Advice for an unfortunate personal situation that involves my parish

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LouiseDM

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My husband ended an extra-marital affair almost a year ago after I saw him texting and the secrets started coming out. We have been working through the difficult process of rebuilding our marriage, and he has always acknowledged his culpability and not blamed the other woman. We have done a lot of difficult work and counseling. Forgiveness has been given and I am committed to our marriage (as is he, 100%). He has been very loving, has grown, and is supportive of my healing.

Brief history: She was a co-worker who then began attending our church with her family right at the beginning of all the flirtation. Our marriage was in a “for worse” phase, with our fifth child being about three months old (and having been quite an upheaval for our family, where our oldest is 17). My husband was working all the time, genuinely liked his new co-worker and was trying to show her the ropes, lead her back to her faith, etc. It turned into way too much attention giving and receiving. Couple that with the super stressful environment of our marriage and he made many awful decisions which stretched across eight months of time.

All this time she and her children (occasionally her non-Christian husband) often sat across the parish from us. I thought she was no threat to my marriage. Thought she had a crush on him, but he would NEVER. I was wrong, obviously.

Upon my discovery, I sent her one text, asking for the decency that she stay away from my children and family. I asked her point blank to not come back there to what I consider my parish home. In the past year her family have been sometime attenders there, without it being a horrible experience for me. It’s a distraction and something I wish wouldn’t happen, but I’m a mature adult. Her husband is aware of the facts as well, by the way.

Last week I saw that she is running for parish council and describes herself as a CCD teacher. I am horrified at the idea of my children ever being in her charge. I am disturbed and angry at the thought of her in advisory role to our semi-retired priest. What the heck can I do? Is it best just to suck it up and be quiet?

This parish is my home parish since I was eight years old. My children’s godparents are all there, were baptized there, and we were married there. We attend every weekend, have always been very active, including my husband’s and my own service on parish council, lector, RCIA, etc. My family (relations) live many hours away, so these people are like a second family to me. They do NOT know about the affair, aside from two parishioners my husband and I each sought advice from.

If I go “call a spade a spade,” as I promised her I would in that one communication a year ago (if she forced my hand), then my children and my parish family will suffer the burden of knowing about this scandalous matter. It will hurt and disappoint many people. Perhaps that is necessary, but I feel protective - of myself, maybe so too. We are a couple many have singled out over these many years as “having it together” and people to look up to. Disappointing them will be painful. It will change relationships and cause my husband much hurt as well. And for what? Will it even change anything?

I’m sure this woman would proclaim, “I have just as much right to be here as he does!” And that may be so. It’s just beyond narcissistic for her to act as though my history here and our relationships with parishioners are anywhere on the same plane as hers.

Besides, be here all you want. There are three masses and I can handle the minor distraction of you across the church. But elevating yourself to parish council and teacher???

I will NOT under any circumstances allow her to be in charge of my children. I suppose I’m going to have to out the situation as least to the DRE or CRE on that front.

We have a small parish, by the way. This is a rural community, very small Catholic population. Parish is about 180 families, with only half of that active in any capacity.

My husband is just sick about it. Apologetic and so sad at what he has brought to my heart to bear. He says he will support me, whatever I think should be done. He has offered to go meet with the deacon or priest, or whatever. I really don’t know what to do.

I pray about this. God says, “Grow.” That’s all I get. Novenas, prayers, crying out in my awful moments of weeping. What should I do? Nothing? Trust the Holy Spirit? Give light to the truth of this situation? Trust my parish family? It’s really just another awful consequence of this sin that’s already caused so much heartache.
 
I would contact the pastor of the parish and set up a time for you and your husband to meet with him and tell him of the situation, and let him handle it from there. I can’t imagine that the priest would want this woman serving on the pastoral council or as a CCD teacher.
 
I second that you and your husband meet with the pastor and tell him exactly what is going on. When you say you are in a small rural parish I assume that you all live within the parish boundaries and it wouldn’t be a simple matter of changing parishes.
 
My 2 cents: I think you should mention it privately to your priest, but if he decides for whatever reason not to interfere, and this person ends up in a leadership role, then other than keeping your husband and family away from her you will have done all you can do and it will be “offer it up” time.
 
