Advice for life time catholic that is just going through the motions?

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Johnny_Doe

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I was born and raised catholic. I’ve gone to church every Sunday with my family for my entire life, I’ve been through catechism and I’ve been confirmed and I am an adult full ‘catholic’ member of the church. I go to church every sunday and participate in communion, I’ve gone to reconciliation twice a year my entire life.

However, for all my life I have never been given the gift of faith. I’m not sure I’ve ever really believed, I’ve always just gone through the motions. I can’t imagine ever telling my parents or my family that I don’t truly believe, it would break my parents hearts and as much as I may not believe, I do believe in the values they have taught me (including the values of the church such as abortion etc.) and I love them dearly. I identify as a catholic, but I don’t truly believe. It’s easier for me to just continue to go through the motions and pretend than it is to tell them.

When I go to reconciliation, I usually just make up a convincing list. I’ve never truly confessed my darkest sins. When I recieve communion, I don’t really believe. I am just doing it, going through the motions because I have to.

I am not sure I would even say I don’t believe. I don’t know if I believe or not. I WANT to believe, I have always WANTED to believe, but I just have never have been able to. I would like nothing more than to be 100% believer and feel God’s presence, but I never have. When I go to mass I always feel like just another naive sheep taking part in the greatest trick of all, hiding my fears of death and the unkown behind a mask of religion. Thinking more that the presence of God is just placebo in people’s minds. (“it is right and just” chant…)… I do not want to turn this into a debate about religion and whether or not God is real. I guess I am just mostly seeking advice.

I’m not sure exactly what I’m asking, but I came here on the off chance I might gain some insight or advice on my situation. I feel like I am damning my soul to hell by continuing to take communion and go through all the motions while on the inside I am not believing or feeling the way I should or in ‘a state of grace’ or whatever. Continuing to go to reconciliation to tell a priest who I see mostly as just a nice middle aged man a list of convincing sins just to say I did it and went to confession. It feels wrong, even if it’s not real and I truly believed it wasn’t real, I don’t like being a fake, hypocrite, phony catholic… but again, I don’t think I could ever tell anyone in my family the way I really feel.

I have often considering telling all this to a priest during confession, but I read somewhere that the priest would kick me out of the church and make me no longer a catholic member, thus outing me as a non-believer or whatever to my family. I have always wanted to just be straight up with a priest and tell them how I feel and how I’ve just been going through the motions, but I’m scared of what could happen.

If you feel so inclined, please give me some (name removed by moderator)ut or advice on any of the above, especially the part about telling a priest and whether or not i would be ‘kicked out’ of the catholic church…

Sincerely,

Anonymous
 
Firstly, a priest is not going to kick you out of the church. Withholding during confession is a serious sin, but can be forgiven if you make a genuine confession with all your sins, including your previous omissions. You will essentially need to make a “lifetime” confession, as your previous ones where you omitted sins are not valid. Every six months is also not really enough for confession, I’d try upping this to once a month. I’ve heard at least one bishop say the same thing. I’d encourage you to go to Mass more often if able and study the significance of the different parts of the Mass. Also consider performing some ministry at the church, which will make you feel more like part of the parish.
 
Many saints went through period where their faith waivered so you are in good company.

Religion is something we all learn from out parents and/or our culture. Faith is something we develop on our own. So again you are in good company.

From a practical point of view: Develop a regular prayer life, read scripture frequently, get involved in you parish/diocese, don’t be afraid to talk to a priest about your concerns, don’t get feelings mixed up with faith.
 
My advice is to go to a priest and tell him what you told us here. That you’re struggling with your faith, that you’re going through the motions, that you have not made a complete confession and that you have been receiving Holy Communion. Make a complete confession- if it’s been so long since you’ve made a complete confession that you can’t recall everything in kind and number, then tell the priest you need to make a general confession and do the best you can.

It’s hard to confess- especially our deepest and darkest sins. It’s scary. It can be emotional. Do it anyway. You will feel SO much better afterward. It’s a huge weight off your shoulders.

Ask the priest, also, to guide you to strengthening your faith. And pray to the Lord our God just as the man in the Gospels with the sick child did- “I believe, please help my unbelief!” and ask God to help you.

Faith is a result of a relationship with God. You need to pray daily and read the Gospels to have that relationship. Try to commit to reading the Gospels for 15 minutes every day, and pray every day, even if it’s just a short prayer.

If for any reason you delay making a good confession, at least stop taking Holy Communion until you can make that good confession.

You are in my prayers.
 
AKDee said:
My advice is to go to a priest and tell him what you told us here. That you’re struggling with your faith, that you’re going through the motions, that you have not made a complete confession and that you have been receiving Holy Communion. Make a complete confession- if it’s been so long since you’ve made a complete confession that you can’t recall everything in kind and number, then tell the priest you need to make a general confession and do the best you can.

