Advice for a new marriage

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CompSciGuy

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Hello all,

I am getting married tomorrow to a very good woman. As it happens, tomorrow, November 21, happens to be the anniversary of our first date. We didn’t plan that, it just happened that way. But that doesn’t really relate to this post, just an interesting fact.

We are both faithful Catholics who put Christ at the center of our relationship and make faith the most important part of our lives. We are faithful to Church teaching and have been practicing to use NFP for family planning. We have been through marriage programs through the Church where we have met and learned from very wise people who have healthy, faith-centered marriages and a lot of guidance and discipleship to offer. I have come to trust my fiance very deeply; I know that she truly loves and respects me and that she will always cooperate with me to make our marriage strong. I know that she is always just as eager as I am to resolve conflicts and to support one another. I know that she will lovingly cooperate with me in the raising of children. I intend to do all of the same for her.

The reason I am posting this here is that I value wisdom and advice, especially from married people in the Church. I know that it is not the same as meeting with people in person that I know well, but I believe there are a lot of wise people on this forum and woudl value their (name removed by moderator)ut on how you build a healthy marriage, what kind of things to expect, and especially information on raising children Catholic. Personally I have anxiety about raising kids and having them grow up and leave the Church. I know that sometimes that happens and it seems inevitable sometimes but for me I have a hard time when I think about what approach to take; I have heard that if you are too stern with them then you will drive them away, but I also can’t be so passive as to just leave them to their own devices. I also wonder about protecting them from things like drugs, sex, and pornography. How restrictive is too restrictive? Etc.

I just like to hear people’s experiences (as far as they are comfortable sharing them) and learn from others.
 
:DWhoa there - I’d be thinking about having a wonderful new marriage experience and NOT about raising teenage children twenty years down the line. Are you a very young person about to marry? I’m praying that your wedding is joyful and that you two grow together in love and grace.
 
Congrats on your impending nuptials! 👍 That’s great!

Yeah, I would second the advice to focus on your wedding for the moment. 😉 But I know how it is to want to think ahead about these things. My kids are still young right now (7 and 5), so I cannot speak first-hand to raising adult children who stay with the faith. But I would say that living out your faith day-to-day and loving your wife are two of the big things. If you (the father) take your faith seriously and provide a good example of a loving Catholic husband, the odds of your children staying Catholic increase dramatically.

I understand the worry over the issue. I try not to think about it too much. :o I think praying together every day and talking about faith topics helps a lot. This year, my daughter (at age 7) decided on her own that she wanted to read from the Bible for her bed time story. So something is sticking. 😛

Never cease to call upon the graces that belong to you and your soon-to-be-bride in lieu of the Sacrament you are about to receive. There are graces that come with it. Under the Old Covenant, divorce was tolerated because marriage can be quite hard. But the grace of Christ changes that because it makes possible what would otherwise be very difficult. So never forget to pray for an unleashing of those marital graces, particularly when undergoing the “in sickness”, “for poorer”, and “for worse” moments that will come (and they will come).

If you look back to Adam and Eve, one of the key moments in the Original Sin was the fact that Adam did not stick his neck out for his bride. The serpent came into the garden and approached Eve and Adam was silent. And we all know how that turned out. So as men, I think we need to strive to take on that serpent (with the strength of Christ) and not allow him to slither his way into our marriages.

These are just a few random thoughts. It sounds like you and your fiancé are approaching things in just the right way. Keep it up!
 
Congratulations, my friend. My wish for you and your bride is that you have a long and happy life together. You’ll be surprised at how time flies…Barb and I have been married for almost 37 years, and I thank God every day for such a wonderful blessing.

One suggestion for the future…I know you’ll be active in your parish…as soon as your youngsters are old enough, take them with you when you volunteer at the food bank or the soup kitchen…let them experience the joy that comes with living their faith, and they’ll be hooked for life.

Again, congratulations…you and your bride are in my prayers.
 
CompSciGuy said:
Hello all,

I am getting married tomorrow to a very good woman. As it happens, tomorrow, November 21, happens to be the anniversary of our first date. We didn’t plan that, it just happened that way. But that doesn’t really relate to this post, just an interesting fact.

We are both faithful Catholics who put Christ at the center of our relationship and make faith the most important part of our lives. We are faithful to Church teaching and have been practicing to use NFP for family planning. We have been through marriage programs through the Church where we have met and learned from very wise people who have healthy, faith-centered marriages and a lot of guidance and discipleship to offer. I have come to trust my fiance very deeply; I know that she truly loves and respects me and that she will always cooperate with me to make our marriage strong. I know that she is always just as eager as I am to resolve conflicts and to support one another. I know that she will lovingly cooperate with me in the raising of children. I intend to do all of the same for her.