A third vote for meeting with the pastor. But I also suggest that you be prepared for unanticipated outcomes. In our parish, there was a similar sort of affair a few years back…and while the woman involved was not permitted to be on the council or any sort of “office”, similarly the man was barred from office…because it truly takes two in these circumstances. This may be hard to hear…but if you’re playing the ‘moral authority’ card, your husband is at least as guilty as she. He should be at least as accountable to the parish community as any newcomer. I’m so sorry that you’re caught in the middle of this.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
My 2 cents: I think you should mention it privately to your priest, but if he decides for whatever reason not to interfere, and this person ends up in a leadership role, then other than keeping your husband and family away from her you will have done all you can do and it will be “offer it up” time.
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Not sure that I fully agree with this. If by chance the priest does not wish to take any action, I would at least privately inform the DRE about the situation. This woman should not be teaching CCD, all the more because the OP’s children could land in her classes. As a parishioner, I would not want someone of her character teaching my children.

Hopefully, the pastor will take appropriate action and it will be a non-issue.
 
I guess I can see informing the DRE privately also, but at some point you have to limit who you tell or it becomes like spreading gossip, especially in a small parish.
 
Also, someone “of her character”? I can see OP not wanting her husband or kids around someone who bears some (though not all) responsibility for causing hurt to her family, but do you really know anything about her “character” and in any event aren’t we supposed to forgive sinners? She may be genuinely sorry and have reformed her ways just as the errant husband is working to reform his.
 
Thank you for the quick replies. I appreciate the counsel.

I, of course, realize my husband is as much as fault. Absolutely. But he is steering clear of being anywhere near her children/husband. He’s not helping with soccer coaching just for the possibility of somehow being involved with her children.

To complicate things, our pastor is elderly, very out-of-touch, and completely unable to relate to people. Our parish has been dying a slow death from lack of leadership in the past few years he’s been assigned here. I will go to him, in faith that the Holy Spirit will be involved. I have no idea how things will shake out, though.

I am half convinced that he will brush it off that it’s “corrected behavior” and “second chances.” I expect to be disappointed by the pastor and/or the deacon/CRE, really. I think they’ll have a “not touch this with a ten-foot-pole” reaction. I know it’s an awful burden and unattractive to have deal with.

In the interest of full disclosure, my husband serves on the finance council and has for several years. It’s actually difficult to find parishioners willing to serve on either the parish council or finance or anything else these days. He offered to me that he will resign, no second thoughts, if that’s somehow needed.

Up until the past few weeks, it seemed her family had been going elsewhere (the next town over, I guess) for mass. I was hoping they would start investing in another parish. I wish them no ill will. I just want some peace and this feels like an infiltration into a place that is peaceful to me. With upheaval in leadership even, this parish is my home. I look around and see almost all familiar, friendly faces who care about my family. Giving that up is a no-go for me. I will not give up my parish home. If I must, I will suffer through it and do my best to keep peace for my children. It’s what I’ve been doing all year. Lord knows I’ve been “offering it up” like crazy for many months.

The Lord has been faithful to me. He has answered many of my prayers. He has calmed the storm in my heart and my husband is like the man I married many years ago. I am grateful, but this is very painful.
 
Her character is not necessarily any worse than your husband’s, and of course we all know about the woman at the well and the woman caught in adultery and the woman who washed Our Lord’s feet with her tears and dried them with her hair.

Yes, I would talk to your pastor. If she is a CCD teacher, for instance, he can make sure she is never teaching the grade your children would be in. She ought to be amenable to that, and this is something that can be accomplished discretely. As for being on parish council, if your husband is not on parish council that isn’t a role that involves being in particularly close contact with you or your family.

I think you have to hope that she and her husband would like to put this matter in the past as much as you do. That involves choosing ministries for her and your husband that won’t involve any contact between the two of them. If neither he nor you had any ambition to run for parish council, you’re good.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
Also, someone “of her character”? I can see OP not wanting her husband or kids around someone who bears some (though not all) responsibility for causing hurt to her family, but do you really know anything about her “character” and in any event aren’t we supposed to forgive sinners? She may be genuinely sorry and have reformed her ways just as the errant husband is working to reform his.
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Well, none of us do; I am going off the little information that was given. That information indicates that she doesn’t have much shame. Had I been involved in an extra-marital affair, I can’t imagine continuing to attend Mass at the same parish where the former partner in the affair and his wife and children attend. If there were no realistic option for attending Mass elsewhere, I would attend a different Mass time to the best of my ability. It is also very presumptuous to be running for pastoral council and CCD teacher right after the affair, in that same parish, no less. Her actions indicate at the very least, that she has little regard for the feelings of others. That was my take on it, but who knows? 🤷
 
EnglishTeacher said:
Well, none of us do; I am going off the little information that was given. That information indicates that she doesn’t have much shame. Had I been involved in an extra-marital affair, I can’t imagine continuing to attend Mass at the same parish where the former partner in the affair and his wife and children attend. If there were no realistic option for attending Mass elsewhere, I would attend a different Mass time to the best of my ability. It is also very presumptuous to be running for pastoral council and CCD teacher right after the affair, in that same parish, no less. Her actions indicate at the very least, that she has little regard for the feelings of others. That was my take on it, but who knows? 🤷
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When someone asked her if she would run for parish council, she was supposed to say, “I’m sorry, but I have this scarlet letter to wear for a year or two. I cannot do any parish ministry until I find by some unknown back channel whether Mr. X or his wife have anything remotely to do with it, because you see Mr. X and I had the hanky panky going on for awhile, and so that it the way it is for us.”

