Advice for friend (intimate question)

[Rachel126]

(if you don’t want to read about sensitive intimate matters, stop reading now).
My friend is having issues with her husband. Their marriage is good, but she recently discovered that he views porn and masturbates every night. He says he needs to do this in order to relax. She explained the Church’s teaching on this and he was not convinced. He says that “God understands” and he’s not that worried about it. He says he can’t “relax” at night unless he climaxes, and the only alternative to doing this would be for her to have relations with him every night. She thinks this is unreasonable, and I agree with her. They are in their late 30’s and have 3 kids. I completely understand she’s exhausted most nights. They have been using NFP because they are both in agreement that they don’t want any more children for now, and perhaps forever, as they have their hands full with the ones they have. But she feels guilty, that she is responsible for his sin if she doesn’t have relations with him every night. He told her that he started this as a teenager, so it appears to be a pretty ingrained habit. I told her that he needs to find alternative ways of relaxing, and if he’s unwilling to do that, it’s not her fault. I also told her that I think it’s somewhat offensive both to her dignity as a person and the dignity of the marital act if he basically wants to use (abuse?) it on a nightly basis as a source of relaxation or stress relief (even more so since he doesn’t really want the many more babies that would certainly come as a result of nightly relations for her few remaining fertile years). Actually i’m probably not phrasing that right–he is perfectly OK with things as they are, he isn’t “demanding” it nightly, but she feels she should do that in order to prevent his “solo habits.” (I’m not even sure there is any evidence that this would work, he might continue the solo habits anyway). Am I telling her the right things, or am I off base? Is there anything else i should be telling her? I did suggest counseling but she said there is no way he will admit any of this to a third person.

 

[Joe_5859]

It sounds like you gave her good advice. Tell her also to bring this issue before the Lord in prayer. That’s where the real work of converting hearts is done.

When the discussion is framed in terms of a difference of opinion, it’s easy to hold onto those rationalizations we have built up in our minds over the years. I think it’s better to frame the discussion in terms of acts that he is committing that directly hurt her (make her feel objectified, make her feel guilty, etc.). She needs to let her husband know that his “solo habits” hurt her. It’s not a victimless act. It’s much more difficult to hold on to those rationalizations when confronted with the stark reality that you are hurting the person you love rather than simply disagreeing.

Perhaps she can point him towards an online resource like the Breaking Free blog or the My House Initiative. Perhaps looking at some of the statistics will help open his eyes to the reality that his behavior is harming his soul, his marriage, and his children.

Are any of his children girls? If so, I would ask him to imagine that his daughter(s) grow up to be one of the women in those videos. Would he be okay with that? Why not if it’s just harmless relaxation? If all the children are boys, then ask him to imagine if she told him that she (his wife) made such videos before they were married. Would that bother him? Those women are someone else’s daughter. Maybe even someone else’s wife.

Or ask him to imagine one of his children waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and walking in on him in the middle of what he is doing. Would he tell them that Daddy is just relaxing and there’s no problem with it? If the children are boys, does he plan on pointing them towards all the best porn sites once they hit puberty so that they can similarly “relax”?

Maybe I’m getting too snarky. I can completely understand the temptation that all this poses to men. But it really bothers me to hear of guys who – when they are found out – shrug it off as no big deal. This should be the moment when guilt and remorse come flooding into his soul. Not the moment to make his wife feel guilty as though it were her fault.

 

[anonymous_in_fl]

Sounds as if the gentleman has a sexual addiction (compulsive masturbation,
Pornography). He needs professional help. And the wife needs counseling for support in dealing with the husband’s addiction.

They should not only seek professional spiritual advice (priest) but also professional psychological advice (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist).

 

[Allegra]

There is no way I would be even the least bit accepting of my husband maturbating on a nightly basis to pictures of other women. I can’t imagine my husband even attempting to put responsibility for this sickness on me, but then again people who are addicted tend to do that sort of thing. He’d be standing on the curb with a stinging jaw, trying to figure out what happened.

