Advice for a young struggling Catholic?

[Serafina17]

I need some advice, from any older, wiser Catholic, or just anyone with a better connection with God. I hope to see a priest about it, but thought I’d try here too.

I’ve grown up in a good Catholic home, got a good Catholic education, am interested in reading the works of different saints/theologians and such, and through it all, the theme of ‘finding God’s will for your life/being open to God’s will’ has been very prominent. And to be open to God’s will you have to have a good prayer life/listen to God/don’t let your plans overtake ones He might have for you. But now, as a college-age Catholic, I think this whole good Catholic mindset of being open to God’s will might be driving me crazy. I look for God’s will in every little thing, and these things pile up, contradict each other. I see ‘green lights’, and ‘red lights’ everywhere, and then realize they’re probably not even real. I am hardly ever at peace. I don’t know how to pray… people say ‘just stop talking, and listen to Him’, but I find this, quite frankly, impossible.
I’m seeing the turmoil more clearly in the past year or so, trying to figure out college, and more especially a relationship. There’s a young man (good Catholic) who very much wants to marry me, but I am constantly conflicted with doubts about it (which he knows). I’ve always chose to assume that these doubts mean the relationship isn’t right, and that I should probably get out of it. But then they subside, and then I’m at peace with him for a little while (day or two, maybe), and then it starts up again. ("What if I don’t really love him; what if I’m forcing an attraction here; what if God’s trying to show me through these doubts that it’s not right for us, etc. etc. etc. ) It causes a great deal of anxiety for me, and a good deal of frustration for him. He doesn’t see these thoughts as rational, and thinks that I pride myself on being super-logical, having to see all the possibilities in every option before making a step in any direction. This may be true, but it’s also what I find necessary for ‘intellectual honesty’. I see so many couples blinded by their love, and am determined not to be like that. But me ‘guarding my heart’ has turned into a massive wall/moat that I don’t know what to do with.
So it seems that all my efforts to live all I was taught on the topic of finding God’s will and guarding my heart have really backfired, with the now prevalent feeling that God doesn’t really care what I do, that He doesn’t really have a plan for my life, and that He couldn’t care less whether I exist or not.

Thoughts, pretty please?

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I don’t know if this is advice or not, but I think you could use a retreat. Where you go to college, it there a Newman Center? When I was college age, I was involved in groups where we did ministry and prayed together. I think what you could really use is a solid community of like-minded, like-aged folks who are Catholic and you can all be confused about your place in the Universe together.

This might not make sense to you, but I get a warm feeling in my heart thinking about the days long past when I had a ***community ***to share with. All this dating drama you’re experiencing–just let it go for now. If it’s confusing you this much it probably isn’t right.

Does this help? I’m sorry if it doesn’t.

 

[L_days]

• " after my seed and the seed of my brethren shall have dwindled in unbelief, and shall have been smitten by the gentiles; yea, after the lord god shall have camped against them round about, and shall have laid siege against them with a mount, and raised forts against them; and after they shall have been brought down low in the dust, even that they are not, yet the words of the righteous shall be written, and the prayers of the faithfull shall be heard, and all those who have dwindled in unbelief shall not be forgotten". pray in minty pray, and the lord will answer you. but make sure the one is the one you want to spend eternaty with!

 

[Serafina17]

I actually am not continuing at the college I was at…going to do something online instead. However, in my home here I have a great Catholic community of peers. I had been pretty close to them, but lately I’ve been really withdrawing-just don’t have the energy anymore to put effort into social events. I used to really enjoy getting together with them and having good ‘Catholic’ discussions, but now I kind of just sit back and watch. My boyfriend is the only one who really knows me any more, and it’s enough of an effort to even stay close to him, let alone everyone else.

 

[bsroufek]

I just finished watching a show on EWTN with Father Tim Gallagher. His order, the Oblates of the Virgin Mary, are DEDICATED to helping people learn how to discern the will of God according to the methods explained by St. Ignatius Loyola.

He briefly described the three main ways God gives us to discern His will. His book is dedicated to this subject.

I actually knew a young woman in college, a devoted Christian, who seemed to be tormented by the idea of not knowing God’s will in her life. It seemed kind of scrupulous to me at the time, but now I think that such people should study St. Ignatius’ very clear methods.

Best wishes, Sister. I’m sure this will help.

