Advice and help with a dissolving engagement

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Hello everyone! I just found this forum and thought it might be perfect for me to try and find some answers with an issue I am having.

My major issue is that this past Saturday (March 1st) my fiance of 3 months and girlfriend of 3.5 years decided she couldn’t marry me. This came as complete and utter shock not only to me, but anyone that has known us as a couple. Until this point, we had never had any major fights or arguments and we always talked about everything. We talked about being married and having a family and spending our lives together long before I ever proposed. We have been such a perfect match for each other. We have the same values and interests and I don’t think it would be possible for two people to be more compatible. She never mentioned any thoughts of doubt to me since we’ve been engaged, and to me and most anyone that knows her, her seemingly rash decision to call things off is completely out of character for her.

Now let me explain a little bit about our situation. We began our relationship as friends which slowly progressed into dating and a serious relationship. During the first year of dating, we had a long distance relationship. She moved back to our town to finish graduate school. During the first year of her being back in town, we lived in separate apartments. We decided to live together for the next 14 months and everything was absolutely perfect. She finished her graduate school work last summer and found a job about 4 hours away teaching at a smaller university while I still have to finish my graduate school work this calendar year. The long distance has been a little more difficult this time around, but we have been making it work.

Before she took the job she currently has, we discussed at length our career ambitions. She wanted to pursue teaching at a small university and I wanted to pursue research (we are both chemists). I have a great opportunity for a postdoctoral research position after I graduate, however it will put me about 12 hours away from her. We had talked about this situation extensively and decided that it would be easier for her find a new job where I found mine rather than me finding a job near where her job currently is. At that point, I stopped searching for positions in her area because we had reached a compromise. When she took the job, I do not think that she anticipated that she would enjoy it as much as she does. She is good at it, she’s been told she’s good at it, and she knows she can do big things at this school. Because of this unexpected love for her current position, I believe her feelings on leaving this current job have changed. In addition, her current position is only about 3 hours from the majority of her family, whereas if she moves where I want to go she would be about 12-15 hours away. I think she has second thoughts about being so far away from her family. What I don’t understand is why she didn’t discuss with me her second thoughts about our career decisions.

I wonder too if her lifestyle and new friends she has made at her new job have influenced her thinking. She’s basically on her own down there and all of her friends there are completely single. I wonder if being around and spending time with single people has made her remember her time as an independent and single woman.

In addition to the probable career issues, I think she is scared now that marriage is the next step for us because of her parents’ divorce when she was in undergrad. Her parents got divorced primarily because her dad became depressed for a significant time and despite her best efforts, her mom could not help him get out of his funk. Her mom eventually decided she could not help him so she had to help herself. I believe that my girlfriend/fiance is scared of the same situation happening to us sometime in the future. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I have been rather down lately and expecting her to be the sole source of my happiness. I have made her my whole world, and she does not think she can fulfill me enough. I was foolish and basically ignored the rest of the world since we lived together. Now that she has brought this up to me, I understand the issue and I want to work to resolve our sudden issues.

She also said that she doesn’t know if we can get married now because the “sparks” aren’t there anymore. While I can somewhat understand that being a minor problem, we we’re at some point both understand that losing the “sparks” or “butterflies” is common to most every long-term relationship. To me, that sounds like a convoluted excuse to cover up some of the other issues.

I have been completely devastated by what has happened. This girl is my dream girl, the absolute best match I could ever hope for. I feel she is making a huge mistake by not even trying to talk about issues and problems that have come up. I think she’s scared of marriage and the thought of future problems. This is the first major issue or problem we have encountered in our relationship and I don’t think she’s is or knows how to handle it. She left on Saturday to go to her mother’s house and said she would call me later this week after having a few more days to think about things. I’m am absolutely petrified that she will call and tell me the same thing she did last Saturday. Ultimately I know the ball is in her court now, but I don’t know what I can do for myself. If anybody has any advice, please respond to this. Thank you for reading.
 
I’m really sorry for how much you are hurting right now. This sounds incredibly painful. I think though that the best thing that you can do is give her this space, while maintaining a small amount of contact.