Frankly, I think this situation merits tough love. Before the sun sets, before dinner is on the table, before the TV show was over, before any conversation is to take place, the porn should be destroyed and he should have an appointment with a counselor specializing in sexual addiction. This situation is not understandable and under no circumstances is it acceptable. Anything less than this would result in me and three kids going on a trip to grandma’s house. I would not return until those conditions were met and it was understood that this sick, disrespectful, and adulterous behavior was not going to be tolerated.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

The facts I gleaned from this story, at least as I interpreted them:

-He is masturbating and using pornography
-He desires sex nearly every night
-She hardly desires sex at all. Partly because she just doesn’t have the same drive as he does and partly because she’s tired
-He speaks of a desire to reduce stress as one of the causes

My conclusions:

1. Without a doubt, he is sinning.
2. And he needs help.
3. It is not her “fault.”

Those 3 points are the most important. However, they are clear and, as such, I see no need to waste too much time talking further about them.

So let’s look at some of the other aspects of this. We need to call him to repentance for these things, and for his part, he needs to be fully repentant and do what he can to heal the wounds created by these sins.

I say this respectfully, but I think that sometimes women may underestimate the sexual drive that a man may possess, they do not always understand the pain and frustration that can result for a man from prolonged absence of physical intimacy with his wife. It is like that old joke: a husband and wife go to a therapist. First the woman sees the therapist alone. She is asked, “how often do you have sex with your husband?” She replies, “All the time, almost twice a week!” Then the husband is alone with the therapist, and is asked the same question. He replies, “Hardly ever! Only twice a week!”

For the man, thus, it may be easy to think, “She’s not meeting my needs! I will turn elsewhere! To pornography, to adultery!” For the woman, thus, it may be easy to think, “We’ll have sex, but only when I please, and if that’s not enough for him, tough luck!” Reject these two notions!!!

It is clear that this man has an extremely high sex drive, and his wife has a much lower sex drive. I think in such cases, it is vitally important for the man to control and contain himself and avoid sexual sin. But, likewise, it is vitally important for the woman to recognize her husband’s struggles and be willing to have more sex than she would otherwise.

Each are called to love each other, and that means sometimes stepping out of comfortable situations: for the man (or whichever has the higher sex drive), that means less sex than he would like, for the woman (or whichever has the lower sex drive), that means having more sex than she would like. They must extend to meet each other in the middle, out of love and charity towards each other.

With regards to the stress element, you say in your post that you said:

I told her that he needs to find alternative ways of relaxing

Which is true, no doubt. True in the sense that in the name of ‘relaxation’ or stress relief or whatever, he must not use these as excuses for sin.

Similarly, you describe the wife as “tired.” Well, she needs to get the “tired” thing fixed if it is reducing the intimacy she COULD have with her husband.

But I have a recommendation. While it would be nice if he fixes his stress on his own, or she fixed her fatigue on her own, perhaps a better idea would be to get them together to fix those problems as a couple? For husband and wife are made to be each other’s helpers, yes? So perhaps there are some things that he can do to reduce her fatigue, and perhaps there are some things that she can do to reduce his stress, and perhaps that will result in a little more intimacy between the two, and between all of that and prayer and repentance on his part, perhaps this problem can be resolved?

 

[Boswell]

Appears to be classic sexual addiction: trying to fill up a bottomless hole. I highly recommend he start with www.SA.com. Based on the 12-step program. It works…I know.
Also, find a counselor who specializes in sexual addiction. Again, this can be done through www.SA.com. It may take some tough love by the offended spouse, but they both can get through it if they want to do so. Continuing on this path is not acceptable, for all the reasons articulated by those who’ve already responded.

I will pray for peace and recovery for both of you.

