Advice for engaged guy

[Kepha15]

OK, my dilemma isn’t so much of a moral one as it is a personal one. My fiancee and I have been seeing each other for 3.5 years, and plan to get married in less than a year. We’ve both read Christopher West’s “Good News About Sex and Marriage” book and enjoyed it. We are very firm in our beliefs about what is right and wrong physical behavior for an engaged couple. According to West’s book (and many Catholic leaders we’ve listened to), it’s acceptable for an engaged couple to participate in prolonged kissing (some call it making out), as long as it doesn’t lead to one or the other becoming “violently overwraught with passion,” to use West’s words.

That said, my fiancee loves making out. She often initiates it when we’re together, and while it never gets out of control, she definitely enjoys it more than I do. Maybe it’s a guy thing, but it just doesn’t do anything for me. It’s just not enjoyable for me. It’s not that I’m not attracted to her or that I’m uninterested in physical expression, either. I know I’ll be interested in sex when we’re married (heck, I am now), and I’ll probably enjoy making out then knowing that’s where it will lead. But for now, I’m content with showing my affection in other ways, such as back rubs, cuddling, etc.

Like I said, I don’t have moral reservations about it, because we know our limits, and it’s not that I’m not attracted to her. So my question, I guess, is two-fold. First, does anyone understand this, or am I just weird? And second, should I say anything to her about it?

 

[Trishie]

Under the circumstance I’d think your preferences for back rubs and cuddling is wise considering that you won’t be married for some months.

I can’t say I agree in the interests of chaste hearts before marriage that prolonged kissing is wise or condusive to purity of spirit…it has always seemed to me that prolonged kissing is both foreplay, and surrogate sexual relations. We are required not just to put the brake on, but to have pure hearts prior to marriage. Her liking for foreplay even if it goes no further, isn’t unusual as most females seem to prefer/sometimes require, foreplay whereas it appears many men don’t necessarily require much of it. You’re not weird, in fact fairly normal.

I can’t speak for your girlfriend or her intentions or anything else, just can say what I believe to be true.

God bless you both for wishing to maintain an engagement that conforms to God’s word and teaching. God grant you both a long and happy marriage.

 

[BamaRider]

Mmmmm. I can’t relate because I’ve always LIKED it.

On my way to becoming a mature man, I found out sex for ladies is mostly 95% between the ears, and kissing for women is a big part of that. I learned along the way kissing for most ladies is just as, if not more intimate then sex. I’m not tawking about the good bye peck on the check, but most here know what I’m referring to. Now that I am 50, I know why kissing is an important part of a intimate relationship. I’m speaking of course in the relationship of a marriage.

it’s a guy thing, but it just doesn’t do anything for me. It’s just not enjoyable for me

Does alot for me! But maybe I’m the odd one?

Now to the questions at hand-

First, does anyone understand this ?

I don’t understand why you’re not into kissing, perhaps because you know you can’t go any further? So ya kinda gotta mental block?

or am I just weird?

maybe?

And second, should I say anything to her about it?

Not if ya wanna get married. Just Kiddinng! Look it, she could know you’re not into it, because its kinda hard to hide, but that could depend on if she has anyone to compare ya to out of her past. If you’re her first bf she might not know something is not correct, or you could be a good actor, but its kinda hard to fake it. If I’m kissing my wife bigtime, and trying to listen to the ballgame at the same time, she’s gonna *know *it. LOL.

Perhaps some of the ladies can tell you more from the female side. Keep in mind the advice I give comes from a guy that LIKES it. You dunno what you’re missing. I’d tell but I’d get in trouble with the CAF police.

 

[thomfra]

That said, my fiancee loves making out. She often initiates it when we’re together, and while it never gets out of control, she definitely enjoys it more than I do. Maybe it’s a guy thing, but it just doesn’t do anything for me.

Maybe she’s just a bad kisser…?

 

[basilisk]

I think perhaps Kepha15’s “problem” is that he doesn’t like being continually frustrated. Let’s look at this. He is doing something that usually turns people on, which means their bodies are getting ready to have sex. But he knows that that is not where it will go, and he doesn’t want it to go there, as he is waiting for marriage. So to do the leadup activity over and over again without the “payoff” (forgive my crudity) would lead to a great deal of frustration. Perhaps in defense against this, his mind is just shutting down his body during these encounters. The power of the mind over the body is amazing.

 

[FrenchGwen]

when DH and I were not married yet, he liked kissing, but I too was the one who was most into it: kissing turns him on, but it to him it’s not much pleasurable in itself…

I’m not from the school who thinks heavy kissing before marriage is bad; so I would say: if you don’t get too tempted by it, then go along, because it jst may be your fiancée’s love language, and you would have no reason to deprive her of that… as long as you’re sure it’s not your fiancée who’s getting tempted

 

[BamaRider]

I think perhaps Kepha15’s “problem” is that he doesn’t like being continually frustrated. Let’s look at this. He is doing something that usually turns people on, which means their bodies are getting ready to have sex. But he knows that that is not where it will go, and he doesn’t want it to go there, as he is waiting for marriage. So to do the leadup activity over and over again without the “payoff” (forgive my crudity) would lead to a great deal of frustration. Perhaps in defense against this, his mind is just shutting down his body during these encounters. The power of the mind over the body is amazing.

This makes as much sense as any.

