"Adult" Teen cohabitating

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TexCath1991

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Hello all,

More of a post to discuss tactics than discuss the why and how.
I have two confirmed " ADULT" kids that are out of the house and living 5 hours away. We were transferred due to work and they stayed behind. In the year that they have been “back-home” they have stopped going to church and slowly fallen away from all truth. We found out quite accidentally that they were both planning to move in with thier respective significant other. It has been a month now of us pleading with them only to find that it is done already.

The oldest is 20 our boy and the other is 18 daughter. I havent spoken to my son since Christmas because I am told that is when he started this cohabitation. The daughter who always follows his lead decided that her best option for her was to shack up with her athiest boyfriend and family. Needless to say my wife and I of 23 years are devistated. We havent always been the best Catholics but we have been strong in the faith for 7 years now. I take full responsibilty for my aweful leadership up to that point but nownthat they are grown, dont know what is the next fatherly move. Our communication has been sparce, reduced to texting when they get back to me. My last text to my daughter was" katie, I love you, please dont do this". My son has no job so no phone so emails are not answered. He is living with his girlfriends mother from what I hear.

I have confessed my anger and poor parenting when they are younger. I have tried to offer reasoned responses to thier justification of thier actions not just the obvious theological issues. My kids are now living in mortal sin and they dont want want to hear about it. What do I do now? I cant have them over for dinner, I wont support this in any way. They are living a lifestyle that is completely counter to all they were tought and professed to believe. We found our oldest daughter talking to our youngest yesterday on facebook. The oldest was telling the youngest that she now belives there is no God and there is no objective truth. She is turning into an evangelist for the enemy!

I wanted to reach out to this group to see what i should do now. Being ex army my first thought is always shoot first but being married for so many years I have found it is better to break contact sometimes…

Blessings from Texas
 
I don’t think breaking contact is a good idea at all in this situation. I think you should have your kids over for dinner. Don’t give them money, and don’t support their living situation. However, continue to let them know that you love them and want a good life for them. If you cut off contact, it sends the message that your love is conditional on their behavior. Your support is conditional on their behavior, but your love is not.
 
I am very sorry that you left them behind in the transfer. Are they in college? Is that why they were left behind? If so, and they have decided to play house, I would cut off their funds if you are paying. If not, unfortunately they will have to live with their choices and the consequences from those choices.

Do not allow your daughter or son to contact their sister and speak to her about their lack of faith. That will poison her too.
 
Please don’t break off relations with your children. Let them know that you love them, no matter what they do. They most likely know they are breaking your hearts.
 
reread the prodigal son. I am sure that father was upset that his son ran off on him and hurt him in the process. You can’t change the past and they are adults now so they are responsible to God for their behavior and will answer for it. I wouldn’t cut off contact though. I think looking at how people treat and respond to God yet God forgives and always has a open door for anyone to come back to Him. the father of the prodigal son likewise had an open door in which the wayward son came back. You said you weren’t the best Catholic in the past, yet God didn’t cut you off and had the open door for you to get serious about your faith. I think that you need to focus on these things instead of them living in mortal sin and getting yourself upset about it. Focus on what kind of open door you will have for them and then pray that they return. St. Monica prayed 30 years for St. Augustin to come back to God. Ask for her help and intercession.
 
robwar said:
reread the prodigal son. I am sure that father was upset that his son ran off on him and hurt him in the process. You can’t change the past and they are adults now so they are responsible to God for their behavior and will answer for it. I wouldn’t cut off contact though. I think looking at how people treat and respond to God yet God forgives and always has a open door for anyone to come back to Him. the father of the prodigal son likewise had an open door in which the wayward son came back. You said you weren’t the best Catholic in the past, yet God didn’t cut you off and had the open door for you to get serious about your faith. I think that you need to focus on these things instead of them living in mortal sin and getting yourself upset about it. Focus on what kind of open door you will have for them and then pray that they return. St. Monica prayed 30 years for St. Augustine to come back to God. Ask for her help and intercession.
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👍 :clapping::yup:

My favorite parable. So much in that story to meditate upon!
 
