D
Danie1113
Guest
I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this but considering others seemed to have posted similar questions, I hope it is okay. I’ll try to explain this as briefly as I can.
I have a dear Catholic friend who I’ll call Abby who I met doing an internship program 5 years ago. She lives a good plane ride away so we don’t see each other in person often but we talk on the phone and text often. We are both in our late 20s. She volunteers in Catholic youth ministry and her Catholic faith is at the center of her life. She is committed to waiting until marriage to have sex. However, she’s been in a serious relationship with a non-Catholic man, Jake, (who is apparently Christian) for about a year. When she first told me about him, I was very surprised to learn that he wasn’t Catholic as I know she always dreamed of having a relationship with a Catholic man who shared her faith.
(I provide the following info, not as judgement, but simply to provide perspective about the situation) A few weeks into their relationship, she revealed to me that she thought her and Jake had crossed a line in terms of physical boundaries. She didn’t specify what (and I didn’t ask of course) but she explained that Jake isn’t a virgin and while he respected her decision to wait, he told her it was hard for him because he “had needs” (I hate that excuse…no one dies from lack of sex lol). She made it clear that she will never wake up in a bed with a guy who isn’t her husband and he told her he respects that but “if she changes her mind to let her know.” Abby owns her own house and I guess Jake sleeps over often on the couch, but she’s mentioned they’ve cuddled in bed before heading to bed separately.
They seem to be very serious and have talked about marriage and went looking at engagement rings. Jake doesn’t seem to be good with money and has no savings in his account. About a month ago, Abby told me that if Jake can find a job near her house, that they are thinking about moving in together. I got a sick feeling in my stomach when she told me this, as the Abby i met 5 years ago would have never even entertained this idea. I gently explained that while she is free to make her own decisions, she will have to answer to God some day about her choices. I explained how much more difficult not having sex will be if they are living together and I was just concerned, out of love for her as her sister in Christ, for her soul. She basically responded by saying that she appreciates it but that Jake really wants to move in and doesn’t understand why it’s wrong. She also alluded to making already crossed some physical boundaries with Jake. I didn’t bother to mention the message it may send to the kids she leads in youth ministry. She didn’t seem to care for my advice.
The two of them have gone through a lot together in the last year–most significantly, the sudden death of Jake’s father and so I can imagine that bonded them a lot. Abby lives in the South (I live in the Northeast) and it is my understanding that women in this area are under a lot of pressure to get married before 30 (maybe moreso than where I am from).
Anyway, needless to say, I am very concerned and saddened by all of this. I haven’t met Jake yet and while I am sure he is a great guy, and that they care about each other I am afraid my friend is settling for a relationship (and possibly a marriage). I hesitate to even say that they “love each other” because he doesn’t seem interested in protecting her purity at all which I think is a hallmark of authentic love and true manhood. Abby tells me Jake does go with her to Mass and would be okay with her raising children Catholic if thats what she wants, but he just doesn’t believe/understand in the Church’s teaching on a lot of things. She seems happy that he “goes to church for her.” For me, I would want someone to go to Mass with me because they want to receive the Eucharist and celebrate our Lord, not simply to “make me happy.” I also wouldn’t want the responsibility of teaching the faith to my kids to fall to me by default–I would want to share it with my husband. His lack of money smarts/savings also concerns me a little, but obviously are secondary concerns.
I think it is important to note that I am engaged to a wonderful, devout Catholic man–one who loves the Church and Her teachings, who protects my purity and loves me fully with Christ’s love. It is so wonderful to be a relationship where I never have to worry that my husband will request I go on birth control, or skip Mass in favor of watching the Superbowl, and can go to Adoration with/pray the rosary with/talk about Church teachings with. I’m not sure if there is envy/jealousy on Abby’s part because I have this type of relationship that I suspect she truly desires. Of course, we never know what the Lord may have in store. Maybe Jake will eventually come to the faith, but it makes me sad to know that she may get married to a man who doesn’t even believe in marriage as a sacrament.
I don’t want to press on this issue too much with her as I think she already kows I have my concerns…and she seems to have just come to a “agree to disagree” sort of mindset when it comes to her and Jake’s faith differences. It just makes me sad because my shared faith with my fiance is the very core of our relationship.
I don’t really know what the point of this post is lol. Prayers for this situation I guess and any advice?