It’s hard to confess- especially our deepest and darkest sins. It’s scary. It can be emotional. Do it anyway. You will feel SO much better afterward. It’s a huge weight off your shoulders.

Ask the priest, also, to guide you to strengthening your faith. And pray to the Lord our God just as the man in the Gospels with the sick child did- “I believe, please help my unbelief!” and ask God to help you.

Faith is a result of a relationship with God. You need to pray daily and read the Gospels to have that relationship. Try to commit to reading the Gospels for 15 minutes every day, and pray every day, even if it’s just a short prayer.

If for any reason you delay making a good confession, at least stop taking Holy Communion until you can make that good confession.

You are in my prayers.
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I think this is a really good approach. Maybe there is a faith formation program or a retreat you could go on that would help awaken your faith once you get past this biggest hurdle of making a true and honest confession and a new beginning.

We don’t have to feel everything emotionally for it to be real - that could be part of what your struggle is - or it could be a dark night of the senses, or - lots of things, things which aren’t as uncommon as you might imagine. And as others have said, many of the greatest Saints have undergone similar trials. Just in the last few days I read a piece about how Mother Teresa had deep doubts for a long time, and those only came to be known about after her death. Here’s a link to it: aleteia.org/2015/12/21/looking-back-at-mother-teresas-dark-night/

As regards your family - you’re an adult now, so this process of taking ownership of your faith is between you and God and your confessor; if it would be awkward to mention any of it to your family, might upset them and you, there really is no need to bring it up.

Wishing you all the best as you go forward - there will be ups and downs but I and others will be praying for you. Please pray for us too - I do believe sometimes we are held up the strongest by praying for others and them praying for us. :grouphug:
 
hi johnny,

you are not alone in this, it is quite common for cradle cahtooics to learn the faith but not actually be properly catechized or evangelized

on the contrary, the priest would not kick you out if you sincerely went to him for help.

if you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? you seem like a young adult based on your post, are you attending college or university, is there a newman club of FOCUS that you can get involved in?

and the other posters are right, prayer is key and scripture reading is very beneficial. and if you have a hard time believeing now then ask God to help you believe it

take care and God bless, you can always message me if you have anyting you wish to discuss
 
Maybe your lack of faith is because you don’t truly understand your faith. You might consider going to RCIA and then take it from there wherever God leads you.

I would advise you not to receive communion for now until you have been thru RCIA.

Get a miraculous medal, have it blessed, and wear it. Everyday ask Mary for the gift of faith, understanding and wisdom. She is very powerful in helping one believe.
 
robertmidwest said:
Many saints went through period where their faith waivered so you are in good company.
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I’ll add this that I found on another thread.
Fr. Gallagher writes: “Spiritual desolation, seen from the standpoint of God, is a trial…. Without such consideration … desolation appears to have no meaning or value and appears to be simply an unhappy burden that leaves them disheartened and … may easily cause some measure of bitterness or … sadness and hopelessness… especially difficult to bear.” (p. 95.)
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But when one focuses on God, one begins to see that there is “a God-intended meaning in their experience of desolation. Once their darkness has acquired meaning in God, these persons gain new energy to resist and reject the desolation itself.” (p. 95.)
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So talk with your priest and let him guide you from the darkness you are in.
It is evident to me that you do have an underlying strength in your faith
if you didn’t you would have walked away long ago.
Faith is believing even when you don’t fully understand,
and (I might be wrong but) I think that is where you are at.
If it is, then talk to others about your desire to better understand your faith.

I hope and pray it all works out for you soon.
You are in my prayers friend.
:tiphat:
 
Most all relationships have really dry periods. So that’s not unusual. Emotions shouldn’t be confused with faith, if it is emotional engagement that is lacking. Faith is a reasonable response to the Christian proposal. Perhaps it would help to look into why Christianity has seemed so reasonable for so many for so long. I can’t imagine a priest “kicking you out of the Church” because you are struggling. Everyone struggles from time to time, and I don’t think a priest has the capacity to do that anyway. A good thing about the present time is that information is so easily available Catholic Answers has a wealth of material you can read and it is a reliable source. So is New Advent and Big Pulpit. These are just my ramblings gleaned from my own struggles. Blessings as you find your way.
 
My older brother is going through the EXACT same thing. In my experience, this is the number #1 thing it boils down to… how much do you pray?

By “prayer” I don’t mean just attending mass, or silently talking to God during a walk or a jog, but real knees to the ground, half an hour of silence PRAYER.

Faith is ultimately a gift. It is something God offers to us all the time, but it is up to us to accept. But we cannot accept this gift on our own strength, it must come from the grace of God. That is why prayer is so important.

I didn’t really start taking my faith seriously until I prayed a whole rosary meditating on the sorrowful mysteries. It brought me to tears the first time. Jesus showed me in that moment that he is real.