Boswell

 

[lisagruen1969]

Thank you allegra for your dead on and concise post! I have to reinterate this:
for a husband to replace his wife with porn and masturbation is a moral sin, and the godly thing for the wife to do is put a stop to it immediately! Here’s where I separate from the others in opinion… Although the husband is alone in his sin, the wife almost always contributes to the perpetration of the sin, usually unknowingly. Go to scripture and read again what the duty of the godly wife is: to show honor and glad care of her husband for her love of God. If the husband has a need, whether is be sexually (needing to feel release nightly), emotionally, practically, etc. the wife’s obligation is to offfer loving and gracious attention to him. To list the reasons why it isn’t fun, practical, or gratifying for the wife to serve her husband is dishonoring to God. When you marry as a Christian, you agree to the terms of God’s covenant. This is it. Serving and ministering to your husband in obedience to God is your life long mission, and the kids take back seat to Dad’s needs. Do the kids need to help themselves more, help you around the home more, make their bedtime earlier in order to clear the time for you to minister and serve your husband?
Here’s my personal story - my first marriage was good, I tried to live a godly life, and we had issues with porn and my husband’s demands during sex. We ended up spending most of our 15 years having sex 1-2 times a week, and it was so exhausting for me that I avoided it! What I created was opportunity for him to be frustrated and tempted, which allowed times of desire with no outlet, hence the porn. This led, in time, to him being tempted by other women who couldn’t understand why his wife wasn’t meeting his needs! One led him over the line, which led to him abandoning our family in pursuit of the adultress. After a couple of years as a single parent, God brought me a wonderful man who loved to have sex often, and I can tell you that I accomodate him enthusiastically every night! The difference is this: nightly love making is shorter and less intense, especially if the wife forgoes the time and effort it takes for her to have orgasms to just once or twice a week. I offfer my husband myself willingly because God’s covenant with me requires that I do this. In turn, my husband is solely focused on Take care of yourself in order to be ready to greet and love him every day. Love God through your service to your husband… God blesses abundantly those families who have God’s priorities straight.

 

[madelynn]

Sounds as if the gentleman has a sexual addiction (compulsive masturbation,
Pornography). He needs professional help. And the wife needs counseling for support in dealing with the husband’s addiction.

They should not only seek professional spiritual advice (priest) but also professional psychological advice (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist).

I agree.

To those who mention men’s needs… it’s also possible for a woman to have a higher sexual desire than her spouse.

 

[bmaj]

(if you don’t want to read about sensitive intimate matters, stop reading now).
My friend is having issues with her husband. Their marriage is good, but she recently discovered that he views porn and masturbates every night. He says he needs to do this in order to relax. She explained the Church’s teaching on this and he was not convinced. He says that “God understands” and he’s not that worried about it. He says he can’t “relax” at night unless he climaxes, and the only alternative to doing this would be for her to have relations with him every night. She thinks this is unreasonable, and I agree with her. They are in their late 30’s and have 3 kids. I completely understand she’s exhausted most nights. They have been using NFP because they are both in agreement that they don’t want any more children for now, and perhaps forever, as they have their hands full with the ones they have. But she feels guilty, that she is responsible for his sin if she doesn’t have relations with him every night. He told her that he started this as a teenager, so it appears to be a pretty ingrained habit. I told her that he needs to find alternative ways of relaxing, and if he’s unwilling to do that, it’s not her fault. I also told her that I think it’s somewhat offensive both to her dignity as a person and the dignity of the marital act if he basically wants to use (abuse?) it on a nightly basis as a source of relaxation or stress relief (even more so since he doesn’t really want the many more babies that would certainly come as a result of nightly relations for her few remaining fertile years). Actually i’m probably not phrasing that right–he is perfectly OK with things as they are, he isn’t “demanding” it nightly, but she feels she should do that in order to prevent his “solo habits.” (I’m not even sure there is any evidence that this would work, he might continue the solo habits anyway). Am I telling her the right things, or am I off base? Is there anything else i should be telling her? I did suggest counseling but she said there is no way he will admit any of this to a third person.

