Advice for an unfortunate personal situation that involves my parish

[EasterJoy]

To me, common sense would dictate that leadership and teaching roles may not be appropriate at this time. But it seems I may be alone in that opinion.

As to the parish council, I was assuming that it was a situation where people volunteered to run. Even if that is not the case, it is easy enough to decline without giving the reasons. I don’t see how it would be “wearing a scarlet letter,” as the OP and her family have kept the matter as discreet and private as possible, and wish to continue doing so.

This was not the abuse of a child, so the other adult in the affair is not going to be “protected” from contact with his partner in crime. I meant that the pastor is highly unlikely to hear her confession (or the man’s, for that matter) and make avoiding a teaching position and staying off the parish council a condition of absolution.

Honestly, I’ve never been in a parish where being on parish council is all that high profile. In most parishes, they have a hard time scraping up enough candidates to have an actual election.

Having said that, I do believe that it is reasonable to discretely tell the pastor what has gone on between the two of them. Making him aware of what happened is not gossip. It is information he has a legitimate reason to know. It is entirely likely that he would be willing to intervene and place her as the teacher for classes that the OP’s children won’t be in.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I frankly have always seen the finance council role my husband has, as all business. The parish council is another role altogether. It is more about representing parishioners’ points of view and concerns of family members. Take that, however you may, into account.

Not surprisingly, most of you seem to be focused on who is at fault (or more at fault), the other woman or my husband. I don’t see your point. This isn’t about her or him, though I know their scandalous behavior attracts the attention. This is about ME!

This is about the lack of decency she has in not bowing out of a very fresh start at my parish home. Attending infrequent masses for two years does not a parish-home make.

And don’t discount that one of the main reasons for her coming in the first place was to please my husband, who at the outset thought he was shepherding her back to her faith. She sat across this church from my family, including my husband and our five children. She smiled and said hello to me, smirked, and plotted that my husband leave me for her ultimately. Then she could critique all the ways I wasn’t a good wife and vow that she would “never do ___.”

I have acted with grace and reserve throughout this ordeal. My husband is not shirking guilt or responsibility. I am not asking that she be punished or ostracized with a scarlet letter. I am conflicted about my power, or lack thereof, concerning the current situation and that going forward. I will not stand by and have her in any authoritative role for my children! That’s my driving passion.

In the wake of a woman who either …
a) has reformed and wants to be of service to her beloved new parish, but lacks diligence in judgement about what is respectful or doesn’t care about the effect on anyone else, only what reward it brings her
or
b) is a narcissist and trying to prove a point of some kind (“I’m over it and such a good person now,” “I can be in contact with my former lover and have no temptation,” or “I have every right to be here and you’re not going to make me feel guilty.”) A point either to me, my husband, or prove herself to her own husband

I have no way of knowing. I just have my own interest and my own sense of justice and sickness at scandal. Am I really supposed to be okay just standing by and saying nothing? Acting unphased? Is that what Jesus calls me to do?

I really don’t know. And it sounds like several of you are torn, as well, or distracted by the affair, the guilty parties, and whether a woman is getting more blame than the man.

It’s truly infuriating. I completely sympathize with where you are are coming from. I hope your priest will take appropriate action, but if not, I guess you have some difficult choices to make. It’s not fair if you and your family have to be the ones to leave the parish, but perhaps that in the end would be the best option for you and your husband. (Only you and he can decide that.) Since your own pastor is probably not in a good position to do so, is it possible for you and your husband to find another priest to do some counseling with?

 

[pianistclare]

Longtime DRE here:

I can tell you what MY pastor and boss would say: Thanks for coming forward and telling me. We must avoid scandal. Whether or not she has repented is something between her, her confessor, and God.
But she should NOT be teaching catechism classes.
There is a man who is a wonderful person in our parish, raised two wonderful sons, but is in a relationship that is irregular. Everyone loves him, including the pastor, but the pastor has told him he may not be in a position to influence children. Period. He understands and volunteers in other ways and is not an outcast in the parish by any means. But he can’t be a catechist.

