Adult son is still dependent

  • Thread starter Thread starter SecretBeliever
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

SecretBeliever

Guest
Hi all,

Help! I need to know how to handle this in a Catholic/Christian (i.e. correct!) way.

My son is almost 30, and he is very intelligent; just no common sense. He was a Marine; got out and lived with his dad. (we’re divorced, not relevant right now) Decided he couldn’t stand it anymore and wanted to come home to Virginia, so we (second husband and I, again, not relevant just now) arranged an interview where we work, and he got the job. So we helped him get across the country, helped him secure an apartment, and for a while he was doing great–a 20-something guy on his own, not even needing a roommate!

Well–he got a wild hair and decided that California was the place he oughta be so he loaded up the truck and moved to – San Diego. He basically bounced from job to job there, sometimes rooming with his “friend”, sometimes sleeping on people’s couches, getting tickets and losing his license, etc. until he decided he’d had enough and showed up unannounced on Christmas Eve a couple years ago. He’d arranged with a friend here that he’d met before he left for CA to stay with him and got a job at a video store and an auto parts store (of course while trying to find a “real” job) until the friend (and his wife!) had enough of him and urged him to move on.

Somehow he got a job doing remodeling, and did that for about a year or so, living with a co-worker who got tired of it, ending up bouncing from job to job again, living with his girlfriend–all the while racking up more tickets, driving violations, etc. Well, his girlfriend is over it now too, and they’ve decided to not renew their lease in July and go their separate ways (logistically, but still wanting to stay a “couple”). But the poor little guy (a little sarcasm here) just can’t keep a job or keep his license. He had to do jail time for a couple weekends, and after the latest court appearance has lost his license again and will have to be under house arrest (electronic monitoring) for 10 days, plus pay about $730 in fines etc.

Hubby and I have tried to help him out numerous times (as has his dad) and right now he’s staying with us, doing some remodeling work at our house so he will earn some money–and here it comes–he now wants to stay with us until he can get back on his feet again after the lease runs out and while he’s trying to find a job. AGAIN.

I suppose helping him out is the charitable thing to do, but yet I can’t seem to pound it into him to take responsibility for himself (for the umpteenth time)! I know so many parents have to go through this, but I’m so torn between having to help him out and moving without leaving him a forwarding address? I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. Do I have to do this forever? Is this my cross to bear? I will say, though, that my husband (his stepdad) is very understanding of the whole situation, especially since both he and I have been in similar positions before. But we were disciplined enough to get out of it!

:confused::mad:
 
There are some questions to ask yourself in making a decision here. The first is, what will your son learn from your decision? If you think he will change given more time, why? What is it in his environment that will cause a change? People don’t make a life change for no reason. When someone decides that today they will quit smoking or begin going to church regularly, it’s because something else happened to motivate that new behavior. How will allowing your son to stay (or not) motivate new behavior? You may hope that he will change, but hope isn’t a plan. Maybe you can set up conditions. For example, before he moves back in, he needs a life plan. That life plan must include analysis of his strengths and weaknesses in life and employment, his plan for getting and keeping a job, his plans to grow in his faith, etc. You can also set house rules. He may be an adult, but he’s under your roof. Is it okay for him to use drugs, drive, have overnight guests, etc. If he will live at home, it’s okay to treat him as less than an adult. If you make it too comfortable, he’s not motivated to grow up. Your description indicates that he is good at taking advantage of others. How will you prevent this if you allow him to live at home? Maybe you can take him to a retreat - Cursillo retreats are good. Write out everything you expect - and all that he agrees to, along with consequences for when he “breaks the rules” (and he will). Then you MUST follow what you agree to.

And one more thing - pray! God can guide you in this. Read scripture to find out what God expects of you with regard to your children - and to your husband (he - your husband - should come first in most cases with an adult child). You can pray the rosary for your son, or say a novena, or place him on the altar (figuratively) during the consecration, or offer a Holy Hour for him, or all of the above.

I’ll offer a rosary for you tonight.
Colleen
 
It is good and charitable to help out family when things happen outside of our control. It is not necessarily a good thing if one reinforces irresponsible behavior. My brother once told me that a parent should not stand in the way of what God is doing to their children. Whom God loves, he chastises. Parents who intervene do not help.

I turned away my nineteen year old just last week, so I know how hard it can be. I have sense received confirmation of the wisdom of this decision and that helps at least with the second-guessing. I will pray for your son when offer prayers for mine.
 
It sounds like your son has no reason to be responsible for his own life, as long as some else is there to let him do what he wants. I would tell him that he is now responsible for obtaining and maintaining his own living arrangements, that your motel is now closed. Even his girl friend got sick of it. It will be hard, but I’m thinking that if he has to sink or swim, he will be doing the backstroke before you know it.
 
You said your son was a Marine. Was he in a combat area? Just curious if he might be struggling with more here, like PTSD. If so, I would encourage him to contact the VA for help or even a local VFW.

