Advice for on-line dating

[FriendlyFace]

I seem to have (finally) gotten over my ex-boyfriend extrahappy and so I’m getting serious about on-line dating. (I’m on AMS) Most of the guys on there are far away from me, and the one I like the most so far lives about 700 miles away. We went very quickly from messages on the site to phone calls, and I’m wondering how soon should we meet, and how often? What’s normal for a long-distance relationship? I’d appreciate any stories, advice, or book recommendations. I’ve never dated people I didn’t already know in real life, and I feel very unsure of how to proceed and what to expect. (Though I do know you should be careful and meet at first in public places. I am planning to be very careful.)

Thanks in advance! God bless!

P.S. I know some people on here prayed for me, and I really appreciate that too. Thank you.

 

[chevalier]

Wow, there it is. I was afraid there’d be no relationship thread and I’d have to go to sleep. I kept refreshing between Family Life and Back Fence without much hope or conviction but here’s one.

We went very quickly from messages on the site to phone calls, and I’m wondering how soon should we meet, and how often? What’s normal for a long-distance relationship? I’d appreciate any stories, advice, or book recommendations.

Cast the books aside. Make your normal. Do what you feel. It’s your life, not a student theatre. Write your role. Stand up comedy is the way.

I’ve never dated people I didn’t already know in real life, and I feel very unsure of how to proceed and what to expect. (Though I do know you should be careful and meet at first in public places. I am planning to be very careful.)

That’s normal. Women are just like business customers, they form their expectations at the after-sales stage. (Which means when drafting the complaint.)

But seriously, yes, be careful, but don’t fall into paranoia, either. The key is to separate precautions from suspicions mentally, which is a good Deputy District Attorney skill if you ever look for a cool job. Just because you need to put up some barriers and let go of them only gradually and just because you need to vet people a bit doesn’t mean they’re personally suspect criminals. It’s just statistics, the individual isn’t responsible for the fact you can’t initially let go of your guard with him.

Public places are good, though do remember to create some opportunity for conversations, not just consumption (of either food or films). Don’t overthink it but do use your head. Don’t stress. There’s no script. Talk but don’t rush serious conversations or PDA (or endorfins will mess up your logic circuitry). Stay sober. Dating, flirting etc. is a bit like alcohol, it gets you intoxicated and addicted if you don’t control the intake (or drink too much without knowing your reactions). Remember, there’s no rush, you aren’t working against a deadline.

Also, you don’t need to meet deadlines or pass expert dating checklists to be deserving of love or interest, so relax.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I have a friend that met a girl on a Catholic networking site (Much like this one). He was from Canada and she was from Indiana. They started talking a lot, and eventually they liked each other. They started dating, and they met in person for the first time ever. They knew then that they had to get married, so they got engaged and they’ll be married in July, I believe. That’s a pretty rare experience, so don’t expect this, but there is no rule for how many times you should see each other. You should see each other as much as is prudent. Don’t over-do it and break the bank, but at the same time you should see each other at least somewhat regularly, especially when you get very serious about it. Things like Skype are great for distances as well, and of course talking on the phone, which you already have done. Just remember that long-distance relationships are really hard. I don’t know from experience, but the same friend I mentioned says not being able to see each other is really difficult, and some people can’t handle the difficulties of long-distance relationships.

 

[chevalier]

I have a friend that met a girl on a Catholic networking site (Much like this one). He was from Canada and she was from Indiana. They started talking a lot, and eventually they liked each other. They started dating, and they met in person for the first time ever. They knew then that they had to get married, so they got engaged and they’ll be married in July, I believe. That’s a pretty rare experience, so don’t expect this, but there is no rule for how many times you should see each other. You should see each other as much as is prudent. Don’t over-do it and break the bank, but at the same time you should see each other at least somewhat regularly, especially when you get very serious about it. Things like Skype are great for distances as well, and of course talking on the phone, which you already have done. Just remember that long-distance relationships are really hard. I don’t know from experience, but the same friend I mentioned says not being able to see each other is really difficult, and some people can’t handle the difficulties of long-distance relationships.