If he were on parish council already and she tried to get onto it, that would be a different matter. As it is, though, how is she supposed to determined which kinds of volunteering are OK for her and what kinds of pitching in where she is need is too “shameless”?
 
I understand that seeing this woman causes you pain… it is very understandable of course.

What I am going to suggest is very very difficult. However, you don’t know if she has fully repented and has changed her character…

If this issue was resolved with your dh, and your marriage is strong… it’s time to ignore this person’s presence at mass and pray for peace about her presence there.

If the time comes for your child or children to have her as religious instructor then address that you prefer a different teacher for personal reasons. If pressed…tell only the priest.

I would not let this woman be a cause of sin for you, in terms of slander, gossip etc. God will take care of this matter. Don’t take it into your own hands.

Edited to add:

Of course you are angry about this…buthe it will come across very badly to others and harm your husbands reputation too if you persist in getting this woman out of the parish. I don’t think that could ever happen, as we are all sinners at some time or another.

Best wishes and prayers to you.
 
EasterJoy said:
When someone asked her if she would run for parish council, she was supposed to say, “I’m sorry, but I have this scarlet letter to wear for a year or two. I cannot do any parish ministry until I find by some unknown back channel whether Mr. X or his wife have anything remotely to do with it, because you see Mr. X and I had the hanky panky going on for awhile, and so that it the way it is for us.”

If he were on parish council already and she tried to get onto it, that would be a different matter. As it is, though, how is she supposed to determined which kinds of volunteering are OK for her and what kinds of pitching in where she is need is too “shameless”?
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To me, common sense would dictate that leadership and teaching roles may not be appropriate at this time. But it seems I may be alone in that opinion.

As to the parish council, I was assuming that it was a situation where people volunteered to run. Even if that is not the case, it is easy enough to decline without giving the reasons. I don’t see how it would be “wearing a scarlet letter,” as the OP and her family have kept the matter as discreet and private as possible, and wish to continue doing so.
 
EnglishTeacher said:
Well, none of us do; I am going off the little information that was given. That information indicates that she doesn’t have much shame. Had I been involved in an extra-marital affair, I can’t imagine continuing to attend Mass at the same parish where the former partner in the affair and his wife and children attend. If there were no realistic option for attending Mass elsewhere, I would attend a different Mass time to the best of my ability. It is also very presumptuous to be running for pastoral council and CCD teacher right after the affair, in that same parish, no less. Her actions indicate at the very least, that she has little regard for the feelings of others. That was my take on it, but who knows? 🤷
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I’m afraid I see it from the other side, too…if the OP’s husband has allowed himself to be held up as any sort of a “model husband” or their marriage as a “model couple” in the parish during and after the affair, I’m afraid it’s awfully disingenuous (at best) of him. What’s truly tragic is that the OP is the one who will be crushed (again) by all of this. I would suggest that neither affair partner has much shame, if either continues in public service where they’re “models” for the community.

At the same time, it seems, if I’m understanding the OP correctly, that a year has passed since the end of the affair. Perhaps the former mistress feels enough time has elapsed that she could serve the parish. Since the paramour appears not to have taken any leave of service (or distanced himself from his “model citizen” appearances), it may be that a year “on the bench” may be suitable ‘rehabilitation’ for her. I don’t know. But honestly, if adultery is a disqualifier for the female, it’s also a disqualifier for the male. “Out” one, and you “out” them both.
 
KnitNut said:
But honestly, if adultery is a disqualifier for the female, it’s also a disqualifier for the male. “Out” one, and you “out” them both.
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This is true.
KnitNut said:
At the same time, it seems, if I’m understanding the OP correctly, that a year has passed since the end of the affair. Perhaps the former mistress feels enough time has elapsed that she could serve the parish.
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I didn’t catch that it had been a year since this all occurred, so perhaps this is the case.

Very difficult situation for the OP in any case; no doubt that although a year may seem like a long time ago to “the other woman,” the pain for the OP may still be new and strong for some time yet. I hope that she and her husband continue to find healing (and that I didn’t derail the thread too much).
 
