Advice for on-line dating

[Kelfa28]

Yes, I think that’s why I’m in favor of meeting as soon as possible. I’m pretty sure neither of us really knows what the other one is like yet.

Exactly.

That is what you need to do.

I never let it go beyond a couple of emails before I was looking to meet and go on a date. You can’t start seeing someone through email…it’s too easy to create an image that just doesn’t exist…whether it’s intentional or not. Some people add details and leave others out naturally…so you don’t get a good picture of who they really are.

After a couple of emails…my husband and I went out on a date…and that was when we clicked…big time.

 

[agapewolf]

“online dating” is a misnomer.

I don’t view meeting online any different than being introduced in person. In fact, I think its better in many ways because there is a profile-- and some sort of filter. Yes, people can lie. You can figure that out pretty early on.

But people should definitely meet as soon as possible. One starts to fill the blanks with the imagination when waiting. Once you meet, there is really no difference between having met by chance at the grocery store and meeting online, and as I said, you have some sort of filter first online

 

[SuperLuigi]

I’ve tried several sites and been on several dates over the past couple years from 30-400 miles away because I live in a very rural area. Here’s my two cents:

There are a lot of inaccurate stereotypes about online dating. I personally don’t see how online dating is much different than a random run in with an attractive person at a coffee shop or bar. Like in the physical world the location matters. POF is like an urban club- tons of people, a lot looking to hook up and a few decent folks there to have a good time. CM is like church- the quality is there but there’s not a quantity of singles.

There are many opinions on dating. I tend to like the old fashioned courtship idea but it doesn’t seem very practical. That is an entire subject on it’s own but I’ll say this. I’ve found it’s very helpful and revealing to spend time with both their friends and yours in addition to time alone.

Hope that helps

The one thing to keep in mind is that you’re only getting a fraction of the communication on-line as opposed to in-person, which naturally makes deceit easier.

It’s really the number one reason why people often find themselves (particularly women) unsure until they’ve had persistent, in-person contact.

 

[Ljrm18]

I definitely enjoyed reading other people’s responses.

For my two-cents, I met my husband through Catholic Match. We wrote/called for a little over a month, then met in person (he lived on the other side of the state, about 350 miles away), then after long-distance dating for about 5 months, he moved to my side of the state, where we began dating in earnest. We got engaged 2 months later and married 8 months after that. This was almost 5 years ago now.

I think while people’s caution is well-advised, in this world where it’s more difficult to find good Catholics who aren’t related (in my case), online dating is simply another medium to meet people.

 

[hcmusicguy]

This

Cast the books aside. Make your normal. Do what you feel. It’s your life, not a student theatre. Write your role. Stand up comedy is the way.

And this

Also, you don’t need to meet deadlines or pass expert dating checklists to be deserving of love or interest, so relax.

My wife and I lived 500 miles apart when we met on CM in mid-2008. As luck would have it, we had a perfect “by chance” opportunity to meet in person shortly thereafter. I moved in August 2011 to be closer to her. We were married in June 2012, and are expecting our first child this fall.

You just have to take it as it comes. If it’s meant to be, it WILL be!

 

[chevalier]

This

And this

My wife and I lived 500 miles apart when we met on CM in mid-2008. As luck would have it, we had a perfect “by chance” opportunity to meet in person shortly thereafter. I moved in August 2011 to be closer to her. We were married in June 2012, and are expecting our first child this fall.

You just have to take it as it comes. If it’s meant to be, it WILL be!

Making “chance” meetings happen is a useful skill to have.

 

[Pedro_1987]

The old fashioned way to date is so hard for Catholics. First off, you have to find a single person, who has never been divorced, which gets harder the older you get. Then, even after finding that one person, you have to hope they’re Catholic too. And you have to hope they’re saving sex for marriage. Oh, and on top of all that, they have to be compatible with you. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.

Online dating lets you see the person as he/she wants to be seen, not necessarily who he/she really is. I am not in favor of online dating.

I mean, you pretty much always have this problem with dating. Lots of people deceive who they truly are, and it can take months for their true colors to show.

 

[FriendlyFace]

I definitely enjoyed reading other people’s responses.

For my two-cents, I met my husband through Catholic Match. We wrote/called for a little over a month, then met in person (he lived on the other side of the state, about 350 miles away), then after long-distance dating for about 5 months, he moved to my side of the state, where we began dating in earnest. We got engaged 2 months later and married 8 months after that. This was almost 5 years ago now.