Please do meet with the pastor and tell him everything, both husband and wife. For me, the issue is not so much whether has she repented…but the fact that you asked her to stay clear of your family due to the hurt that undoubtedly marked everyone’s life…**and she ignored your request. ** This, says the most to me, as to her character. A person will look the other way on things, is not likely to make a fine catechist.

:twocents:

 

[LouiseDM]

Just to clear it up for some of you who seem confused, we have been through this for an entire year now. The affair has been over for a year. We have been in counseling and through the retrouvaille program, just as most of you suggest.

Confession? Of course! I am hurt by some of the flippant and condescending comments that have been made about this. I don’t need a lecture about how my husband hurt me or how capable he is. I am well aware of all of that and not wishing to go into the whole history of our healing process. Be sure that he has been doing much growth, and we have been focused on rebuilding our marriage. Isn’t that what all of you support?

It’s really easy to talk about marriage being forever, and it’s also really easy to condemn actions like having an affair. The harder part is the messier stuff of rebuilding and healing. That’s what this post is about. I would never have realized the extent to which all of this is so hard had I not been through it myself. I hope none of you ever have to learn the way I have. Until then, adultery seems pretty cut and dry to me. Only “bad guys” do that, right?

Two years ago, my life looked like the perfect Catholic vision. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have five children, so we obviously practice NFP. We sacrificed so our children can attend Catholic school while it was still available here, we attend mass every Sunday, we have always been very active in church. Our last pregnancy through both of us into a strange place. That, coupled with a very dead parish, overtime at work, stress and medical issues in our extended family, and we were both wearing very thin. Add to that some hormone problems and I knew, aggressively flirty girl at work and the perfect storm ensued. These are not excuses, mind you. These are just the facts. My husband is absolutely culpable for every bad decision, small and large, that he made. Both of us have been paying for those decisions and dealing with the consequences as discreetly as possible so to protect our children and not to disturb our extended families.

It also doesn’t help to have a bunch of people weigh in on whether or not someone has been punished enough or should stay together. It’s a decision between the two of us.

This post was supposed to be about the other woman’s current, and very recent, moves within our parish. I was asking direction about how I should go about handling this current situation. As you know, our church structure is a little more complicated. Many priests have no real training in counseling. I know for sure ours doesn’t!

I never had any intention in outing her as some kind of whore or prostitute to the parish. But we are talking about people that I see as my friends and family, and have for years! If I disappear from the parish, they will be asking why. It will be a sacrifice for myself and my entire family to do so. I don’t intend to move parishes, if it can be helped. I suppose I wouldn’t rule it out.

I planned to be discreet if I did talk to anyone about this topic in the parish office. I jwondered if anyone else had any ideas. I’m sorry but I had to give back story at all. I’m sorry that some of your responses caused me to feel dismissed and I ended up in tears. You need to consider that people come to a message board for information and also for support. You can give that support even if you disagree with them. You can be compassionate. This is a religious forum, and I certainly expected less preaching and more compassion.

Thank you very much to those of you who read my posts closely and crafted a response with careful words and compassion. I really do appreciate that. I’m sure anyone on this message board would feel the same. Thank you

I will take all of this under advisement and pray about it. I may do nothing about the situation. I may just pick up my cross and carry it quietly. In the end, I trust in the providence of the Lord, even though I can’t help but beg him to take some of this from me. He answers me with only one sentiment, that is to grow. I am attempting to do so.

 

[St_Francis]

I would pray about this a lot. Talk with the priest, and ask him if it’s ok if you talk with the DRE if he doesn’t plan to do anything about it, if only to keep your children out of her classes, but I think praying for forgiveness and for God to lead her to a different parish would be the way to go.

(I am surprised that altho she comes only erratically to Mass that she is up for the PC and CCD!)

