Advice about adult teen daughter

[sadie66]

My 18 year old daughter has a boyfriend who she is sexually active with. I have talked about this to her and let her know my, and the church view (God’s view) on this. She still goes to mass weekly but I have recently let her know that if she chooses to continue in her actions that she should not go to communion. Her boyfriend, while a nice, hardworking young man- has no spiritual life and didn’t grow up in a happy or spiritual home. She has now told me that she is going away for the weekend with him. I am not sure how to handle this situation. She has 4 younger sisters from 5-16 years old and they are influenced by her. (I also pointed this out to her) I can keep the weekend situation from them- she is gone a lot (with work and activities) and it is not unusual for her to spend a weekend with girlfriends in college. My heart breaks about her decisions and I am fervently praying. Any advice?

 

[kage_ar]

Explain the house rules.

“If you live in my house, premarital sex is not permitted. Should you choose to spend the night with your boyfriend, you will come home to find your clothes packed and ready for you on the porch. Should you wish to continue with free room and board, you will act in a moral manner.”

Do not be afraid to be the parent, to set rules and enforce them.

 

[TZiggy]

Explain the house rules.

“If you live in my house, premarital sex is not permitted. Should you choose to spend the night with your boyfriend, you will come home to find your clothes packed and ready for you on the porch. Should you wish to continue with free room and board, you will act in a moral manner.”

Do not be afraid to be the parent, to set rules and enforce them.

I completely agree:
Might I suggest MAKING her listen to one of Christopher Wests lectures on Theology of the body first. When I say “make” I mean sit down and listen to it with her. Don’t take “no” for an answer. Christopher West lays it all out there. His presentation will give you plenty to talk about and much for your daughter to think about. If your daughter still wants to give her body to her “boyfriend” after listening to West, she needs to feel the weight of being an adult and all the responsibilities that brings.

 

[Primox]

Set rules and enforce them.

Respectfully disagree.

18 is a sensitive age. If you come on too strong, you’re going to alienate her. A better method (says I) is to gently remind her often of God’s will, rather than sitting her down and brow-beating her on issues she clearly doesn’t understand well enough to save herself from sin. Explain to her the futility of pleasure-seeking, the transience of sex-based / sex-maintained relationships on one side of the coin, and on the other, remind her** always **that it’s never too late to turn to Christ again and recieve his unending mercy. Sometimes the sting of sin isn’t what we do, but what we never return to do.

Gentle frequent reminders, though, not infrequent stark admonishments.

Keep praying,
God is surely with you,

Blessings.

 

[jwashu]

I’m torn as I’m usually, form my counseling background, Mr. Psychology lets discuss it and work it out.

It’s true that 18 is a difficult age so perhaps Kage’s advice is correct but do it gently.

When I was 23 even and my future wife and I came to visit my parents, and they assumed things were going on, it was going to happen in there house. They paid for most of college as well thus there were rules to follow - have a good time but…

There are always rules in life, some can bend some can be broken but I have to agree that if the teenager is living at home, they should follow the house rules. I had to as did my friends and I believe it was good for us.

Joe

PS - We still had a good time and did some things we probably shouldn’t have but we did obey our parents for the most part. Don’t expect her to be perfect, but DO expect her to at least try.

 

[Cat]

The problem is, the rules should have been made known from the time the girl was a child.

Our girls grew up hearing us explain the rules of involvement with a boy–if they were living as a married couple, whether they had the ceremony or not, they were OUT of our house and no longer receiving any financial support from us, because married couples are supposed to live together and support each other, not let mommy and daddy do it.

18 years old is legally of age in the U.S. You no longer have the option of acting like an adult in some things, like sex, and a child in other things, like living at home and letting mom and dad feed you.

Our girls KNEW this from their childhood. Now that they are adults (23 and 26), they talk about this. There was NO lack of clarity.

However, it’s too late for your 18-year-old daughter. (Not too late for the OTHER children in your family–start NOW to hammer those rules into their psyche so they won’t try the same con job that your daughter is trying to get away with.)

And I agree with those who say, “She’s out.” Like I said, she’s a legal adult and you are perfectly within your rights to ask her to leave the house and live with the man that she has chosen to give herself to. Tell her that you are making her leave for THEIR good, to allow them to truly be joined together in all things, not just physically.

To allow her to stay in the house when there are younger siblings is sending a strong message to the young siblines that Mom and Dad will tolerate ANYTHING that we do, so we might as well try to get away with it.

What sin will you NOT tolerate? Drug use? Stealing? Murder? Abortion?

I would say get a spine. You must have had one at some point, since you had children. Find that spine and straighten it out and do your duty.

 

[1ke]

My 18 year old daughter has a boyfriend who she is sexually active with. I have talked about this to her and let her know my, and the church view (God’s view) on this.

#1: It’s not a view. That implies there can be other, equally valid views. It’s a SIN. A mortal one. It’s an offense to God.

