Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage. We have been married 21 years so I am still learning.
- Common values. Starting as Catholics is a good beginning as most values will be similar. However you should talk about and agree on children; in-laws interference (solidarity); politics (if you don’t agree then ignore; not worth the candle) ; sexual rights and understandings; property rights etc.
- Financial. I suggest a common bank account but that is up to you. Everything I own is my wife’s and vice versa. Spending limits without consultation should be discussed. Budgets are essential. Do them together. Set up wills as any prior wills will be dead on marriage. Enduring powers of attorney should be discussed and set up. Trust no one but your spouse and sometimes, your parents. (I am a lawyer…you get that way.) Allow for the birth of children in your wills.
- Emotions. The first blush of love and cortisone soon disappears in the day to day. Therefore your love for each other must be above these and become acts of the will. This is true for a long marriage. Often the little cute things about your spouse becomes an irritation and you will find compromise; forgiveness and memory loss essential tools in your marriage. Hang on to each other as if there is no tomorrow without them. Find space when you need it and agree on that space as allowable and no slur on your love.
4 Children. Agree on the rules of child raising, discipline, setting limits, schooling, even number, however that is best left to God. Set aside savings in your budget as the little b’s are expensive. Always stay a united front before your children. Agree on a course of action and don’t let them blackmail with “Mummy said I could…” or worse “Daddy said I could dive from right up there…”
5 Loyalty. Trust is a gem that can be lost forever. Never should either one of you give cause to worry on that front. You are one against the world. Stand back to back even if you doubt the wisdom of your spouse’s public position on an issue.
6 Protection of the family. Your family will be the only thing worth fighting for in the long term. The husband must be willing to die for their wife and children. Stand behind him in the bad times. My wife and I never had a minute in the last two decades where we did not know where the other was and was safe. Same with the kids.
7 Bad times. Be there without hesitation. Better if you don’t grizzle about it but you can’t expect miracles. I am on oxygen 24/7 now and my wife does far more than she ever has to look after me after all these years when I was the strong one who supported her and our son. It is hard for a proud man to be weak before his family. Understand the feelings of your spouse before they talk about it, ( as most men won’t) and find the courage not to nag. Remember if you ask a man to do something he will do it; you don’t need to raise it every six months…
8 Prayer life. Pray together every night if you can. Always end your children’s day with reading to them and a short pray. The rosary is a good communal prayer when they get older but this is expecting miracles.
9 Compromise, little acts of unexpected love, compromise, statements of love everyday with small simple caresses to show they are special in day to day situations can keep the romance going. However feelings change, mature, sometimes seem stale and need a change of scene to re-invigorate them. However the acts of will that cement the love never needs a repaint. It is of solid gold like your rings.
May you have a happy and holy marriage and place it before Mary to protect it as she protected her only Son.
