Advice for Supporting a Friend

[EqualinHim]

A friend of mine is going through a rough time because her brother was recently sentenced to prison. I am not sure how to help her. I encouraged her to visit her pastor and am praying for her/her family. I’m also going to see if I can get someone to visit her brother in prison from her church or my church. I’m really not sure what else to do. Has anyone on this board ever faced this situation? I am going through RCIA, but the family is firmly protestant. They are southern baptist. Her brother is being held on drug and theft related charges and the judge apparently threw the book at him, so he’s not getting out anytime soon unless he shows some pretty good behavior. Other than encouraging her to visit her pastor and praying for her, I’m really at a loss. She has an appointment with her pastor tomorrow so at least she’s taken my advice. I’m kind of not good at dealing with people in crisis but I’ve met her pastor and he is a very calm, collected, and educated man with great teaching and coaching skills.

Is there any other way I could be of assistance to this family?

I’m not privy to the exact details of the crime, but her brother has a four year old that his mother and my friend now have to care for. The length of the sentence seems really harsh.

 

[Xantippe]

A friend of mine is going through a rough time because her brother was recently sentenced to prison. I am not sure how to help her. I encouraged her to visit her pastor and am praying for her/her family. I’m also going to see if I can get someone to visit her brother in prison from her church or my church. I’m really not sure what else to do. Has anyone on this board ever faced this situation? I am going through RCIA, but the family is firmly protestant. They are southern baptist. Her brother is being held on drug and theft related charges and the judge apparently threw the book at him, so he’s not getting out anytime soon unless he shows some pretty good behavior. Other than encouraging her to visit her pastor and praying for her, I’m really at a loss. She has an appointment with her pastor tomorrow so at least she’s taken my advice. I’m kind of not good at dealing with people in crisis but I’ve met her pastor and he is a very calm, collected, and educated man with great teaching and coaching skills.

Is there any other way I could be of assistance to this family?

I’m not privy to the exact details of the crime, but her brother has a four year old that his mother and my friend now have to care for. The length of the sentence seems really harsh.

Her pastor will probably have connections to prison ministry. Even if he doesn’t know much, he should know people who know stuff.

I think you’ve done well so far. If you stay in touch with your friend and keep your ears open, there will probably be many opportunities to help.

 

[1ke]

I imagine there is a deep sense of shame associated with having an immediate family member in prison.

I have one old friend whose brother went to prison (I don’t know what for) and she was very sensitive about it when we reconnected via Facebook a few years ago and I asked after her siblings.

I think continuing to be her friend, helping her connect with prison ministry, encouraging her to visit her brother and provide whatever small items she can (not sure what the various rules are about putting money in prison accounts, or providing extras like books or whatnot, but I think that can be helpful), and helping her with the care of the child would all be good ways to support her through this time.

Keep encouraging her to get counseling for herself too-- not just help for her brother but help and support for herself and her mother. It’s OK to still love your brother, even when he has done something wrong. There is a difference between **doing **something bad and **being **bad. He is not bad, he is a child of God.

 

[Catholic1954]

Her brother will need her support more than she needs yours. Encourage her to write, visit, accept his collect calls (VERY expensive!) and make sure he has regular updates on his child’s progress. Hopefully, their pastor can visit and encourage him to stay out of trouble and get involved in some kind of rehab or spiritual program to help him deal with every day life in there. I have a co-worker who got out of prison a few years ago and I think the worst for him was being cut off from the rest of the world; it’s easy to forget about the inmates after a few years.

 

[EasterJoy]

Ask her if there is anything that she wants you to do to help. If her answer is non-commital, you can suggest things you are willing to do to help, such as helping her get pictures of her brother’s 4 year old to send, helping the child to write letters (which mean a lot in prison, no matter who writes them), looking into how to send books (that usually has to be sent to the inmate by a bookseller directly) or underwear (which also has to be sent in its packaging), or to help her find the time and opportunity to do things to lower the stress in her life, her mom’s life or the child’s life.

She is essentially being put into the position of being a surrogate mother. She needs all the support of any unmarried mother living with her mother, and in some ways more. Take her out for girl time. Listen, and let her decide what she wants to do or talk about. Offer to watch the child while she goes out for girl time with her mom or while they visit the child’s dad. Be part of their support network, and keep encouraging them to reach out to others, too, as you have already done.

I would not try to get any details about the case that sent him to prison. You know he’ll get out eventually; just concentrate on helping the family to make the best use of this difficult time that they can.

 

[Anglewannabe]

she’s taken my advice.

I have a bit of a problem with this statement. It almost sounds like you are pushing her to do what YOU think is best regardless of what she thinks. I can think of several situations in my life when person A nagged to and convinced me to tell person B my problems and when person B use my problems to hurt me, person A refused to take responsibility for talking me into the situation. If her pastor is not helpful and she tells you about it, I hope you will have the consideration of apologizing for suggesting it

If you REALLY want to help her, ask exactly what SHE wants you to do and do it

Angie