Where were they living before they started shacking up with significant others? In your unsold house? Are they in college? Full time job for your daughter? I see your son is unemployed. So are you still supporting them?

I think a lot of how you are going to react to them depends on the answers to these questions.
 
I can certainly relate to your situation. My wife and I are Roman Catholics and we have raised our children this way. Our eldest daughter is marrying a fine young man in July. He belongs to the Reformed Church and our daughter has joined this church to make things easier for him. In her mind it is still God but in a different building. They have decided to move in together before they get married. Our son is two years younger and has moved in with his girlfriend of one year. She lives about an hour away and he found work there upon finishing university. She is also Catholic but does not attend Mass. He only goes to Mass at Christmas and Easter with us.

Their actions have caused me much turmoil and often thinking “what have we done wrong?” Our daughter joining another church has really caused me much grief. Ultimately they are adults now and are responsible for their own actions. I am disappointed in what they are done but they have the right to choose how they live.

I pray that they will return to the Church someday and hold this hope. We still love them and have maintained good relationships with them all. We were not the best examples of good Catholics at times over the years with our oldest children but will focus on being better Catholic parents for our youngest two children.

Don’t cut off relationships but focus on the positives and pray that someday they will see their sins for what they are and will turn their lives towards God.
 
While I never lived with a boyfriend, I did do things that are sinful and probably disappointed my mom on a few occasions. I’m very thankful that she didn’t go extreme on me. (I was very social in high school and being from a small town with nothing to do, kids drank. A. Lot. There were several times I came home drunk and there was one time when I called my mom because my DD was drinking.) I had my share of groundings and I thought I was going to die when I was doing yard work hungover. My life would have probably turned out worse if she kicked me out and stopped talking to me.

My step-sister is now living with her boyfriend. She is 16. My mother is totally freaking out. There is nothing she can do since it isn’t her child and my step-dad doesn’t want to push her away. They have let her know that they don’t approve. They don’t give her money, but her mother does. :rolleyes: Her and her boyfriend come over and they are supposed to act appropriately.

I think it will probably make matters worse if you shun them. 🙂
 
I agree with everyone else. Don’t cut off contact. Not a good plan. It won’t stop their behavior, and when there are grandchildren, who are innocent of wrong-doing, it will make it very difficult for you to be involved with your grandchildren, and that’s sad.

Don’t support them financially. If they want to live like adults and do adult things, then they can support themselves like adults.

Inviting them for dinner is not supporting them. It’s being kind.

And finally, DON’T lose your temper with them! It really worries me that you used the phrase “shoot first.” That’s violent language, and even if you mean it in jest, it’s just not something you should be jesting about in this day and age. Don’t use this kind of language around your children, or you will find that they cut off contact with you out of fear. And if, God forbid, anything should ever happen to one of them, people will remember that you talked about “shooting”, and you’ll find yourself wearing an orange jumper and getting interviewed by Keith Morrison on Dateline!

You don’t have to express support for their lifestyles. But don’t blow your stack and start yelling at them. That will not stop their behavior.
 
Thank youfor all the advise. Let me be clear. I am not cutting off communication. Breaking contact in the context I used was to mean " NOT FIGHTING" for the sake of peace. I told my daughter I loved her in spite of her bad choice but to please not do this. By shoot first , I meant fly off the handle as I once did when the kids would act out. We havent done anything bad as a reaction to newsmfrom them.

We are not supporting them financially now. They are living where they are because that is where thier friends and support for thier lifestyle is. I have invited all in this adventure to come home but that is never considered. They would have to stop what they are doing.
 
TexCath1991 said:
Thank youfor all the advise. Let me be clear. I am not cutting off communication. Breaking contact in the context I used was to mean " NOT FIGHTING" for the sake of peace. I told my daughter I loved her in spite of her bad choice but to please not do this. By shoot first , I meant fly off the handle as I once did when the kids would act out. We havent done anything bad as a reaction to newsmfrom them.