I think you also need to spend this time trying to find out where you are at right now, independent of all of the plans and dreams that you might have made with your fiance. Try to reflect back on who you were before you met her. Is there a part of you from back then that you are missing?

I think instead of asking why and trying to do something to control the future, to try to make it head in the direction that you so want, just loosen your grasp and let go. Work on where you are at right now. Work on graduating and making your postdoc plans. Spend some time working on your own network of friends and professional and educational contacts. Work out, dive into your prayer life, and spend some time at adoration. Some fasting really helps too. Make the best use of the present moment, fulfilling all of your current obligations, and let God take care of your future. I think you know that you can count on him, so just stay close to God and you will be alright.

Praying for you. Let the Holy Spirit guide you at this time.
 
You sound like an amazing person. I too am sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult and painful time.

You view the whole “lack of sparks in a relationship” in a very mature way - it is very true that sparks don’t always fly the same was as they did in the begining of the relationship.

It must be very hard working out a relationship when both people in it are such hard workers in their careers. My dad is a Chemistry professor - so I know how involved the research and studies are and what the lifestyle is like. Interesting that you are both in the same field. I have seen it before actually.

I can’t really offer much advice because I think the way you see the situation and how you wrote about it is very mature and the way you are handling it so far is really well done. I can, however, offer some prayers for you.

Sina
 
I will keep you in my prayers.😦 I too think you sound very mature, and ready for marriage…and perhaps, she just isn’t ready. Also–in your heart of hearts–have you asked her if there is someone else? Not that she is seeing someone else, but it wouldn’t be shocking, given that this seems to be a ‘sudden’ change as you put it, that someone else has caught her attention. I just throw that out there, because it just seems odd that someone who is engaged, would call of the engagement ‘out of the blue’ with nothing else leading up to it. I hope that is not the case–and I hope that things work out for you, but it might not be a bad idea, if she insists on going her separate way–if you ask her that question. Her reaction might reveal a lot more than you know–or it might give you peace of mind. I just think one needs to keep an open mind in situations like this–and make sure that one another is transparent. Better to know, than not know, the truth–I think. Her vague answers just seem like non answers, to me.

You’re in my prayers…hang in there–know that God is watching over you, and her–and He will turn all of our pain into good, if we surrender it to him.
 
I will pray for you, Catholiceagle:( …I sent you a private message on this. Hope things get better.
 
I strongly encourage you to read the book, Love and Responsibility by Archbishop Karol Woitja (later Pope John Paul II).

You will find this book to be extremely helpful in guiding you through these kinds of issues. I would encourage you to finish this book before starting (or resuming) any relationships.

While you are doing that, remember that she is her own person. Difficult as it is, let her go.

This problem that you described is common with those who co-habitate prior to marriage. Another interesting statistic is that 80% of couple who co-habitate before marriage get a divorce within 10 years.
 
CatholicEagle said:
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Hi Catholic Eagle. Welcome to the CA forums.
I’m sorry about your heartache.
You didn’t mention your age, or anything about your faith, and you are posting in a Catholic Answers forum in the Family Life thread, so I will give you some Catholic family type answers.

Have you read “Good News for Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West? He is pretty much the foremost author who talks about Catholic moral teaching on sex and marriage. No matter what happens between you and your gf in the future, reading some of Christopher West’s stuff can really help you get headed in the right direction next time around (either with her or someone else, only God knows.)

I agree with the previous poster who recommended Love and Responsibility. Also, anything by Pope John Paul II about his Theology of the Body.

Most recently I have picked up a copy of The Exclamation: The Wise Choice of a Spouse for Catholic Marriage.

I like what the author says about the decision to become married. Each person is 50% of the decision making. Right now, your 50% says that this girl is the one. She isn’t quite so sure on that.
It’s still possible that she is the one for you, it’s just not the right timing yet. And her feelings are that it’s not going to be at all.
Give it time. Let her go. Start picking up the pieces in your own life and get going on the right foot. She may or may not join you.
 
This is hard for you and I’m sorry. But you are lucky. She came to this conclusion BEFORE you married. It’s so much harder when someone decides after they are married and have children that they prefer a career and freedom. Best you found out now that she is NOT ready for marriage. She needs to iron out her scars from her parent’s marriage before she can make one of her own. She has not really separated from her family of origin in a way that will enable her to fully give her life to you.