I think while people’s caution is well-advised, in this world where it’s more difficult to find good Catholics who aren’t related (in my case), online dating is simply another medium to meet people.

Yes, I’ve also enjoyed reading everyone’s responses. Thank you for sharing your story too.

It is really hard for me to find Catholics where I live. On-line dating gives me hope.

 

[FriendlyFace]

My wife and I lived 500 miles apart when we met on CM in mid-2008. As luck would have it, we had a perfect “by chance” opportunity to meet in person shortly thereafter. I moved in August 2011 to be closer to her. We were married in June 2012, and are expecting our first child this fall.

You just have to take it as it comes. If it’s meant to be, it WILL be!

Thanks for sharing your story and for the encouragement. It’s good to hear about cases where long-distance worked. I’m hoping it will work for me too.

 

[FriendlyFace]

The old fashioned way to date is so hard for Catholics. First off, you have to find a single person, who has never been divorced, which gets harder the older you get. Then, even after finding that one person, you have to hope they’re Catholic too. And you have to hope they’re saving sex for marriage. Oh, and on top of all that, they have to be compatible with you. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.

Very true. I’d even say it’s like finding a needle in a field full of haystacks.

I mean, you pretty much always have this problem with dating. Lots of people deceive who they truly are, and it can take months for their true colors to show.

True, and people tend to behave better when they are in love than after things have settled down…

 

[iwillrisenow]

I’ve recently decided to close my online dating profiles on CM and AMS. While I do believe that they offer a valid and valuable opportunity for many Catholics seeking spouses, for reasons that are particular to my own situation, they seem to do more harm than good in my case. Also, two words of caution to anyone considering them: shopper’s mentality. It doesn’t have to be outright objectification either…prayerful discernment at every step (including whether or not to hold 'em or fold 'em with your profiles, if it gets to that point) is your friend.

As for chance encounters, oddly enough, since converting, I’ve found that when it does happen, it happens with Christian (not always Catholic, but Christian) guys. Not sure why, maybe it’s the Spirit working…perhaps He will do so in your case too, Miss **FriendlyFace **

 

[FriendlyFace]

I’ve recently decided to close my online dating profiles on CM and AMS. While I do believe that they offer a valid and valuable opportunity for many Catholics seeking spouses, for reasons that are particular to my own situation, they seem to do more harm than good in my case. Also, two words of caution to anyone considering them: shopper’s mentality. It doesn’t have to be outright objectification either…prayerful discernment at every step (including whether or not to hold 'em or fold 'em with your profiles, if it gets to that point) is your friend.

Yeah, my least favorite part of on-line dating is the shopper’s mentality it can create. Right now I am just talking to one guy though, and trying to discern God’s will about it. Wish I could meet him, but I think the earliest we’ll be able to meet is 3 or 4 weeks from now. Sigh.

I’m sorry you found on-line dating more harmful than beneficial. I have to admit that I find it incredibly stressful. The only reason I persevere is that there just aren’t many Catholic guys in my area. Definitely wish I could just give up on the on-line thing and meet people at Church or somewhere else.

As for chance encounters, oddly enough, since converting, I’ve found that when it does happen, it happens with Christian (not always Catholic, but Christian) guys. Not sure why, maybe it’s the Spirit working…perhaps He will do so in your case too, Miss **FriendlyFace **

Well, I hope you meet a good Catholic guy. In my case the only guys I encounter who seem at all interested (which is pretty rare in any case) are atheists. I don’t really mind, but it generally comes out eventually that they would rather die than end up with someone who believes as I do. God bless you, though, and thank you for your kind words.

 

[chevalier]

Also, two words of caution to anyone considering them: shopper’s mentality.

True but that’s what you get when the place holds thousands of photo & data profiles. It would not be particularly reasonable to go random or first come first served.

 

[FriendlyFace]

True but that’s what you get when the place holds thousands of photo & data profiles. It would not be particularly reasonable to go random or first come first served.

I don’t think it’s entirely inevitable. You can choose to take the time to get to know people you talk to, rather than just saying, “Oh, this person has blond hair, and I like brown hair, so I won’t even consider it.” Or “Oh, this person is great, but he/she isn’t a vegetarian, so never mind him/her.”

Plus, AMS doesn’t really have that many guys on it… I’ve never talked to more than two or three at a time there…

 

[iwillrisenow]

I don’t think it’s entirely inevitable. You can choose to take the time to get to know people you talk to, rather than just saying, “Oh, this person has blond hair, and I like brown hair, so I won’t even consider it.” Or “Oh, this person is great, but he/she isn’t a vegetarian, so never mind him/her.”