I know a priest once told me that a man came to him saying, “Oh Father, I have been having terrible doubts, I have no faith, I don’t feel God’s presence at all.” The priest replied to him, “Well, how much do you pray?” The man answered “I don’t” He told us that that is where his problem was.

So if I have concrete advice for you it is this: Pray the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary. Make a determined effort ask for faith. The fact that you came here proves that you still have it, and that you still believe. God will help you, you just need to let him.
rosary-center.org/howto.htm#loaded

I will pray for you too!
 
I am very happy you came to CAF for some advice. You’ve gotten some excellent suggestions.

My suggestions:

Be Honest and Honorable. It sounds like a priest is exactly what you need. You may want to make an appointment with him so he can set aside some time for you. Be Honest with him with your sins (even the darkest ones…he’s heard darker), about your doubts, and about your need for guidance.

Fake it 'till you make it! (This does not include receiving the Holy Eucharist). Think about what God has commanded us to do. Then do it. You don’t need to understand the why’s at this point. Just do it. Love your neighbor. Volunteer to help the unfortunate. Visit the sick. Feed the Hungry. Simple steps.

Allow yourself some time, daily, to tell God how it’s going and thank Him for the blessings you’ve noticed that day. Follow this up with about 5 minutes of silence and just listen. This is how we build a relationship.

So that’s my advice. You may not believe in God now, but He believes in you…always has and always will.

God Bless You.
 
Thank you guys. Thanks to everyone who responded so quickly and thoroughly to my plea for help. All of your responses helped me in one way or another, and I will take into consideration and try all of your suggestions. I’m really glad I came here, I’ll probably re-read your responses a bunch of times.

I just want to get this off my chest, I feel like I’m carrying around this huge burden. I will go to a priest and confess everything and tell him how I’m feeling. I just need to work up the courage first, as I have recognized that I am truly afraid of doing so. I don’t know why…

I will try praying for the strength to do it, as well as trying your other suggestions, and I will pray for all of you who helped me. I feel like I do believe, even though sometimes I feel like I don’t. I am very confused about my faith at times, perhaps if I can humble myself and genuinely pray for once I will get the strength I need to seek counsel from a priest. Mostly I just want to stop taking communion while I am in this state of mind. I don’t like doing that…it just feels wrong.

To answer one of your questions, I am 23 years old and I don’t think I’ve ever genuinely prayed like the way you guys talk about it. Just sunday services and eternal rest’s before meals.

Thanks again.
 
Johnny_Doe said:
I just want to get this off my chest, I feel like I’m carrying around this huge burden. I will go to a priest and confess everything and tell him how I’m feeling. I just need to work up the courage first, as I have recognized that I am truly afraid of doing so. I don’t know why…
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That huge burden will go away as soon as you make a worthy and complete confession. It truly will. You will walk out of that Confessional feeling like you lost 50 lbs.

Going to confession when you’re scared is a bit like ripping off a band-aid- just do it, and do it as quickly as possible. It’s not nearly as bad as you think it will be, and as I said- you’ll feel SO much better after you get it done.
 
The Holy Spirit has all the strength you need. All our strength comes from God. I know you’ll get the strength and courage you need. Saying a prayer for you.

God Bless You.
 
Johnny_Doe said:
Thank you guys. Thanks to everyone who responded so quickly and thoroughly to my plea for help. All of your responses helped me in one way or another, and I will take into consideration and try all of your suggestions. I’m really glad I came here, I’ll probably re-read your responses a bunch of times.

I just want to get this off my chest, I feel like I’m carrying around this huge burden. I will go to a priest and confess everything and tell him how I’m feeling. I just need to work up the courage first, as I have recognized that I am truly afraid of doing so. I don’t know why…

I will try praying for the strength to do it, as well as trying your other suggestions, and I will pray for all of you who helped me. I feel like I do believe, even though sometimes I feel like I don’t. I am very confused about my faith at times, perhaps if I can humble myself and genuinely pray for once I will get the strength I need to seek counsel from a priest. Mostly I just want to stop taking communion while I am in this state of mind. I don’t like doing that…it just feels wrong.

To answer one of your questions, I am 23 years old and I don’t think I’ve ever genuinely prayed like the way you guys talk about it. Just sunday services and eternal rest’s before meals.

Thanks again.
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May God continue to bless you! And don’t worry, going to Confession fears are something we all have. I’ve been having trouble getting my prayer life in gear as well as the usual sins of anger and such, and I had to practically DRAG my rear end into the Confessional this past weekend! :o I’m sure God and my Guardian Angel helped with some of the dragging, LOL. Remember that the devil doesn’t want us trying to return to God in any way, shape or form. So expect some resistance and just ignore it and stay on the path. A blessed Christmas to you. 🙂 :christmastree1:
 
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