I have a dear Catholic friend who I’ll call Abby who I met doing an internship program 5 years ago. She lives a good plane ride away so we don’t see each other in person often but we talk on the phone and text often. We are both in our late 20s. She volunteers in Catholic youth ministry and her Catholic faith is at the center of her life. She is committed to waiting until marriage to have sex. However, she’s been in a serious relationship with a non-Catholic man, Jake, (who is apparently Christian) for about a year. When she first told me about him, I was very surprised to learn that he wasn’t Catholic as I know she always dreamed of having a relationship with a Catholic man who shared her faith.
(I provide the following info, not as judgement, but simply to provide perspective about the situation) A few weeks into their relationship, she revealed to me that she thought her and Jake had crossed a line in terms of physical boundaries. She didn’t specify what (and I didn’t ask of course) but she explained that Jake isn’t a virgin and while he respected her decision to wait, he told her it was hard for him because he “had needs” (I hate that excuse…no one dies from lack of sex lol). She made it clear that she will never wake up in a bed with a guy who isn’t her husband and he told her he respects that but “if she changes her mind to let her know.” Abby owns her own house and I guess Jake sleeps over often on the couch, but she’s mentioned they’ve cuddled in bed before heading to bed separately.
They seem to be very serious and have talked about marriage and went looking at engagement rings. Jake doesn’t seem to be good with money and has no savings in his account. About a month ago, Abby told me that if Jake can find a job near her house, that they are thinking about moving in together. I got a sick feeling in my stomach when she told me this, as the Abby i met 5 years ago would have never even entertained this idea. I gently explained that while she is free to make her own decisions, she will have to answer to God some day about her choices. I explained how much more difficult not having sex will be if they are living together and I was just concerned, out of love for her as her sister in Christ, for her soul. She basically responded by saying that she appreciates it but that Jake really wants to move in and doesn’t understand why it’s wrong. She also alluded to making already crossed some physical boundaries with Jake. I didn’t bother to mention the message it may send to the kids she leads in youth ministry. She didn’t seem to care for my advice.
The two of them have gone through a lot together in the last year–most significantly, the sudden death of Jake’s father and so I can imagine that bonded them a lot. Abby lives in the South (I live in the Northeast) and it is my understanding that women in this area are under a lot of pressure to get married before 30 (maybe moreso than where I am from).
Anyway, needless to say, I am very concerned and saddened by all of this. I haven’t met Jake yet and while I am sure he is a great guy, and that they care about each other I am afraid my friend is settling for a relationship (and possibly a marriage). I hesitate to even say that they “love each other” because he doesn’t seem interested in protecting her purity at all which I think is a hallmark of authentic love and true manhood. Abby tells me Jake does go with her to Mass and would be okay with her raising children Catholic if thats what she wants, but he just doesn’t believe/understand in the Church’s teaching on a lot of things. She seems happy that he “goes to church for her.” For me, I would want someone to go to Mass with me because they want to receive the Eucharist and celebrate our Lord, not simply to “make me happy.” I also wouldn’t want the responsibility of teaching the faith to my kids to fall to me by default–I would want to share it with my husband. His lack of money smarts/savings also concerns me a little, but obviously are secondary concerns.
I think it is important to note that I am engaged to a wonderful, devout Catholic man–one who loves the Church and Her teachings, who protects my purity and loves me fully with Christ’s love. It is so wonderful to be a relationship where I never have to worry that my husband will request I go on birth control, or skip Mass in favor of watching the Superbowl, and can go to Adoration with/pray the rosary with/talk about Church teachings with. I’m not sure if there is envy/jealousy on Abby’s part because I have this type of relationship that I suspect she truly desires. Of course, we never know what the Lord may have in store. Maybe Jake will eventually come to the faith, but it makes me sad to know that she may get married to a man who doesn’t even believe in marriage as a sacrament.
I don’t want to press on this issue too much with her as I think she already kows I have my concerns…and she seems to have just come to a “agree to disagree” sort of mindset when it comes to her and Jake’s faith differences. It just makes me sad because my shared faith with my fiance is the very core of our relationship.
I don’t really know what the point of this post is lol. Prayers for this situation I guess and any advice?
What a beautiful anecdote at that! <3 I too know friends who are in beautiful marriages with lapsed/non Catholics so I do know it can work and everyone’s journey is different (I should have included that in my original post haha!!) I’m praying that if my friend marries this man that he will eventually come to the faith! I guess I’m more concerned right now about the fact that I think she is slowly compromising her values and morals.