Plus, AMS doesn’t really have that many guys on it… I’ve never talked to more than two or three at a time there…

True…not everyone possesses that mentality but it is something to look out for, both in others and in yourself. AMS might be slightly better than CM in that regard, though, as you mentioned, it is definitely a smaller community. Besides…you are really only looking for one person in the end and if you do meet that person through the site, the initial unpleasantness will quickly fade from memory.

 

[FriendlyFace]

True…not everyone possesses that mentality but it is something to look out for, both in others and in yourself. AMS might be slightly better than CM in that regard, though, as you mentioned, it is definitely a smaller community. Besides…you are really only looking for one person in the end and if you do meet that person through the site, the initial unpleasantness will quickly fade from memory.

I hope so. I have a lot of unpleasant memories though.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t think it’s entirely inevitable. You can choose to take the time to get to know people you talk to, rather than just saying, “Oh, this person has blond hair, and I like brown hair, so I won’t even consider it.” Or “Oh, this person is great, but he/she isn’t a vegetarian, so never mind him/her.”

On the other hand, with that approach there’s the potential problem of putting your eggs in many baskets and leading people on. And so, you don’t want to drive up hopes in people if the probability is low, and you don’t want to be in a romantic situation with several people at the same time. I believe the solution is to pass early.

…Which is much better than to pass after 1-2 meetings. In shopping terms, in the situation above you gave up on goods you saw in a catalogue, while in this situation here you’d actually be trying before buying–or chatting for a while with the sales assistant about his goods before moving on to the next shop.

And then there’s Investment Syndrome: you will become reluctant to withdraw after putting some capital in (beginning with your time and hopes). This is further augmented by a reluctance to disappoint people for whose hopes you are partially responsible, especially when they paint a miserable picture of it.

Now, on to blondes and veggies. If you should actually be put off by blondes (as opposed to simply never having seen one as a prospect in the last 20-30 years), then it would be a risky venture. On the other hand, sure, you can talk to a vegetarian if you don’t hunt or own a meat shop. (And if the vegetarianism is not connected with some influence of an eastern religion that you’d rather not be dealing with.)

Otherwise, skip. This isn’t some sort of sport or a competition, the notion of a fair chance to win whatever that other person might want to win, does not fit this context. Especially if you’re female, you need to realise that competition with some fair play rules is more of a men’s concept of dealing with the problem of attraction to the same woman than a woman’s (reliable) way of picking a man. (Only if you do run into a situation where you need to pick from two guys and it’s a difficult pick, then you should probably let their merits talk for themselves and perhaps give them a chance to prove their respective characters.)

Plus, AMS doesn’t really have that many guys on it… I’ve never talked to more than two or three at a time there…

I’d say 2-3 is already a lot. There’s actually more of a problem when you’re talking to 1 at a time and you need to keep him or pass on him, while he’s not your “practical ideal”. So here’s a piece of free legal advice: don’t settle too easily.

 

[iwillrisenow]

I hope so. I have a lot of unpleasant memories though.

I can certainly relate, as can many of us, I’m sure :hug1:

We’ve all seen what’s out there. It can happen to friends, family, even us. All I have to say is: prayer.

And “one”.

 

[Rence]

I seem to have (finally) gotten over my ex-boyfriend extrahappy and so I’m getting serious about on-line dating. (I’m on AMS) Most of the guys on there are far away from me, and the one I like the most so far lives about 700 miles away. We went very quickly from messages on the site to phone calls, and I’m wondering how soon should we meet, and how often? What’s normal for a long-distance relationship? I’d appreciate any stories, :

Just be careful, you just can never tell. I met someone online on this very site THREE years ago. In one of the very first few private messages he sent me, he asked me if I was ever married, to which I replied “no, were you?” and he said he had never been married but came close to it. Ok fine. We never talked on the phone, thankfully I had enough prudence to keep it to messaging here on CAF, emails and later Facebook messaging. I never gave him my number. He gave me his number relatively quickly. I never called him. Maybe about a year ago, he said he was going to be passing through my state on a road trip and wanted to meet me. I put him off because I just wasn’t sure. Something told me not to meet up with him, so I diverted him and just said I was too busy working and was just unavailable for followup chats. So I missed his pass-through.

