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Irishmom2
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There you go, that’s a great compromise! 
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Clementine14
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I just want to address this because I think it’s the source of a lot of conflict between mothers in law and daughters in law.
Parenting has actually changed quite a lot- there are constant recommendations that parents have to stay on top of- for instance, babies need to sleep on their backs. These recommendations are based on research and safety, but a lot of our parents’ generation argues that “you kids slept on your stomach (or whatever the issue is) and you were fine”. Or give other dangerous and outdated information such as add rice cereal to a bottle because they’ll sleep better. There are also a lot of other considerations like social media- I’m not the only one who has had a bit of an issue with the “older” generation not understanding why we like to keep our kids’ photos off and getting upset about not being allowed to post photos. These and other types of issues like them are not something that anyone had to consider previously.
Advice, when asked for, can be very useful. And I think daughters in law should make an effort to include their mothers in law. But I know speaking personally and from the experience of other moms my age, often we have a good handle on our own kids, listen to the recommendations of their pediatricians and current research, and especially know our own children better than their grandparents (my own has some special needs, which the grandparents don’t always understand). Sometimes advice that is unsolicited comes across as “you don’t know what you’re doing, you need my help” when we really are doing just fine. So grandmas should really consider whether their advice is wanted- if not, maybe just hang back and enjoy their grandchildren, even if they think the daughter in law is “doing it wrong”. And realize that things have in fact changed a lot since they were parents.
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Xantippe
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I agree with everything Clementine14 said.
Another issue (and this applies to all human relationshipships, but especially MIL/DIL) is that there’s only so much advice that people are willing or able to absorb. So, if you have a lot of good ideas, prioritize the ones that are most important. One piece of unsolicited advice per hour is a pretty good cap (and probably too much).
Don’t say everything that pops into your head.
Another issue (and this applies to all human relationshipships, but especially MIL/DIL) is that there’s only so much advice that people are willing or able to absorb. So, if you have a lot of good ideas, prioritize the ones that are most important. One piece of unsolicited advice per hour is a pretty good cap (and probably too much).
Don’t say everything that pops into your head.
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Horton
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This is exactly what I was talking about. In the last decade or so mothers seem to believe they invented parenting. That the rest of us who have done it before didn’t use practices:
And then there is the “grandma” who gave birth to your husband! Wow! It sure is a shame someone like mothers your age weren’t around to show her how to do it right.
I really hope the mothers your age see the sarcasm here along with the truthfulness. Mothers have been raising babies since the world began and while there have been times when medical advancements and certain inventions have made things easier, nothing has really changed in the last several decades. In my opinion mothers seem to be to caught up with all the latest things consumerism tells them they need. Babies need very little. They need gentle hands to hold them, touch them and carry them. They need safe arms to lay in. They need a consistent source of nutrition. They need a loving safe home. All the rest is what the parents want.
Grandmas were smart enough to raise you, you might do well to listen to them every now and then.
and like to give
It is amazing to me that the “grandma” who gave birth to you and somehow managed to keep you alive, fed, clothed, educated, healthy, and well adjusted, did so when she was so incompetent, when parenting was so very primitive and dangerous. Your guardian angel must have been working overtime there.
And then there is the “grandma” who gave birth to your husband! Wow! It sure is a shame someone like mothers your age weren’t around to show her how to do it right.
I really hope the mothers your age see the sarcasm here along with the truthfulness. Mothers have been raising babies since the world began and while there have been times when medical advancements and certain inventions have made things easier, nothing has really changed in the last several decades. In my opinion mothers seem to be to caught up with all the latest things consumerism tells them they need. Babies need very little. They need gentle hands to hold them, touch them and carry them. They need safe arms to lay in. They need a consistent source of nutrition. They need a loving safe home. All the rest is what the parents want.
Grandmas were smart enough to raise you, you might do well to listen to them every now and then.