The advice given by the above posters is very appropriate. I would also add that your friend might also wish to join the women’s support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” It deals specifically with what she’s going through in her marriage, and it helped me tremendously in mine when my husband was going solo with porn also. Still helps me. Many people don’t understand how pornography can tear apart marriages, either temporarily or permanently, and how it can make people view just about anyone of the opposite sex with extreme lust - not only while they’re looking at the porn, but even in public. It also affects the marital embrace by the pornographic images that become ingrained in the brain of the porn viewer. They really can’t ever be “erased” from the memory. I’m sure satan loves it for all those reasons. It’s definitely not your friend’s “fault,” and communication between wife and husband is real important, too. Very hard to do, I know from my own marriage, but real important.
God bless you for taking the time to care for and assist your friend in this very difficult challenge, and I hope this info helps a bit. My prayers go out to her and all marriages suffering under the sinful scourge of porn.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Tell her to find statistics of all the negative effects of porn and to show it to her husband. You can tell him what the Church says and everything, but it won’t change his mind unless reality begins to set in on him. Matt Fradd has a video specifically for this problem, however:

youtube.com/watch?v=vhZtCsI1L4E&list=PL5FDE414F83CC0D05

Hopefully that can help you a little bit.

 

[severus68]

Thank you allegra for your dead on and concise post! I have to reinterate this:
for a husband to replace his wife with porn and masturbation is a moral sin, and the godly thing for the wife to do is put a stop to it immediately! Here’s where I separate from the others in opinion… Although the husband is alone in his sin, the wife almost always contributes to the perpetration of the sin, usually unknowingly. Go to scripture and read again what the duty of the godly wife is: to show honor and glad care of her husband for her love of God. If the husband has a need, whether is be sexually (needing to feel release nightly), emotionally, practically, etc. the wife’s obligation is to offfer loving and gracious attention to him. To list the reasons why it isn’t fun, practical, or gratifying for the wife to serve her husband is dishonoring to God. When you marry as a Christian, you agree to the terms of God’s covenant. This is it. Serving and ministering to your husband in obedience to God is your life long mission, and the kids take back seat to Dad’s needs. Do the kids need to help themselves more, help you around the home more, make their bedtime earlier in order to clear the time for you to minister and serve your husband?
Here’s my personal story - my first marriage was good, I tried to live a godly life, and we had issues with porn and my husband’s demands during sex. We ended up spending most of our 15 years having sex 1-2 times a week, and it was so exhausting for me that I avoided it! What I created was opportunity for him to be frustrated and tempted, which allowed times of desire with no outlet, hence the porn. This led, in time, to him being tempted by other women who couldn’t understand why his wife wasn’t meeting his needs! One led him over the line, which led to him abandoning our family in pursuit of the adultress. After a couple of years as a single parent, God brought me a wonderful man who loved to have sex often, and I can tell you that I accomodate him enthusiastically every night! The difference is this: nightly love making is shorter and less intense, especially if the wife forgoes the time and effort it takes for her to have orgasms to just once or twice a week. I offfer my husband myself willingly because God’s covenant with me requires that I do this. In turn, my husband is solely focused on Take care of yourself in order to be ready to greet and love him every day. Love God through your service to your husband… God blesses abundantly those families who have God’s priorities straight.

A wife is not in a marriage just to satisfy her husband’s wants and urges. Where is the unitive aspect then?

The OP’s friend is not at all responsible for her husband’s porn and masturbation addiction…

 

[Walking_Home]

Thank you allegra for your dead on and concise post! I have to reinterate this:
for a husband to replace his wife with porn and masturbation is a moral sin, and the godly thing for the wife to do is put a stop to it immediately! Here’s where I separate from the others in opinion… Although the husband is alone in his sin, the wife almost always contributes to the perpetration of the sin, usually unknowingly. Go to scripture and read again what the duty of the godly wife is: to show honor and glad care of her husband for her love of God. If the husband has a need, whether is be sexually (needing to feel release nightly), emotionally, practically, etc. the wife’s obligation is to offfer loving and gracious attention to him. To list the reasons why it isn’t fun, practical, or gratifying for the wife to serve her husband is dishonoring to God. When you marry as a Christian, you agree to the terms of God’s covenant. This is it. Serving and ministering to your husband in obedience to God is your life long mission, and the kids take back seat to Dad’s needs. Do the kids need to help themselves more, help you around the home more, make their bedtime earlier in order to clear the time for you to minister and serve your husband?
Here’s my personal story - my first marriage was good, I tried to live a godly life, and we had issues with porn and my husband’s demands during sex. We ended up spending most of our 15 years having sex 1-2 times a week, and it was so exhausting for me that I avoided it! What I created was opportunity for him to be frustrated and tempted, which allowed times of desire with no outlet, hence the porn. This led, in time, to him being tempted by other women who couldn’t understand why his wife wasn’t meeting his needs! One led him over the line, which led to him abandoning our family in pursuit of the adultress. After a couple of years as a single parent, God brought me a wonderful man who loved to have sex often, and I can tell you that I accomodate him enthusiastically every night! The difference is this: nightly love making is shorter and less intense, especially if the wife forgoes the time and effort it takes for her to have orgasms to just once or twice a week. I offfer my husband myself willingly because God’s covenant with me requires that I do this. In turn, my husband is solely focused on Take care of yourself in order to be ready to greet and love him every day. Love God through your service to your husband… God blesses abundantly those families who have God’s priorities straight.

