Adulterous thoughts

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Cathmom74

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Hello everyone!

I am a devoted Catholic and love the Church. Currently I am having such a difficult time. I cannot talk to anyone IRL about this and I’m hoping someone would have some advice. I have been struggling with adulterous thoughts about my priest. I hate writing this but I need to get advice and prayer. I have such a wonderful priest who has been such an inspiration to me. In the past six months or so I’ve noticed that my feelings have gone beyond what is appropriate. I am a happily married woman with children. I absolutely do NOT want to commit adultery. I hate having these thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to feel like this.
A few weeks ago I decided to make a generic confession and hoped one of our other priests would be available. It was “him”. I believe in the power of the Sacrament of Reconciliation and thought that I would just be very generic in my confession. Basically I just told him I’ve been having adulterous thoughts. He then asked me if it was towards a specific person and I truthfully answered yes. I did not give any indication who I had romantic feelings for. But now I’m terrified he knew what I wasn’t saying. I’m now not only beating myself up for having such terrible thoughts about my priest but that somehow I told him without meaning to. I’m so upset with myself. I would never want to be a stumbling block to a man of God.
Does anyone have any advice? Any prayers?
 
Go to a different parish and go to confession there. I would tell the priest about your earlier confession, and your worries. You might be wise to make this other parish your regular place for confession. Many pastors ask their staff and very active parishioners who work directly with them a lot of the time to do that. Otherwise, it can be very hard to keep a confession as private as a penitent needs it to be in order to always make a full and yet appropriate confession, as you have found.

It is not out of the realm of possibility that the inappropriate thoughts go both ways, BTW. When people can tell we really like them and appreciate their work, they can find that very flattering and attractive, without anything inappropriate ever being thought or meant. You, in turn, might pick up that he finds you a pleasure to be around and feel pleased and flattered to be well-liked by such a good person. The cycle of an inappropriate mutual affection can get started in just such innocent ways. All those priests and nuns who have left their vocations to get married didn’t usually start out looking for someone to lure them out of the consecrated life!

I would also advise making a happy and appropriate effort to re-connect with your admiration for your husband. I don’t mean to beat yourself up. I mean to feed your inner need to admire someone for how he looks out for you and all he does for you, and a willingness to look on his faults with some sympathy, sense of humor, and affection. We can forget how wonderful the person is that we married. The chances of inappropriate thoughts are not the worst of this. We are missing out on a chance to enjoy someone we might be enjoying more than anyone else in the world! That would be too bad, even if there were no bad thoughts in our heads, instead. So see to it that you stir up the good thoughts that make you happy, rather than only trying to beat down the inappropriate thoughts that you hate. If you use every temptation to look at another man as an invitation to re-double your affection for your husband, that will help both to mend your own concupiscence and deter any spirit trying that suggestion as an active tactic.
 
Do you think that you’re possibly having the “intrusive/unwanted thoughts” type of OCD? Look it up if you’re unfamiliar. I’m not sure if you actually have feelings for this priest, or if you’ve having these distressing thoughts creep up.
 
(to re post an older post of mine)

All sorts of thoughts can happen to us out of the blue…

The fact that a though happened to one- does not mean per se there was any sin.

And for mortal sin one needs not only grave matter, but full knowledge and deliberate (complete) consent…

(And some need some medical/professional assistance in this area…such as medication etc and often a regular confessor )​

Now…

For the next few moments --try real hard NOT to think of an Apple.

then scroll down.

What did you think of?

An apple.

Even though your will was against it -you did not want to think of an apple.

Now back to unwanted thoughts…

The best thing to do with such thoughts is not to fight them directly --not fear that they will come—simply do not consent and simply and calmly turn to something else…(or it may be best to keep doing the good thing one is doing…like they come out of the blue when your at work …keep working…keep praying …etc)

(one can gently - conversi ad Dominum - turn towards the Lord -perhaps with a look of love or a short prayer which is a very ancient practice - pm me if you if you need more).