Long distance relationships are especially hard for people who have a lot of free time, particularly spent home, looking at the other person being offline and all. It’s probably easier to take when a lot’s going on in your life than when nothing else than your relationship really is.

 

[MidnightSun12]

I tried a long-distance relationship once. She lived across the country and was a very strong Catholic (we met on Catholicmatch.com). We started with messages, and started using Skype after a few months and it definitely seemed like we had chemistry and a lot in common. I actually had myself thinking that she might be the one even before we met. After about 6 months I finally flew over for a meeting and she was a totally different person then what it felt like over the internet (and not in a good way). We went on two dates that were extremely awkward and the conversation didn’t flow at all like it did online. After the second date, we decided to call off plans for me to meet her family and I just flew back home. As far as awkwardness went, those two dates were two of the worst that I had ever gone on in my entire life.

All in all, the experience hurt a fair bit since I thought it was God bringing us together (when my employer unexpectedly sent me on a business trip across the country to the city where she was living after 6 months, I definitely thought this was a sign that God wanted us to be together).

I know this isn’t exactly an uplifting story, and I do know that there are cases where long-distance dating does work. I just thought I’d share my not-so-successful story since the bad experiences are sometimes the most useful.

My prayers are with you and the man with whom you are corresponding. May our Lord’s Will be done in both of your lives!

 

[khuldar]

I seem to have (finally) gotten over my ex-boyfriend extrahappy and so I’m getting serious about on-line dating. (I’m on AMS) Most of the guys on there are far away from me, and the one I like the most so far lives about 700 miles away. We went very quickly from messages on the site to phone calls, and I’m wondering how soon should we meet, and how often? What’s normal for a long-distance relationship? I’d appreciate any stories, advice, or book recommendations. I’ve never dated people I didn’t already know in real life, and I feel very unsure of how to proceed and what to expect. (Though I do know you should be careful and meet at first in public places. I am planning to be very careful.)

Thanks in advance! God bless!

P.S. I know some people on here prayed for me, and I really appreciate that too. Thank you.

I met my wife online & we married a year later. We only met face to face about 7-8 times and have nearly been married 5 years.

It can be hard but if it’s meant to be it will be just don’t force it. We lived in separate islands so seeing each other was hard but when we spent time together it was quality time.

Be careful of getting to attached too soon and letting the endorphin’s flow as has been mentioned already.

It can happen but the biggest thing i’d recommend it to get a friend you trust to give there opinion, someone who you can trust to be straight up with you.

God Bless

 

[Kelfa28]

I met my husband online…but the difference with us was the fact that we only lived about 30 miles apart.

But, he is in the military…so I do know what long distance feels like.

There are no rules on how often you need to see each other. My husband and I were separated by distance for at least half of our 3 year courtship between deployments and training and we made it work.

Skype dates are fun. Hubby and I would have “dinner dates” over Skype. Before Skype became popular…we’d call each other very often and talk on the phone for hours. My husband broke his flip phone just from overuse and I was riding off the rollover minutes I had acquired over the years…then the rollover minutes ran out and I received a bill that nearly gave me a heart attack…

Our first date was just dinner and a movie but we met in a public place. I had never dated anyone I hadn’t met in real life either…but the bar scene and dating the same guys from BIL’s group of buddies was just not working for me at all.
Taking my dating prospects online was the best decision I could have made. I managed to find my husband that way…

 

[SuperLuigi]

I seem to have (finally) gotten over my ex-boyfriend extrahappy and so I’m getting serious about on-line dating. (I’m on AMS) Most of the guys on there are far away from me, and the one I like the most so far lives about 700 miles away. We went very quickly from messages on the site to phone calls, and I’m wondering how soon should we meet, and how often? What’s normal for a long-distance relationship? I’d appreciate any stories, advice, or book recommendations. I’ve never dated people I didn’t already know in real life, and I feel very unsure of how to proceed and what to expect. (Though I do know you should be careful and meet at first in public places. I am planning to be very careful.)