#2: Did you begin talking with her when she was a young adolescent, using chastity education in context of Church teaching?

She still goes to mass weekly but I have recently let her know that if she chooses to continue in her actions that she should not go to communion.

Certainly she should not receive Holy Communion while sinning mortally. However, there you go again with “if you choose to be sexually active.” You are sending a mixed message to her. There is not a choice in this matter. It’s wrong, period.

Her boyfriend, while a nice, hardworking young man- has no spiritual life and didn’t grow up in a happy or spiritual home.

Perhaps you can influence him in a positive manner.

She has now told me that she is going away for the weekend with him. I am not sure how to handle this situation. She has 4 younger sisters from 5-16 years old and they are influenced by her. (I also pointed this out to her) I can keep the weekend situation from them- she is gone a lot (with work and activities) and it is not unusual for her to spend a weekend with girlfriends in college. My heart breaks about her decisions and I am fervently praying. Any advice?

Who’s the parent here?

She *told *you she was going away from the weekend with him? This is unacceptable. She is NOT an adult, she is still a child and still under your roof. This pattern is not one that develops overnight. How long has she been doing as she pleased? What are your rules in the house? How do you enforce them and discipline the children? When did you start talking to them about chastity?

Lay down the law, and if she doesn’t like the law, it’s time for her to get a dose of reality-- she can move out if she doesn’t like the house rules. Period.

 

[Primox]

Start NOW to hammer those rules into their psyche so they won’t try the same con job that your daughter is trying to get away with.)

This is a bit crude, I think.

I am going to have to urge further: the time of of staunch rule-setting and enforcing has passed. There is a sensitive period in which children are molded by such reinforcements, and that period is almost to a close. By alienating her from you, you will by no means bring her closer to Christ. She is an adult, and if not by your terms, by hers I’m sure. Whatever decision she makes regarding her sin, it must be willful; coerced perhaps, but not forced. You wouldn’t cut a child off from support and shelter because she holds judgemental views of people, or is pride-filled. Neither should you cast her out, because she is sinning in another way.

Keep reminding gently,
Keep praying,
You have my prayers as well.

 

[sadie66]

Wow. I have some harsh judgemental critics! Yes, I have been guiding my children in their spiritual lives for their entire lives. They have gone to Catholic school, I have had many, many talks with them regarding sexuality, morality and all aspects of the Catholic faith. I have been a strict parent and am cautious about what they are allowed to do. However, I am not perfect and neither are my children. In a perfect world, children will listen to their parents at all times and embrace Jesus Christ and their faith always. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen.
My main goal at this point is to guide my daughter back to her faith and protect my other children from negative influence. The other girls are not aware of this situation and will not be- this is a matter that is between my oldest daughter, her parents and God. I have let her know that her immoral behavior will not be tolerated in my house or in front of my other children and that if she chooses to defy this- that she can pack her bags. However, I truly feel that if I have her leave now, not only will I have to make her younger sisters aware of the situation- but I will drive her further from the Church and allienate her from those who can still positively influence her.
Overall, she is loving with her sisters, kind to all that she comes in contact with and a honest hard worker- I am so proud of her in many ways, but she is choosing to be blind to this truth (as many other Catholics in today’s society). BTW- I did order the recomended CD (on sexuality- Christopher…can’t remember his name) and I can’t wait to get it. Thanks for the help.

 

[iluvmybabies]

My 18 year old daughter has a boyfriend who she is sexually active with. I have talked about this to her and let her know my, and the church view (God’s view) on this. She still goes to mass weekly but I have recently let her know that if she chooses to continue in her actions that she should not go to communion. Her boyfriend, while a nice, hardworking young man- has no spiritual life and didn’t grow up in a happy or spiritual home. She has now told me that she is going away for the weekend with him. I am not sure how to handle this situation. She has 4 younger sisters from 5-16 years old and they are influenced by her. (I also pointed this out to her) I can keep the weekend situation from them- she is gone a lot (with work and activities) and it is not unusual for her to spend a weekend with girlfriends in college. My heart breaks about her decisions and I am fervently praying. Any advice?

Teens! I have a daughter whom in 2 years will be a teen…BUT she acts like one big time. It gets frustrating because I am not ready for teen years…Not yet…I am like “Please LORD allow those 2 years to come in a long long long time!!!” LOL Seriously! But I can understand your frustration and agony…Since she’s 18 she feels she is an adult and can pretty much make her own decisions…And I understand that too…BUT she is your child and she does live under your roof…

One friend of mine when she turned 18 wanted to move out…She told me her parent’s were being too strict since they had found out she was sexually active and that she couldn’t stand them any more…They gave her rules such as as long as you are under my roof no men, at all…She had to stick to their daily schedule of bed time, etc since she was going to college…Even on the weekends they had her restricted…But she complained and her parents told her fine, they told her “let’s see how long you last out on your own!”…

