Advice about Dating someone with a child

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I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. When we met, he was very honest about the fact that he had a young child. I later found out that he was unsure if the baby was his as he had a suspicion that his ex was un-faithful. (That’s a long story, and besides the point). My boyfriend recently confirmed that the baby is his. I am conflicted as this man is everything I prayed for. He is Catholic, but not practicing until we met. He is now faithful about attending Mass with me and desires to grow more in his faith. Our values align quite well, and we both want children. The child itself is not a deal breaker to me since I do want more children, and honestly the child will not be with us as the mother has custody. I am looking for advice from those (specifically women) who have step-children. My boyfriend is now going to pursue partial custody (every-other weekend). He has not had custody over the past year (obviously he is not on good terms with the mother). My questions are… how can I work to bridge the gap with the ex? This is a relationship that I have been in to discern marriage with my boyfriend. He is my best friend, and would be a wonderful husband. But how do I now welcome this child into our relationship (the baby has basically been non-existent in our lives until this point). Also, I feel that God is calling me to be a mother, so I’m conflicted… feeling like I would love to be a mother figure to this baby. I am simply conflicted, and looking for any advice from those who have been in a similar situation. I know that my situation is unique, as my boyfriend would not have full custody, and the ex will always be involved. Thanks in advance.
 
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I would advise you to proceed with caution before marriage. It takes a special sort of sacrifice to know that your husband’s ex will always be in his life. It takes a special sort of person to be married to a man who has a created a family with another woman, and now wants to create a new family with you. Step-parenting is not easy.

Take it slow, take time to get some counseling for both of you sooner than later.
 
Can you be more specific about the concern you have regarding the child?

It seems like you knew when you met the man that he might have a child with another lady, so this wasn’t a big surprise.
Do you think you might have trouble with accepting and loving the child?
Or do you think your boyfriend’s commitments to the child and/or to the child’s mom, including perhaps financial commitment, will somehow take away from your relationship and family with him?
 
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Understand that his baby will have to come before your relationship. Try to be as respectful towards the mother as you can. Follow her requests and support her as much as possible. The most important thing for you all to remember is that the baby is innocent in this situation and deserves both his parents in his life. Everything should be geared towards facilitating that.
 
I actually do not have any of the concerns above. I am financially set… and my boyfriend is on the path to being more able to support a potential future family. As for sacrificing time… this is not a concern as the baby would not be with my boyfriend full time. And she is quite young… I love babies and enjoy spending time with her (the few times he has seen her in the past year). My concern is bridging the gap with the ex… is there anything I can do to assist or should I stay removed from that situation? I have tried to explain to my boyfriend that not only will she be in his life forever, but in mine too if we are to get married. I’m also wondering if anyone has experience marrying a man with children. I feel like this would be easier if my boyfriend had full custody of the child, but this will likely never be the case.
 
Encourage your boyfriend to include the baby’s mother as much as possible. It’s likely she may feel angry, upset and/or sceptical that your boyfriend means to keep in contact with him. Just stay calm and respectful, and show to her through your actions that you don’t mean to let the baby down, ever. Understand that she must have very real concerns about the situation.

Another important thing is never to criticise the mother in front of the child. Make sure the baby feels welcome in your home, that your boyfriend prioritises spending time with them, no matter what.
 
Firstly, know your priorities. Your concern should be firstly, for your spiritual good, secondly, for the spiritual good of others. The material good follows naturally from the above considerations.

As to the first priority, make sure that your boyfriend was never married, or, you’d be committing adultery.

For the second priority, ensure that he’s gone to confession, and confessed all his sins.

After that, arrange your marriage.
 
Thank you. He has never been married - the baby was conceived out of wedlock. This is not the baby’s fault. Thankfully the mother is Catholic, although not practicing. And yes, my boyfriend has since been to confession and realizes that he committed a sin. Unfortunately our sins have earthly consequences. Obviously, it is not a perfect situation but I hope and pray that it can be worked out.
 
Ok, that’s good. Every saint has a past, nobody is sinless. You’d make a great mother; instill in your children a love of God and knowledge of Him.
 
