It’s been a year since this post, but I was disappointed to see bad advise being given to the OP mostly in the form of “don’t tell!” Furthermore, to insinuate there could possibly be any acceptable justification to throw away one’s own morals and soul to commit a SIN is simply preposterous! As a betrayed spouse, I find it offensive that no-one considered in our marriage vows we promise before God to respect, honor, and cherish our spouses. All of these duties encompass the domain of honesty. One dishonors the self, God, and the spouse when practicing deceit. Confessing to a priest alone will not clear you of the responsibility to be truthful to the one you have wronged. It is Catholic teaching that any promise made with God as witness, under false pretense places you at the same level as a blasphemer, for you have made God witness to a lie. (It’s in the Catechism, look it up under taking the Lord’s Name in vain).
I’m recovering from my husband’s adultery and I’m disappointed to find myself with no organized support system within my Catholic faith. My diocese’s website has a “Divorce Ministry” in place, but nothing official at all for those who wish to SAVE their marriage. Why are we so accepting of tearing asunder what God has united?
Those who said to seek professional help were right. Contrary to what others said about keeping the adultery secret, a good counselor will tell you that honesty is best. If you hope to fix your marriage, are repentant for your sin, fully intend to never again fall, and be fully committed to your spouse, how can you possibly do these things if you are building right over an unsteady foundation of dishonesty and secrets? By continuing to lie, you are placing a barrier between you that will prevent you from fully connecting with him/her and will keep you in complicity with your adulterous partner. That’s how you got in trouble in the first place. You allowed distance and barriers to grow between you and your spouse and allowed an outsider in to share in your confidence and intimacy in their stead. Even the most distant, frigid spouse doesn’t deserve adultery. You make a choice for them by not seeking help before you cheat. Whatever our spouses are doing or neglecting to do to and for us doesn’t have any control over us, our morality, our values, or our choices. As I said to my husband when he tried to shove the blame of his adultery on our relationship being distant: You could have said something. You could have sought help for us, you could have reached out. **I was in the same troubled marriage as you and had the same opportunities to cheat, but I made the choice to respect my vows. ** You see, NOTHING justifies the pain, shame, betrayal, and wound to my soul.There is NO excuse. If you’re unhappy, speak up! If you’re in danger, leave! Don’t throw away your integrity over sex or attention. It’s not worth that little.
My husband had emotional affairs over the years which he denied when confronted. The lies put distance between us and made it easier to do what came after. He had a one night stand with a stranger during a business trip, and several years later, he began an affair with the choir director at our former parish. It began as what he thought was her “harmless” flirting via text and email, within a few days, they were having sex in some parking lot in plain daylight. By hiding his emotional affairs and one night stand, he built a wall between us and he allowed outsiders to erode away his weakened resolve; his lack of boundaries let the affair begin. His LIES left us vulnerable to devastating choices and outside attack. He’d still be denying anything ever took place if that despicable woman hadn’t passed on an STD which he in turn gave to me. And still, he continued to lie, made up a cover story to obscure her part. His loyalty had switched from me, his wife, to that adulterous interloper. How is that right?
As we dealt in the aftermath, it was clear he was holding back. Our healing wouldn’t be real as long as he kept secrets and kept lying about what he’d done. Marriage and individual counseling, and Retrouvaille would be useless if he never told the truth. It’d be like building a house on top of quicksand. We didn’t make real progress until he made a full admission.
What unfaithful spouses need to realize is that there’s no easy way out of infidelity. You don’t get to make a unilateral choice that will undeniably affect your spouse’s life and then exert control over their life by withholding truth because you don’t want to pay the price of YOUR betrayal. By lying, you are essentially controlling and holding them hostage to YOUR will. You’ve already made one selfish choice, are you really going to make another?
There’s no guarantee your spouse will want to work through unbelievable pain towards forgiveness. It’s been 4 months for me, and still, some days I wish I was dead. I’m depressed and anxious, we’ve changed parishes to cut off contact with the adultery partner, and we have tremendously painful days to endure. But we’ve prayed our way through the worst of it. I made it out from the darkest moment I’ve ever experienced, and though I struggle daily to trust my husband and believe we will ultimately make it, I trust wholeheartedly in the Lord and His infinite mercy.
If you’re thinking of cheating, get help. If you’ve already committed adultery, get help. If like me, you find yourself in the midst of this terrible storm, get help. But please don’t lie, it will only keep you apart from your spouse, you will never heal, and you are making yourself vulnerable to an even worse fall in the future. There is nothing hidden in heaven or earth that our Father does not see, and in time, all shadows are brought to the light.
I pray for each of us, that we may be granted wisdom, strength, faith and love to make it through and do the right thing always according to God’s commandments.