---

Please stop giving non-Catholic “advice”.

 

[moon1234]

A wife is not in a marriage just to satisfy her husband’s wants and urges. Where is the unitive aspect then?

The OP’s friend is not at all responsible for her husband’s porn and masturbation addiction…

Having sex in order to bring the couple closer and end an unchaste habit IS UNITIVE. To reject that aspect of sexuality is selfish on the one doing the rejecting.

I think there is MORE to this than just him masturbating and the porn. Men who are rejected enough times in their advances towards their wives will eventually turn to porn and masturbation. The porn never says no, there is no rejection.

I am not trying to justify his habits, but I do think that there is another side to this story that is NOT being told. It should also be pointed out that sins that become habits can be very hard to break and the culpability for them can be mitigated.

If I were the OP I would OFFER herself to her husband WHENEVER he wants for two weeks. Anytime of the day. The only condition is that the porn must go and he can not masturbate. My guess is that the first three or four days will go fine and then one of two things will happen. Either he will be broken of his habit or he will revert to his bad habits. If he reverts then he is cornered and be talked into getting help as his wife can no longer be used as an excuse to continue these bad habits.

MOST men desire frequent sex with their wives to affirm that they are loved and wanted. After a time of frequent sex MOST men will slow their desires for intimacy since they will no longer feel like they need their wife to prove they will not reject them.

I say all of this to try and share what goes through a mans mind and how to use that knowledge to affect the change that you desire. I can guarantee with almost 100% certainty that an ultimatum to him to stop or else will NOT work. He KNOWS what he is doing is wrong, but men do not usually respond to ultimatums in positive ways, no matter who is doing the demanding. Give him what he wants for a time and see if it works. If it DOES then negotiate with him on a schedule for intimacy and STICK TO IT. If he KNOWS when he will be having sex with his wife, he will look forward to it and plan around it.

 

[Debora123]

Viewing porn is on equal grounds as cheating. I would feel completely and utterly betrayed if my husband did this.

She needs to explain this to him, and the behavior needs to stop.

 

[Walking_Home]

Having sex in order to bring the couple closer and end an unchaste habit IS UNITIVE. To reject that aspect of sexuality is selfish on the one doing the rejecting.

I think there is MORE to this than just him masturbating and the porn. Men who are rejected enough times in their advances towards their wives will eventually turn to porn and masturbation. The porn never says no, there is no rejection.

I am not trying to justify his habits, but I do think that there is another side to this story that is NOT being told. It should also be pointed out that sins that become habits can be very hard to break and the culpability for them can be mitigated.

If I were the OP I would OFFER herself to her husband WHENEVER he wants for two weeks. Anytime of the day. The only condition is that the porn must go and he can not masturbate. My guess is that the first three or four days will go fine and then one of two things will happen. Either he will be broken of his habit or he will revert to his bad habits. If he reverts then he is cornered and be talked into getting help as his wife can no longer be used as an excuse to continue these bad habits.

MOST men desire frequent sex with their wives to affirm that they are loved and wanted. After a time of frequent sex MOST men will slow their desires for intimacy since they will no longer feel like they need their wife to prove they will not reject them.