And you need to learn to stand on your own so you are the man she can lean on, (or any other woman.) It is very stressful to have to be the ONLY source of strength for another person.

You recognize that now and are fixing that. That is called maturity. She has not caught up with you. She is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Take your newfound knowlege about life and your prayers and figure that this is God telling you this was not the woman for you.

Moving apart let her and you see things that you ignored when you were together. Life is more than liking the same movies and having no fights or issues. That alone is a sign of trouble. How deep did that relationship really go if you never disagreed about anything?

Sounds like there were some areas of dishonesty or “not rocking the boat” going on.

That is not how you build a marriage.

She moved a distance away and 3.5 years mattered so little? Well, wow! Best you found that out now.

Whatever her reasons, be grateful to her she had the honesty and courage to break it off. You don’t need to know her real reasons. You just need to know you were given a great gift. You were given a smooth breakup before you were committed to a marriage and children. You don’t have to go through divorce and annulment petitions.

Don’t wait for her. Get on with your life. She was a steppingstone to the woman who won’t ever leave you. Pray for that woman now. Pray you will recognize her when you see her. Pray you will be the kind of man who won’t live with her without marrying her.
Living with your fiancee didn’t tell you much about her. Living apart… you found out the real her.

Good luck. The pain will stop. You’ll be happy again. And you were spared having to write about your living together and her family life and yours for a tribunal to decide whether either of you were capable of a real marriage.
 
Okay, disclaimer: I am only reading from your post and I don’t know you or her.

That being said, let’s see:

She is easily influenced by others to change her ideals and identity, and she did this very quickly. (Most people don’t go from one extreme to another in less than a year.)

She felt more committed to her career/current job than to marrying you…and she subtly shows that her smaller teaching job (although possibly just as special and fulfilling) is more important than having you as a primary income provider…which also speaks to further issues in marriage regarding distribution of power and if she even wanted to have kids, or to raise kids.

There was cohabitation going on prior to this incident, which can be symptomatic of who knows what, but could indicate insecurity of the relationship, a lack of trust in marriage, using a person for financial means/companionship,etc.

Count yourself lucky that she tired of you and let you know. Many people don’t find out until a couple years after the marriage.
 
3 years ago, I freaked out and broke things off with my best friend/boyfriend. We were engaged, but hadn’t formally announced it. I was facing moving 3500 miles away from my family and everything I knew. What I knew wasn’t all that great, but I was clinging to it. I was terrified that my boyfriend would morph into an abusive man like my father. I was physically ill over this, and wound up in the hospital.

But he was my best friend, and I needed him. He gave me space, and time. We went back to “just friends” and took things slowly. I was able to feel settled and comfortable with my decision - I felt like it was MY decision, and not something I “had” to do.

He re-proposed when he knew I was ready, and would say yes because I wanted to and not because I wanted to please him - when I had made the decision to change my life for him. I have always been a “go along to get along” person, and thought I was ready before I actually was.

We’ve now been married for almost 7 months, and I couldn’t be happier. I know though that if we had gone ahead with the original engagement, it would not have worked. I needed time and space and him, and he loved me enough to just be my friend and there for me until I was ready for more.

I don’t want to give you false hope, but in our case, because we were first and foremost friends (best friends for almost 10 years now), we were able to survive my issues and panic.

Haskilee, I think you are being very harsh. It is very possible that this girl is simply terrified. I agree that it’s better to deal with this before marriage than after, and they should not marry until everything is worked out, but you’re assigning an awful lot of dark, selfish motives to her based on very little. Not all of us are blessed enough to come from stable, healthy homes and to have dispassionate, pragmatic, logical thought processes when it comes to relationships.
 
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and your advice, as different as some of your ideas may be. I think I should tell you a little more detail about myself and her. I am 27, born and raised Catholic. However, for the past 10 years or so I’ve been kind of back-and-forth about my Faith. I was your typical 20 something young guy who thought he had all the answers. I also felt conflicted between science and religion. I never stopped believing, however I did not practice my Faith nor did I turn to it in making my decisions. However, my father passed away at the end of last October and my views on Faith changed. Rather than have that awful event push me away even further from God, it brought me closer. Since then, Faith has become much more important to me. Despite that, I don’t consider myself 100% devoted. I agree with many of the teaching of Catholicism, but there are some things I don’t agree with.