I frankly have always seen the finance council role my husband has, as all business. The parish council is another role altogether. It is more about representing parishioners’ points of view and concerns of family members. Take that, however you may, into account.

Not surprisingly, most of you seem to be focused on who is at fault (or more at fault), the other woman or my husband. I don’t see your point. This isn’t about her or him, though I know their scandalous behavior attracts the attention. This is about ME!

This is about the lack of decency she has in not bowing out of a very fresh start at my parish home. Attending infrequent masses for two years does not a parish-home make.

And don’t discount that one of the main reasons for her coming in the first place was to please my husband, who at the outset thought he was shepherding her back to her faith. She sat across this church from my family, including my husband and our five children. She smiled and said hello to me, smirked, and plotted that my husband leave me for her ultimately. Then she could critique all the ways I wasn’t a good wife and vow that she would “never do ___.”

I have acted with grace and reserve throughout this ordeal. My husband is not shirking guilt or responsibility. I am not asking that she be punished or ostracized with a scarlet letter. I am conflicted about my power, or lack thereof, concerning the current situation and that going forward. I will not stand by and have her in any authoritative role for my children! That’s my driving passion.

In the wake of a woman who either …
a) has reformed and wants to be of service to her beloved new parish, but lacks diligence in judgement about what is respectful or doesn’t care about the effect on anyone else, only what reward it brings her
or
b) is a narcissist and trying to prove a point of some kind (“I’m over it and such a good person now,” “I can be in contact with my former lover and have no temptation,” or “I have every right to be here and you’re not going to make me feel guilty.”) A point either to me, my husband, or prove herself to her own husband

I have no way of knowing. I just have my own interest and my own sense of justice and sickness at scandal. Am I really supposed to be okay just standing by and saying nothing? Acting unphased? Is that what Jesus calls me to do?

I really don’t know. And it sounds like several of you are torn, as well, or distracted by the affair, the guilty parties, and whether a woman is getting more blame than the man.
 
Your husband and her will have a spiritual yoke together until it is brought through confession with a priest. Drop the Church politics on that for one.

Second, you have to remember the prostitute in the bible. I know all about the tendency to side with “your poor targeted spouse” aww, poor them… HA! He is 99.9% wrong towards you and not the other way around. He owed you loyalty more than she did. Therefore, it is worse to have him near your kids if you want them “cast away from adulterers.” Don’t be foolish. This isn’t about Church, it’s about jealousy.

You are being tested, meditate on it. You don’t have to like her, but you have to forgive her. If you ask her to go to confession about it, then the test is whether or not you believe in that sacrament existing and working. That much is about you, and I’m deeply sorry for your troubles, this test is horrific, if you pass this one, it says a lot about you.

God Bless
 
LouiseDM said:
I have no way of knowing. I just have my own interest and my own sense of justice and sickness at scandal. Am I really supposed to be okay just standing by and saying nothing? Acting unphased? Is that what Jesus calls me to do?
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If you’re looking for this to be about you, OP, then the advice I have is this: counseling. It was (and is) a very traumatic thing you’ve gone through. Your husband brought her into your space, your parish. The ultimate betrayal, magnified. Naturally, you want your safe space back…but it will not ever be the way it was. You can’t control her…and I apologize but it seems you may have displaced much of your anger towards your husband onto the mistress. That is common, as anger in the marriage is so damaging…but the “other woman” was led along by your husband, too.

It may be that she still has “a thing” for him. In which case your only truly safe move is to find another parish. Is this “fair” to you? NO! But it may be the only defensive move you have. If you choose to stay, I think you have to find a way to let go of this anger and come to grips that she will never be as “punished” as you think she should be…and that your husband is incredibly lucky you kept him around. Yes, you are the roadkill between them.

Truly, I think counseling for you is the best advice I can give. I’m not sure getting the rest of the parish to shun her is a good answer. And honestly, if you’re not in marriage counseling, I would encourage that, too…the degree that you’ve hidden his complicity in this and project blame on her while seemily glossing over his role (even the comment about the finance council being okay, but parish council not)…I understand that hiding his adultery is protecting you from further pain, public shame, etc. Women often go to great lengths to excuse the adultering husband quickly (and society goes along with this to an extent), to start trusting before they’ve earned it back. There are some good books for survivors of affairs - I know I’ve seen them recommended on these boards. That might be a good place to start. 😦
 
Been there. Take your kids and go to another parish, with or without your husband. If he truly repented and wants to heal your marriage he should stick with you and your children.

We had to abandon everything, job, church, home and everything in it when the adultress became a stalker.

Your assessment of her as a narcissist may be spot on. I would be vary wary of that other woman.
 
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