The reason I am posting this here is that I value wisdom and advice, especially from married people in the Church. I know that it is not the same as meeting with people in person that I know well, but I believe there are a lot of wise people on this forum and woudl value their (name removed by moderator)ut on how you build a healthy marriage, what kind of things to expect, and especially information on raising children Catholic. Personally I have anxiety about raising kids and having them grow up and leave the Church. I know that sometimes that happens and it seems inevitable sometimes but for me I have a hard time when I think about what approach to take; I have heard that if you are too stern with them then you will drive them away, but I also can’t be so passive as to just leave them to their own devices. I also wonder about protecting them from things like drugs, sex, and pornography. How restrictive is too restrictive? Etc.

I just like to hear people’s experiences (as far as they are comfortable sharing them) and learn from others.
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The good news is that’s really not an issue with babies and little kids. When you see people post about children turning atheistic or rebellious, it’s almost always 13±year-old kids. So you have a good 15 years ahead of you where that will be the last thing on your mind.

If and when that comes, it will come. In the meantime, you can give them a loving home, a strong intellectual grounding in their faith (the tween years are a good time to start with apologetics), and introduce information about the tough questions at an appropriate pace for their maturity, interest, and the level of independence that they have at home and outside.

That’s not really much of an answer, but it really has to be played by ear.
 
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

What a blessing for you especially right around the Thanksgiving season. Certainly a faithful partner is something to be eternally thankful for. I applaud you in your efforts to keep Christ at the center of your marriage, and also to raise your children in the faith. I am recently married (this past July) so others can certainly offer more advice. But I will say this: If you keep Christ at the center of your life (seek Him with all your heart, keep a steady prayer life, focus on Him amidst all the other distractions of the world, seek His forgiveness consistently in Confession) that will certainly be the best way to love your wife. Marriage can be humbling, it can be frustrating, it can be a lot of things, but remember it is your job to get your wife to Heaven.

As far as advice on your concerns with children, when the time comes, Christ will guide you. He will give us the wisdom on how to raise your children. Remember, He wants to give you ALL the deepest desires of your heart, and you have to believe that your marriage tomorrow is part of His plan. He wants to keep blessing you and keep giving you your heart’s desire. May you cherish that gift of faith, may you cherish the blessing you will receive at the altar tomorrow. God bless you and you will be in my prayers tomorrow. My biggest piece of advice for tomorrow is just to enjoy the day…it may be impossible to talk to all your friends and family so above all enjoy the time with your wife and make sure to eat a big meal.
 
Compromise. Give a bit. Then give more. Only insist on those things so important to you that you want your spouse to lose.

Say loving words daily. Do appreciative acts. Stay positive. And live each day like it was your last.

And enjoy every minute of the wedding.
 
Don’t sweat the small stuff… and more than you think really is small stuff.

Don’t be ashamed to seek counseling if you need it.

Appreciate your spouse and show it in whatever way she needs. (love languages)
 
Congratulations!!! Your tidbit about about Nov 21 made me smile 🙂 I can tell you treasure your relationship with your soon to be wife! 🙂

Here are a few little comments I can share with you:
  1. Marriage isn’t 50%- 50%, it is 110% -110%. Don’t try to measure your generosity and efforts in contrast with that of your spouse. It is difficult and frustrating to get exactly 50/50 anyway. Instead give yourself completely. It is such a beautiful thing when each spouse puts the other ahead of themselves and things work out so much better that way as well!
  2. Be generous with God in accepting His blessings. Do not be afraid of children, do not let society mislead you. Fertility is a gift, one that not everyone has, but if you are given that gift, be generous and make sure you seek His will and not put your comfort above it.
  3. Regarding your worries about children as they grow… don’t worry about too strict/too lax… just live your faith and teach your children to do so as well. Set a good example. Show them love in how you treat your spouse, them, and others. Show them hard work in your professional and family life. Teach them to love God, speak to them about Him, teach them about our Faith. They cannot make good choices in life if they do not learn what is good! Even if later in life they do make a wrong choice (we are all sinners, we have all made wrong choices) they will have the tools you have given them to be able to know how to seek and live the Truth if the will to do so. Giving your children knowledge of the Truth is a beautiful and powerful gift. Pray for them even before they are born, or even conceived! You and your spouse can pray for any children that God may will to bless you with. Prayers are always a valuable tool against sin.
  4. Last but not least… Enjoy!!! Enjoy the lovely life you are starting with your new wife, and the beautiful vocation God has given you as a husband. Work hard on growing closer to God and bringing your wife closer to God with you. A strong marriage will help you be a better father when/if the time comes! Seek God’s will for you, and enjoy wherever it may take you.
 
My advice - don’t worry about things so far off.

“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)

Enjoy your wedding day and the months ahead. God willing, children will come soon enough, and they’ll grow and need good parenting, and you can worry about all this then.
 
My advice - do what you can and then leave the rest in God’s hands.

No matter how much you know, think, plan or prepare - things will never, ever be truly in your control - esp. with children. 😃 However, we can be at peace knowing that everything is under God’s control.

So if you can accept up front that no matter what you do, you cannot control the outcome - only influence it - life will be much easier than it is for those who stress because it didn’t go the way they planned.
 
My advice: love, always love and you will do everything fine.

Have a wonderful wedding! 🙂
 
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