As for her, she is 29 and was brought up Lutheran. She believes, but religion has not been a high priority for her. We were going to get married in a Lutheran church but have it approved by the Catholic church. In fact, as recently as last week we talked about meeting with the Priest at my church about our wedding. That was supposed to happen this week. She even considered possibly converting sometime in the future and wanted our kids to be raised Catholic.

One person replied to my thread saying that the fact that we lived together may have something to do with our issues now. I think I somewhat agree, but for different reasons. I think us living together went too well. We had a glimpse of how great it would be to live together when we were married, but now that we aren’t living together, it has caused problems. Co-habitation is one thing that I don’t really agree with regarding Catholicism. While I don’t think it is absolutely necessary for a couple to live together, I think it may help a person truly learn about their significant other in a most intimate environment. Living with her for the time we did helped me know that she was the one for me. I still believe so and I think she is just freaking out because she’s lost track of what she truly wants in life. I’ve been reading different relationship forums and it seems that her reaction is not uncommon. I can’t just give up all hope that she’ll come to her senses, but I do know I have to worry about me now and rediscover myself and my passions. It will be difficult; I was a different person before I knew her. I had different priorities; I was a typical foolish young man.
 
NoxSineStellae said:
3 years ago, I freaked out and broke things off with my best friend/boyfriend. We were engaged, but hadn’t formally announced it. I was facing moving 3500 miles away from my family and everything I knew. What I knew wasn’t all that great, but I was clinging to it. I was terrified that my boyfriend would morph into an abusive man like my father. I was physically ill over this, and wound up in the hospital.

But he was my best friend, and I needed him. He gave me space, and time. We went back to “just friends” and took things slowly. I was able to feel settled and comfortable with my decision - I felt like it was MY decision, and not something I “had” to do.

He re-proposed when he knew I was ready, and would say yes because I wanted to and not because I wanted to please him - when I had made the decision to change my life for him. I have always been a “go along to get along” person, and thought I was ready before I actually was.

We’ve now been married for almost 7 months, and I couldn’t be happier. I know though that if we had gone ahead with the original engagement, it would not have worked. I needed time and space and him, and he loved me enough to just be my friend and there for me until I was ready for more.

I don’t want to give you false hope, but in our case, because we were first and foremost friends (best friends for almost 10 years now), we were able to survive my issues and panic.

Haskilee, I think you are being very harsh. It is very possible that this girl is simply terrified. I agree that it’s better to deal with this before marriage than after, and they should not marry until everything is worked out, but you’re assigning an awful lot of dark, selfish motives to her based on very little. Not all of us are blessed enough to come from stable, healthy homes and to have dispassionate, pragmatic, logical thought processes when it comes to relationships.
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NoxSineStellae:

Thank you for your story and advice. My story does sound similar to yours. Her and I were best friends before we ever dated.

I have few questions regarding your story. Did your fiance end up moving 3500 miles after you broke off the engagement? If so, were you able to see each other at all? While I know my situation my be different, how long did it take you to figure things out?

I do not think she is being dark and selfish about this, I truly believe she is just scared and terrified to up root her life from her job and her family.
 
Hi there, many, many prayers for you here.

There was an old saying that I would like to share with you.

“If you love something so very much, let it go…
If it comes back to you, it is yours to keep…
If it does not return, it was never yours to begin with…”

While that sounds sad, I recommend the same as everyone else, be patient, pray, and leave it in God’s hand.
 
CatholicEagle said:
NoxSineStellae:

I have few questions regarding your story. Did your fiance end up moving 3500 miles after you broke off the engagement? If so, were you able to see each other at all? While I know my situation my be different, how long did it take you to figure things out?
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Let’s see…we moved from friend to boyfriend/girlfriend in early 2003. Proposed early 2004. I called things off in late summer 2004. Up until this point, he had been spending summers in the US. I was to move to Europe. I’d been twice before I broke it off.