They were wealthy parents and spoiled her…So she moved in with me for a month…Why so short, well at the end of the month my parent’s decided she needed to pay for the rent, her own food, charge her for electricity, water and for cable and phone usage since she couldn’t pay for her own cell phone any more…Right there and there she moved back with her parents and started obeying their rules… When I asked her why she moved back she told me in all honesty she was not going to work her butt off when she could live at home for free, and just has to obey their rules…I asked her what about her bf, and she told me “I am just going to have to wait it’s no biggie anyhow, as soon as I graduate, we are getting married and living together”… When she was 20 she got married and moved out with her hubby to his condo…What she did in private if anything no one ever knew because from what everyone could tell she was obeying all her parent’s rules…And she never told me she was doing anything…I believe she really learned to respect herself and her parents…Her bf, then hubby was an older man too…And he did wait for her…As far as we all knew…lol

It might seem like you are pushing her away if you try to let her know about your rules but life is so much harder out there and if you let her have all that freedom then she will continue doing the things you don’t want her to do… My parent’s were way too strict and didn’t trust me at all…And I was the first one to graduate college and get married before having any kids, but left as soon as I was 18…My sister on the other hand at 17 had a bun in the oven…lol…but she was free and had all of my parent’s trust… So there has to be some kind of in-between, you can’t be too lenient and can’t be too strict that way she doesn’t feel so suffocated and you don’t feel like you are letting her do whatever she wants…

It’s a compromise you know?! Talk to her some more, I am sure something is sticking in there even if it might not seem like it…Good luck and GOD bless…Hope all works out…

 

[sleddawg]

As the father of a 17 year old “free spirited” daughter I do sympathize. I’m in the military and quickly found that I could be as strict as I wanted with her but my child was going to grow on her own with daddy’s guidance or not. Earlier on I chose to be the example as any parent worth their salt should be.

  If my daughter makes mistakes or wrong decisions I will still be there for her even though I’m not in agreement with her actions, she knows that, she tests it, she's a teenager, go figure. I have explained to her the difference between my tolerance and my acceptance and that I will be vocal concerning any of her actions I find unacceptable. I can administer small punishments now and I have in the past but as she gets older she will have to find her own way in this world, through her own experiences good and bad somewhat like I did (and I am by no means perfect). I will have to be there for her in either case so alienating her for her faults is not an option.

 I have to ensure that if she strays the road remains open back to me and the Church. Over reacting can cause irreversible damage so keep to the path for the long haul not the quick fix, life is a game of chess not checkers. My faith tells me that God accepts us even though we’re not perfect, it's the least I can do for my own child. If she sins along the way I have faith she will come to truly repent them, if not now, in the future (again also like her father did). 

Let your daughter know how you feel, let her know your main interest lies in her physical along with her spiritual well being. Offer to go with her to speak to a priest you trust about the Eucharist issue you mentioned, not all religious counselling happens in a confessional. It may be embarrassing for all three of you but it will also show that Catholics are interested in the well being of Catholics, we are a society, and there is support.

 I thank you for your post; it shows me that I am not alone with the same problem. I’m sure with God’s help we will both pull through, probably with a little more grey hair than when we started but pull through all the same.

 

[sadie66]

:thumbsup:For those of you who replied with kind & wise advice, thank you. I combined some of your suggestions and wisely went to my husband (we had discussed it last night- but hadn’t come up with a solution) and we finally agreed that we needed to put a firm foot down in this situation- although it was painful. She eventually backed down (angrily, of course) with the thought of having to move out. Although the situation with the boyfriend is still not resolved to our satisfaction, we are relieved that in the case of weekend-get-aways- she knows that there is no comprimise. I still can’t wait to get the Theology of the Body CD’s to share with her. I have discussed this subject in detail with her in the past- including giving her Jason Evert’s books on chastity- but maybe something will click this time or at least a small seed will be planted.
Thanks again for all of the help.

 

[iluvmybabies]

:thumbsup:For those of you who replied with kind & wise advice, thank you. I combined some of your suggestions and wisely went to my husband (we had discussed it last night- but hadn’t come up with a solution) and we finally agreed that we needed to put a firm foot down in this situation- although it was painful. She eventually backed down (angrily, of course) with the thought of having to move out. Although the situation with the boyfriend is still not resolved to our satisfaction, we are relieved that in the case of weekend-get-aways- she knows that there is no comprimise. I still can’t wait to get the Theology of the Body CD’s to share with her. I have discussed this subject in detail with her in the past- including giving her Jason Evert’s books on chastity- but maybe something will click this time or at least a small seed will be planted.
Thanks again for all of the help.

Good day sadie, thank GOD you were able to speak with her and get hubby involved…It’s great to have some kind of family understanding there…I am glad you were able to get somewhere with the situation…Baby steps remember baby steps and you guys took one big one so great! And hope things work out! Take care dear, and GOD bless!