Advice for a single catholic on dating and relationships

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I am seeking advice from catholics especially those who have the experience of marriage. Please tell me what qualities you consider important with hindsight, in a man, what things to watch out for, which ones to overlook, which ones are so important that if you find, you should be able to overlook other smaller things. I am asking for those things that you know in hindsight, things you think you should have known when younger or single, but they did not seem so important to you then. In short, now that you have had real experience in marriage, which is what I want and pray for myself, what are those pearls of wisdom you would share with a single woman looking to get into a marriage? bear in mind that I am 30 years old, unattached, a believing catholic…but far from perfect, with many personal faults. What are the best things to do or the best ways to prepare myself spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, maybe even socially or physically in the meanwhile? Thank you.
 
I think the more important thing is to know yourself, your must-have and deal-breakers and have the courage to stick to them.

I can highly recommend two books by Dr. Neil Clark Warren:

Date or Soul Mate?
Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons

These are exactly the things you are looking for.

My list and your list are not the same list, my life is not your life. These books will help you focus and reflect on what is important for your life.
 
I’m only a teenager, but I highly recommend, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris. I know many people consider the views in the book to be too radical, but I liked it. 🙂 Also, read, “I I Loved a Girl: A Private Correspondence” by Walter Trobisch. It was good too! I hope this helps! I’ll be praying for you!
 
1ke said:
I think the more important thing is to know yourself, your must-have and deal-breakers and have the courage to stick to them.
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ITA with this. It was the best advice I got before I ever started seriously considering marriage.
 
It never hurts to bolster your faith. That is the best foundation because when you understand better how the Lord loves you, I think a young lady is less likely to settle for a man that won’t reflect God’s love.

From a married perspective, trusting in God’s timing and God’s plan is the best way. I had many dates that I wanted to contort into marriage-material, but when God’s choice came around, there was no doubt how wrong I was about all the others.

Character advice for you: Watch the jealousy. He will have a past. Be a loved daughter of God, not a clingy, insecure co-dependent girl. Be sure you have enough interests to be interesting to someone else. Strong friendships are important. Don’t shy from friendships with married people - you can learn alot from them.

What to seek in him: Maturity, Similar desires for family, Willing to make room for you in his life (cut back on the sports, bachelor stuff), and the age-old advice of looking at his relationship with his mother…but also with his siblings and father. If he has decades-old friends that you like, it’s a hint that he has loyalty and makes good investments of his energies. He should share things about himself, share similar perspective on love, God, sin, and so on.

God bless and remember that these hard and lonely days will one day seem to vanish in a blip. Spend them in such a way that you might look back on them and realize they were not wasted “searching for a husband” but GROWING.
 
Unmarried guy here. Looking back I think women in particular waste time micromanaging collateral relationship issues that are really symptomatic of fundamental problems. Rather than dive in with a set rubric, my advice is that you sort out the things you need so you don’t make the same error.
 
KDamgirl said:
I am seeking advice from catholics especially those who have the experience of marriage. Please tell me what qualities you consider important with hindsight, in a man, what things to watch out for, which ones to overlook, which ones are so important that if you find, you should be able to overlook other smaller things. I am asking for those things that you know in hindsight, things you think you should have known when younger or single, but they did not seem so important to you then. In short, now that you have had real experience in marriage, which is what I want and pray for myself, what are those pearls of wisdom you would share with a single woman looking to get into a marriage? bear in mind that I am 30 years old, unattached, a believing catholic…but far from perfect, with many personal faults. What are the best things to do or the best ways to prepare myself spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, maybe even socially or physically in the meanwhile? Thank you.
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Well, from a practical life point of view, it could make sense to sit down and think what kind of men you like, what kind of men you tend to end up falling for or having relationships with in reality. Do you have the perseverance and the courage to wait for a man like you’d really like to share your life with or do you end up being distracted by attractions you later regret? Are you pressured into relationships (or dates) you don’t really want or have you learnt to avoid or end those quickly? What kind of qualities are necessary in a man for you and which ones are merely nice to have but not worth sacrificing anything major for? And so on and so forth.

Being attracted to the wrong men, if applicable, is not a hopeless case. Some people will say it’s beyond one’s control what people one’s attracted to, but that’s only true to some extent. Attraction does reflect people’s values and conscious choices to some extent, and I think it’s possible to readjust one’s picker.

As for preparing yourself, I suppose it doesn’t hurt to have your job, house, finances etc. in order (although they aren’t the most important thing), and if you want to read ahead a bit or learn some people skills, then 1) handling children and 2) conversations, compromising, generally working in tandem with a single other person comes to mind.

As for what kind of men would be good for you, that’s more subjective. It’s easier to say whom to avoid. So avoid allowing your attraction to someone or your fear of loneliness to deprive you of the ability to think and act rationally and get you to the point of tying the knot with a wife beater, control freak, or another child rather than a co-parent, or someone who can’t remain faithful to one woman or control his spending. Don’t take risks with men who excite you in the short term but don’t have the qualities you want in the long term. (It’s not impossible but certainly not guaranteed that the charm and comfort will survive long enough to offset the problems.)