The thing was, on one level, I’d had my heart broken by my lover (we were not sexually active, and were both virgins on our wedding day, but that was how I thought of him - the old school, chaste and chivalrous definition). I felt like I was trapped, and being forced into something I wasn’t ready for, and that there was no escape. At the time, I felt as though he was pressuring me, suffocating me, but I realize now that was just my perception of things, because of my fear of marriage, after watching what my parents had been through. But I needed the part of him that was my best friend to help heal that hurt and to get me through my fear. He was wonderful - there was no pressure at all.

I know that if I had never been ready to restart a relationship, we would still be best friends. He tells me now that he was terrified of losing me…I’d known he was sad, but I didn’t know how scared. He was so patient and so kind.

We rekindled the romantic relationship in the summer of 2005. At this point, I was spending roughly 3 months a year in Europe with him (and “co-habitating” but no hanky panky). But I still wasn’t ready to make the leap. I gave him the go ahead to propose in August 2006, and we were married August 2007.

I’m living across an ocean from my family, friends, everything familiar and dear, and it’s extremely hard; but I’m so settled and sure and firm in my love for him (and vice versa) that I have the strength to find the good in things and enjoy it, and I am not scared any longer.

In our wedding vows, I thanked him for being my rock, and for not giving up on me when I was doing everything I could to push him away. The way he did it was very important too - I think that if he had hit a wrong note I would have felt even more pressured, and never spoken to him again.

He’s the best thing that ever happened to me, my gift from God himself, but I was slow in accepting it. I don’t think I did anything wrong, it’s just who I am, and how I function, for better or for worse.
I do not think she is being dark and selfish about this, I truly believe she is just scared and terrified to up root her life from her job and her family.
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Don’t underestimate this. And don’t claim you understand how she feels. Just support her, and tell her you’ll help her in anyway you can. If you get back together, don’t put a timetable on her homesickness or sense of loss. Just be there for her, as a best friend and husband. She can’t notice the good things about her new place in life until she grieves for the old.
 
We had a glimpse of how great it would be to live together when we were married, but now that we aren’t living together, it has caused problems. Co-habitation is one thing that I don’t really agree with regarding Catholicism.
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Oh, sweetie, you have it so backwards there! This is precisely WHY the Church, in all her Wisdom says it is WRONG to cohabit. And until you ally your mind completely with the mind of your Creator, and operate yourself according to the Manufacturer’s instructions, you will wonder why things break down.

What you were living was a lie when you were together. You were living the body language of FOREVER, but it wasn’t really forever. You were playing house, not building a home and a life together. It was very superficial. And as long as it stayed on that level, it worked for you.

When people live together without marriage vows it tests NOTHING. Because deep down, if it doesn’t work out, they know they can leave. There is no real commitment even though they say they “feel” committed. There is an out clause that is as temporary as the apartment lease.

What you discovered about this girl was that she did not believe you had to marry a man to have sex with him. She was capable of temporary physical alliances. And you have to be close to her for it to work. Because if you let her out of your sight, it all goes to hell in a handcart.

That tests nothing of value. Sharing grocery bills isn’t sharing a future. But once you started talking permanence and vows and religious ceremonies, the facade fell away. She panicked. She broke it off. She was okay with the playacting. She couldn’t handle the real deal. So what did your living together really benefit you? It convinced YOU that SHE was ideal. But it set you up for a fall.

Now you are hurting, and you still don’t agree that God’s way is better. You don’t bond physically and make your life with someone UNTIL they prove they are capable of permanence. That way you have built your home and future on solid rock. Not someone that goes off to school, meets a few people and decides you are history.

You are supposed to find someone you love and they prove they can do “forever” by walking down the aisle. During your dating and courtship and engagement you can find out all kinds of things about them. Their level of self control, their piety, their honesty, their values.

What did you really learn about her living with her for 14 months? No fights… sometimes people DON’T say what they really feel when living together so they don’t rock the perfect little boat. But once she climbed out of the boat, the real issues came out. You say a lot of things that indicate you have no idea what she really thinks. You repeatedly say you think she feels this way, you believe that is why she did what she did. You don’t seem to know for sure.

