Adult Son

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Sorrowful_fathe

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My 21 year old son is home from college for the summer and is spending every night out with his girlfriend. She is not from a Christian home and her parents have no issue with a boyfriend sleeping over. I spoke to my son about my disappointment at his behavior but it hasn’t changed his behavior.

He comes to “visit” each evening. Picks up some clothes, eats some food. Acts like nothing is wrong. I have a hard time looking him in the eye. I’m worried about his example to younger siblings, I am worried he might forget how strongly I’m am against his current lifestyle and I worry that I’m partially supporting it by even speaking with him when he comes over.

I’ve never bumped into a child-raising issue that had me stumped and sad as this one.

Advice?
 
Monicad, thank you so much for the reply. Your approach is exactly how I handled the initial discussion with my son. During the 2 days I gave him to make his decision I solicited advice from Catholic friends I trust and all agreed I should make clear that I frown on the behavior, but should NOT ask him to leave. They said the lack of communication moving forward and pushing him out could be a stumbling block to him finding his way back to the Church. I softened my stance saying “I think you are living wrong and I’ll never agree with this lifestyle…but I am not drawing the hard line”. Well I gave an inch and he took a mile. I’m right back where I started.

Lots of thinking still to do, but I know I can’t let much more time pass. Boy nobody prepared me for the daily sorrow of having a young adult.
 
If he is living with you for free, I see nothing wrong with imposing a curfew.
 
If your “adult” son wants to play house then he needs to pack his bags. I disagree with your friends in that it is not your responsibility for him to find the church. Your not the one pushing him from the church.

It’s apparent he has no respect for you or the rest of the family.
 
Sorrowful_fathe said:
During the 2 days I gave him to make his decision I solicited advice from Catholic friends I trust and all agreed I should make clear that I frown on the behavior, but should NOT ask him to leave. .
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If you do NOT ask him to leave, your are NOT making it clear you frown on that behaviour. Words are useless, action is required
 
I guess thats my point…he is now out EVERY night. We only see him after he gets off work and until he leaves for the night (8pm-11pm). We don’t see him much on the few days off that he has. He is effectively living out of the house except for the fact that his clothes are here and we have not “formally acknowledged” that he has actually made this decision.

I kind of feel like we should stop playing games and he should pickup his clothes and go. It wouldn’t be much of a change from how things are going now, but it would draw a VERY clear line about where we really stand.

So confused.
 
Thank you all for your kind support. I think in my heart I know the answer. You all are the nudge I needed. Thank you.
 
I agree with another poster. Your son either needs to comply with your rules in your house, or he needs to move out. Simply tell him his lifestyle is unacceptable and that he needs to find someplace else to live.

Seems to me he needs a full time job and the responsibilities that go with it. You might even tell him that finishing College is now his total responsibility, financially and otherwise.
I know this may seem harsh, but it could be just the thing he needs to open his eyes a bit. Time to cut the cord.
 
Umm, let’s see… your son is spending every night with his girlfriend probably having sex and living in your house using your food, utilities, etc. – and you think with that arrangement he will change his ways because you don’t like his behavior?

You did talk to him – see how well that worked out!

He needs to know that actions have consequences – more specifically, HIS actions have consequences on the relationship with you and HIS family.

If you are going to make a stand, then make one. If not, then keep quiet and let him do whatever he wants.
 
It sounds like he’s getting the best of both worlds: overnights with his girlfriend and food and fresh laundry from his loving family. Am I correct in guessing that mom is doing his laundry? It’s not out of line to inform him that adult children who wish to enjoy home privileges (food and laundry, for example) need to actually be living at home and contributing in some way to the functioning of the household.

Have a meeting with your wife and draw up a minimum list of expectations for adult children at home (curfew, chores, etc.) and then arrange to have a meeting with your son to share it with him. He then can have 24-48 hours in which to decide whether he is going to stay at home and follow house rules or live elsewhere and support himself.

(My kids are younger and so I’ve never had to deal with this situation as a parent, but it’s very normal for parents of adult children to have to be very explicit about what the requirements are for enjoying home privileges.)
 
He should be paying you room and board. He needs to be living by the rules of your house as he is living there. He needs to be doing things that need to be done in your home because he is a member of that home and, therefore, has responsibilites to it.

Who is paying for his college? I would suggest to you that if you are paying for it there was an implied agreement that being given that kind of money and accepting that gift also includes the responsibilty and graciousness of accepting the people from whom you are taking that gift. He has to have known staying at gf’s house would never go over with you.

Consequently, tell him you are cancelling the gift of college. You’ve given him warnings and it has served no purpose. It is over. Doesn’t matter if he comes home and complies or not. He was given the chance and didn’t take it. He’s 21, an adult, enjoying an adult life and now he has an adult responsiblity of finding his way in this world and paying for college. Period.
 
aicirt said:
He should be paying you room and board. He needs to be living by the rules of your house as he is living there. He needs to be doing things that need to be done in your home because he is a member of that home and, therefore, has responsibilites to it.

Who is paying for his college? I would suggest to you that if you are paying for it there was an implied agreement that being given that kind of money and accepting that gift also includes the responsibilty and graciousness of accepting the people from whom you are taking that gift. He has to have known staying at gf’s house would never go over with you.

Consequently, tell him you are cancelling the gift of college. You’ve given him warnings and it has served no purpose. It is over. Doesn’t matter if he comes home and complies or not. He was given the chance and didn’t take it. He’s 21, an adult, enjoying an adult life and now he has an adult responsiblity of finding his way in this world and paying for college. Period.
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It’s not totally clear that the OP is helping much with college–it sounds like he’s working a lot. But even if they were helping a lot with college, really? Just out of the blue announce that no matter what he does to straighten up and fly right, you won’t help with college anymore? That would be very unwise, in my opinion, especially if previous conversations had not contained any warnings, just mild expressions of disapproval (which is what it sounds like has happened).