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I actually am not continuing at the college I was at…going to do something online instead. However, in my home here I have a great Catholic community of peers. I had been pretty close to them, but lately I’ve been really withdrawing-just don’t have the energy anymore to put effort into social events. I used to really enjoy getting together with them and having good ‘Catholic’ discussions, but now I kind of just sit back and watch. My boyfriend is the only one who really knows me any more, and it’s enough of an effort to even stay close to him, let alone everyone else.

It actually depresses me that so many are forsaking the traditional college experience in favor of on-line courses. I used to teach college English and was pretty vocal against an all on-line curriculum, because leaving your house and getting out into the community is a very healthy thing, and discussing your studies in groups of your peers is just as important of a piece of your education as classes are. I’m not trying to influence your or anything, but that’s my bias.

I will pray for you. You say “in my home here…” Do you mean your family? At your age you should be engaging in a little bit of self individuation, which doesn’t mean abandoning your family, but just opening up your social circle a little bit more and finding out more about who you are. If you think your boyfriend is the only one who really knows you, then (strictly my opinion) I’d suggest joining some group at Church or maybe your community college where you can get a little more interpersonal (name removed by moderator)ut than what seems like a small group of confidants.

Again, just my insight. It’s very likely that I’m way off base. Good luck to you.

 

[OneSheep]

I’ve grown up in a good Catholic home, got a good Catholic education, am interested in reading the works of different saints/theologians and such, and through it all, the theme of ‘finding God’s will for your life/being open to God’s will’ has been very prominent. And to be open to God’s will you have to have a good prayer life/listen to God/don’t let your plans overtake ones He might have for you. But now, as a college-age Catholic, I think this whole good Catholic mindset of being open to God’s will might be driving me crazy. I look for God’s will in every little thing, and these things pile up, contradict each other. I see ‘green lights’, and ‘red lights’ everywhere, and then realize they’re probably not even real. I am hardly ever at peace. I don’t know how to pray… people say ‘just stop talking, and listen to Him’, but I find this, quite frankly, impossible.

I am a little confused about the lights thing, and don’t want to make assumptions. I do know that God’s will can be very broad-based, and makes a lot of room for human free will. Lots of stuff happens, I think, that is not God’s will, but God wills our autonomy.

I’m seeing the turmoil more clearly in the past year or so, trying to figure out college, and more especially a relationship. There’s a young man (good Catholic) who very much wants to marry me, but I am constantly conflicted with doubts about it (which he knows). I’ve always chose to assume that these doubts mean the relationship isn’t right, and that I should probably get out of it. But then they subside, and then I’m at peace with him for a little while (day or two, maybe), and then it starts up again. ("What if I don’t really love him; what if I’m forcing an attraction here; what if God’s trying to show me through these doubts that it’s not right for us, etc. etc. etc. ) It causes a great deal of anxiety for me, and a good deal of frustration for him. He doesn’t see these thoughts as rational, and thinks that I pride myself on being super-logical, having to see all the possibilities in every option before making a step in any direction. This may be true, but it’s also what I find necessary for ‘intellectual honesty’. I see so many couples blinded by their love, and am determined not to be like that. But me ‘guarding my heart’ has turned into a massive wall/moat that I don’t know what to do with.
So it seems that all my efforts to live all I was taught on the topic of finding God’s will and guarding my heart have really backfired, with the now prevalent feeling that God doesn’t really care what I do, that He doesn’t really have a plan for my life, and that He couldn’t care less whether I exist or not.

Thoughts, pretty please?

I hear your anxiety. It sounds like you really want this man to be happy, but are not sure he is the One. In the relationship, is your own need for autonomy being met?

There is a bit of hopelessness in your last paragraph, like you need to be in control (we all do), and it is not happening. You are having trouble putting everything in order. I could tell you that God loves and cares for you very personally and very deeply, which is true, but I don’t think that will erase the hopelessness.

 

[Serafina17]

The online option is not my first choice, but is financially necessary. By ‘my home’ I meant my home area, which is home to over 100 homeschooling families, in which I have a lot of like-minded/wise friends. My community is fine. Better than fine. I just am having trouble relating to them, and that was not any better at the college I was at (good Catholic college). I’m pretty much the same at home… withdrawn, help when needed, but am not ‘lively’ at all.
Really don’t think that’s the main problem, though…

@bsroufek
Thank you for that… will look into it more. I always thought those kinds of methods were way beyond me, but maybe they could help.

