abused for a long time. This family member is a known sexual offender who went to prison about a year ago for raping his own daughter. The extent of his abuse to our daughter and other children was very bad - keeping them in a cage, forcing them to perform sexual acts on each other and other adults, being burned with cigarettes. She endured this from the time she was young, and was later raped on multiple instances by the same relative in HS. She had been afraid at the time and couldn’t tell. She had become VERY guilty when she discovered her younger cousin had been abused and raped by this person. She felt that if she had been more honest she could have spared the other girl pain.
By october was suicidal and had made 2 attempts. After recovering she promised she would never attempt suicide again. She said that she had accepted the fact her life was not meant to be happy, but if God has allowed her to survive two suicide attempts he must want her to live for some reason and would try her best to keep going. She has not attempted self harm or suicide again but I believe this has made her depression even worse. She says that now that suicide is not an option, she feels even more trapped. In december she reluctantly tried shock therapy. She has recieve this treatment twice but by mid december had steadily slipped into deeper depression.
She spent the holidays alone but began talking to us a little more toward mid january and by the end of january seemed almost happy. I noticed how much better she seemed - she was saying how excited she was for the new school semester, telling us about the things she was doing with her friends, discussing her new job as a tour guide on campus. I thought to myself, “she seems almost cured” but didn’t want to jinx it by asking her about her depression. However about a week ago I brought it up. Here is a basic rundown of the conversation…
*Me: You seem to be doing so well! do you know what has helped so much?
Daughter: I’m taking it slow and every so often I’ll have a bad moment or day. For the first time in years I am honestly happy. I wanted to talk to you about this but not sure how you’ll react.
Me: what do you mean?
D: I thought depression was my burden and my cross I was supposed to bear for God. I never asked him to take it away.
Me: Ok…
D: The suicidal thoughts came back. Don’t freak out! I went to my priest and told him everything. He said asked ‘have you tried asking God to lift this burden from you?’ I didn’t want to ask because I thought it was selfish. But one night it got so bad I just broke down and begged God to take away my depression. It was ruining my life. I told God that I wanted to badly to do his will in my life but with this depression I could never fufill his purpose or help others. So I begged him to take it away and promised that if he did I would try my very best to discover his will for met. I think his will for me is to be a nun. I’ve thought about it for a few years but I have been thinking more seriously about it. I am not jumping into it, though.
Me: What? Why do you think that is gods will?
D: I knew that if my depression continued I would never finish school, have a stable job. my friendships were crumbling. I would never have been able to have a healthy relationship or be a responsible wife or mother. I told God that if he were to remove the depression, which would allow me to finish school, start a career, and have healthy relationships, I would pursue the possibility of a religious vocation. I told him that if it was his will I was willing to sacrifice the idea of getting married someday, since that was something I would never do successfully under my curent circumstances. I asked that if it was his will I get married that he still guide me to the right husband so I know, but that if it wasn’t he would help me be more and more sure about becoming a nun.
Me: So what does this mean? Are you sure.
D: I’m not 100% sure I’m going to be a nun, but its a possibility. I am going to pray about it and talk to nuns and priests and learn about it. I’m going to finish college as planned. I can be a teacher as a nun or layperson. After college I hope to have a better idea of what God wants me to do. But right now I want to you to know I am seriously discerning a religious vocation and waiting to see what come of it - I have to keep my promise. *
On one hand I am happy. She seems so stable and calm. She is no longer on medication. She continues going to therapy. However I feel she has made the decision to pursue a religious vocation for the wrong reasons. What is her depression was cured simply because she believed it would be and God doesn’t really want her to be a nun? Could she be having some sort of mental problem different from depression? Just looking for some insight and advice!
When she was 13 she wanted to be a catholic. At the time I was against this and told her to wait until she was an adult and hoped it was just a phase. When she was 18 she told us she was going to RCIA classes and that she hoped we still loved her but she needed to do this. She became catholic the summer after HS graduation.