There is a lot of middle ground available between A) continuing to let him do what he’s doing indefinitely and B) cutting him off without a dime no matter what he tries to do to fix things.
 
Dacinom said:
Turn to St. Monica for intercessory prayers she had a son that went astray for many years. .
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If I am not mistaken, didn’t St-Monica once kick St Augustine out because his immoral behaviour was having an effect on his younger siblings?
 
The son is an adult. I don’t have a problem cutting off college financial aid from OP if the son doesn’t want to abide by the rules.

To me, it doesn’t matter if he’s had previous warnings or not.

It’s a tool that would definitely get the son’s attention, especially since he hasn’t paid much attention to how his behavior is affecting everyone in the household. The parents don’t have to sponsor his current lifestyle.

It’s definitely a good conversation starting point. There’s nothing to say that they can’t negotiate something after son flips out.

Parent: "Well, since you don’t like that idea. Then, how do you suggest we solve this problem because our current arrangement isn’t working? We aren’t interested in paying for your current lifestyle. We feel used and I will not let you take advantage of our kindness and love for you. (Kids don’t realize parents have feelings too). If you move out, you can do what you want, but you have to pay for it. If you don’t move out, then you need to contribute to the household in someway (whatever is appropriate to the situation).

Son gets to step up and be part of the solution and take responsibility for his actions.

I hope that everything works out for OP.
 
Kal2012 said:
The son is an adult. I don’t have a problem cutting off college financial aid from OP if the son doesn’t want to abide by the rules.

To me, it doesn’t matter if he’s had previous warnings or not.

It’s a tool that would definitely get the son’s attention, especially since he hasn’t paid much attention to how his behavior is affecting everyone in the household. The parents don’t have to sponsor his current lifestyle.

It’s definitely a good conversation starting point. There’s nothing to say that they can’t negotiate something after son flips out.

Parent: "Well, since you don’t like that idea. Then, how do you suggest we solve this problem because our current arrangement isn’t working? We aren’t interested in paying for your current lifestyle. We feel used and I will not let you take advantage of our kindness and love for you. (Kids don’t realize parents have feelings too). If you move out, you can do what you want, but you have to pay for it. If you don’t move out, then you need to contribute to the household in someway (whatever is appropriate to the situation).

Son gets to step up and be part of the solution and take responsibility for his actions.

I hope that everything works out for OP.
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Kal2012,

But would you cut off college help even if he came home and did everything he was supposed to? That’s what a previous poster was suggesting.
 
After you tell him again you disapprove and the consequences of continuing the behavior-why not give another option as well to make him see you are not against the girl personally. I would look at every option before showing him the door.

If you have an additional room at your house preferably on seperate floors, why not just have him invite his girlfriend to stay over your house once a week instead. That way time is spent together, and they will be properly chaperoned, and would not dare to be unchaste in your home. Maybe they like watching tv together late at night, and that’s why he goes over her house. I doubt it but is is possible.
 
Sorrowful_fathe said:
My 21 year old son is home from college for the summer and is spending every night out with his girlfriend. She is not from a Christian home and her parents have no issue with a boyfriend sleeping over. I spoke to my son about my disappointment at his behavior but it hasn’t changed his behavior.

He comes to “visit” each evening. Picks up some clothes, eats some food. Acts like nothing is wrong. I have a hard time looking him in the eye. I’m worried about his example to younger siblings, I am worried he might forget how strongly I’m am against his current lifestyle and I worry that I’m partially supporting it by even speaking with him when he comes over.

I’ve never bumped into a child-raising issue that had me stumped and sad as this one.

Advice?
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How do you know he is having “relations” with his girlfriend? Unless you have asked him? If he takes his faith seriously, attends mass etc, he may not be in a sexual relationship.
 
If you kick him out, you’ll probably lose him for a while. He’ll most assuredly leave your church for it.
 
Et_Cetera said:
If you kick him out, you’ll probably lose him for a while. He’ll most assuredly leave your church for it.
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Huh? If he is sleeping with his girlfriend and likely using contraception, he has already left the Church, it won’t be because of the actions of the father. Many have left before with the same issues, it’s not a surprise.

Dear Sorrowful Father, what a great opportunity this is, if you have daughters. Depending on how old they are, you can sit them down and say how, when a boyfriend/girlfriend decide to have sex without marriage, the girl takes on all the risk of getting pregnant and dealing with bringing a child into the world, while the guy gets a few minutes of pleasure without any risk, and regardless of what he says, is free to walk away. And many boyfriends have walked away when you see how many are dealing with being a single mom, or have gone for an abortion. The boyfriend says, 1) I’m too young to be a dad 2) I’m not ready to be a dad yet, I’m still in school 3) I never intended for you to get pregnant, that’s why we were using birth control, 4) I don’t love you enough to marry you or we would have been married already. etc etc

You can say how you never want your daughters to be used in such a selfish way, that until a guy is ready to come before family and friends and God to declare he’s in this for better or worse, he doesn’t have the right to put such a demand and risk upon your daughters. You love your son but the dignity of women, of children, and the plan of God is worth standing up for.

I think with prayer you can speak to them and fire an arrow right into their hearts that they are treasures worth waiting for, worth laying your life down for. What a special opportunity for them! God’s light can shine brighter when darkness is there. This is your time to shine in your daughters’ eyes. God bless and guide you today, and strengthen you!
 
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