 

[CatholicSpirit]

I sure hope my response didn’t make you cry. My points were:

1. Get the sin stain out of both of them
2. Let your faith be your guide after that part is done
3. Don’t put the adulterers in a rating system involving the kids, because it will just make the victim here (you) look worse, which you don’t need
4. When this is done, you should respect yourself a lot for proving you can make it through a VERY tough situation

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I can understand feeling hurt and wishing this lady would fly to outer space forever and stay there, but I’m a bit troubled by the “My” parish stuff.

This parish is supposed to be open to all who want to practice the faith. It isn’t owned by any family or set of families regardless of how long they have been attending there. While a DRE or other parishioners might have some say in deciding whether someone can or should participate in parish governance or teaching children or other service ministries, if somebody just wants to attend Mass and receive sacraments, then they should be allowed to do so unless the priest learns they aren’t in a state of grace or they are causing some huge disruption like stealing, misbehaving during the Mass, or breaking the law (like violating a restraining order).

As long as this woman is leaving your husband and family alone - not running up trying to chat with them, etc. - and you don’t have a restraining order violation or stalking/harassment charge pending against her, it seems really presumptuous for you to expect her to go to some different parish. “Respect” here means she doesn’t mess with you, your husband or family. It doesn’t mean she has some duty to avoid any public place or activity where you might regularly go, including Mass.

 

[angell1]

My husband ended an extra-marital affair almost a year ago after I saw him texting and the secrets started coming out. We have been working through the difficult process of rebuilding our marriage, and he has always acknowledged his culpability and not blamed the other woman. We have done a lot of difficult work and counseling. Forgiveness has been given and I am committed to our marriage (as is he, 100%). He has been very loving, has grown, and is supportive of my healing.

Brief history: She was a co-worker who then began attending our church with her family right at the beginning of all the flirtation. Our marriage was in a “for worse” phase, with our fifth child being about three months old (and having been quite an upheaval for our family, where our oldest is 17). My husband was working all the time, genuinely liked his new co-worker and was trying to show her the ropes, lead her back to her faith, etc. It turned into way too much attention giving and receiving. Couple that with the super stressful environment of our marriage and he made many awful decisions which stretched across eight months of time.

All this time she and her children (occasionally her non-Christian husband) often sat across the parish from us. I thought she was no threat to my marriage. Thought she had a crush on him, but he would NEVER. I was wrong, obviously.

Upon my discovery, I sent her one text, asking for the decency that she stay away from my children and family. I asked her point blank to not come back there to what I consider my parish home. In the past year her family have been sometime attenders there, without it being a horrible experience for me. It’s a distraction and something I wish wouldn’t happen, but I’m a mature adult. Her husband is aware of the facts as well, by the way.

Last week I saw that she is running for parish council and describes herself as a CCD teacher. I am horrified at the idea of my children ever being in her charge. I am disturbed and angry at the thought of her in advisory role to our semi-retired priest. What the heck can I do? Is it best just to suck it up and be quiet?

This parish is my home parish since I was eight years old. My children’s godparents are all there, were baptized there, and we were married there. We attend every weekend, have always been very active, including my husband’s and my own service on parish council, lector, RCIA, etc. My family (relations) live many hours away, so these people are like a second family to me. They do NOT know about the affair, aside from two parishioners my husband and I each sought advice from.

If I go “call a spade a spade,” as I promised her I would in that one communication a year ago (if she forced my hand), then my children and my parish family will suffer the burden of knowing about this scandalous matter. It will hurt and disappoint many people. Perhaps that is necessary, but I feel protective - of myself, maybe so too. We are a couple many have singled out over these many years as “having it together” and people to look up to. Disappointing them will be painful. It will change relationships and cause my husband much hurt as well. And for what? Will it even change anything?

I’m sure this woman would proclaim, “I have just as much right to be here as he does!” And that may be so. It’s just beyond narcissistic for her to act as though my history here and our relationships with parishioners are anywhere on the same plane as hers.