If that’s not it, this is what I told my son when he moved out of the house.
  1. If he ever moved back, I don’t care how old he is he lives by my rules
  2. If he is not working, he has 6 weeks to get a job, if he doesn’t secure a job within that time, he is welcome to stay in the garage, he will be allowed in 2x a day to use the restroom and shower. (Our garage is detached :p, no heat, cable or internet in the garage either)
  3. If he does get a job, he is allowed to stay for up to 6 months to get back on his feet, although he will give me at least 1/2 of every pay check to save for him to move out.
He has been out on his own for 3 years now!!! We joke about this, although he knows I will follow through with it if I have to!! 👍
 
JustAnotherThou said:
You said your son was a Marine. ** Was he in a combat area? ** Just curious if he might be struggling with more here, like PTSD. If so, I would encourage him to contact the VA for help or even a local VFW.

If that’s not it, this is what I told my son when he moved out of the house.
  1. If he ever moved back, I don’t care how old he is he lives by my rules
  2. If he is not working, he has 6 weeks to get a job, if he doesn’t secure a job within that time, he is welcome to stay in the garage, he will be allowed in 2x a day to use the restroom and shower. (Our garage is detached :p, no heat, cable or internet in the garage either)
  3. If he does get a job, he is allowed to stay for up to 6 months to get back on his feet, although he will give me at least 1/2 of every pay check to save for him to move out.
He has been out on his own for 3 years now!!! We joke about this, although he knows I will follow through with it if I have to!! 👍
Click to expand...
Even if this is not the case, there may be things he went through during training or whatever that might have badly affected him.

Another possibility from personal experience - I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult and getting treatment for it has made a big difference. He is possibly a fellow sufferer. Don’t think it only exists in children (it doesn’t) or that you have to be hyperactive to suffer (you don’t).
 
Don’t enable him.

The problem he is having with keeping both roommates and jobs can’t be solved by anybody but him. If you let him mooch off you, he will have no incentive to change. I’m sure he told his other former roommates that he only wanted to stay until he got on his feet. Didn’t happen, though, did it? And he has an additional hold on you: you’re his parents. Don’t let him use that to manipulate you.

I have read many stories about bad house guests; most of these guests do one or more of three things. They don’t pay their own expenses; they expect their benefactors to clean up after them; they have total disregard for the hosts’ hours, rules, likes and dislikes, and privacy. Ask the girlfriend what he did to wear out his welcome. (Also apply the above to jobs.)

If you want to let him live with you, make some rules, and decide in advance what the consequences will be. Then enforce them. If you do not have the strength to do that, don’t let him move in. He has already run through several hosts because of his behavior; he’ll do it with you, too.

Your house, your rules. Take away the car keys - yes, his car keys - until his license is restored; take them away at his next infraction.

Insist on his taking a diagnostic test for both disabilities like ADD, and other mental problems. Also an aptitude test.

You don’t mention alcohol or drugs. His behavior could indicate a problem with those, too.

Just remember - you can’t change him. The only thing you can change is your reaction to him.

I think maybe having to doss down in a flophouse will be a better incentive for him to change that getting a cushy berth at Mom’s.

Praying for all of you,

Ruthie
Sacred Heart of Jesus, vessel of justice and love, have mercy on us.
 
Thank you all for your replies, there are things that I hadn’t considered that I need to think about more. But briefly, off the cuff…

Orchanian, your suggestions about setting up rules for him is something we’ve tried in the past. My son was pretty amenable to abiding by them, if not enthusiastic. And we certainly still convey the attitude that he’ll have rules again should we let him stay after his house arrest. (I’m assuming the house arrest will have to take place in his apartment which isn’t very close to us.)

Pnewton, I will pray for your son too. I feel your pain, 'cause I know you’re feeling or have felt like I do!

Catholic1954, You’re right too–we have adopted the attitude of letting him sink or swim in the past as well. Which did work pretty well, but my husband doesn’t like to see anyone hungry or homeless (to his credit) – however, I agree, sometimes the person just has to find out the hard way. And hubby and I have agreed about that too. It’s just, I guess, the degree of down-and-outness that he’s been experiencing as to whether we adopt that stance or not.

JustAnotherThou, I’d guess the “worst” experience he had as a Marine was being sent on a humanitarian mission to Kenya (not what Marines are for, but that’s a different story). No combat experience or PTSD. But…

LilyM, you’re right, he was diagnosed with ADHD in high school and took Ritalin for a while. One time he got so depressed that he took off out his bedroom window and left a note to the effect of “the only reason he didn’t do what Kurt Cobain did” (singer who killed himself) was because of the family". Well, he came back, but I was almost beside myself with anguish in the meantime. I called the counselor’s office at which he was seeing a psychologist at the time, asking “what do I do, what do I do?” and all the guy wanted to know was how I was going to pay for whatever they could do for him. Idiot. So sometimes that episode still haunts me; what if he decides to do that for real this time? That’s why I have more of a fear than maybe some of you would, to let him sink or swim.

