Adultery. Do you tell?

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Sillara said:
Let us be clear, however, that it was not the telling that made her leave; it was the adultery.

Many times I have heard or read of people saying, “My spouse left because I told.” That is not correct. The spouse left because of the adultery. The Church states that it is praiseworthy to continue conjugal life with an adulterous spouse, but it is NOT required.
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Could you please site where the Church says this. NVM
 
Not to argue just expressing my opinions:

4GB –
A Protestant faith would / could use any excuse to allow divorce. Matthew 19:9 is a teaching from Jesus, and the Catholic Church recognizes that also; as Sillara has posted here in this thread.

Easter –
I respect your opinion and view point – but I disagree. Not wanting to know the truth or failing to recognize it – in my opinion would almost condone that behavior. I have a coworker and he and I were discussing raising children, and he also said that if he did not find out about it – it would not bother him what his children were doing. So if his children / child was associating with a person or group that was into drugs, alcohol, crimes or being abusive they would not want to know thinking that their kids would realize that they were making a mistake the problem would end on its own.
Code: 
Not confronting the problem / situation may allow it to happen again; but that would depend on the individual. But as I read one person’s statement – No one just decides to rob a bank, they plan for it – I view it the same way for an affair no one just in the spur of the moment thinks “I am just going to cheat on my spouse”.
Winter
 
LorilopezInneed said:
I have heard mixed reviews about this. If someone commits adultery must they tell their spouse? Especially if it’s been years since the mortal sin took place? Wouldn’t it be harming more than helping?
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Don’t tell your spouse. And don’t ever admit it. It’ll damage your marriage and relationship.
 
Buck_Crosswhite said:
Don’t tell your spouse. And don’t ever admit it. It’ll damage your marriage and relationship.
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The damage has already been done. Only through telling can the marriage heal.

If you had cancer, would you rather not know, and just let it destroy you from the inside out? Or find out, treat it, heal, and have a better, healthier life.
 
LorilopezInneed said:
I have heard mixed reviews about this. If someone commits adultery must they tell their spouse? Especially if it’s been years since the mortal sin took place? Wouldn’t it be harming more than helping?
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The adulterer cannot come clean without confession. And the faithful has a right to know. Period…
 
Having lived this myself, I wish I didn’t know.

I wish he had a change of heart himself, confessed to the priest and began to renew our marriage.

I wish I didn’t have to carry this burden every single day. This wasn’t my sin, so why should I have to live with guilt and shame?

Unfortunately, that’s not the way things worked out and I found out. It has done me ABSOLUTELY no favors.

He even commented to me once, early on, “I know God can forgive me, I’m just not sure you will.” It’s a daily struggle and forgiveness is a choice we need to make.

However, I don’t think that telling the wronged spouse helps them at all.

Prior to living through this I know I would have said it is important to tell. Now, forget it!
 
PhiloMed said:
Having lived this myself, I wish I didn’t know.

I wish he had a change of heart himself, confessed to the priest and began to renew our marriage.

I wish I didn’t have to carry this burden every single day. This wasn’t my sin, so why should I have to live with guilt and shame?

Unfortunately, that’s not the way things worked out and I found out. It has done me ABSOLUTELY no favors.

He even commented to me once, early on, “I know God can forgive me, I’m just not sure you will.” It’s a daily struggle and forgiveness is a choice we need to make.

However, I don’t think that telling the wronged spouse helps them at all.

Prior to living through this I know I would have said it is important to tell. Now, forget it!
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The fact is though that there are many who have gone through this and still are glad they were told. The injured spouse has a right to know they have been injured. So unless the spouse forfeits this right and lets it be known that they would prefer not to know it is the duty of the unfaithful spouse to tell. The default action needs to be to tell your spouse, and the only reason to not follow this course of action is if you know your spouse would not want to know. While you wish you hadn’t been told there are many others who are glad they have been or wish they had been told rather than discovering it on their own. There are cases where the moral response is to keep quiet, but only when you know that is what your spouse would prefer, otherwise you have a moral duty to tell them. Yes, it will be painful, but that pain is not caused by telling them the truth, but rather by the act of infidelity. Maybe if people stopped associating the pain and broken families with admitting the truth and instead realized that these things are the direct result of adultery they would think a little harder and have more motivation to avoid committing adultery in the first place. The injured spouse has a right to know the truth and it is wrong of the unfaithful spouse to hide this information unless they know it is what the injured spouse would prefer. Period. It is wrong to advise others across the board to keep such a heinous injury secret. The injured spouse has a right to this information and it is wrong to encourage others to deny them this right.
 
thewanderer said:
. It is wrong to advise others across the board to keep such a heinous injury secret. The injured spouse has a right to this information and it is wrong to encourage others to deny them this right.
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I’m simply advising that one may be unnecessarily hurt by being told.

It would be rather hard to have the conversation of, “Honey, I was wondering, if I ever have an affair would you prefer I tell you or would you rather I just repent and spare you the details?” It isn’t the type of thing that typically comes up in conversation.