Into college we grew closee. However nothing could prepare her for the depression that would return a few semesters into college. For over a year she spent every day in misery. She called me daily crying. Some days she was unable to get up from bed. She somehow managed to maintain decent grades s. She tried several medications over the course of 2 years and saw numerous therapists. She was diagnosed with sever, recurrent depression.
Said she needed to tell me the real reason she was depressed. She told me that as a child she had been sexually abused for a long time. This family member is a known sexual offender who went to prison about a year ago for raping his own daughter. The extent of his abuse to our daughter and other children was very bad - keeping them in a cage, forcing them to perform sexual acts on each other and other adults, being burned with cigarettes. She endured this from the time she was young, and was later raped on multiple instances by the same relative in HS. She had been afraid at the time and couldn’t tell. She had become VERY guilty when she discovered her younger cousin had been abused and raped by this person. She felt that if she had been more honest she could have spared the other girl pain.
By october was suicidal and had made 2 attempts. After recovering she promised she would never attempt suicide again. She said that she had accepted the fact her life was not meant to be happy, but if God has allowed her to survive two suicide attempts he must want her to live for some reason and would try her best to keep going. She has not attempted self harm or suicide again but I believe this has made her depression even worse. She says that now that suicide is not an option, she feels even more trapped. In december she reluctantly tried shock therapy. She has recieve this treatment twice but by mid december had steadily slipped into deeper depression.
She spent the holidays alone but began talking to us a little more toward mid january and by the end of january seemed almost happy. I noticed how much better she seemed - she was saying how excited she was for the new school semester, telling us about the things she was doing with her friends, discussing her new job as a tour guide on campus. I thought to myself, “she seems almost cured” but didn’t want to jinx it by asking her about her depression. However about a week ago I brought it up. Here is a basic rundown of the conversation…
*Me: You seem to be doing so well! do you know what has helped so much?
Daughter: I’m taking it slow and every so often I’ll have a bad moment or day. For the first time in years I am honestly happy. I wanted to talk to you about this but not sure how you’ll react.
Me: what do you mean?
D: I thought depression was my burden and my cross I was supposed to bear for God. I never asked him to take it away.
Me: Ok…
D: The suicidal thoughts came back. Don’t freak out! I went to my priest and told him everything. He said asked ‘have you tried asking God to lift this burden from you?’ I didn’t want to ask because I thought it was selfish. But one night it got so bad I just broke down and begged God to take away my depression. It was ruining my life. I told God that I wanted to badly to do his will in my life but with this depression I could never fufill his purpose or help others. So I begged him to take it away and promised that if he did I would try my very best to discover his will for met. I think his will for me is to be a nun. I’ve thought about it for a few years but I have been thinking more seriously about it. I am not jumping into it, though.
Me: What? Why do you think that is gods will?
D: I knew that if my depression continued I would never finish school, have a stable job. my friendships were crumbling. I would never have been able to have a healthy relationship or be a responsible wife or mother. I told God that if he were to remove the depression, which would allow me to finish school, start a career, and have healthy relationships, I would pursue the possibility of a religious vocation. I told him that if it was his will I was willing to sacrifice the idea of getting married someday, since that was something I would never do successfully under my curent circumstances. I asked that if it was his will I get married that he still guide me to the right husband so I know, but that if it wasn’t he would help me be more and more sure about becoming a nun.
Me: So what does this mean? Are you sure.
D: I’m not 100% sure I’m going to be a nun, but its a possibility. I am going to pray about it and talk to nuns and priests and learn about it. I’m going to finish college as planned. I can be a teacher as a nun or layperson. After college I hope to have a better idea of what God wants me to do. But right now I want to you to know I am seriously discerning a religious vocation and waiting to see what come of it - I have to keep my promise. *
On one hand I am happy. She seems so stable and calm. She is no longer on medication. She continues going to therapy. However I feel she has made the decision to pursue a religious vocation for the wrong reasons. What is her depression was cured simply because she believed it would be and God doesn’t really want her to be a nun? Could she be having some sort of mental problem different from depression? Just looking for some insight and advice!