And all you learned in 14 months living with her about yourself is that she was the center of your universe and the source of all your happiness. That “marriage” for you is living in a cocoon and blocking out the world. Ignorance of your fiancee and total dependence on someone you don’t know as well as you thought you did are not good building blocks for a marriage.

Sometimes distance… even if it’s going home alone at night and thinking about your last visit with a fiancee, allows a little bit of objectivity that you just don’t get when you are living with them and pretending everything is perfect. But they weren’t. Your career paths were not in sync. Your family expectations were not either.

You may think I’m harsh. I don’t mean to be. You are new here and don’t know me well. I went through marriage and divorce and annulment. It was worse than any engagement breakup could ever be. I don’t want that for you. My xh did not follow God’s way. And I didn’t see what that implied for our future together. I thought he was perfect for me. But only because I ignored everything about him that was imperfect. Even the glaringly obvious.

She isn’t ready. You aren’t ready. You can’t control her. But you can fix yourself so you will be ready someday. That includes learning to like your own company and to be happily independent. To fix your own relationship with God so that you follow Him. Only by following HIM will you be able to lead a family in a good direction. And only by following HIS plan for you will you find your life falling into place in a peaceful happy way.

Admit you were wrong and play by the rules the next time. That way you won’t end up with a woman who led you on for 14 months and then changed her plans as soon as she got out from under your roof. And that should have been your first clue. You only had another year to go… why wasn’t she staying around and finding a more local job so as to plan the wedding and be with you?

Living with her for 14 months didn’t tell you the most important thing you needed to know about her… that she needs sparks and bells and whistles to “feel” in love, or the deal is off. She doesn’t know what real love is. That is the kind of spouse who leaves after two years of marriage because the thrill is gone. Wish her well and move on.
She did you a favor. I wish my xh had moved on before we married and had three children.

Good luck!
 
Again, let me say thank you to everyone who has offered their thoughts and advice. I’m thankful a place like this is available to people in need.

I think I have come to some important realizations about the situation with my fiance and with myself. I spoke with her roommate who helped me understand the situation a lot better and inspired me to think more logically about this situation. What the roommate told me is that my fiance says she has lost the “x-factor” for our relationship. She doesn’t know if our marriage is right because she suddenly isn’t feeling the “x-factor”, or the butterflies and sparks that are so prevelant at the beginning of a relationship. The roommate said that my fiance (let’s call her “Jane” from now on) compared our relationship to her’s, which is only 3 months old. The roommate then told me that “Jane” stated to her back in January sometime that after someone gets engaged that they really start to think about their relationship differently. Now, with that said, I believe that “Jane” is going through some common doubts that a lot of engaged women go through. I think she is scared that if there are any doubts now, there will be doubts in the future. Now I’m no relationship expert, but I have tried to research our situation and her response to it. I have learned that it is not uncommon for a newly engaged women to have these thoughts about the loss of sparks, or “x-factor”. My primary source of this realization is found here:

elegala.com/go/ideas_advice/for/getting_engaged_the_internal_struggle_many_women_face_during_engagement/

Now I am realistic and understand that it is very rare for a long-term relationship to maintain the “x-factor”. A marriage isn’t just about butterflies, sparks, or x-factors. It isn’t just about candle light dinners or romantic weekends. It is about a life partnership, about sharing yourself completely with someone. Its about being compatible and in love, but also understanding that things will not always be perfect. Marriages, and also relationships, take work. As I said before, this is the only bad situation we have encountered. For some reason, she has lost track of what a marriage truly is. She is uncertain and scared right now, and I understand that. If she is the girl I know and love, at some point she will realize she is being foolish, but if not, then I guess she isn’t the girl I thought she was and it wasn’t meant to be.

I think I have an understanding of why she has lost this so-called “x-factor”. I believe the problem is that we went from living together to living four hours apart. Things were so perfect when we were together, perhaps a glimpse of how it might be when we would be married. I think that after she had to move we both foolishly expected things to remain as perfect as they had been. When she hasn’t been here with me, I’ve been sad and lonely. This even affected my attitude even when I was visiting with her as in the back of my mind I knew we’d have to go our separate ways for another week before I could see her again. Even though I was happy to be spending more time with her, I wasn’t able to truly express it. I think the same thing had happened to her towards me, but we were unable to realize it. We did not adapt our expectations for our relationship despite a difficult and significant change in our situation.