Besides, be here all you want. There are three masses and I can handle the minor distraction of you across the church. But elevating yourself to parish council and teacher???

I will NOT under any circumstances allow her to be in charge of my children. I suppose I’m going to have to out the situation as least to the DRE or CRE on that front.

We have a small parish, by the way. This is a rural community, very small Catholic population. Parish is about 180 families, with only half of that active in any capacity.

My husband is just sick about it. Apologetic and so sad at what he has brought to my heart to bear. He says he will support me, whatever I think should be done. He has offered to go meet with the deacon or priest, or whatever. I really don’t know what to do.

I pray about this. God says, “Grow.” That’s all I get. Novenas, prayers, crying out in my awful moments of weeping. What should I do? Nothing? Trust the Holy Spirit? Give light to the truth of this situation? Trust my parish family? It’s really just another awful consequence of this sin that’s already caused so much heartache.

I’m sorry for what you are experiencing, I truly am my parents had to deal with this in their marriage as well, the effects have not quite faded yet and it’s been about 15 years.

however…you may not like what I have to say but,

you were right, that you can’t expect her to just leave the parish just because you don’t feel comfortable with her there. she does have a right to be there as much as your family. it was not a good thing to tell her to leave the parish

she is in the exact same situation as your husband, actually. what if he tried to sign up for some ministry and the other party went and divulged this all to your priest and tried to bar him from volunteering? do you think that would be fair? if you have no issues with your husband receiving this same treatment, then talk to your priest

has she repented,? gone to confession? if you dont’ know the answers then I don’t think it’s right to presume anything. if your children ended up under her care, then you could privately ask for another teacher. if there isn’t one, then maybe you may need to instruct them at home

what they did was inexcusable, believe me, I am a child who feels this for most of my life, but there comes a time and point where we have to let things go and leave it up to God.

 

[pianistclare]

I can understand feeling hurt and wishing this lady would fly to outer space forever and stay there, but I’m a bit troubled by the “My” parish stuff.

This parish is supposed to be open to all who want to practice the faith. It isn’t owned by any family or set of families regardless of how long they have been attending there. While a DRE or other parishioners might have some say in deciding whether someone can or should participate in parish governance or teaching children or other service ministries, if somebody just wants to attend Mass and receive sacraments, then they should be allowed to do so unless the priest learns they aren’t in a state of grace or they are causing some huge disruption like stealing, misbehaving during the Mass, or breaking the law (like violating a restraining order).

As long as this woman is leaving your husband and family alone - not running up trying to chat with them, etc. - and you don’t have a restraining order violation or stalking/harassment charge pending against her, it seems really presumptuous for you to expect her to go to some different parish. “Respect” here means she doesn’t mess with you, your husband or family. It doesn’t mean she has some duty to avoid any public place or activity where you might regularly go, including Mass.

I don’t think it’s presumptuous at all. I would question why a person with this history would WANT to stay there and make the other family’s life miserable.
She has already demonstrated that she doesn’t care a bit about the other family.
I think a person should not be run out of a parish because a person had an affair with her husband. Why should the wronged person leave her parish home?
As a DRE, if I found this out, I would find something else for this person to do if she remained there. She could keep the attendance records, work in the office making copies, anything but teaching. It’s doubtful she is a certified catechist anyway. We require certification. But she wouldn’t be in front of children, particularly the children of her former lover.
I can’t believe everyone thinks this is just peachy.

 

[mommy_k]

The best advice I can offer us to keep praying…follow what Jesus guides you to do. He won’t ask you to do something you cannot handle.

You said you have been inspired to grow…you can either grow where u are planted, or grow somewhere else. To stay you will have be submerged and faced with personal, difficult lessons in humility, forgiveness and charity… of course Jesus will help u. If you leave, you will never know how equipped you are with Jesus beside you and your family.