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Clementine14
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A few things:
- The grandma who gave birth to me realizes that there is a lot more extensive, quality research done these days on best practices. She, thankfully, is aware that a lot of children actually died due to situations that have since been better studied. For example, more children died in car crashes when there were no laws about child restraints. She’d never dream of sticking my son in her car without a booster seat, and knows that I do not for a second think she is “incompetent”. I guess it’s okay to smoke around kids too, because hey- my grandma did?
- The grandma who gave birth to my husband told me to feed my food-allergic child his allergen in order to “get over it”. Which would kill him. So no- often grandparents quite literally do not know enough about a particular circumstance and try to give “advice” about it anyway. Because they don’t trust that their daughters-in-law actually know what they are doing, when they live with a situation day in and day out.
- “Research” is not the same thing as “consumerism”. For example, a recommendation based on research might be that children should be rear-facing in the car for the first two years. Consumerism might be purchasing a particular car seat that has various features when the one you have is fine.
- There are a lot of babies that need a lot more than “very little”. My son has sensory processing disorder. We pay for therapy and special food, and a lot of other things that some of our family members do not understand. There is a lot of unsolicited advice about what we should or should not be doing from people who have little to no understanding of his condition.
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Clementine14
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Right. And I think once per visit is too much!
Another thing is that mothers are generally more receptive to advice coming from their own mothers rather than their mothers in law. My mom raised me and we’re close. I’m fortunate to have a good relationship with her, so she holds her tongue if she thinks I’m doing something the “wrong way” and it isn’t important, and respects how I am raising my children even if she thinks so. And if she does think it’s important, she’ll say something- because we’re close this works fine.
But if someone isn’t close with her MIL (and even if she is, actually) it’s not the same. It comes off a lot more critical when it’s not your own mother who raised you. Better to just hold your tongue and keep a good relationship going than risk that by saying something you just “have” to say.
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Xantippe
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Speaking from experience, it’s very, very unpleasant and stressful to be bombarded with non-stop advice.
If it’s not actually life-threatening and if nobody is asking for advice, keep it to yourself and learn to make friendly chit chat without the word “should” appearing more than once an hour.
If it’s not actually life-threatening and if nobody is asking for advice, keep it to yourself and learn to make friendly chit chat without the word “should” appearing more than once an hour.
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Horton
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Have it your way in your special world of inventing parenting. But please remember your husband is a parent of your children also and your mother is his mother-in-law…same standard should apply.
Just FYI - Research is not a new invention either, it’s been going on for centuries. Consumerism convincing parents they “need” every latest gadget for baby is something relatively new. In fact I did research back in the olden days in college when I knew nothing about raising babies and by the grace of God they survived to adulthood. In fact they sometimes slept on their tummy and had rice cereal in a bottle to sleep better. They didn’t eat organic and had plenty of gluten. The played outside in the dirt and played in the creek. I can’t imagine how they turned into grown men who are smart, healthy, well formed, happy fathers.
Just FYI - Research is not a new invention either, it’s been going on for centuries. Consumerism convincing parents they “need” every latest gadget for baby is something relatively new. In fact I did research back in the olden days in college when I knew nothing about raising babies and by the grace of God they survived to adulthood. In fact they sometimes slept on their tummy and had rice cereal in a bottle to sleep better. They didn’t eat organic and had plenty of gluten. The played outside in the dirt and played in the creek. I can’t imagine how they turned into grown men who are smart, healthy, well formed, happy fathers.
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TheLittleLady
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When DS was little we were supposed to put babies to sleep on their tummy in order to keep them from aspirating if they spit up.
Heck, I’ve been sleeping on my stomach since birth, it is a natural sleeping position and is the reason some parents have “babies who never sleep”. But, in another generation it will swing back
Heck, I’ve been sleeping on my stomach since birth, it is a natural sleeping position and is the reason some parents have “babies who never sleep”. But, in another generation it will swing back
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JanetF
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My first thought is you should let her do these things as it will be memories for your kiddo to cherish. Is say this because my mom just passed recently and my adult daughter cherishes those sorts of things. You will have plenty of mom/child moments that she will never get to experience.