 

[Della]

Dear Serafina, take it from a gal who is turning 65 next month–you are simply trying too hard and getting yourself tied into knots over it. Relax. Take a few deep breaths. Have you done that? Okay. Then sit down and make a simple list of the ten things you want out of life.

Don’t think about it. Just write.

:coffeeread:

What came at the top of your list? Where is marriage on the list?–if it is at all. How about your education?

No matter what you wrote, these are your current priorities. Right or wrong, good or bad, this is where you are at in your head right now.

Now think about what is on your list. What is truly important and what isn’t? What would please God?

Does he want you to be happy? Yes.

Does he want you to marry and have a family? For most people this is also a yes, although he may have other plans for you.

Do you, in your heart of hearts feel that your boyfriend is the right person for you to marry? Are you the right person for him?

Again, breathe. Pray calmly and precisely. Tell God all about what you want, what you believe he is calling you to do, and then leave it all in his hands.

Finish your education. Date whomever you like, and again relax. God will guide you as you go. There’s no need to second guess all your decisions. Just make them in good faith and all will be well.

 

[sepgs2004]

Greetings in our Lord Jesus Christ. I am 39 and my college days are done long time ago.

Several times in the past, I also had gone through these kind of feelings. Even recently it was there for a while.

I will just share what I think about this.

You know we are humans. We cannot know the whole thing about God beyond what is necessary for our individual soul. May be we are trying to find more than necessary. God only knows if we are trying to know more than necessary or not. So keep going, you might find the issue yourself.

We can be like a simple fellow, realizing the nothingness of humans compared to everything else of God around us.

We may be expecting a “human” like relationship with God. May be there is nothing wrong that we expect because we are humans. But these frustrations could be due to us pushing too much on this expectation. By “human” like relationship, I mean, like talking to each other often (back and forth conversation), etc. Or in other words, you see like all you do is a one way communication.

May be we want some importance and admiration in the journey we are taking. Since we do not find it, we are confused. Sometimes, in God, being unimportant and hidden may be the important thing we need to go through. You know, important things of this world may not at all be an important thing of the Heaven.

It may appear like you are fooling yourself, because you do not see any conversation back from God.

Sometimes we might be already doing things that pleases our God. On top of this, we still might be nervous if we are doing it right or wrong. We cannot see the judgements now.

One way is to always do the acid-test with the two great commandments. I think always checking against these commandments to our simple knowledge would ascertain if we are ok on our side. At the same time, we have to mind that being ok also should not give us any pride.

You could ignore everything said and do one simple thing. It has 100% surety on getting the solution.** Just say to God everything you said on this post. Once you talked, just simply relieve yourself off of these things. Is that not faith is?** If you do not relieve, that could mean, still we could not trust.
So, just talk (like a one way talk). It might take couple minutes. I mean sit anywhere you like and say it to Him (with full faith) in a humble manner (as if you are talking to a real person, that is what really it is to our senses). And also tell Him that you need some understanding and clarity. Sometimes full faith in talking to God simply means feel or realize 100% that He is there listening. Realization of this is all I guess.

The Prayer of Love and Silence, Carthusian. On this, read (at least and until) especially the paragraph with title “The natural presence of God in all things”. Online read.

Prayers and Wishes to you.

 

[MJJean]

I did not go to college, but I hope I can be of some help.

Relax! Feel! Enjoy life and all of the gifts God gave you!

I dated in my youth and believed that enduring romantic love that lasts a lifetime was not a realistic possibility. I made the biggest mistake of my life and married someone I did not love because of that belief. Heck, I didn’t even like the man.

The marriage fell apart (long story I don’t want to go into for fear of typing a page), ended in divorce, and then I met a wonderful man that I fell in love with literally at first sight. I was terrified! It got even worse when I realized he was human and could make mistakes and that so was I. I had that same moat around. A constant struggle between my desire to fully, honestly, openly, without reservation, love him and a desire to protect myself from getting hurt by the only person who could really hurt me.

I did a lot of damage to myself, him, and our relationship. We’ve been together for 13 years, married for 10. I can’t tell you how much happier those years could have been if I’d just allowed myself to feel what I felt naturally, trusted him and myself and God and just been happy.