If you stay…this is my advice…

If your dh will have contact with this woman at parish council meetings…speak to your priest privately about this. If not, don’t say a thing.

Speak to the priest again if your child has her for religion class. If not, keep quiet.

I would not share this with dre, cre, office, other people at all. Things like this have the potential of boomeranging back to you, and your dh and children. It takes one person to make this a scandal. I would not risk this, so again, keep quiet.

It is very difficult, and try not to act on emotions. I understand you feel she us invading a Sacred place …your parish. But she may have repented. She may be clueless or ignorant. But perhaps you are called to rise higher.

Best wishes.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I don’t think it’s presumptuous at all.** I would question why a person with this history would WANT to stay there and make the other family’s life miserable**.
She has already demonstrated that she doesn’t care a bit about the other family.
I think a person should not be run out of a parish because a person had an affair with her husband. Why should the wronged person leave her parish home?
As a DRE, if I found this out, I would find something else for this person to do if she remained there. She could keep the attendance records, work in the office making copies, anything but teaching. It’s doubtful she is a certified catechist anyway. We require certification. But she wouldn’t be in front of children, particularly the children of her former lover.
I can’t believe everyone thinks this is just peachy.

Exactly, that is what I was trying to say as well.

 

[MaryT777]

A third vote for meeting with the pastor. But I also suggest that you be prepared for unanticipated outcomes. In our parish, there was a similar sort of affair a few years back…and while the woman involved was not permitted to be on the council or any sort of “office”, similarly the man was barred from office…because it truly takes two in these circumstances. This may be hard to hear…but if you’re playing the ‘moral authority’ card, your husband is at least as guilty as she. He should be at least as accountable to the parish community as any newcomer. I’m so sorry that you’re caught in the middle of this.

I think this is an excellent point. If the line is drawn in the sand and the adulteress is barred from serving the parish then so should the OP’s husband who is equally culpable.

I might think twice before I walk down this path unless your husband is ready to give up his parish involvement as well.

My heart goes out to you, OP, and I pray that there is some acceptable solution so you do not have to continuously see this woman. I will pray for you, your husband and family.

God Bless,

Mary.

 

[MaryT777]

Just to clear it up for some of you who seem confused, we have been through this for an entire year now. The affair has been over for a year. We have been in counseling and through the retrouvaille program, just as most of you suggest.

Confession? Of course! I am hurt by some of the flippant and condescending comments that have been made about this. I don’t need a lecture about how my husband hurt me or how capable he is. I am well aware of all of that and not wishing to go into the whole history of our healing process. Be sure that he has been doing much growth, and we have been focused on rebuilding our marriage. Isn’t that what all of you support?

It’s really easy to talk about marriage being forever, and it’s also really easy to condemn actions like having an affair. The harder part is the messier stuff of rebuilding and healing. That’s what this post is about. I would never have realized the extent to which all of this is so hard had I not been through it myself. I hope none of you ever have to learn the way I have. Until then, adultery seems pretty cut and dry to me. Only “bad guys” do that, right?

Two years ago, my life looked like the perfect Catholic vision. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We have five children, so we obviously practice NFP. We sacrificed so our children can attend Catholic school while it was still available here, we attend mass every Sunday, we have always been very active in church. Our last pregnancy through both of us into a strange place. That, coupled with a very dead parish, overtime at work, stress and medical issues in our extended family, and we were both wearing very thin. Add to that some hormone problems and I knew, aggressively flirty girl at work and the perfect storm ensued. These are not excuses, mind you. These are just the facts. My husband is absolutely culpable for every bad decision, small and large, that he made. Both of us have been paying for those decisions and dealing with the consequences as discreetly as possible so to protect our children and not to disturb our extended families.

It also doesn’t help to have a bunch of people weigh in on whether or not someone has been punished enough or should stay together. It’s a decision between the two of us.