The OP (just realized it’s from over a year ago) was wondering if it is best to tell or not to tell. I’m just saying there are consequences to this and, for me, it would have been much more merciful for him to face this on his own. I don’t believe I had some supposed “right” to this information. I have a “right” to trust my spouse and not be cheated on in the first place. If it was completely over then there would have been little to be gained by me learning.

Your post somehow implicates that I am wrong in my opinion of this, despite having lived it. I resent that tremendously. Since you’re so into the rights of a spouse, I have a right to feel this way.
 
Philo,

I am sorry you are being put through this – I also had to deal with this. My now EX and Annulled wife carried on her affair for 2 year – with another marry guy. Even while we were in counseling she was with him, even after I found out she stayed in contact with him.

You have nothing to feel guilty or shame about! You did not cause this – everyone of us makes a choice; when we (ex and I) moved into a new house a neighbor came over with her husband to welcome us, the wife of the guy made several passed at me, not only was I disgusted that someone married could even do that to a complete stranger I also informed my wife at the time. I never dealt with those neighbors afterwards. Again it is a choice we all can make, regardless of what “issues” someone is dealing with.

Again – do not feel guilty or shamed, you were NOT the cause.

I pray that God grants you peace and strength, now and always.

Winter
 
PhiloMed said:
I’m simply advising that one may be unnecessarily hurt by being told.

It would be rather hard to have the conversation of, “Honey, I was wondering, if I ever have an affair would you prefer I tell you or would you rather I just repent and spare you the details?” It isn’t the type of thing that typically comes up in conversation.

The OP (just realized it’s from over a year ago) was wondering if it is best to tell or not to tell. I’m just saying there are consequences to this and, for me, it would have been much more merciful for him to face this on his own. I don’t believe I had some supposed “right” to this information. I have a “right” to trust my spouse and not be cheated on in the first place. If it was completely over then there would have been little to be gained by me learning.

Your post somehow implicates that I am wrong in my opinion of this, despite having lived it. I resent that tremendously. Since you’re so into the rights of a spouse, I have a right to feel this way.
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Oh no, I didn’t mean to imply you are wrong in feeling the way you did! I’m really sorry that my post came across that way. It was just that at the end of your post you made a general statement that there is no benefit to the injured spouse in telling them, and that made it sound as though you, as some others on here have done, were advising that an unfaithful spouse is obliged to not tell. I have no problem with a particular spouse not wanting to know if they were cheated on. I understand that some people are like that and I tried to make that clear in my post by saying that there are times when the moral action is to remain silent, but that that is only the moral action if the unfaithful spouse knows (or has strong reason to believe) that is what the injured spouse would prefer. Does that make my previous post clearer? Again, I am sorry it came across so poorly as though I was invalidating you and your experiences. That is not at all what I was trying to do.
 
Winter- thank you for your thoughts. We are working on things one day at a time. To be honest, our marriage had probably crumbled far before the affair started. Things are better now. My shame rests with having people in my family know. I fear they will never respect my husband again. This hurts me.

wanderer- I appreciate your clarification. It’s a tricky situation for one to be in and I hope few ever have to walk this road. For me, because my husband made a commitment to our family, has been grieving for his actions and truly wants us to be a family I wish I only knew that part and not about when he lost his way. It would be so much easier to move on from past issues if “that” wasn’t one of them.
 
Winter_Warlock said:
Easter –
I respect your opinion and view point – but I disagree. Not wanting to know the truth or failing to recognize it – in my opinion would almost condone that behavior. I have a coworker and he and I were discussing raising children, and he also said that if he did not find out about it – it would not bother him what his children were doing. So if his children / child was associating with a person or group that was into drugs, alcohol, crimes or being abusive they would not want to know thinking that their kids would realize that they were making a mistake the problem would end on its own.
Code: 
Not confronting the problem / situation may allow it to happen again; but that would depend on the individual. But as I read one person’s statement – No one just decides to rob a bank, they plan for it – I view it the same way for an affair no one just in the spur of the moment thinks “I am just going to cheat on my spouse”.
Winter
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I totally disagree that adultery comes out of planning. Sometimes, yes, but too often it comes out of pride, out of the “plan” to have more willpower than one has. And yes, the offender might have to tell because he (or she) realizes he needs to be accountable to his spouse in order to stop the offenses or just because the spouse has to be told of other consequences (diseases or pregnancies).

My point is that these are the priorities: a) stop the offense (whether it is adultery, near adultery, lust, or covetousness), b) protect the feelings of the innocent spouse, and c) feel relieved of the burden of the sin. Adultery is a very insulting and humiliating thing to do to your spouse. You can add insult to injury by telling them when what is really needed is to repent and reform.

My point is not that people avoid telling in order to sin and yet avoid the consequence of recrimination! My point is that people choose protecting the feelings of their spouse (if they feel sure their spouse would want that) over feeling relieved by having “come clean”. If they think their spouse would want to know or might want to know, they ought to tell. If they had an affair 20 years ago, though, and still feel guilty about it, well, maybe that is too bad. You reformed without telling. If you know you’ll hurt your spouse by telling now, don’t choose to give them the pain so you can have relief from what you’ve done. You feel better but they feel awful: Where is the virtue in that?
 
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