Advice from Grandmas, please!

  • Thread starter Thread starter Peonies
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Thank you for your very thoughtful reply, Janet. I am very sorry about the loss of you mother. I will say a prayer for her.

Unfortunately, I know all too well that I might not get to be around for my daughter’s whole childhood. My mom lost her father to cancer when she was six years old. My niece lost her mom when she was a young teen. It is very possible that my mother-in-law might outlive me. There are no guarantees in life. Wanting to make special memories myself with my daughter is very important to me.

My daughter is 8 months old, so hormones still may be a part of my feelings. I am not sure how long it takes hormones to settle, especially since I am breastfeeding.

Thank you for providing your thoughts in such a kind message.
 
Thanks for posting your comment about allergies. It’s a perfect example of why DILs should listen to their pediatrician, do their own research, and ignore well-meaning but ill-informed opinions spouted by “experienced” grandmothers. Much research is being done to determine why food allergies and sensitivities are become so much more common; one that seems to hold some answers is the increased use of antibiotics over the past fifty-plus years. The idea is that while they kill the bad bacteria, they also eliminate the “good” bacteria, so the body reacts to harmless substances like nuts, wheat, etc. A person can have a sensitivity to a substance for many years and, after having ingested it 99 times with no more than a mildly unpleasant reaction, the 100th could result in a fatal reaction. Parents whose children have allergies face many difficulties; the last thing in the world is an “expert” who scoffs at them. Unless you have watched your dearly-beloved grandchild become violently ill after ONE bite of food containing one of his allergen and then lose consciousness and lapse into anaphylactic shock, and also watch your child as she fears she is watching her child die, it would be kinder to give others the benefit of the doubt regarding their food allergies and sensitivities and say a little prayer for them instead.
 
While hormones may intensify your emotions on the issue, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your logic. Your kid only has one first birthday. You carried the baby. You delivered the baby. You cared for the baby for a year. You want to make a cake. That’s pretty sufficient as far as I’m concerned. I’m not sure why anyone would think otherwise.
 
Peonies said:
You explained this with far better words than I ever could. I am glad to not be the only one to feel this way.
Click to expand...
Thanks!

I also agree with Clementine14 that a constant stream of advice feels like criticism.

It is possible to make conversation that doesn’t involve the phrase, “you should” more than once every ten sentences!
 
While it is true that many parents raised their children successfully without modern innovations, the reality is that sadly many children didn’t survive. Many children died from SIDS because their parents didn’t know about safe sleep. Many children died in car crashes because they didn’t have seatbelts or car seats - either because the parents didn’t know about the importance or they weren’t available. Many children became seriously ill from illnesses that are now vaccine-preventable. Many went on to have permanent effects and some died.

Just because YOUR children survived, does not mean every child was so fortunate.
 
OP, I recognize the symptoms from which you are suffering, for I and most of my friends, also had feelings of new mother anxiety. Please look more kindly on yourself. Your daughter will not see you as a “stick-in-the-mud,” but as calm and kind. I remember the way my DD looked at me and I see the way her boys look at her. I could only describe it as pure adoration. You are the one who will tend to her daily needs, comfort her when she’s sad, care for her when she’s ill, and giggle with her when she’s happy. The grandparent-grandchild relationship is a very special and beautiful thing, but the mother-child relationship is elementary and essential.

An friend’s MIL sent her flowers with a note when her first child was born. In it she told an old tale of a child who became lost at a town fair. When he was found and asked to describe his mother so she could be located, he said,”Why, she’s my mother and the most beautiful woman in the world.” She added that she was sure that my friend’s child would describe her that way, and I’m sure your own child will do the same. (At least until she’s eleven or so, but that’s another story. 😉)
 
There have been many wonderful people who have responded to me with great kindness on this thread. I am very grateful to a lot of posters right now.

I have to say though, that your message was exactly what I needed to read while feeling pretty low. Thank you so much for these beautiful words. If I could give you 50 hearts, I would!
 