This post was supposed to be about the other woman’s current, and very recent, moves within our parish. I was asking direction about how I should go about handling this current situation. As you know, our church structure is a little more complicated. Many priests have no real training in counseling. I know for sure ours doesn’t!

I never had any intention in outing her as some kind of whore or prostitute to the parish. But we are talking about people that I see as my friends and family, and have for years! If I disappear from the parish, they will be asking why. It will be a sacrifice for myself and my entire family to do so. I don’t intend to move parishes, if it can be helped. I suppose I wouldn’t rule it out.

I planned to be discreet if I did talk to anyone about this topic in the parish office. I jwondered if anyone else had any ideas. I’m sorry but I had to give back story at all. I’m sorry that some of your responses caused me to feel dismissed and I ended up in tears. You need to consider that people come to a message board for information and also for support. You can give that support even if you disagree with them. You can be compassionate. This is a religious forum, and I certainly expected less preaching and more compassion.

Thank you very much to those of you who read my posts closely and crafted a response with careful words and compassion. I really do appreciate that. I’m sure anyone on this message board would feel the same. Thank you

I will take all of this under advisement and pray about it. I may do nothing about the situation. I may just pick up my cross and carry it quietly. In the end, I trust in the providence of the Lord, even though I can’t help but beg him to take some of this from me. He answers me with only one sentiment, that is to grow. I am attempting to do so.

Op,
A message board unfortunately is not a good place to get support if you are looking for support for your viewpoint as people have differing opinions.

I might think since this thread is upsetting you that you unsubscribe and find support in ways other than the internet in this manner.

I hope you find support.

There is always the prayer thread where prayer warriors would be happy to pray for your discernment and a good outcome for you, your husband and your family.

God Bless,
Mary,

 

[MSSheBear]

I can grasp the OP’s frustration here. When I was an Evangelical in a church with lots of young people when a long term couple split usually one of them went to another church. Some of the young people refused to date anyone from the same church for this reason. So I can sympathize with the OP’s desire for this woman to disappear and it isn’t unreasonable reaction.

Except of course if this is the other woman’s proper parish she does have the right to attend. I think it is wonderful if this woman has all the sudden come to faith and is now a faithful Catholic. But if I were the OP I would be suspicious she was trying to stalk the husband. I am not quite sure what is going on in this parish but I thought would help if the priest knew the OP’s side of the story.

 

[ClearWater]

I have no advice, so will just pray for you and your family.

 

[EasterJoy]

This post was supposed to be about the other woman’s current, and very recent, moves within our parish. I was asking direction about how I should go about handling this current situation. As you know, our church structure is a little more complicated. Many priests have no real training in counseling. I know for sure ours doesn’t!

I never had any intention in outing her as some kind of whore or prostitute to the parish. But we are talking about people that I see as my friends and family, and have for years! If I disappear from the parish, they will be asking why. It will be a sacrifice for myself and my entire family to do so. I don’t intend to move parishes, if it can be helped. I suppose I wouldn’t rule it out.

I planned to be discreet if I did talk to anyone about this topic in the parish office. I jwondered if anyone else had any ideas. I’m sorry but I had to give back story at all. I’m sorry that some of your responses caused me to feel dismissed and I ended up in tears. You need to consider that people come to a message board for information and also for support. You can give that support even if you disagree with them. You can be compassionate. This is a religious forum, and I certainly expected less preaching and more compassion.

Thank you very much to those of you who read my posts closely and crafted a response with careful words and compassion. I really do appreciate that. I’m sure anyone on this message board would feel the same. Thank you

I will take all of this under advisement and pray about it. I may do nothing about the situation. I may just pick up my cross and carry it quietly. In the end, I trust in the providence of the Lord, even though I can’t help but beg him to take some of this from me. He answers me with only one sentiment, that is to grow. I am attempting to do so.

I think there is a center course between one of you or she leaving the parish (which I’m pretty sure is not going to happen) and just offering it up. If you talk to your pastor, there may be options. He may, for instance, have some way to make certain she is not teaching any classes with your children in them.

