Adultery accusations

[moladybug]

This year I will have been married for 20 years. For over 10 of those years my husband has accused me of being unfaithful to him with numerous men. These accusations are completely false. Anytime anything happens that is stressful he brings up how I am a liar and all problems stem from that point. From being parents, to withholding affection, money problems, business areas, the list goes on.
In the early years of our marriage I admittedly flirted inappropriately with other men at times and as our relationship deteriorated I fantasized about other men. We both drank to much. I quit 5 years ago and he finally quit 3 years ago. My husband was verbally abusive while drunk to everyone in the home and I and our two young adult kids carry the emotional scars.
I got him to a Christian counselor last year and he said there was no reason to be there because I am a liar. The counselor asked if I was submitted to a lie detector test and was tested for multiple personality disorder (his other accusation) would he then be ready to get counseling and work together on our issues. He said he would if I passed.
It’s taken two months but all the mental tests are done with no multiple personality disorder and I passed the lie detector completely.
I love my husband. We have had sweet moments, loving moments, laughter, shared experiences that he is the one I wanted to share these times.
It has been 10 years of good times yes, but I have also been called a liar and unfaithful almost daily as well.
Now that I am looking at paperwork that shows the answers he wanted I don’t know what to do.
Part of me is so angry and I want justification but I know I helped get us here. He has serious trust issues from two failed previous marriages and his mother physically abused him while his alcoholic father belittled him.
I have the information to prove myself but I am so tired of his words and I honestly do not even know if he will except my proof.
I pray. Through all of this my faith and relationship with God has increased! I don’t know what else to do, how to handle the upcoming conversation.
Thank you for listening.

 

[Pattylt]

I would discuss this with both a Priest and the counselor as to the best way to present the evidence. I wouldn’t try to decide what and how to say it myself!

 

[Irishmom2]

OP, are you Catholic? Do you attend mass as a family?

If yes, you may want to make an appointment with your priest. Discuss what you wrote here and ask what he suggests.

 

[moladybug]

Yes our family is Catholic and the kids and I attend church regularly, my husband does not. His reasoning is he went to a catholic school through 8th grade, he already knows all the teachings and now he is living them out.

 

[moladybug]

Thank you for the thoughts.

 

[Wm777]

A lie detector? Psychiatric testing?

To be completely honest, I’m surprised you went that far.

Given what you’ve said - it sounds like you’re simply being manipulated.

If he has a drinking problem, that can contribute to manipulative behavior. Many (even good) folks I know who are trying to (or have) kicked the habit sometimes have a sort of double-vision, whereby I will be given a temperance lecture, even though I don’t smoke, drink or use illicit drugs at all. The feeling one walks away with is like one did something wrong, when one didn’t do anything at all - one could literally just say “Hello! Good morning!”, and somehow they’ll manage to twist the conversation into something to punish you by.

Here’s an interesting thought.

You could go through the IP logs through you ISP. I wouldn’t be surprised - although I am not saying he did… but I wouldn’t be surprised if he looked at a lot of porn… as per the sexual accusations he’s making against you, it could be his own guilty conscience speaking…

Maybe that is going too far, but I’ve honestly never heard of a husband and wife going to the extent of giving each other lie detector tests and psychiatrically testiing each other to keep peace.

 

[Wm777]

Yes our family is Catholic and the kids and I attend church regularly, my husband does not. His reasoning is he went to a catholic school through 8th grade, he already knows all the teachings and now he is living them out.

He apparently doesn’t know the teachings.

Church on Sunday is an obligation, not an option.

The same is true for Holy Days of Obligation.

Confession at least once a year is also obligatory.

That’s just maintaining the bare legal minimum.

It says nothing about the graces and the complete and utter joy derived from prayer. Who wouldn’t want to constantly draw from the goodness God brings?

The family that prays together stays together.

Pax et Bonum.

 

[Irishmom2]

But didn’t you say he was married twice before?

 

[moladybug]

Yes you are correct he does look at online porn and he says it is my fault because of our unsatisfying sex life due to my lies.
There are definitely times when I am punished for things he sees that I am blind sided by. Once at a parking lot a man waved at our car and it went straight to I must have slept with him.
I know he has issues but I am hoping this helps but then I think do I even want too? This disturbs me because I truly believe in the sacrament of marriage.

 

[moladybug]

I very much agree with you. The more I go to church, talk about God with whoever wants to talk about his glorious nature, read my bible, journal, listen to Christian music and continuously seek God, the more it helps. I’m not perfect, I get mad and I struggle. I try very hard to bring God into my hurt to let him move me in his direction.
Thank you for the suggestions and sharing.

 

[moladybug]

Yes twice before, a child with each one. The first he was very young and the second he was trying to have a family.

 

[Inquiry]

I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to get him to the counselor. There are a lot of red flags here and while they may not improve with counseling, they definitely won’t improve without it.