Ignore such unwanted thoughts like one would ignore a hissing goose or a barking dog. One does not stop to argue with a hissing goose or a barking dog does one? No one keeps on walking…

(as noted above the image there comes from a Carthusian Monk from centuries ago…)
 
Was this an anonymous confession, separated by a grille or screen? If so, even if he recognized your voice, I doubt he would be able to put things together in his own mind. I mean, it would be rather presumptuous of him to conclude you were speaking about him. If it was a face-to-face confession, then I can see about how that would give away your struggle that you had hoped would remain secret. In the case of a face-to-face confession, I would find a different parish for confession from now on, or make an appointment with another priest from your parish.
You are not the only woman to struggle with attraction to your priest, by the way. It is probably a lot more common than you think. Especially if a priest is an age peer for a woman, it is more likely. I think it is helpful to think of priests as married to the Church. They may be celibate and not married to another human being, but they ARE married to the Bride of Christ. For my own thinking, that just helps a lot. I hope it helps you.
Finally, I think it is good to keep your distance. It is likely these feelings will pass, especially if you pray for grace to refocus your affections back on your husband. Once they do subside, then it may be safer to work with or visit with the priest in public settings again. But until those feelings subside, do the both of you a favor and stay away. In your shoes, I would even avoid the greeting after Mass, if that is possible to avoid.
I hope you soon find peace and are able to move on from this.
 
Cathmom74 said:
Hello everyone!

I am a devoted Catholic and love the Church. Currently I am having such a difficult time. I cannot talk to anyone IRL about this and I’m hoping someone would have some advice. I have been struggling with adulterous thoughts about my priest. I hate writing this but I need to get advice and prayer. I have such a wonderful priest who has been such an inspiration to me. In the past six months or so I’ve noticed that my feelings have gone beyond what is appropriate. I am a happily married woman with children. I absolutely do NOT want to commit adultery. I hate having these thoughts and feelings. I don’t want to feel like this.
A few weeks ago I decided to make a generic confession and hoped one of our other priests would be available. It was “him”. I believe in the power of the Sacrament of Reconciliation and thought that I would just be very generic in my confession. Basically I just told him I’ve been having adulterous thoughts. He then asked me if it was towards a specific person and I truthfully answered yes. I did not give any indication who I had romantic feelings for. But now I’m terrified he knew what I wasn’t saying. I’m now not only beating myself up for having such terrible thoughts about my priest but that somehow I told him without meaning to. I’m so upset with myself. I would never want to be a stumbling block to a man of God.
Does anyone have any advice? Any prayers?
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Four thoughts:
  1. The priest doesn’t know whom you were talking about and doesn’t remember what you said.
  2. That being said, confess at a different parish, as another poster said.
  3. Feelings and temptations, even temptations to adultery with a priest, are not sinful. It’s what you do with them. When they come up, laugh about how ridiculous the thoughts are and move on. If you dwell on them and take them seriously and think about how bad of a person you are for even thinking such things, it just plays into the devil’s hands.
  4. Prayer the our father, with especial focus on the line “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”
 
EasterJoy said:
Go to a different parish and go to confession there. I would tell the priest about your earlier confession, and your worries. You might be wise to make this other parish your regular place for confession. Many pastors ask their staff and very active parishioners who work directly with them a lot of the time to do that. Otherwise, it can be very hard to keep a confession as private as a penitent needs it to be in order to always make a full and yet appropriate confession, as you have found.

It is not out of the realm of possibility that the inappropriate thoughts go both ways, BTW. When people can tell we really like them and appreciate their work, they can find that very flattering and attractive, without anything inappropriate ever being thought or meant. You, in turn, might pick up that he finds you a pleasure to be around and feel pleased and flattered to be well-liked by such a good person. The cycle of an inappropriate mutual affection can get started in just such innocent ways. All those priests and nuns who have left their vocations to get married didn’t usually start out looking for someone to lure them out of the consecrated life!