Well after three years of flirting and chatting he had a hissy fit because I’m not a Facebook Freak and don’t have any pictures of myself online anywhere, including my Facebook. He claimed that he needed to see a picture of me because for all he knew, I was a dude, and that all his friends thought I was being dishonest about myself. It took a lot of courage and trust for me to send him that picture and I only did it because he said he had ‘crushed on you on and off that whole time’ and because I naively thought that 3 years of chatting online warranted a little trust. Ok, so I go ahead and send him the picture not really expecting much because it truly was an awful picture of me and was sent purposely to see his reaction. But the flirting and chatting became very frequent. Long story short, as soon as I started to take him seriously (like last week LOL) and thought we would at the very least be great friends if not anything else, one of my coworkers said: hey girl, you don’t know nothing about this dude. Why not google him and his phone number and just see if he’s married. I laughed about it. It was the silliest thing I heard. After all, there’s all these pictures of him on his Facebook, a whole life of pictures of him, his sister, his mom, etc. etc. Surely he revealed his true self on this Facebook, I mean, look at all those pictures and all those fun times.

Well girls, a simple google search revealed that there were “2 persons” living at his address and I asked him about it, and he lied lied lied. Said he lived there alone. I naively believed him and just continued chatting with him. Then coincidentally (I call it God’s Divine Intervention), the next day (yesterday) mom’s caregiver found this woman’s Facebook with the same last name and him pictured with her. I asked him who the girl was thinking quite naively that it was a relative since he has so many, and he flipped out on me and accused me of being creepy, weird and asked if I was stalking him. Busted much?

Later after more chatting, because I stubbornly did not want to believe he was a creep, he said the girl was “history”. He got all tore up (we’re talking some high quality drama acting) about how I was bringing back painful and horrible memories of a horrible time in his life. And after more pestering hours later (because I"m stubborn that way) said it was his “ex wife” and after more pestering he finally admitted that he’s not even divorced. Yep still married. The poor girl probably has no clue. The pictures of him posted on her Facebook were just posted days ago. There’s no trace of her on his Facebook.

So you can never tell. And let me tell you, this dude, when busted, laid it on REALLY thick as mollases about how weird I was, and how freaky I was, and how his little friends would check out my “quiet” Facebook over his shoulder and agree that “something was just not right” about me because there wasn’t enough of me on the Facebook and therefore it must be fake.

But in fact, he was the creep and worst of all was not only married, but had an absolutely ridiculous story about how he is separated from his wife but can’t divorce her because his conservative Catholic parents would just die if they found out. Course, I think they have more to worry about with this character, but that’s just me. I’m sure he’s had a grand old time tearing up their hearts all his life after puberty hit

The point is, I don’t recommend meeting someone online. For all you know they could just be a spoiled rich brat bored out of their mind and needing some attention. It’s such a waste of time. If I were you, and yes, there are good experiences out there, I would concentrate on meeting someone local. I think it’s difficult enough to meet someone locally and not be subject to their lies and deceit. But online, you just can’t tell…

And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of friends online that lived across the country from me and we actually met up, and they were real and they are still good friends. But boy-girl relationships…I just don’t trust online meeting. All these years I had been shielding myself from the very likes of him (bare Facebook, no private information out there) and wound up with him anyway. So please be careful and don’t hesitate to check him out to make sure he’s not lying to you.

 

[FriendlyFace]

The point is, I don’t recommend meeting someone online. For all you know they could just be a spoiled rich brat bored out of their mind and needing some attention. It’s such a waste of time. If I were you, and yes, there are good experiences out there, I would concentrate on meeting someone local. I think it’s difficult enough to meet someone locally and not be subject to their lies and deceit. But online, you just can’t tell…

And don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of friends online that lived across the country from me and we actually met up, and they were real and they are still good friends. But boy-girl relationships…I just don’t trust online meeting. All these years I had been shielding myself from the very likes of him (bare Facebook, no private information out there) and wound up with him anyway. So please be careful and don’t hesitate to check him out to make sure he’s not lying to you.

Wow, what a piece of work that guy was! Glad you avoided meeting him.

I would definitely investigate someone as much as I could before meeting him. I’m going to meet with a guy I’ve been talking to for a little while now, and I have found out as much about him as I could. So far what he says and what I can find on-line totally match up. But I think you are 100% correct that it pays to be very cautious. It’s not hard to pose as someone else or as an unmarried version of yourself on-line, and there isn’t a shortage of people unscrupulous enough to do so. Sorry you went through three years of that though. Wow.