Thanks in advance! God bless!

P.S. I know some people on here prayed for me, and I really appreciate that too. Thank you.

Several things to be aware of. I did on-line dating on and off for 12 years.

1. On-line dating is loaded with lies, scandals and even crimes.
2. It’s easier for both men and women to lie on-line. Even if you have a webcam or skype, you’re still only getting a fraction of the communication you would on a real-life date.
3. Don’t put up with extended nonsense. For instance, I’ve had a women who had kept 'asking" (a lot of times, they won’t ask directly but insinuate they need it, you’ve got it, and should give it) me for money (a sure sign of some kind of lie or scam) and another who asked me to call her but didn’t pick up her phone for a month and threw out all kinds of reasons----best friend died, lost phone in body of water, got in from work late ect.
4. Expect the unexpected. Don’t be surprised if you’ve talked to someone and you feel like you click and then suddenly BOOM! the date gets canceled and you are blocked. Probably happens more often to men than women, but it does happen.
5. If you’re not officially together, don’t be surprised if someone you are interested in is talking to or even dating someone else. Again, this maybe more common for women to do to men, but I’ve done it before because a) I’m paying for the dating site and want to the most out of it and b) don’t assume anything is a sure thing.
6. I don’t think real love happens on-line without meeting. I’ve had more than woman tell me this, including one in the second or third e-mail. No dice. You’re both kidding yourselves if you fall for this no matter how many hours a night you spend chatting.
7. People who are on-line the wee hours of the morning thier local time—either they work nights, are engineering students with a lot of homework or chances are, they are up to no good and don’t lead much of life. This one can be a little tricky, especially in the 18-30 year old range as a lot of kids do live at home, can’t find work are just bored, but nevertheless BE CAREFUL with this one!
8. Understand why people do on-line dating. I’ll bet you’ll get a lot of the “I’m tired of the bar scene stuff”, but truth be told I lot of women I’ve encountered on-line or who do on-line romance are divorced, depressed, or have some other legitimate mental illness. Sometimes, people are only interested in appearances and want someone from a far-off land who is different. :tsktsk:

As a person with Aspergers (very high functioning autism, if you will), it was a lot easier for me to do on-line dating because half the battle is just finding out if a woman really wants a relationship.

1. You may encounter people on a dating site who are engaged or married, and I would strongly suggest that you be very wary of them, unless they are inactive and are entirely professionally associated with the site in some manner.

There are people out there who are willing and able to cheat, cheat cheat.

1. As a guy, I would also advise you to be careful of guys who say they “just want to be friends”. Those with dating experience pretty much what it means in real life and the same rule applies on-line.

Same is true of men who are married/engaged on that site. I would say that more times than naught, they are interested in more but can’t bring themselves to communicate it or are thinking the only way to get close to you is to be a friend. The latter may not always be as deceptive as it sounds and it can progress naturally—but just don’t be surprised if one day that guy declares his feelings for you.

1. Don’t cut someone any special slack because “it’s on-line” or because “he’s different” and you like the attention. I can’t even begin to tell you how many women have gotten into trouble by making excuses on these two concepts.
2. If you’re not interested in someone who is initiating contact, it’s okay to let them know. As a guy, it was to know right off the bat instead of driving 200-1400 miles to see a woman who apparently wasn’t interested in a relationship after all, even if you’ve booked a hotel for a weekend or the week (yes, it has happened).

So how to proceed—there’s really no problem with meeting someone, just keep in mind what I’ve said. Also: I don’t see a big problem with moving from messages to phone calls to meeting. As long as you both are fine with it and don’t have any of the significant doubts I’ve listed, it’s a logical course of action, because the best way to communicate is in real life.