I would also advise making a happy and appropriate effort to re-connect with your admiration for your husband. I don’t mean to beat yourself up. I mean to feed your inner need to admire someone for how he looks out for you and all he does for you, and a willingness to look on his faults with some sympathy, sense of humor, and affection. We can forget how wonderful the person is that we married. The chances of inappropriate thoughts are not the worst of this. We are missing out on a chance to enjoy someone we might be enjoying more than anyone else in the world! That would be too bad, even if there were no bad thoughts in our heads, instead. So see to it that you stir up the good thoughts that make you happy, rather than only trying to beat down the inappropriate thoughts that you hate. If you use every temptation to look at another man as an invitation to re-double your affection for your husband, that will help both to mend your own concupiscence and deter any spirit trying that suggestion as an active tactic.
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EXCELLENT advice here. Praying for you.
 
Thank you all for not making me feel like a monster! 😊

I’m probably making the situation worse by focusing on how terrible I am for feeling this way. I need to keep my distance just like I would any man I felt attracted to. Focusing on my wonderful husband is exactly what I’m going to do!

Thank you!
 
EasterJoy said:
Go to a different parish and go to confession there. I would tell the priest about your earlier confession, and your worries. You might be wise to make this other parish your regular place for confession. Many pastors ask their staff and very active parishioners who work directly with them a lot of the time to do that. Otherwise, it can be very hard to keep a confession as private as a penitent needs it to be in order to always make a full and yet appropriate confession, as you have found.

It is not out of the realm of possibility that the inappropriate thoughts go both ways, BTW. When people can tell we really like them and appreciate their work, they can find that very flattering and attractive, without anything inappropriate ever being thought or meant. You, in turn, might pick up that he finds you a pleasure to be around and feel pleased and flattered to be well-liked by such a good person. The cycle of an inappropriate mutual affection can get started in just such innocent ways. All those priests and nuns who have left their vocations to get married didn’t usually start out looking for someone to lure them out of the consecrated life!

I would also advise making a happy and appropriate effort to re-connect with your admiration for your husband. I don’t mean to beat yourself up. I mean to feed your inner need to admire someone for how he looks out for you and all he does for you, and a willingness to look on his faults with some sympathy, sense of humor, and affection. We can forget how wonderful the person is that we married. The chances of inappropriate thoughts are not the worst of this. We are missing out on a chance to enjoy someone we might be enjoying more than anyone else in the world! That would be too bad, even if there were no bad thoughts in our heads, instead. So see to it that you stir up the good thoughts that make you happy, rather than only trying to beat down the inappropriate thoughts that you hate. If you use every temptation to look at another man as an invitation to re-double your affection for your husband, that will help both to mend your own concupiscence and deter any spirit trying that suggestion as an active tactic.
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Well stated.
 
Go to confession somewhere else about this is very good advice. I’ve done this a couple of times when I felt uncomfortable with confessing certain sins to my parish priest.

About the rest, temptation is present, hence the OP needs to guard herself carefully, remember her integrity and actively choose to focus on her husband and family. Keep her distance from the priest as much as possible, don’t socialize with him after Mass, for instance.
 
When we share our inner most thoughts with someone, like a priest, or counselor, and because of their real concern for helping people, we can’t help but feel an attachment to that person. It is normal, like a psychiatrist with his patient. One may interpret this association to be more than it actually is. Then the attachment may become inordinate, time spent together, long conversations, response to kindness and understanding, perhaps supplying something we don’t find at home, with a partner. This can lead into a very serious situation, and the devil will take advantage of it. We are all vulnerable. So prayer, self-denial of that person’s company may be required. Feelings don’t make for sin unless we entertain them. Even St. Padre Pio admitted concupiscence was always harassing him. The Church teaches that concupiscence resisted can be very meritorious. We have to be patient with ourselves
You are receiving good advice from o;t;her posters, God bless you, and guide you.
 