We are not supporting them financially now. They are living where they are because that is where thier friends and support for thier lifestyle is. I have invited all in this adventure to come home but that is never considered. They would have to stop what they are doing.
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May God Bless you, your family is in my prayers.
 
TexCath1991 said:
Thank youfor all the advise. Let me be clear. I am not cutting off communication. Breaking contact in the context I used was to mean " NOT FIGHTING" for the sake of peace. I told my daughter I loved her in spite of her bad choice but to please not do this. By shoot first , I meant fly off the handle as I once did when the kids would act out. We havent done anything bad as a reaction to newsmfrom them.

We are not supporting them financially now. They are living where they are because that is where thier friends and support for thier lifestyle is. I have invited all in this adventure to come home but that is never considered. They would have to stop what they are doing.
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Okay, thanks for the info. It’s good you are not financially supporting them.

Now, you need to keep in contact and NOT talk about the ‘mortal sin’. They already know how you feel. In fact, don’t bring up anything controversial. So, invite them to your place for dinner. Or meet them half way at a restaurant and you pick up the tab. Ask them about their lives, jobs, interests. Just be kind. And have them invite their significant others along to meet with you.

They may not at first want to meet up with you, but in gentleness, just keep contacting them and let them know you are thinking about them and love them.

And pray. But don’t tell your kids that you are doing that, either.
 
newf said:
Okay, thanks for the info. It’s good you are not financially supporting them.

Now, you need to keep in contact and NOT talk about the ‘mortal sin’. They already know how you feel. In fact, don’t bring up anything controversial. So, invite them to your place for dinner. Or meet them half way at a restaurant and you pick up the tab. Ask them about their lives, jobs, interests. Just be kind. And have them invite their significant others along to meet with you.

They may not at first want to meet up with you, but in gentleness, just keep contacting them and let them know you are thinking about them and love them.

And pray. But don’t tell your kids that you are doing that, either.
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I agree with this. It is good that you aren’t tangled up in college tuition/dorm living/other support. I think that makes your role a whole lot easier to figure out.

Good luck and prayers. That’s what it will take.
 
I appreciate this forum allowing me to vent here rather than at them. If they were talking to me…LOL

If a man was in the process of committing mortal sin (say torturing someone in his basement) and I invite him to have dinner knowing it and do nothing, what does that say about me. How am I morally responsible for what he is doing if nothing is said .(sin of Ommision?) Someone here said " pray for them but dont let them know you are doing it" Have dinner with them but dont discuss these hard issues" What’s the point folks? Its true that they know how we feel but are doing these bad things anyway. They have fallen into this moral relativism and deny any truth at all. Its kinda hard to be a witness to Love and understanding when you are hated for not agreeing with them. They have surrounded themselves with people who celebrate what they are doing and help them to get deeper and deeper in. The last thing they want is to hear from us “old fashioned” Christians.

I do understand that one gets more bees with honey than vinegar but we are talking about something that is ultimately disordered. You cant conceed all truth to go along to get along.
My kids are not talking to me at this point anyway so it doesnt matter right now but it is important to be prepared for that day. They think I hate them for thier choices even though I have offfered nothing but loving requests. We havent even spoken per se because I only heard through the Grapevine that this was happening. My limited correspondence has been through a few texts to my daughter asking her not to do this. My son is, as I said, is off the grid…lol. What I have heard was coming through my youngest on Facebook . The oldest daughter kept trying to evangelize her on this idea. Our oldest daughter has since “un-friended us all”

If either one of them call me or reach out in any way, I will extend the hand of friendship and love that I always have. Someone else pointed out the parable of the prodigal son(GREAT ANALOGY). I have used this story with my kids in the past that I will be there when they are ready to come back. I should have said in the beginning that have been distancing themselves from us/church for a while now. I will be that Father who will treat them like the lost son who has returned… It is important to point out that the son(in the story), once he had squandered all of his inheritance was broken, had nothing left and was ready to commit to a lesser life to attone for his mistakes when he finally thought of returning to the Father. Up to that point, the Father didnt have him over for dinner or send him goodie bags. The story doesnt say but I pretty sure he (Father) didnt go to places where the son was and have dinner with him and the prostitutes. The Father did wait for his return and welcomed him with open arms as I will do.

