T
TheLastUnicorn
Guest
I’ve pretty much made up my mind about this guy but I wanted to get the advice of people on here.
I have been long distance on-line dating a guy since April. He’s 16 years older than me which made me a little uncomfortable and I really wouldn’t be willing to go any older than that. But we hit it off really well in our messages together and we have a lot in common. We’re both converts for one thing.
I won’t burden you with the rest of the stuff we have in common. It was enough that we quickly went from sending messages back and forth to talking on the phone. Initially, we talked every two or three days and I felt like he was really enthusiastic about me both because he said how much he liked talking to me and because he was eager to meet me.
He planned to fly out in May because he said he thought it was really important we meet face-to-face. Naturally, I agreed and I was pretty darn excited about it. But he ended up cancelling because he said that his work wouldn’t allow him to go after all.
Anyway, I was going to go on a five-week trip in June, so he planned to drive out to visit me the weekend before I left. This also fell through and by this point we were talking pretty infrequently. Once every five days or so. I was beginning to think he was losing interest at this point. While I was gone, we exchanged a few e-mails, but for the most part I didn’t have reliable internet and we were only able to talk on skype once for about forty minutes.
At any rate, I missed talking to him when I was gone and he said he missed talking to me. We talked twice in one week when I got back.
Before the trip, he had said he would come out in August. But a week before he planned to come out, he told me he couldn’t make it. And then he started saying that I should fly out to him because
I am actually interested in finding work. He doesn’t seem to get that being unemployed means I don’t have an income, so I have, if anything, less money to throw around and anything I spend, I spend out of the money I have left in savings. I managed the trip because I’d been planning it for a year and I managed to set aside money for it. I am not wealthy though and I really do need to get a steady job soon.
Anyway, I said that I would let him know if I ever visit my family (some of my family lives close by and I visit them sometimes though very infrequently really) and we ended the conversation at that.
After that, he didn’t call me for two weeks and I got the impression that he wasn’t interested in me anymore from that. I stopped being friends on facebook because I didn’t like being reminded that he was no longer interested. I wrote him an e-mail explaining why I unfriended him because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
He wrote back saying that he was still interested in me and we ended up talking on the phone pretty soon after. He then lectured me on how rude it was for me to unfriend him. Moreover he said he considered it a red flag that I would assume he was no longer interested just because he hadn’t called me for two weeks. He told me that I needed to grow up and that if I wanted a guy who had time to talk more often, I should date someone unemployed like myself.
I told him that I had assumed he wasn’t interested because generally if guys don’t call for two weeks they aren’t. I normally wouldn’t have expected to get a response to my e-mail explaining why I unfriended him. I apologized for hurting his feelings, but explained that that had not been my intention.
And I explained that I do really like him-- as far as one can like someone you haven’t met-- I just don’t like be reminded of people who for whatever reason aren’t interested in dating me-- long-distance, on-line or otherwise. He then went on to say that he hadn’t considered us to be dating at all. He thought we were just friends. And he thought it was “scary” that I cared about this at all since we’d never met. But then he went on to say that he wants to keep things as they are. He wants to talk to me on the phone and he hopes we’ll meet in the future.
Now my inclination at the moment is to say no, and I plan to. I feel like he’s behaving in ways that don’t make sense to me. For example, I told him that I wasn’t happy that we don’t talk very often, and that’s what inspired the “you should date people who are unemployed like you” comment. I also, do not feel like he is respectful enough. And it doesn’t seem like he cares how I feel. When I told him I had found it disappointing that he couldn’t visit me, it didn’t seem to bother him. He just said, “Well you could always come out and visit me.” I also feel like maybe there was something I could have done to avoid this situation in the first place, but I don’t know what.
My questions are:
How can I avoid this situation in the future?
What should have been my reaction to him not calling me for two weeks?
Is it inevitable that someone 15 or 16 years older should treat me like a child if he gets mad? I’d really prefer a guy my own age, but he didn’t start off behaving the way he did in the end. I certainly don’t feel like we’re friends.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Sorry it’s so long, but I wanted to be as accurate as possible. Any (name removed by moderator)ut is appreciated.
(I should add that I simplified the facebook thing. It actually involved more than one social network for one thing, but ultimately it amounted to disengaging myself from his on-line presence completely.)