 

[FriendlyFace]

That’s normal. Women are just like business customers, they form their expectations at the after-sales stage. (Which means when drafting the complaint.)

Not sure what you mean by this…

But seriously, yes, be careful, but don’t fall into paranoia, either. The key is to separate precautions from suspicions mentally, which is a good Deputy District Attorney skill if you ever look for a cool job. Just because you need to put up some barriers and let go of them only gradually and just because you need to vet people a bit doesn’t mean they’re personally suspect criminals. It’s just statistics, the individual isn’t responsible for the fact you can’t initially let go of your guard with him.

I don’t assume someone I’ve met is a criminal, but I do consider men I’ve never met in real life to be strangers. He seems nice so far though.

Public places are good, though do remember to create some opportunity for conversations, not just consumption (of either food or films). Don’t overthink it but do use your head. Don’t stress. There’s no script. Talk but don’t rush serious conversations or PDA (or endorfins will mess up your logic circuitry). Stay sober. Dating, flirting etc. is a bit like alcohol, it gets you intoxicated and addicted if you don’t control the intake (or drink too much without knowing your reactions). Remember, there’s no rush, you aren’t working against a deadline.

Thanks for the advice. I was planning on taking it slow, and my limit is one drink. (I’m v. short, and I almost never drink…)

Also, you don’t need to meet deadlines or pass expert dating checklists to be deserving of love or interest, so relax.

I didn’t feel I needed to follow a certain timeline to be deserving of love, I just don’t know what to expect or what’s typical. I want to be prudent. Thanks again though.

 

[FriendlyFace]

@ATeutonicKnight Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I can see how long-distance could be tough. I just want to meet the guy already and see if we click in person!

@MidnightSun12 I’m sorry you had such a bad experience, but thanks for sharing! I do think it’s impossible to know how you really feel about someone without meeting them. That would be super disappointing though! Thanks for praying for me and the guy. I’ll pray for you too.

@khulder Thanks for sharing your story & thoughts. I would like him to meet my best friend if it ever gets serious. I trust my best friend’s judgement. I think that’s a very good idea.

@Kelfa28 Thank you for sharing! I just never meet devout Catholic men in real life. The only unmarried, somewhat eligible guy I know is Jewish, and I don’t really want to marry someone who isn’t on the same page religiously. Catholic guys are a lot easier to find on-line!

@SuperLuigi Thanks for all the cautionary advice! I would never knowingly date someone who’s married, engaged, or in a relationship. I’ll certainly do my best to avoid anyone who isn’t free to marry.

 

[chevalier]

Not sure what you mean by this…

Apart from the usual gratuitous diatribe, I meant to say that people don’t really come into relationships with their expectations up front. They go by trial and error. It is said that life first gives the exam and then gives the lesson, but people act the same way.

I don’t assume someone I’ve met is a criminal, but I do consider men I’ve never met in real life to be strangers. He seems nice so far though

Sounds reasonable.

Thanks for the advice. I was planning on taking it slow, and my limit is one drink. (I’m v. short, and I almost never drink…)

Yes, and just because it’s served in a tall glass don’t assume it must might a light long drink (Long Island Beach Tea would disagree with you). Or if it tastes like fruit and honey and all. And be careful with any sort of alcohol when you’re very tired (e.g. after a journey), haven’t slept, or haven’t eaten, or anything else to throw you off balance. I’m not implying that you could actually get drunk on a single drink in such circumstances but it’s unwieldy enough to be tipsy on an alien ground.

I didn’t feel I needed to follow a certain timeline to be deserving of love, I just don’t know what to expect or what’s typical. I want to be prudent. Thanks again though.

You do stress over normatives.

 

[FriendlyFace]

You do stress over normatives.

True. And I will be careful about drinking. Promise.