I have some growing to do here as well. This is my one and only shot I have to be a Father and I want to be a good one. The wound is still raw and stinging. I am sure over time, the pain will go we will accept this as out of our control. We are praying for our kids and have given them to the Blessed Mother to care for.

Thank you for your answers/suggestions.

Peace be with you
 
TexCath1991 said:
I appreciate this forum allowing me to vent here rather than at them. If they were talking to me…LOL

If a man was in the process of committing mortal sin (say torturing someone in his basement) and I invite him to have dinner knowing it and do nothing, what does that say about me. How am I morally responsible for what he is doing if nothing is said .(sin of Ommision?) Someone here said " pray for them but dont let them know you are doing it" Have dinner with them but dont discuss these hard issues" What’s the point folks? Its true that they know how we feel but are doing these bad things anyway. They have fallen into this moral relativism and deny any truth at all. Its kinda hard to be a witness to Love and understanding when you are hated for not agreeing with them. They have surrounded themselves with people who celebrate what they are doing and help them to get deeper and deeper in. The last thing they want is to hear from us “old fashioned” Christians.

I do understand that one gets more bees with honey than vinegar but we are talking about something that is ultimately disordered. You cant conceed all truth to go along to get along.
My kids are not talking to me at this point anyway so it doesnt matter right now but it is important to be prepared for that day. They think I hate them for thier choices even though I have offfered nothing but loving requests. We havent even spoken per se because I only heard through the Grapevine that this was happening. My limited correspondence has been through a few texts to my daughter asking her not to do this. My son is, as I said, is off the grid…lol. What I have heard was coming through my youngest on Facebook . The oldest daughter kept trying to evangelize her on this idea. Our oldest daughter has since “un-friended us all”

If either one of them call me or reach out in any way, I will extend the hand of friendship and love that I always have. Someone else pointed out the parable of the prodigal son(GREAT ANALOGY). I have used this story with my kids in the past that I will be there when they are ready to come back. I should have said in the beginning that have been distancing themselves from us/church for a while now. I will be that Father who will treat them like the lost son who has returned… It is important to point out that the son(in the story), once he had squandered all of his inheritance was broken, had nothing left and was ready to commit to a lesser life to attone for his mistakes when he finally thought of returning to the Father. Up to that point, the Father didnt have him over for dinner or send him goodie bags. The story doesnt say but I pretty sure he (Father) didnt go to places where the son was and have dinner with him and the prostitutes. The Father did wait for his return and welcomed him with open arms as I will do.

I have some growing to do here as well. This is my one and only shot I have to be a Father and I want to be a good one. The wound is still raw and stinging. I am sure over time, the pain will go we will accept this as out of our control. We are praying for our kids and have given them to the Blessed Mother to care for.

Thank you for your answers/suggestions.

Peace be with you
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It’s nice that you have higher standards than Jesus, because although you are too good to go out and meet with sinners, He wasn’t.

Also please note that the father ran out to meet the prodigal son when he was returning home. No one ever suggested you should go to a place of sin to meet with your children… a restaurant or your home seem safe in that regard. But hey, you hold on to your anger and let us know how far that takes you.
 
newf said:
It’s nice that you have higher standards than Jesus, because although you are too good to go out and meet with sinners, He wasn’t.

Also please note that the father ran out to meet the prodigal son when he was returning home. No one ever suggested you should go to a place of sin to meet with your children… a restaurant or your home seem safe in that regard. But hey, you hold on to your anger and let us know how far that takes you.
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Oh goodness. I don’t think the OP needed that. He’s clearly struggling to do the right thing. He seems willing to do whatever will work. He is just not sure what that is.
 
How is what I said in any way saying that i am better than Jesus? Thats crazy
I am angry and upset but I am not going after them and making it worse. I am discusing it here. I know Jesus would forgive them and meet them halfway. If you would read my whole post, you would see that I want to that too. My kids have broken off commo with us…

Jesus did repeatedly go out and meet with sinners and the Jews hated him for it and called him unclean and all other manners of things. Jesus was consistant though, he said to stop doing the bad stuff, repent, and follow him. He made demands of us and said that if we were not willing to forsake others for him, we were not worthy of him.