She may be sexually aggressive, but she may also be trying to pick her own life up and move on from some very self-centered decisions that she regrets and has no wish to repeat. Whichever the case, the typical parish reality is that all comers are welcome and anyone who hasn’t embezzled money, driven a vehicle while intoxicated, attempted to get inappropriate with any kids or committed any other felonies will probably be welcomed as a volunteer.

I hope the Lord does take some of this from you!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I don’t think it’s presumptuous at all. I would question why a person with this history would WANT to stay there and make the other family’s life miserable.
She has already demonstrated that she doesn’t care a bit about the other family.
I think a person should not be run out of a parish because a person had an affair with her husband. Why should the wronged person leave her parish home?
As a DRE, if I found this out, I would find something else for this person to do if she remained there. She could keep the attendance records, work in the office making copies, anything but teaching. It’s doubtful she is a certified catechist anyway. We require certification. But she wouldn’t be in front of children, particularly the children of her former lover.
I can’t believe everyone thinks this is just peachy.

Nobody should be “running anybody out” of a parish. Both should stay and receive sacraments. Whether a person who has had an affair like this (husband or other woman) should be permitted to serve in governance or teaching positions is a separate issue and one that can be discussed with pastor and/or DRE, but a Catholic should be able to receive sacraments at any Catholic parish and not feel forced to stay away from Mass and sacraments because some personal situation happened in the past.

Also, we are only getting OP’s side of the story here. We don’t know anything about the other lady’s side. For all we know she could have a past history that made her vulnerable, or the now-contrite husband might have pursued her. We don’t know if it’s easy for her to just up and go to some other parish; maybe she has good reasons for wanting to attend where she does. Maybe she has confessed and repented but doesn’t feel she should have to hide under a rock or wear a scarlet letter forever while the other party to the sin goes about his normal business at the church.

This situation is obviously not just “peachy” for anyone involved, but Catholic parishes are not like some Protestant churches I read about where if you anger some longtime pillar of the local church, you get a call or letter telling you not to come back to services. We are supposed to be inclusive. That means both parties should be welcome. Sit on opposite sides of the room if necessary but nobody gets booted from attending Mass.

 

[oldgraymare2]

My husband ended an extra-marital affair almost a year ago after I saw him texting and the secrets started coming out. We have been working through the difficult process of rebuilding our marriage, and he has always acknowledged his culpability and not blamed the other woman. We have done a lot of difficult work and counseling. Forgiveness has been given and I am committed to our marriage (as is he, 100%). He has been very loving, has grown, and is supportive of my healing.

Brief history: She was a co-worker who then began attending our church with her family right at the beginning of all the flirtation. Our marriage was in a “for worse” phase, with our fifth child being about three months old (and having been quite an upheaval for our family, where our oldest is 17). My husband was working all the time, genuinely liked his new co-worker and was trying to show her the ropes, lead her back to her faith, etc. It turned into way too much attention giving and receiving. Couple that with the super stressful environment of our marriage and he made many awful decisions which stretched across eight months of time.

All this time she and her children (occasionally her non-Christian husband) often sat across the parish from us. I thought she was no threat to my marriage. Thought she had a crush on him, but he would NEVER. I was wrong, obviously.

Upon my discovery, I sent her one text, asking for the decency that she stay away from my children and family. I asked her point blank to not come back there to what I consider my parish home. In the past year her family have been sometime attenders there, without it being a horrible experience for me. It’s a distraction and something I wish wouldn’t happen, but I’m a mature adult. Her husband is aware of the facts as well, by the way.

Last week I saw that she is running for parish council and describes herself as a CCD teacher. I am horrified at the idea of my children ever being in her charge. I am disturbed and angry at the thought of her in advisory role to our semi-retired priest. What the heck can I do? Is it best just to suck it up and be quiet?