I say all of this to try and share what goes through a mans mind and how to use that knowledge to affect the change that you desire. I can guarantee with almost 100% certainty that an ultimatum to him to stop or else will NOT work. He KNOWS what he is doing is wrong, but men do not usually respond to ultimatums in positive ways, no matter who is doing the demanding. Give him what he wants for a time and see if it works. If it DOES then negotiate with him on a schedule for intimacy and STICK TO IT. If he KNOWS when he will be having sex with his wife, he will look forward to it and plan around it.

---

A man with a porn addiction – needs to turn to God – and Not turn to his wife and use her as his personal sex slave as a replacement for porn to overcome it.

 

[moon1234]

---

A man with a porn addiction – needs to turn to God – and Not turn to his wife and use her as his personal sex slave as a replacement for porn to overcome it.

You are thinking like a woman though. This kind of reasoning will NOT compute in his brain. Porn to a man does not equal cheating in his mind. For a man, cheating really only enters into the picture when there is physical contact with another woman.

I can be almost certain that in this scenario he is using the porn/masturbation as a way to please himself and NOT cheat on his wife in a physical sense. YES, these are wrong and disordered, but he is using them as an outlet because his wife is not available to him.

If you want to change his habits, then you need to change his perspective. As the original poster stated the husband sees no problem with what he is doing. He already is not having the type of intimacy with his wife that he desires so further rejection will most likely only make the matter worse.

Most people who have an alcohol problem will deny they have a problem or seem fine with their current situation. Yelling at them to go to AA has never worked as most will tell you. It has to be a decision on the part of the person with the problem to affect change. This is usually done by coaxing the person to go and recognize they have a PROBLEM.

I always fail to understand why having sex with a spouse when it is requested is seen as a burden or a problem. If you love the person and want to help them, then why not make a sacrifice and TRY? If you can end the persons sinful habits by fulfilling the marriage duty, how can that be seen as abusive?

 

[Debora123]

You are thinking like a woman though. This kind of reasoning will NOT compute in his brain. Porn to a man does not equal cheating in his mind. For a man, cheating really only enters into the picture when there is physical contact with another woman.

First of all, this is not true. The devout Catholic man who understands and obeys the Church’s views on sexuality will absolutely see porn as cheating. My husband does. Jesus said if a man looks at a woman lustfully, he has committed adultery with her in his heart. He didn’t say anything about men not being able to grasp this.

Saying that something “will not compute in a man’s brain” is insulting. Men are not animals. They are human beings with the capacity to understand God’s gift of sexuality and to make moral decisions.

I can be almost certain that in this scenario he is using the porn/masturbation as a way to please himself and NOT cheat on his wife in a physical sense. YES, these are wrong and disordered, but he is using them as an outlet because his wife is not available to him.

It doesn’t matter why he is doing it, it’s still cheating. Besides, if all he was doing was trying to alleviate some sexual tension, he could very well masturbate WITHOUT the naked women on the screen. But he doesn’t.

If you want to change his habits, then you need to change his perspective. As the original poster stated the husband sees no problem with what he is doing. He already is not having the type of intimacy with his wife that he desires so further rejection will most likely only make the matter worse.

Most people who have an alcohol problem will deny they have a problem or seem fine with their current situation. Yelling at them to go to AA has never worked as most will tell you. It has to be a decision on the part of the person with the problem to affect change. This is usually done by coaxing the person to go and recognize they have a PROBLEM.

Yes, this man needs to look outside himself and receive some help from a counselor/priest to overcome this addiction. He needs to be made aware of how damaging and disrespectful his actions are.

I always fail to understand why having sex with a spouse when it is requested is seen as a burden or a problem. If you love the person and want to help them, then why not make a sacrifice and TRY? If you can end the persons sinful habits by fulfilling the marriage duty, how can that be seen as abusive?

I agree that we must try to sacrifice for one another even if we don’t particularly feel like having sex. But saying that she needs to have sex with him so that he’ll just do it with her instead of with porn, IS abusive. He needs to understand WHY what he is doing is wrong, and he needs to develop a better understanding of sexuality before he can ever TRULY “make love” to his wife. Otherwise he’ll just be using her body to masturbate into.