I am a sinner who is flawed and as in need of our saviour as anyone. I just dont happen to agree at this time that what is suggested is the right approach for this situation. It seems that the best approach is to keep mydistance and when they come to us, we offer our love as we always have and a good example.
 
Allegra said:
I don’t think breaking contact is a good idea at all in this situation. I think you should have your kids over for dinner. Don’t give them money, and don’t support their living situation. However, continue to let them know that you love them and want a good life for them. If you cut off contact, it sends the message that your love is conditional on their behavior. Your support is conditional on their behavior, but your love is not.
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I appreciate you words and you are right. I will do my best
 
TexCath1991 said:
Hello all,

More of a post to discuss tactics than discuss the why and how.
I have two confirmed " ADULT" kids that are out of the house and living 5 hours away. We were transferred due to work and they stayed behind. In the year that they have been “back-home” they have stopped going to church and slowly fallen away from all truth. We found out quite accidentally that they were both planning to move in with thier respective significant other. It has been a month now of us pleading with them only to find that it is done already.

The oldest is 20 our boy and the other is 18 daughter. I havent spoken to my son since Christmas because I am told that is when he started this cohabitation. The daughter who always follows his lead decided that her best option for her was to shack up with her athiest boyfriend and family. Needless to say my wife and I of 23 years are devistated. We havent always been the best Catholics but we have been strong in the faith for 7 years now. I take full responsibilty for my aweful leadership up to that point but nownthat they are grown, dont know what is the next fatherly move. Our communication has been sparce, reduced to texting when they get back to me. My last text to my daughter was" katie, I love you, please dont do this". My son has no job so no phone so emails are not answered. He is living with his girlfriends mother from what I hear.

I have confessed my anger and poor parenting when they are younger. I have tried to offer reasoned responses to thier justification of thier actions not just the obvious theological issues. My kids are now living in mortal sin and they dont want want to hear about it. What do I do now? I cant have them over for dinner, I wont support this in any way. They are living a lifestyle that is completely counter to all they were tought and professed to believe. We found our oldest daughter talking to our youngest yesterday on facebook. The oldest was telling the youngest that she now belives there is no God and there is no objective truth. She is turning into an evangelist for the enemy!

I wanted to reach out to this group to see what i should do now. Being ex army my first thought is always shoot first but being married for so many years I have found it is better to break contact sometimes…

Blessings from Texas
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This may sound a bit trite, but this happens maybe more often than you think to varying degrees.

I’m not sure how old your youngest daughter is, but if she’s old enough to understand issues of sexual morality, I really think you and your wife need to have a conversation with her about how wrong this is and that the chances of both your son and daughter having good, stable relationships in both situations has decreased due to co-habitation.

I’d also keep an eye as to who is talking to her on facebook and what they are saying.

From what you have said, I’d be surprised if either situation lasts. Taking in other people’s kids, I once heard someone say, is not exactly a picnic, and I wonder how long this mother will tolerate a kid that isn’t hers under her roof with no job.

And as far as an 18 year old living with her boyfriend without discernment of marriage:

I know she’s your daughter, but I’ve seen the same pattern of behaviour before, and her defensive attitude on facebook tells me that all is not well either at her place and in her mind, meaning that I don’t think she’s wholly at peace with this.

It’s probably just two kids who were really attracted to each other because they were “different”, made a rash choice not based on real love or a solid relationship foundation.

In other words, they’re just playing house.

Listen, don’t let this “I thought I wasn’t a good enough parent” cloud the current situation. Whatever happened in the past is the past, and frankly seven years is a long time which means your daughter would have been 11-12 when you started being serious Catholics.

My own counsel would be that I agree with Allegra. Don’t break this off. That way, both are less likely to feel better about their situations and sniffle that “my family doesn’t care!”.

If only I had a ten dollar bill every time that came up!

I will pray for you and your family!

God Bless!
 
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