Cathmom74, if this is your birth year, it means you are just turning 40. It is around this time of our lives we experience a transitional rough patch that can go one way or the other. Some have a crisis and do all sorts of mad and regrettable things powered by this sudden intensity of feeling. When you have lived a life of committed faithfulness to husband, family and God, it can be very disconcerting to experience unexplained temptations and desires. The thing is that they do eventually pass and the calm will return. We have this stage for a reason and the reason is to resolve the baggage we have successfully suppressed for so long. No one can tell you what to do or how to do it but the one thing you have to rely on is the moral truths you have held dear your whole life… and the faith you have lived. The voice of the ‘heart’ that begin to make you question your values is a lie, but the opportunity it presents to live by the grace of God and weather the storm with faith, hope and trust, is a golden opportunity.

So make every effort to reconnect with your spouse and to love your kids, as you shed the baggage of the past. This is a note from one who has been there done that. I came to love the alcoholics prayer. I’m not alcoholic but my experience of midlife madness led me to relate to addicts in a way.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

God bless. :gopray2:
 
Cathmom74 said:
Focusing on my wonderful husband is exactly what I’m going to do!
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Good plan.

Keep in mind that it is natural to wonder if “the grass is greener” elsewhere. As married people, we get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly in our spouses, whereas we often only see other people at their best - on good behaviour in public. This will be especially true of priests. So it’s never a fair comparison. We don’t see the worst of other people the way we do of our spouses. We don’t know if they snore, leave wet towels on the floor, forget to call when they’re running late, fart too loudly, clog the drain with hair, etc… (please consider these generic examples, not personal frustrations).

So when these adulterous thoughts occur, just remind yourself of this - it can never be a fair comparison - you only imagine the pros of the alternative fantasy vs both the pros and the cons of your current reality.

And I’ll reiterate what others have said:
a) it’s highly improbable that your priest thought you were refering to him.
b) it’s a good idea to go elsewhere to confession.
 
LongingSoul said:
Cathmom74, if this is your birth year, it means you are just turning 40. It is around this time of our lives we experience a transitional rough patch that can go one way or the other. Some have a crisis and do all sorts of mad and regrettable things powered by this sudden intensity of feeling. When you have lived a life of committed faithfulness to husband, family and God, it can be very disconcerting to experience unexplained temptations and desires. The thing is that they do eventually pass and the calm will return. We have this stage for a reason and the reason is to resolve the baggage we have successfully suppressed for so long. No one can tell you what to do or how to do it but the one thing you have to rely on is the moral truths you have held dear your whole life… and the faith you have lived. The voice of the ‘heart’ that begin to make you question your values is a lie, but the opportunity it presents to live by the grace of God and weather the storm with faith, hope and trust, is a golden opportunity.

So make every effort to reconnect with your spouse and to love your kids, as you shed the baggage of the past. This is a note from one who has been there done that. I came to love the alcoholics prayer. I’m not alcoholic but my experience of midlife madness led me to relate to addicts in a way.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

God bless. :gopray2:
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Oh, gosh, yes, the hormones. Any phase of life that can make you cry at long-distance commercials can hit you with anything. Stay out of situations that cause you trouble, but don’t beat yourself up because you feel like you have a brain that is a cross between when you were pregnant and when you were hitting adolescence. Maybe you that’s the brain you have today. Stranger things have happened. Soldier on!
 
I dont necessarily think staying away is the best idea. Sometimes familiarity breedscomfort: ie. the more u are around the object of ur desire, the more u realise they’re a normal person, & they dont become this ‘god’ figure for u. What would u do if this situation occurred at work or somewhere u had to remain? = you’d deal with it & them, maybe behave a bit strangely at times, maybe drunkenly confess at the office christmas party (if u were single of course) : & have a big laugh!! I mean, u dont always think like that about ur husband - & why? = cause u know him as a whole person (nit just an object of fantasy…)
 
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