I’d say it should be easier with someone who’s on the same page with you regarding religion and certain other core values, definitely life issues and contraception vs NFP. Easier with someone who believes the same than with someone who merely accepts your beliefs and agrees to live by them.

Also, don’t rush it (know your reactions so that you can tell a passing infatuation from something more substantial), get second and third opinions (and basically outside opinions, such as from family and friends of both sexes). And don’t let others pressure you. This said, avoid developing a hesitant, contrarian or avoidant streak (or giving in to unreasonable fears, runaway bride style). Just simply don’t give in to pressure or control.
 
KDamgirl said:
I am seeking advice from catholics especially those who have the experience of marriage. Please tell me what qualities you consider important with hindsight, in a man, what things to watch out for, which ones to overlook, which ones are so important that if you find, you should be able to overlook other smaller things. I am asking for those things that you know in hindsight, things you think you should have known when younger or single, but they did not seem so important to you then. In short, now that you have had real experience in marriage, which is what I want and pray for myself, what are those pearls of wisdom you would share with a single woman looking to get into a marriage? bear in mind that I am 30 years old, unattached, a believing catholic…but far from perfect, with many personal faults. What are the best things to do or the best ways to prepare myself spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, maybe even socially or physically in the meanwhile? Thank you.
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Don’t compromise on your faith or morals. Marriage is worth waiting for. date someone that has the same commitment to the practice of your faith as you. Final thought, marry someone you can genuinely admire.
 
Bezant said:
Unmarried guy here. Looking back I think women in particular waste time micromanaging collateral relationship issues that are really symptomatic of fundamental problems. Rather than dive in with a set rubric, my advice is that you sort out the things you need so you don’t make the same error.
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most of the advise given applies to single men and women.
 
Also, with men you need to be accessible. Despite not quite being an extrovert, I’ve chatted up strangers in all sorts of places. But I can’t start a conversation with someone who’s always on the mobile phone or always chatting with a group of other girls. I probably could start a conversation with someone who isolates herself with a cigarette far away from everybody, but one or two meh replies will probably make me go away (which is probably more of a problem in a jurisdiction that takes stalking and privacy too seriously and women are quick to dial 112). In short, you don’t need to be in your perfect mood or shape or look or whatever, just avoid unnecessarily blocking yourself off or driving men away. If he starts to talk to you… then he apparently wants to talk to you, so you don’t need to worry about that. Plus, someone in your age group has probably learnt by now that women aren’t born with make-up on and can have a bad hair day. So don’t worry about such things.

Also, defeat the urge to say ‘no’ or deliver the LJBF (‘Let’s Just Be Friends’) as your default reaction when a man pops out of the blue without previous planning or preparation on your part, which is some women’s problem. Instead of blurting out a rejection – or agreeing too hastily and regretting it later – just simply tell him a decision like that is going to take some time, preferably with a cooller head. You can smile while saying that, doesn’t need to sound like ‘Court’s adjourned. All rise!’ 😉 If he’s nervous about that, just tell him you don’t want to make a decision either or both of you could regret. Avoid thinking you’re not good enough for a guy showing interest to you or that he’s too good for you or whatever other excuse the scared brain invents to stay passive and avoidant while taking advantage of a fragile self-esteem. 😉 Chances are the man’s nervous like heck as well and it’s costing him some.

Plus, I’d favour walks in public parks over more mood-generating avenues such as dancing clubs, cute dimlit cafeterias, romantic old towns and such like. This is to avoid letting your mind play tricks on you, especially when you’re tired, cold/ill or haven’t slept much or some alcohol is involved. Atmosphere, dim lights, specific music, low hums, voices speaking on a breath, picturesque sunsets etc., tend to work like intoxicating substances. So it can be somewhat like having one drink too many. You probably aren’t going to decide on a relationship at such a fast pace, so don’t allow atmosphere to build up either. Also for the guy’s sake.

Finally, if you can track some insecurities to events in your past, e.g. childhood, for example things like alcoholic relatives or turbulent first relationships or nasty teachers or some of those mild stress/anxiety disorders not few people have, deal with them now better than later. Solving them may also change your taste in men significantly (meaning you won’t like the same guys as much).
 
At your age you have probably had a lot of relationships, look back on the ones that you have enjoyed and consider the ones that have not been great. Consider what made them successful relationship or what caused you problems. The starting point of any successful marriage is to be in a relationship that you enjoy with someone who is your friend and that you trust. If you don’t you will spend many years unhappy. From my pint of view, married for 41 years to a non-Catholic, I would urge you to think very hard before you date someone who does not share your faith and support what you want to practice. That is no to to say that your marriage can not be a success if you marry a non-Catholic. Marrying someone who “calls” themselves Catholic but really is not could be a real mistake, but, I will admit that over the years the only thing I have wanted for is my spouse with me in a church sharing my faith. Praying to God to guide you to the perfect mate and I hope others will too.
 