 

[damooster]

Have you tried telling your girlfriend how you feel? Maybe after talking to her, you’ll get a better idea of how you both feel.

 

[SarahR]

I could relate. Different kissing style, perhaps? Some styles “do it” for one person and not another. An ex was a sloppy kisser, he really enjoyed it but it didn’t do anything for me .

Not enough info to decide if you’re weird or not

 

[frankblahnik]

I too am an engaged guy, but my advice might be a little skewed because I didn’t start being chaste until after we were engaged. It’s like we already opened the presents before Christmas, and now we are trying to wrap them back up before mom and dad finds out (even though they already know). Anyway, my advice would be not to say anything to her, but to wait for her to bring it up. Maybe you could hold back a little during your make out session, and she might be like “is something wrong”, and then you could say something like “I just don’t want to get too turned on before we are married. You’re passionate kissing could get me really hot” or something like that.

I truely respect and admire your decision to wait until marriage. Way to go!

 

[shannyk]

On my way to becoming a mature man, I found out sex for ladies is mostly 95% between the ears, and kissing for women is a big part of that. I learned along the way kissing for most ladies is just as, if not more intimate then sex. I’m not tawking about the good bye peck on the check, but most here know what I’m referring to. Now that I am 50, I know why kissing is an important part of a intimate relationship. I’m speaking of course in the relationship of a marriage.

Dang.

 

[Rach620]

No, you’re not weird.

My husband and I dated for 3.5 years before we were married in August, and your post reminds me of us when we were engaged. You’ll make it through! We are SO glad that we waited, so kudos to you both for making that commitment to chastity.

Anyways…We made out quite a bit, actually, while we were engaged, and developed very clear boundaries. Kissing can be more arousing for women, so there is really nothing better than just talking to your fiancee about how she feels about it. Sex, arousal, etc. are all things you guys should be getting comfortable talking about, and this would be a good way to start that conversation. Sometimes it’s silly how we as humans can DO these things but feel so awkward talking about them!

Also, another bit of advice–the Sacraments are your friends, especially Confession and Mass together.

 

[dulcissima]

Mmmmm. I can’t relate because I’ve always LIKED it.

On my way to becoming a mature man, I found out sex for ladies is mostly 95% between the ears, and kissing for women is a big part of that. I learned along the way kissing for most ladies is just as, if not more intimate then sex. I’m not tawking about the good bye peck on the check, but most here know what I’m referring to. Now that I am 50, I know why kissing is an important part of a intimate relationship. I’m speaking of course in the relationship of a marriage.

Does alot for me! But maybe I’m the odd one?

Now to the questions at hand-

I don’t understand why you’re not into kissing, perhaps because you know you can’t go any further? So ya kinda gotta mental block?

maybe?

Not if ya wanna get married. Just Kiddinng! Look it, she could know you’re not into it, because its kinda hard to hide, but that could depend on if she has anyone to compare ya to out of her past. If you’re her first bf she might not know something is not correct, or you could be a good actor, but its kinda hard to fake it. If I’m kissing my wife bigtime, and trying to listen to the ballgame at the same time, she’s gonna *know *it. LOL.

Perhaps some of the ladies can tell you more from the female side. Keep in mind the advice I give comes from a guy that LIKES it. You dunno what you’re missing. I’d tell but I’d get in trouble with the CAF police.

This is all very true. I think kissing is much more intimate than sex. The way I am looking at this is that if someone isn’t interested in kissing, he probably is holding back emotionally.

 

[Rach620]

This is all very true. I think kissing is much more intimate than sex. The way I am looking at this is that if someone isn’t interested in kissing, he probably is holding back emotionally.

I wouldn’t go that far…DH and I are very emotionally and spiritually connected, and I know he has told me that he’s not *as *interested in kissing as other intimacy. And I personally wouldn’t say that kissing is more intimate than sex, but to each his/her own…

 

[Kepha15]

I think perhaps Kepha15’s “problem” is that he doesn’t like being continually frustrated. Let’s look at this. He is doing something that usually turns people on, which means their bodies are getting ready to have sex. But he knows that that is not where it will go, and he doesn’t want it to go there, as he is waiting for marriage. So to do the leadup activity over and over again without the “payoff” (forgive my crudity) would lead to a great deal of frustration. Perhaps in defense against this, his mind is just shutting down his body during these encounters. The power of the mind over the body is amazing.

I think this post really hit the problem on the head. That’s exactly how I feel, because I used to enjoy it when we first started dating. But after doing the “leadup” for 3.5 years and knowing it won’t lead any further than that, it has started to take an emotional and physical toll on me. The weird thing is it doesn’t seem to have taken a toll on her. Like I said, I am confident I’ll enjoy it more once we’re married, but as for now, I dunno.

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful advice, and for not jumping to conclusions either! I think I understand the situation a little better now. It is a difficult subject to talk about…and we have briefly in the past, but I just kinda made excuses for myself when she senses I’m not into it (“I’m tired,” “long day” etc.). It’s not like some huge problem or anything, so I should probably just keep quiet and hope the wedding day gets here soon!

 

[chevalier]

The problem with kissing is that of itself, it seems so innocent, while on the other hand, it is capable of causing arousal when it becomes prolonged. That is something I am not at terms with. My highschool priest said once, kissing is fine to show feelings, kissing isn’t fine to satisfy the biological drive. Sounds like advice to follow.