 

[moon1234]

Viewing porn is on equal grounds as cheating. I would feel completely and utterly betrayed if my husband did this.

She needs to explain this to him, and the behavior needs to stop.

Emotionally for a woman it probably does feel like cheating, but to a man it is not seen that way. If you want an analogy then most men will feel that SAME rejection/cheating when they ask their spouse to be intimate and it is told no.

A woman needs to learn how a man’s mind works in order for her to affect the kind of change she wants. WHY is the porn attractive to him? What is it that is causing him to use it? I can guarantee you that the women in the videos/pictures hold no personal desire for a man from a relationship viewpoint.

Pointing the fact that what he is doing is sinning will probably not have any effect on him if this is a habit. The wife expressing her hurt, may have some impact, but if his sex life with her is poor already, he will probably just dismiss it and it may cause him to use this habit more if he feels rejected.

It is why I suggested that she bow to his request for a short period and see if that fixes the problem. If it does not, then the wife can no longer be used as an excuse and it will be EASIER for her to ask him to get professional help. I can guarantee you that if his sex life at home is all that he wants it to be (within what is permitted by the Church) he will come to view his habits as disordered.

I am sorry of that sounds outside of what many of the women feel is correct or acceptable. I offered it as a viewpoint from a male perspective on how women can influence men with this problem and attempt to get the outcome they desire.

 

[Walking_Home]

You are thinking like a woman though. This kind of reasoning will NOT compute in his brain. Porn to a man does not equal cheating in his mind. For a man, cheating really only enters into the picture when there is physical contact with another woman.

I can be almost certain that in this scenario he is using the porn/masturbation as a way to please himself and NOT cheat on his wife in a physical sense. YES, these are wrong and disordered, but he is using them as an outlet because his wife is not available to him.

If you want to change his habits, then you need to change his perspective. As the original poster stated the husband sees no problem with what he is doing. He already is not having the type of intimacy with his wife that he desires so further rejection will most likely only make the matter worse.

Most people who have an alcohol problem will deny they have a problem or seem fine with their current situation. Yelling at them to go to AA has never worked as most will tell you. It has to be a decision on the part of the person with the problem to affect change. This is usually done by coaxing the person to go and recognize they have a PROBLEM.

I always fail to understand why having sex with a spouse when it is requested is seen as a burden or a problem. If you love the person and want to help them, then why not make a sacrifice and TRY? If you can end the persons sinful habits by fulfilling the marriage duty, how can that be seen as abusive?

---

Now you are down to making condescending remarks. And frankly – the more you say – the more it comes clear – that it is concupiscence talking – when the “sacrifice” is expected to be one sided – to “service” the husbands carnal needs.

 

[Debora123]

Emotionally for a woman it probably does feel like cheating, but to a man it is not seen that way. If you want an analogy then most men will feel that SAME rejection/cheating when they ask their spouse to be intimate and it is told no.

A woman needs to learn how a man’s mind works in order for her to affect the kind of change she wants. WHY is the porn attractive to him? What is it that is causing him to use it? I can guarantee you that the women in the videos/pictures hold no personal desire for a man from a relationship viewpoint.

Pointing the fact that what he is doing is sinning will probably not have any effect on him if this is a habit. The wife expressing her hurt, may have some impact, but if his sex life with her is poor already, he will probably just dismiss it and it may cause him to use this habit more if he feels rejected.

It is why I suggested that she bow to his request for a short period and see if that fixes the problem. If it does not, then the wife can no longer be used as an excuse and it will be EASIER for her to ask him to get professional help. I can guarantee you that if his sex life at home is all that he wants it to be (within what is permitted by the Church) he will come to view his habits as disordered.

I am sorry of that sounds outside of what many of the women feel is correct or acceptable. I offered it as a viewpoint from a male perspective on how women can influence men with this problem and attempt to get the outcome they desire.

So wrong on soooo many levels. Please read my last post.