Thank you all for so much wisdom.

No, unfortunately, I have had very little experience with relationships even at my age. My introversion and struggles with depression earlier plus a conglomeration of lots of other life problems have generally kept me from dating. I am not ugly, but I think I used to send a vibe before…because very few men used to ask me out. Nowadays, in a new city, school, seems many men are expressive about liking me, even total strangers…I think something about me has changed but I can’t tell what. I am yet to meet one I would really like to date but I am very open to meeting people anywhere, in terms of my mind-set.

Yes, I am the type who falls for men I then regret liking in hindsight. Basically, it’s unavailable men or men whose situation almost makes it impossible. One was of a different religion and I did things out of shyness that totally turned him off. The other I had met on an online forum like this one after praying to meet a spouse. He calls himself christian but always want to engage in “sexting”, and other dirty talk. once he did it with another woman knowing I would read it when we hit a rough patch. That’s why I am now trying to do things more deliberately or consciously.

Thank you for the two book suggestions. I am looking for them in ebook format so as to download them to my tablet. Thank you for prayers. I have been praying for wisdom from the Holy spirit so as to be guided and I just felt like talking to other Catholics about it would be a good thing. God bless you.
 
Hey try looking into Jason and Crystalina Evert on Youtube. They have books too. They speak to teens, but their advice is great for all ages. Pray to the Holy Spirit to help you to know what kind of a man you want to marry. Crystalina Evert says that women should prayerfully write a list of qualities they want in their future husband and never settle for less. And don’t worry about your list being too long, I believe hers was over 60 qualities and now she is happily married with her own family. She also has a list of totally unacceptable qualities that should never be overlooked due to other good qualities.

I hope this helps!

God bless!
 
KDamgirl said:
I am seeking advice from catholics especially those who have the experience of marriage. Please tell me what qualities you consider important with hindsight, in a man, what things to watch out for, which ones to overlook, which ones are so important that if you find, you should be able to overlook other smaller things. I am asking for those things that you know in hindsight, things you think you should have known when younger or single, but they did not seem so important to you then. In short, now that you have had real experience in marriage, which is what I want and pray for myself, what are those pearls of wisdom you would share with a single woman looking to get into a marriage? bear in mind that I am 30 years old, unattached, a believing catholic…but far from perfect, with many personal faults. What are the best things to do or the best ways to prepare myself spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, maybe even socially or physically in the meanwhile? Thank you.
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Many of the above suggestions are excellent. Having been married for over three decades, I would add an important one I wish I had considered more in depth before engagement. Before getting truly serious or considering marriage with a man, find out (in casual conversation, if possible) how he feels about pornography usage, strip lounges, reading magazines such as Playboy and Hustler, etc. - and, if possible, the kind of friends he has and their thoughts/involvement in those areas. Also, does he exchange nude photos of women with friends by email and think it’s all very “normal?” Does he stare at other women in public as they walk by? If any of these actions occur, they will usually only increase drastically after marriage, and it can have a devastating effect on your relationship with him - and your entire family as well. I would advise that you run, don’t walk, if you see those red flags, and save yourself pain years from now.
Don’t sacrifice your religious morals for any man, no matter what. If you keep our Lord first in your life, all else good will follow, no matter what. May God bless you on the journey. Enjoy the fun of dating for the interesting and exciting time it can be - for getting to know yourself and potential mates better!
 
KDamgirl, the transformation you talk about is perhaps you getting some more confidence and leaving behind some erratic or compulsive or ‘nerdy’ behaviour. Changes like that happen to people.

Regarding the unavailable guys, it may be an erratic coping mechanism trying to avoid blame for a relationship not working out or avoid the scary decisions to make and things to learn when a relationship does work out. So the mind may be pulling tricks on you and setting you up with guys with whom it won’t work out. I’d try and see if a qualified counsellor could help you unlearn that. And also make sure you don’t end up inventing excuses to skip the good ones, like some people do. Perhaps for the same reason they’re drawn to the bad ones (or unavailable).

You’re not unworthy of someone who actually is available, but you need to face the responsibilities that come with being available and with a relationship actually working. Ultimately it’s about you and some man eventually living out a marriage over several dozens of years, having children and grandchildren, running a house, just living. (As opposed to just focusing on the dating when the dating is the hardest challenge for some people. The day-to-day relationship is another challenge, and then the wedding is only the beginning of a new path, not a final point.)

Personally, I tried thinking what kind of woman I really appreciated and would like to be sharing a life with, as opposed to worrying about how to share one with whomever I ended up ‘deterministically’ attracted to. Basically sticking to your original desires. Perhaps this would work for you too.
 
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