I think that until you are actually married, you do not need to be concerned with gapping any bridges with his ex. In fact, I think she needs to see and hear from you as little as need be. I say this not as anything against you, I think you seem like a supportive and caring woman. My concern is how the ex could interfere or twist what you are trying to do, only to be petty and vindictive towards your boyfriend. Let your boyfriend handle his ex. Be there for him when he has his child with him by being a smiling positive force, but still realize that you are not his wife. Yes, they will always be in each other’s lives, but less so as the child gets older.

I think you sound like a good influence on your boyfriend. Continue to lead by example and I wish you the best. 🙂
 
moonsandstars said:
My questions are… how can I work to bridge the gap with the ex?
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I’m speaking not as someone who has raised step-children, but I was raised by in a step-parent/blended-family situation and can hopefully provide some insight.

Could you elaborate a little more on the ex? What is she like? What specific gap is there to bridge? Does she demonstrate healthy boundaries toward your relationship with your boyfriend? At the time she became pregnant, was she in a serious relationship with your boyfriend? If so, do you know why they broke up?

One common problem that crops up in these situations is differing parenting philosophies. (“How could you let her stay up that late?” “We don’t normally watch movies on week nights. Why did you let her do that?”) Ideally issues like these are worked out between a husband and wife. In this case, you’ll need to work them out with the ex on one side and you and your boyfriend/future-fiancé on the other. Sometimes there’s the mutual understanding that the rules change depending on where the child is staying. Either way, civil relations and clear communication are paramount. Do you feel confident that this can happen?

I’ll take for granted that if marriage is in your future, you and your boyfriend will seek premarital counseling from your parish or a place like Catholic Charities. You’re wise to give this some serious thought before jumping in headlong. From what you’ve written however, it sounds to me like the situation holds a lot of promise.

God bless!
 
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I would urge extreme caution in discerning marriage with your boyfriend.

Marriages where one or both parties are bringing children to the union are more complicated, and fail at a much higher rate.

My wife and I have been preparing couples for 16 years, and I do regular marital counseling as well.

Both of you should call the parish and ask to meet with the priest or deacon and enter into some discernment about this possible union.

You mentioned that your boyfriend is a great guy, and he may well be. But a man should attend to his child and focus on that rather than a second romantic relationship. His life will always been entwined with the mother of his child.

Please seek assistance from your clergy rather than Internet advice.

I will pray for you,
Deacon Christopher
 
Diaconia said:
But a man should attend to his child and focus on that rather than a second romantic relationship.
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While I think every marriage should be entered into with caution, it’s a bit unrealistic to expect a man to never have a relationship again because he had an unplanned child with someone he was seeing, especially if the two people who conceived the child were quite young when it happened and the situation was such that the man wasn’t even sure at first if it was his. I totally agree that it complicates the situation, but would you tell a single mother of such a child not to enter into a marriage with a good, responsible and loving man because her first duty was to her child? And because her life would always be entwined with the child’s bio dad?
 
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This case, and others like it, call for pastoral guidance.

As I suggested, BOTH of them should go visit with the priest and discern whether this is best for them. There are too many details that you are not privy to - and, it is not proper to dig into on an Internet forum. They may be young, or may not.
In general, it is far better for a parent to concentrate on raising their child (even co-parenting them) then to seek another mate. When the child is grown there will be plenty of time to seek out romance with another person.
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Are there circumstances when re-marriage with another person when you have minor children is a good idea? Yes, there are, but it is the exception and not the rule.

Pastoral advice, that is, spiritual advice, is best gained by visiting one’s own clergy; rather than getting a myriad of different answers on an Internet forum, listening to those who agree with your own thinking, and dismissing the rest. I am not suggesting the OP is doing this, but many posters often do just that. Confirmation bias is very common in such cases.

Discernment is very important in all sacraments, including matrimony. The best place to find a spiritual guide to help you discern is through your clergy. If God is not calling you to marriage to THIS man, wouldn’t you want to know that? That is at the essence of my advice - this sort of query is best left to the clergy and the parties involved.

So, please, @moonsandstars, make an appointment today for BOTH of you to meet with your priest.

Deacon Christopher
 
Thank you all for your advice. I will of course be seeking advice from our clergy as we are discerning marriage. I came to the internet to seek advice from those who are living in a similar situation. I wanted practical advice on what it is like to be a part of a step-family. Although we are not yet married, we are in an intentional relationship and are pursuing marriage (if it is God’s will for us).