Life is short. Years pass in a blink. Let go. Trust God. Enjoy your life and enjoy your time with your boyfriend. Stop thinking so much! There is such a thing as over analyzing. If you let go and just feel what you naturally feel you’ll be able to see clearly if this young man is who you want to marry.

 

[St_Francis]

I don’t know if this is advice or not, but I think you could use a retreat. Where you go to college, it there a Newman Center? When I was college age, I was involved in groups where we did ministry and prayed together. I think what you could really use is a solid community of like-minded, like-aged folks who are Catholic and you can all be confused about your place in the Universe together.

This might not make sense to you, but I get a warm feeling in my heart thinking about the days long past when I had a ***community ***to share with. All this dating drama you’re experiencing–just let it go for now. If it’s confusing you this much it probably isn’t right.

Does this help? I’m sorry if it doesn’t.

Oddly enough, a reteat came to my mind as well while I was reading your post–maybe you need to get right away from your life so as to look at it from the outside without the normal influences.

Another thing is a little post someone linked to on CAF.

Here is a part which I think will be particularly pertinent:
7. Spiritual Triangulation – There are 3 factors to be sure that we have discerned rightly:

a. God’s objective moral law: Scripture, Tradition, Magisterium

b. The situation God providentially arranges for you.

c. The testimony of your own Conscience, especially the inner peace that is a mark of the Spirit’s presence.

There are other useful points at the link, so I highly recommend it.

Overall, what the others have said about God’s allowing us room to manuever is correct. He is not a micromanager who will “get you” if you don’t eat the right dinner. He is much more like a parent, who says, please go the the store and buy some stuff for dinner, but allows you to choose the menu. They’d be upset if you bought was a car instead of dinner, just as God would be upset if you committed a mortal sin, but within the parameters, there is space for you to make decisions as well.

This is, I believe, a part of the process of growing up as a Catholic–to learn to act in a way pleasing to God on our own, to make decisions on our own which are in accord with His will because we love Him.

 

[angell1]

hey, i definitely hear it. i’m a university student pretty much at the same boat. there was a guy i liked at one point but i realized it probably wouldnt work out. i don’t feel particularlly drawn to marriage anyways; pperhaps i am just one of those oddballs who aren’t called to it. or maybe it will come later on; i honestly don’t know at this point. also i really dont’ know what i will do with myself after i’m done school. everything does seem like quite a blur right now. i will be praying for you and feel to message mf i you need someone to talk to. i know with god’s help, we will get through this seemingly tumultuous period of our life

 

[JimR-OCDS]

Serafina

I’m seeing the turmoil more clearly in the past year or so, trying to figure out college, and more especially a relationship. There’s a young man (good Catholic) who very much wants to marry me, but I am constantly conflicted with doubts about it (which he knows). I’ve always chose to assume that these doubts mean the relationship isn’t right, and that I should probably get out of it. But then they subside, and then I’m at peace with him for a little while (day or two, maybe), and then it starts up again. ("What if I don’t really love him; what if I’m forcing an attraction here; what if God’s trying to show me through these doubts that it’s not right for us, etc. etc. etc. )

Please understand, I’m only going by what you wrote here, but from what you’ve written, you like this boy, but do not have a romantic attraction to him. In other words, you do not love him as a woman and man who want to marry, love each other. If you did, you would want to be with him always, and when you’re not together, your mind and heart would always be thinking of being with him. FYI, I’m 62 years of age and have been married for 40 years, to a woman I dated when I was 15 years old.

God’s will for you is where you are in the present, for this is where God is. The ego seeks to live in the past, or the future, but is weakened by a person who lives in the present. Learn to be in the present by being open to the flow of life and as long as you pray to God and ask for his will to be done in your life, things will flow to you that will bring peace.

If you are in conflict and without peace, it isn’t from God. Jesus is the source of faith and peace, go to him and ask for him to come into your life.

Education is important, especially in order to get a skill that you can make a living at.

This doesn’t necessarily mean a four year college, for not everyone is capable of an academic career, and many today make the mistake of assuming a degree is their path to economic happiness, all the while they’re building up college debt only to find that the jobs they end up with, can’t support them and pay the college loan off. I know a young woman who graduated last year with a masters degree in accounting and business. She is in debt with college loans to the tune of almost $100,000. So much for what her degree in accounting is worth, eh ?

So, pray and ask for Jesus to help you to know His will for you. Be open to whatever comes into your life and learn to live in the present moment.