I’m not trying to make you feel worse than you apparently already do, but I think you need to cut both yourselves some slack. Let her feel needed, follow her advice sometimes even when it’s unsolicited. And ask her advice even if you don’t really need it. She wants to feel involved and needed. It’s a precious time for both you, but realistically speaking you’ll have much more time as a mom with your child, then she will as a grandparent with your child.
If you feel strongly about being the one to bake the first birthday cake, then ask her if she would do something else for the first birthday like buy the decorations, or contribute to the dinner party in another way. If she is particularly talented in baking and sewing, then I’d take advantage of that. My mom made my daughter’s special occasion dresses and I was thrilled (as a working mom, I wouldn’t have had the time). We saved all of those items and she will hand them down to her own children with pride and stories about her gamma.
I can’t tell from your post how old your baby is, but is there a chance there is a little bit of postpartum hormone playing a part in this?
If it’s truly really important to you, then stand your ground, but be respectful and above all be kind to her.
As someone else mentioned, there may be a time when another child arrives and you’ll appreciate all the help you can get.
I’m not trying to make you feel worse than you apparently already do, but I think you need to cut both yourselves some slack. Let her feel needed, follow her advice sometimes even when it’s unsolicited. And ask her advice even if you don’t really need it. She wants to feel involved and needed. It’s a precious time for both you, but realistically speaking you’ll have much more time as a mom with your child, then she will as a grandparent with your child.
If you feel strongly about being the one to bake the first birthday cake, then ask her if she would do something else for the first birthday like buy the decorations, or contribute to the dinner party in another way. If she is particularly talented in baking and sewing, then I’d take advantage of that. My mom made my daughter’s special occasion dresses and I was thrilled (as a working mom, I wouldn’t have had the time). We saved all of those items and she will hand them down to her own children with pride and stories about her gamma.
I can’t tell from your post how old your baby is, but is there a chance there is a little bit of postpartum hormone playing a part in this?
If it’s truly really important to you, then stand your ground, but be respectful and above all be kind to her.
As someone else mentioned, there may be a time when another child arrives and you’ll appreciate all the help you can get.
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Allegra
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The newest thing appears to be a breathing monitor. I think we will be seeing a relaxing of the “back is best” mandate fairly soon, though I think that will still be the primary recommendation for most babies. Lots of babies can’t sleep comfortably or for very long that way. I told my mom that they now sold affordable breathing monitors for infants, expecting her to roll her eyes. No. She was like, “What the %$#^ took so long? I spent months waking up in a panic every few minutes, checking to see if you were breathing!”
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Allegra
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Be respectful. Your babies survived sleeping on their tummies and being satiated with rice cereal, but please remember that others didn’t. Awareness of safe sleeping practices has significantly reduced the number of SIDS cases. We piled five kids in the backseat plus one on the emergency break and drove to Branson that way. We all survived, thank God. My 9yo neighbor didn’t when he went through the windshield on the way to school. He would have if he’d been buckled in.
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Xantippe
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Yeah. One of my baby cousins died of crib death back in the early 1980s when I was in elementary school. I don’t know what the medical circumstances were, but he might well be with us today if current protocols were in use then.
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS): Symptoms and Prevention
Learn about sudden infant death syndrome and possible ways to reduce risk.
www.healthline.com
" According to the new study, published today in the journal Pediatrics, the number of deaths attributed to SIDS went down 71 percent between 1983 and 2012."
“The number of parents placing their infants in the face-down position for sleep decreased from 70 percent in 1992 to 24 percent in 1996.”
“During those four years, the rate of SIDS deaths in the United States fell by 38 percent.”
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Allegra
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When I was young, it seemed like nearly everyone had a sibling, cousin, coworker, or close friend that lost a baby to SIDS. Now, I can’t think of anyone I know who has recently.