This parish is my home parish since I was eight years old. My children’s godparents are all there, were baptized there, and we were married there. We attend every weekend, have always been very active, including my husband’s and my own service on parish council, lector, RCIA, etc. My family (relations) live many hours away, so these people are like a second family to me. They do NOT know about the affair, aside from two parishioners my husband and I each sought advice from.

If I go “call a spade a spade,” as I promised her I would in that one communication a year ago (if she forced my hand), then my children and my parish family will suffer the burden of knowing about this scandalous matter. It will hurt and disappoint many people. Perhaps that is necessary, but I feel protective - of myself, maybe so too. We are a couple many have singled out over these many years as “having it together” and people to look up to. Disappointing them will be painful. It will change relationships and cause my husband much hurt as well. And for what? Will it even change anything?

I’m sure this woman would proclaim, “I have just as much right to be here as he does!” And that may be so. It’s just beyond narcissistic for her to act as though my history here and our relationships with parishioners are anywhere on the same plane as hers.

Besides, be here all you want. There are three masses and I can handle the minor distraction of you across the church. But elevating yourself to parish council and teacher???

I will NOT under any circumstances allow her to be in charge of my children. I suppose I’m going to have to out the situation as least to the DRE or CRE on that front.

We have a small parish, by the way. This is a rural community, very small Catholic population. Parish is about 180 families, with only half of that active in any capacity.

My husband is just sick about it. Apologetic and so sad at what he has brought to my heart to bear. He says he will support me, whatever I think should be done. He has offered to go meet with the deacon or priest, or whatever. I really don’t know what to do.

I pray about this. God says, “Grow.” That’s all I get. Novenas, prayers, crying out in my awful moments of weeping. What should I do? Nothing? Trust the Holy Spirit? Give light to the truth of this situation? Trust my parish family? It’s really just another awful consequence of this sin that’s already caused so much heartache.

Hi LouiseDM,

I’m so very sorry that this situation has happened.

I would definitely go and talk to your pastor in private, as well–both you and your husband.

One thing that I can personally tell you from serving parishes in a volunteer capacity in several different ways, is that you have to be a current and actively practicing Catholic parishioner in good standing with the parish. That’s how it was when I was a parish volunteer.

It’s like the others have already said in their posts in this thread, here.

I’m not trying to sound judgmental, either. :hug1:

I can only imagine the awkwardness that this has created.

When you’re serving the parish in any capacity, you’re–as in “anyone”–representing your parish to the whole community at large, as well.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would definitely go and talk to your pastor in private, as well.

One thing that I can personally tell you from serving parishes in a volunteer capacity in several different ways, is that you have to be a current and actively practicing Catholic parishioner in good standing with the parish.

It’s like the others have already said in their posts in this thread, here.

I’m not trying to sound judgmental, either.

When you’re serving the parish in any capacity, you’re–as in “anyone”–representing your parish to the whole community at large, as well.

Yes. The pastor might talk the woman privately and tell her that she cannot teach the children of the fellow parishioner she had an affair with, and then ask her how they’re going to deal with that. You just don’t know. I think he would be sympathetic to the parishioner trying to put her marriage back together. It is not as if there is a right to serve in the parish in any capacity, let alone some particular capacity. He won’t ask a parishioner to change parishes, though. I cannot see that happening.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Yes. The pastor might talk the woman privately and tell her that she cannot teach the children of the fellow parishioner she had an affair with, and then ask her how they’re going to deal with that. You just don’t know. I think he would be sympathetic to the parishioner trying to put her marriage back together. It is not as if there is a right to serve in the parish in any capacity, let alone some particular capacity. He won’t ask a parishioner to change parishes, though. I cannot see that happening.

Hi Easter Joy,

This is “why” I would talk to him as well, if it were me…

So that I could receive some counsel from him.

This must be a heart-wrenching situation to be in, as well.

God bless you, LousieDM. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

May God bless you in this difficult time for all of you.