I have been long distance on-line dating a guy since April. He’s 16 years older than me which made me a little uncomfortable and I really wouldn’t be willing to go any older than that. But we hit it off really well in our messages together and we have a lot in common. We’re both converts for one thing.
I won’t burden you with the rest of the stuff we have in common. It was enough that we quickly went from sending messages back and forth to talking on the phone. Initially, we talked every two or three days and I felt like he was really enthusiastic about me both because he said how much he liked talking to me and because he was eager to meet me.
He planned to fly out in May because he said he thought it was really important we meet face-to-face. Naturally, I agreed and I was pretty darn excited about it. But he ended up cancelling because he said that his work wouldn’t allow him to go after all.
Anyway, I was going to go on a five-week trip in June, so he planned to drive out to visit me the weekend before I left. This also fell through and by this point we were talking pretty infrequently. Once every five days or so. I was beginning to think he was losing interest at this point. While I was gone, we exchanged a few e-mails, but for the most part I didn’t have reliable internet and we were only able to talk on skype once for about forty minutes.
At any rate, I missed talking to him when I was gone and he said he missed talking to me. We talked twice in one week when I got back.
Before the trip, he had said he would come out in August. But a week before he planned to come out, he told me he couldn’t make it. And then he started saying that I should fly out to him because
- I travel a lot. (I don’t. The recent trip was the most I’ve traveled in 10 years and I explained that to him. )
I am actually interested in finding work. He doesn’t seem to get that being unemployed means I don’t have an income, so I have, if anything, less money to throw around and anything I spend, I spend out of the money I have left in savings. I managed the trip because I’d been planning it for a year and I managed to set aside money for it. I am not wealthy though and I really do need to get a steady job soon.
Anyway, I said that I would let him know if I ever visit my family (some of my family lives close by and I visit them sometimes though very infrequently really) and we ended the conversation at that.
After that, he didn’t call me for two weeks and I got the impression that he wasn’t interested in me anymore from that. I stopped being friends on facebook because I didn’t like being reminded that he was no longer interested. I wrote him an e-mail explaining why I unfriended him because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
He wrote back saying that he was still interested in me and we ended up talking on the phone pretty soon after. He then lectured me on how rude it was for me to unfriend him. Moreover he said he considered it a red flag that I would assume he was no longer interested just because he hadn’t called me for two weeks. He told me that I needed to grow up and that if I wanted a guy who had time to talk more often, I should date someone unemployed like myself.
I told him that I had assumed he wasn’t interested because generally if guys don’t call for two weeks they aren’t. I normally wouldn’t have expected to get a response to my e-mail explaining why I unfriended him. I apologized for hurting his feelings, but explained that that had not been my intention.
And I explained that I do really like him-- as far as one can like someone you haven’t met-- I just don’t like be reminded of people who for whatever reason aren’t interested in dating me-- long-distance, on-line or otherwise. He then went on to say that he hadn’t considered us to be dating at all. He thought we were just friends. And he thought it was “scary” that I cared about this at all since we’d never met. But then he went on to say that he wants to keep things as they are. He wants to talk to me on the phone and he hopes we’ll meet in the future.
Now my inclination at the moment is to say no, and I plan to. I feel like he’s behaving in ways that don’t make sense to me. For example, I told him that I wasn’t happy that we don’t talk very often, and that’s what inspired the “you should date people who are unemployed like you” comment. I also, do not feel like he is respectful enough. And it doesn’t seem like he cares how I feel. When I told him I had found it disappointing that he couldn’t visit me, it didn’t seem to bother him. He just said, “Well you could always come out and visit me.” I also feel like maybe there was something I could have done to avoid this situation in the first place, but I don’t know what.
My questions are:
How can I avoid this situation in the future?
What should have been my reaction to him not calling me for two weeks?
Is it inevitable that someone 15 or 16 years older should treat me like a child if he gets mad? I’d really prefer a guy my own age, but he didn’t start off behaving the way he did in the end. I certainly don’t feel like we’re friends.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Sorry it’s so long, but I wanted to be as accurate as possible. Any (name removed by moderator)ut is appreciated.
(I should add that I simplified the facebook thing. It actually involved more than one social network for one thing, but ultimately it amounted to disengaging myself from his on-line presence completely.)
I’m definitely not feeling long distance dating right now.