I have also realized that since we lived together, I have lost a lot of who I am. Even though she enjoys many of the same interests that I do, its not the same as pursuing them yourself or with your buddies. I forgot how to enjoy life and my interests without her. I’ve lost who I was and became only about us. I think something similar happened with her, but she realized it long before I did and actually did something about it. This probably led to some underlying resentment, both from me towards her for being just fine doing her own thing, and her towards me for me not even trying to do things for myself. I do believe that if anything is to happen in the future between us, I need to rediscover my individuality. If I can’t be there for myself, how can I be there for her?

So what I am going to do now is try to rediscover myself. I’m going to hang out with friends I lost contact with, I’m going to work hard to finish my Ph.D., I’m going to continue to pursue my faith, but I also will keep small hope that “Jane” will come out of her freaked-out-engaged woman phase. She knows deep down that we can have something very, very special and that we are right for each other. A loss of x-factor right now doesn’t mean it will be gone forever. She still loves me and knows I am good to her and for her. But while she does her thing and hopefully realizes all of this, I am going to rediscover myself. If “Jane” does come to her senses, then I will be very, very happy. But if she does not, then I will be able to handle that because I will have rediscovered me and what makes me happy.

The bottom line with this whole situation is that we are in fact very right for each other, just not right now. She knows this deep down, as do I. If its meant to be, its meant to be. This might be God’s way of testing us and helping us truly figure out if we are right together and if it is in fact meant to be. Things happen for a reason, I truly believe that. I hope that I truly am beginning to understand this situation.
 
Hi CE;

I’m glad that you seem to be in a better place. Just know that nothing is perfect. You have said a few times in this thread…‘how perfect living together was.’ Nothing is really…perfect.:o You know? Perhaps, when things fall short of that ‘perfection,’ she couldn’t see that that is all part of the deal, too. Marriage is not about perfection that’s for sure! Frankly, and I don’t mean to sound harsh–but God doesn’t view living together before marriage, as perfection, either. I think that NOT living together–should you get back together–would be your best bet. Living together is not the answer for a healthy and long lasting marriage–it’s not God’s way. Just remember to always follow God before anything or anyone else, and all things will work out. Seek ye first the kingdom of God…🙂

God bless, and keep us posted–I will keep you both in my prayers.
 
I think you are really understanding this, and I am glad to hear that you are going to go out and rediscover yourself, connect with others, and go about what you need to be going about right now. What you just wrote tells me something, that you understand what true love really is…it is sacrificial and it is an act of will…it is so much more than just a good feeling, sparks, or “x-factor”. And it is real sacrificial love that is needed for marriage. Marriage could not be a sacrament if it was just based on what felt good.

Praying for you that this space will give your fiance the chance to understand this…or that you will have the strength to move on with out her if that is what is needed.
 
catholiceducation.org/articles/parenting/pa0111.html

Please read this very carefully and think about it. You seem to be blaming distance for ruining “perfection.” Poor distance. It gets blamed for so many things. Sometimes it’s like a scalpel that cuts away things that distract us from the truth.

Do you know many couples have to endure separations for many months due to work or military? And do you know they don’t grow apart? Their love survives and prospers. Why was your experience different? Do you mean to say your love can only survive if you are right there with each other reminding each other of how perfect it all is? That isn’t real love. That is living in a delusion.

What distance showed you both is that when you are both under stress you behave in counterproductive ways. And then you both end up estranged. Did you know that such ways of handling stress can ruin a couple that lives in the same house? Stress comes along in many ways… sickness, joblessness, children, work, deaths… If her response is to run and yours is to retreat into depression, that is a recipe for disaster.

There was something missing in your relationship if it was built on “shacking up” and sin. That’s God. And without God nothing will work in the long run.

You seem to be a very intelligent and thoughtful guy. You have set up the perfect plan for yourself. You will grow in strength and that will be good for you and your future wife, whoever she is.

Good luck! 👍
 
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