 

[Wm777]

Yes you are correct he does look at online porn and he says it is my fault because of our unsatisfying sex life due to my lies.
There are definitely times when I am punished for things he sees that I am blind sided by. Once at a parking lot a man waved at our car and it went straight to I must have slept with him.
I know he has issues but I am hoping this helps but then I think do I even want too? This disturbs me because I truly believe in the sacrament of marriage.

sighs

Porn is such a bunch of confusing crap.

I hate to ask this, but - is he chatting with people on those sites? Or is he just looking at stuff?

There’s a huge difference.

If he’s chatting with them, then they’re probably challenging him on certain ideas… It’s like they could be presenting him with taking a dare, which if he doesn’t live up to, then makes him look weak…

On the other hand, if he is just looking at it, then it’s more a question of just what he’s thinking…

The only way I’ve found to really counter it is to stand up to them, not accuse you for his own inadequacy… which is a normal way of rationalizing the feeling…

I know this because I’ve seen it myself…

If he sees you as “holding him back” from besting them, then he could blame you…

He’s got to admit responsibility for the problem himself…

Again, porn is confusing crap… the last lady I was with took a look at it one time, and it completely threw her off… even if it is mild, its so full of morally relativistic nonsense…

You seem like a decent lady, and you’re probably forgiving enough to tolerate what he’s looking at… but - even people in those scenes have to very thoroughly regulate themselves to do what they do…

Suppose he went to a strip club - do you think the bouncers wouldn’t clobber him if he got out of line?

I’m very sorry to say it… really… but that’s kind of what you’re dealing with… otherwise, he’ll just keep abusing you…

I’ll pray for you.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Yes twice before, a child with each one. The first he was very young and the second he was trying to have a family.

I’m sorry, I am confused. You say your husband was married twice in the past and then you say you and your whole family are Catholic, but husband does not go to church.

Were you and your husband married in the Catholic Church, by a priest?

 

[Wm777]

I very much agree with you. The more I go to church, talk about God with whoever wants to talk about his glorious nature, read my bible, journal, listen to Christian music and continuously seek God, the more it helps. I’m not perfect, I get mad and I struggle. I try very hard to bring God into my hurt to let him move me in his direction.
Thank you for the suggestions and sharing.

It sounds like you’re probably around the point in your life where you’re being called back to something better.

This is normal around early 30’s, I think.

It might be a bit earlier for women. I don’t know. For me (a guy) I think I was about 33 y/o when I really started to re-vert. Some say the spiritual life starts around 30. I don’t know who they are, though.

Of course, I’d recommend you keep going in a positive direction… Seriously… I dont think I should speak about your husband any further, as I dont want to judge him…

But - for yourself - I would definitely recommend going to church and pursuing all the good, spiritually nourishing stuff you can find! Life is full of blessings. Walk into a church and you see the Glory of God in everyone there - whether they are a sinner or a saint… There are so many great things about church to be adored. Your Creator is there; and He who made you can re-Create and re-store all the dignity you and your family deserve. And for what? An hour a week at a place a few miles away? A few minutes of reading each night?

Let He who make all things new make all things new in you.

Godspeed you on your journey.

 

[DeniseNY]

Maybe that is going too far, but I’ve honestly never heard of a husband and wife going to the extent of giving each other lie detector tests and psychiatrically testiing each other to keep peace.

This is Steve Wilkos Show kind of stuff.

OP, please talk to your priest about this. This behavior is not normal and both spiritual and professional counseling is needed.

 

[Wm777]

Steve Wilkos

I actually had to Google the name to identify him. Yeah, I’ve seen him on Jerry Springer, but none of his own stuff, so I don’t know what he tells people.

I’ll say this though…

The solution probably depends a great deal on what they “eat” intellectually and spiritually.

Take prayer as a means of communication. If a family prays together, i.e. they share their intentions and they work charitably toward building and maintaining a peaceful household, then they’ll do a lot better than if they fill their head with a bunch of worthless scandal geared to incite an audience to simply drive ratings and revenues.

When people honestly, sincerely and constantly talk and pray together in faith, I think they open themselves up enough to let God in, and at least the temptation to accuse and abuse goes away on a significant level. This because the focus is good news.

But when people fill their head with junk… well… it doesn’t work… it predisposes them to self-fulfilling prophecies, which can often be vain and destructive…

 

[do_justly_love_mercy]

Your husband’s behavior is abusive. Accusing one’s partner of infidelity is not uncommon in domestic abuse situations. You should not feel required to undergo a lie detector test to prove that you are not unfaithful to him. In fact, I am surprised that a reputable psychiatrist would go along with this. Making you feel that you have to go to these lengths is just part of his abuse. It is quite possible that he doesn’t believe his own accusations anyway and that he just says these things because he knows the distress it will cause. Accusing an intimate partner of infidelity is pretty low. Trying to make somebody believe that they are mentally ill is also common behavior in an abusive relationship. If you are determined to try to make your marriage work, your husband needs to know that his behavior is abusive and that he has some serious problems of his own, and he needs to get professional help.

 

[Convert3]

Do you pray together? It can be silently, but I highly recommend praying together.

 

[moladybug]

Yes we were married in the church. His first two marriages were justice of the peace and they were annulled by the church.