He had experimented with marijuana in high school, and had been a binge drinker in the Marines, sort of not-unexpected behavior I suppose, but there’s no evidence of alcoholism or drug use, and hasn’t been.

Part of this is a guilty conscience on my part, because none of the kids had a great upbringing, a tyrant dad who (amongst other things) never let the kids make their own decisions. In fact, their father is still just a grown kid. Nothing to emulate by any means. So you can see how they can’t function when they’re grown up. And, it’s interesting because both my boys are “drifters” so to speak, but the girls are strong, no-nonsense types. I sometimes feel like I’ve got to make up for everything that happened in their childhood, in any way I can. Mentally I know that’s not feasible, of course, but my heart says I should; but my own strong independent self-reliant streak fights with that incessantly!

When I was a young wife and mother (the mother-to-be part came a few months before the wife part did), my husband was just as immature and irresponsible as he wanted to be. We struggled for money and sometimes my dad would put me to work, typing up postcards advertising his business. To me that was a good way to give me money without giving me money, if you know what I mean. We ended up moving in with my parents for about nine months; me, husband, and baby. It was one of the most awful experiences ever! But we got back on our feet (barely) and even bought a house. That’s why we’re having my son remodel our FROG (finished room over garage); he can do that kind of stuff and it’s giving him money that he desperately needs.

I really welcome your comments. This is really cathartic; I love corresponding with y’all. 🙂

P.S. I just found the secret to replying; type it up in Word and get it right before posting it so you don’t have to keep re-logging in! :rolleyes:
 
Orchanian said:
There are some questions to ask yourself in making a decision here. The first is, what will your son learn from your decision? If you think he will change given more time, why? What is it in his environment that will cause a change? People don’t make a life change for no reason. When someone decides that today they will quit smoking or begin going to church regularly, it’s because something else happened to motivate that new behavior. How will allowing your son to stay (or not) motivate new behavior? You may hope that he will change, but hope isn’t a plan. Maybe you can set up conditions. For example, before he moves back in, he needs a life plan. That life plan must include analysis of his strengths and weaknesses in life and employment, his plan for getting and keeping a job, his plans to grow in his faith, etc. You can also set house rules. He may be an adult, but he’s under your roof. Is it okay for him to use drugs, drive, have overnight guests, etc. If he will live at home, it’s okay to treat him as less than an adult. If you make it too comfortable, he’s not motivated to grow up. Your description indicates that he is good at taking advantage of others. How will you prevent this if you allow him to live at home? Maybe you can take him to a retreat - Cursillo retreats are good. Write out everything you expect - and all that he agrees to, along with consequences for when he “breaks the rules” (and he will). Then you MUST follow what you agree to.

And one more thing - pray! God can guide you in this. Read scripture to find out what God expects of you with regard to your children - and to your husband (he - your husband - should come first in most cases with an adult child). You can pray the rosary for your son, or say a novena, or place him on the altar (figuratively) during the consecration, or offer a Holy Hour for him, or all of the above.

I’ll offer a rosary for you tonight.
Colleen
Click to expand...
Excellent suggestion there. Don’t know why this happens sometimes in families, as the other kids may be long gone,and even with families of their own, but parents wil, have one kid that seems to have problems. My sister lived at home for awhile since she was going to school and working. She later moved herself up to New York and worked in television.She just got laid off from Court Tv late last year when Time Warner cancelled the Star Jones show, though they had been laying people off after they got complete control of Court Tv when the guy that owned QVC,STARZ,etc. sold them his half of Court TV. Now they call it TRU TV and run cheesy shows.Don’t know if they run the live court trials much anymore.But Jessica keeps plugging away for jobs , taking computer classes to maybe work on computers as a webdesigner-video editor and sells stuff on ebay.
My brother moved out in 1996 after my dad died. He runs a computer business and his wife is a computer tech for IBC Banks. Both my sister and brother helped me take care of my mom and dad,my mom died in 1982 after a second stroke, and daddy in 1996 due to lung problems. I appreciate the help they both gave me taking care of them.
There is hope for your son, but you got to get tough with him.
 
Wow Holly, your siblings seem to have come through OK, and it’s great that they helped you with your parents. They seem to be more self-reliant than my son has ever been. My husband and I have both been through some instances where we’ve had to presume upon people to keep us alive so to speak while we’ve been getting back on our feet. So I sympathize with your sister. She really has had to scrape by at times, eh? Oh, and yes, I do pray for my son all the time…I pray for myself too, to receive the wisdom as to how to best handle this situation. Because I certainly cannot do any of this without God’s help. sometimes our prayers don’t seem to get answered as quickly as we’d like, huh?
 
pull the plug, shut off the supply line, close all the mouse holes. If there is nothing fundamentally wrong with him that he cannot work and take care of himself as an adult (no mental or physical disorder for instance that merits continued family support) he will not grow up until his parents, all of them you, present dh, ex, stepmother, whoever, allow him to grow up and stop catering to immaturity. harsh but true
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top