My boyfriend was 23 when the child was born (he is 25 now, I am 26). He was off and on with his relationship with the child’s mother before the child was born, but he broke up with her because she was abusive to him. She was abusive to my boyfriend, but we have no reason to believe that she would be abusive to the child. Additionally, although I’ve never met her, it seems that a relationship could be bridged between my boyfriend and the mother of the child; for the benefit of the child.

Of course I agree that my boyfriend needs to attend to the child, and I would want the child to be his main focus. However, because the mother is not an unfit mother, it is highly unlikely that my boyfriend would ever get more than partial custody. Because of this, I don’t think it would be un-reasonable or un-manageable for him to care for this child and a family. Thus, I am seeking advice from others in a similar situation - I know there will be additional sacrifices involved and I would like to know what they are.

Additionally, my boyfriend and I have been intentionally dating for almost a year. At this point, I do not believe that finding out that the child is his is a reason to break off the relationship. Of course it is necessary to proceed with caution, however I did know that he potentially had a child when we first entered into the relationship. No, this is not an ideal situation. Yes, my boyfriend sinned and is working through the consequence (a child out of wedlock). However, it is not a “deal-breaker” to me, just a reason to proceed with caution. I love children and if God is calling us to marriage, I’m willing and ready to make the necessary sacrifices to raise this child to the best of my abilities. And considering the fact that my boyfriend will never pursue another romantic relationship with the child’s mother… I think it would be a good thing for the child to have another loving adult in its life to teach it about Jesus.
 
I think you are handling it pretty maturely.

it’s refreshing to see someone who isn’t making this all about their own selfish petty drama, which end up causing the children to suffer.

if you have to deal with his ex, then just be friendly and polite, be kind to her, don’t talk about her negatively behind her back, don’t make comparisons between her and you in front the child.

it can be a tricky situation, depending on the ex’s personality, but like you said, it’s not the end of the world
 
moonsandstars said:
how do I now welcome this child into our relationship (the baby has basically been non-existent in our lives until this point).
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The same way as you would welcome your own child that you’ve adopted, with one exception, you’ll treat this child exactly as your own. That one exception being that his father & ex will be the only ones
with decision authority about how he’ll be raised: will the child attend Church, get baptized, which school will the child attend, will TV or Computer be allowed in his bedroom, at what age will he get a phone, will be get an allowance, can he stay the night at a friend’s house, how to handle behavioral problems, etc. Leave all those decisions to bio-Mom & Dad, abide by their decisions and just love your baby for every moment you have him.

I’m a Bio-Mom, an Adoptive Mom, a Step-Mom & a Nonna. My step-children’s Mom passed away, so all those major decisions are my husband’s alone to make - of course, I can & do make comments, suggestions, recommendations, etc., but ultimately those decisions are his to make, many of which were already decided before his first wife passed, but new situations arise. Our youngest, is my Adoptive Daughter who I Adopted through Fostercare before we married, so I had her about 13 months Before her Biological Parents Paternal Rights had been Terminated, so I had a year’s experience of making requests: hair cutting, ear piecing, baptism, etc. to the bio-parents through the Social Workers rather than just doing what came naturally to me. Some requests were honored, some denied, but getting that experience of NOT making those decisions on my own I’m sure made it easier for me to adjust to being a Step-Mom in that regard.

Best of luck to you & your growing family!
 
You should not try to have a relationship with the mother’s baby. She is the mother, and she can find that you try to replace her!

And she will be right, as you take the man, and now said that you want to be a mother to her baby.
Respect her. You are not the mother and should not try to act like it was.
Respect the father decisions in the life of this child. You should not be involved.

You should not be involved in the life of the child until you are married. Many relationships fails, and the children should not be in the middle of all this.
 
moonsandstars said:
As for sacrificing time… this is not a concern as the baby would not be with my boyfriend full time.
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This is the second time you mention this and honest, it turns my stomach upside down. It’s almost as if you are implying the kid gets ‘part-time love’

Also, I think you are ignoring a BIG factor. If you do marry your boyfriend how will this affect your other kids. Do you really want them to see their older sister only every second weekend. Imagine their possible resentment that she has 2 mommies and they don’t !

Also, as another poster mentioned, you will NOT be the mother and won’t have any authority. What if the babies mother lets her do things you don’t want your kids doing? How will you explain that their older sister can do that and they can’t ?

Unless you are willing to accept a life of being second to the mother of the child, I would not marry the man
 
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