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Horton
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We had car seats back in the olden days. My kids never went in the car without being locked in. We even had “awareness of safe sleeping practices” way back then.
Don’t get me started on feeding. My goodness, every kid out there can’t have something. Can’t have gluten, can’t have dairy, must be organic, it’s crazy. I get there are real allergies out there but it is ridiculous.
Don’t get me started on feeding. My goodness, every kid out there can’t have something. Can’t have gluten, can’t have dairy, must be organic, it’s crazy. I get there are real allergies out there but it is ridiculous.
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Clementine14
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I’m trying to explain why a daughter in law might not take too well to “advice” when it’s not solicited. I do not think that all advice is bad, but that often grandparents think that if they did one thing and their kids didn’t die then it must be fine.
I think that daughters in law should do their best to include their in laws, so long as their in laws are respectful of their role as a parent. And that grandparents should be aware that too much advice comes across as criticism. You mentioned above that your daughter in law has been upset with you on more than one occasion and because of it she “kept the kids from you” but that you “let her get over it”. That implies that she was wrong to be upset.
My in laws don’t have to believe in food allergies, but they do have to follow our rules about being able to be around our son. They can think we’re being ridiculous for not allowing them to smoke around our kids, as long as they don’t actually do it. They can have whatever opinion they want about how we parent our kids, as long as they don’t undermine us or consistently offer advice because they think they know better. If that happens, then no- we’re not going to want to be around them.
It just doesn’t seem worth it to step on a daughter in law’s toes. It’s really a give-and-take. If a daughter in law feels respected as the mom, she’ll try to go out of her way to make sure that her kids know and love grandma. If grandma is constantly offering advice and acting critical, or does not care to educate herself regarding her grandchildren’s medical conditions or current safety practices, daughter in law is not going to to go out of her way to bring the kids over.
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Allegra
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We had a carseat, but it was only for the infant. It was forward-facing of course and I don’t think it was required. I think they did have a newer law requiring kids to be buckled in, but one of our cars didn’t even have seatbelts! We definitely didn’t have safe cribs! We all had the drop-side cribs that are outlawed now and we were smothered in thick, fluffy baby quilts with baby bumpers and our crib set actually came with a decorative pillow!
I get a general impression that many people from multiple generations have the notion that being masters of their own destiny is tied into mastering some sort of ultra-restrictive diet. That is then projected onto children. If only we can keep Junior from ever ingesting red dye #7, he will be the ideal specimen of humanity. I also think its kind of dumb but when someone tells me their kid is allergic, I believe them. Anaphylaxis is one thing I don’t need in my life. On the other hand, when I tell my MIL “no raw eggs”, I mean no flippin raw eggs and I don’t care if “that’s the way they do it in the country.” Salmonella is another thing I don’t need in my life.
I get a general impression that many people from multiple generations have the notion that being masters of their own destiny is tied into mastering some sort of ultra-restrictive diet. That is then projected onto children. If only we can keep Junior from ever ingesting red dye #7, he will be the ideal specimen of humanity. I also think its kind of dumb but when someone tells me their kid is allergic, I believe them. Anaphylaxis is one thing I don’t need in my life. On the other hand, when I tell my MIL “no raw eggs”, I mean no flippin raw eggs and I don’t care if “that’s the way they do it in the country.” Salmonella is another thing I don’t need in my life.
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Peonies
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I never want one of those breathing monitors at home. When my daughter was in the NICU, we had so many false alarms with her breathing monitor that I still wake up to nightmares of it going off months later.
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Peonies
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You explained this with far better words than I ever could. I am glad to not be the only one to feel this way.
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Allegra
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So far with our Snuza alarm, we’ve only had one false alarm because her diaper got so full of pee, the probe couldn’t reach her tummy anymore! (Which was fine because we obviously needed to change her anyway.) We’ve had it for about three weeks now and it works great.
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