I don’t disagree with this at all. My mother-in-law most certainly loves her son and granddaughter with all her heart. I have absolutely no reason to doubt her love for them. That is not really the source of our struggles though.

The last several days, I have been thinking about my relationship with my mother-in-law. I think I have finally figured out the main source of my angst, beyond the advice and her desire to do all of the “firsts.” My daughter was born via emergency C-section and I did not get to see her the day she was born. The next afternoon, I was still hooked up to many machines and not yet been allowed to see her. My mother-in-law was visiting with me and during our conversation she kept complaining that she wished she had been allowed to spend more time with my daughter the night she was born. (My daughter had gone to the NICU and family was only allowed to go in to see her in small groups with my husband.) It made me extremely sad that my mother-in-law was telling me how unfair the time limit was when I hadn’t even seen my daughter at all! It was especially hurtful because my mother-in-law knew I had not seen my daughter for the first time yet. Obviously, I need to stop holding onto this grudge, because it is not doing anything good for me.

I am trying to make progress. When we were at my in-laws house two nights ago, I asked my mother-in-law if she wanted to hold my daughter on her lap while my husband fed her. I do think that made her happy.
 
Peonies said:
My mother-in-law was visiting with me and during our conversation she kept complaining that she wished she had been allowed to spend more time with my daughter the night she was born.
Click to expand...
Wow.

That was not very sensitive!

I don’t think that your MIL is necessarily a terrible person–but I give you permission to operate on the assumption that she isn’t very reflective or empathetic.

You may want to have a look at one of the Boundaries books when you have a minute. Or just google “boundaries with mil” or “boundaries mil new baby.”
 
It might help if you started thinking about requests to make of your MIL, so that she isn’t left to her own devices figuring out how to help.
 
If it makes you feel better, while I was upstairs from my baby, hooked up to magnesium to prevent me from having a seizure or stroke, my mother and step-mother came up making precisely the same complaint! The mean old NICU nurse wouldn’t let them hold the baby. I was like, “Oh, you can’t hold my baby. That must be rough.” They figured out quickly that they were whining to the wrong lady!
 
Allegra said:
If it makes you feel better, while I was upstairs from my baby, hooked up to magnesium to prevent me from having a seizure or stroke, my mother and step-mother came up making precisely the same complaint! The mean old NICU nurse wouldn’t let them hold the baby. I was like, “Oh, you can’t hold my baby. That must be rough.” They figured out quickly that they were whining to the wrong lady!
Click to expand...
Allegra,

You’re a really funny lady! Even on magnesium!
 
Peonies said:
The last several days, I have been thinking about my relationship with my mother-in-law. I think I have finally figured out the main source of my angst, beyond the advice and her desire to do all of the “firsts.” My daughter was born via emergency C-section and I did not get to see her the day she was born. The next afternoon, I was still hooked up to many machines and not yet been allowed to see her. My mother-in-law was visiting with me and during our conversation she kept complaining that she wished she had been allowed to spend more time with my daughter the night she was born. (My daughter had gone to the NICU and family was only allowed to go in to see her in small groups with my husband.) It made me extremely sad that my mother-in-law was telling me how unfair the time limit was when I hadn’t even seen my daughter at all! It was especially hurtful because my mother-in-law knew I had not seen my daughter for the first time yet. Obviously, I need to stop holding onto this grudge, because it is not doing anything good for me.
Click to expand...
Ouch, that was insensitive of her! I can certainly understand this contributing to your feelings toward your MIL. My advice in this case, since you realize holding on to this is doing no good, would be to tell yourself, that she probably didn’t realize what she was saying, she was just lamenting from her POV. We all say inappropriate things at inappropriate times. If you can, try to chalk it up to that!

Thanks for your thoughts about about my mom! Hang in there…it does get better as you work through your emotions. I remember the first year as being a time of constant change!
 
I meant them. Your love for your DD is so obvious. You will be exactly the mother she needs.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top