 

[MidnightSun12]

@MidnightSun12 I’m sorry you had such a bad experience, but thanks for sharing! I do think it’s impossible to know how you really feel about someone without meeting them. That would be super disappointing though! Thanks for praying for me and the guy. I’ll pray for you too.

Your prayers are much appreciated, thank you.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Ahh online dating. I am actually considering moving. I am also actually considering using a secular serrvice like “It’s just lunch” that is not online but states it will respect my preference. I am on a couple online sites - and I am sorry to say this but a) I am not doing the distance thing and b) I do consider looks important and c) I have not found anything that remotely resembles the combination of looks and personality. It has been awful.

 

[untruestory]

I’ve tried several sites and been on several dates over the past couple years from 30-400 miles away because I live in a very rural area. Here’s my two cents:

There are a lot of inaccurate stereotypes about online dating. I personally don’t see how online dating is much different than a random run in with an attractive person at a coffee shop or bar. Like in the physical world the location matters. POF is like an urban club- tons of people, a lot looking to hook up and a few decent folks there to have a good time. CM is like church- the quality is there but there’s not a quantity of singles.

There are many opinions on dating. I tend to like the old fashioned courtship idea but it doesn’t seem very practical. That is an entire subject on it’s own but I’ll say this. I’ve found it’s very helpful and revealing to spend time with both their friends and yours in addition to time alone.

Hope that helps

 

[FriendlyFace]

Ahh online dating. I am actually considering moving. I am also actually considering using a secular serrvice like “It’s just lunch” that is not online but states it will respect my preference. I am on a couple online sites - and I am sorry to say this but a) I am not doing the distance thing and b) I do consider looks important and c) I have not found anything that remotely resembles the combination of looks and personality. It has been awful.

I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t met with success. I definitely would prefer not to go on-line, but I don’t think I’m going to meet anyone in my area. I don’t live in a part of the country that has many Catholics. Sigh. I hope things work out for you in the end though!

 

[mary_bobo]

Online dating lets you see the person as he/she wants to be seen, not necessarily who he/she really is. I am not in favor of online dating.

 

[FriendlyFace]

Online dating lets you see the person as he/she wants to be seen, not necessarily who he/she really is. I am not in favor of online dating.

Yes, I think that’s why I’m in favor of meeting as soon as possible. I’m pretty sure neither of us really knows what the other one is like yet.

 

[chevalier]

I personally don’t see how online dating is much different than a random run in with an attractive person at a coffee shop or bar.

+1 and more. In “online dating”, you have at least the person’s own assurance as to beliefs, values, goals in life, interests etc. In a random run-in, you don’t even know if the person gets anywhere close to viable. (In fact, you don’t even know if the person is free to marry and capable of marrying validly.)

 

[Kelfa28]

Online dating lets you see the person as he/she wants to be seen, not necessarily who he/she really is. I am not in favor of online dating.

I do agree with this…it does happen.

The first date I went on with a guy who, based on his profile, was compatible with mine. The first date we went on told me otherwise.

We weren’t compatible at all. I went on a second date with him but nothing changed. We weren’t going in the same direction. He was older then I was but I could tell my maturity level was far higher.
He wasn’t someone I would ever take home to meet my parents.

So…I stopped dating him and I moved on and tried again.

The second guy I went out with is now my husband. We were perfect for each other and I would have never met him any other way.
Not through mutual friends, not at work, nowhere…unless we were lucky enough to run into each other at the same place.
(unlikely, since neither of us frequent bars and neither of us drink coffee).

Some people are genuine and are looking for love. There is such a huge pool of people in the online dating world that, I believe, it increases your odds of meeting someone for you.

I don’t know…maybe my husband and I are one of those lucky couples that they should feature on dating website commercials.

What I do know…is that, in all likely hood, I would still be very single if I hadn’t decided to expand my horizons and try online dating. My world was very small before I decided to venture out on my own and meet different people.