Advice from SAHM needed!

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embear

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I am 23 and am getting married next year. I have a pretty decent job (one which pays well and would definitely provide me with opportunities to move up the career ladder), but truth be told, once I have children, I want to quit working to stay home to raise them.

A little background info: I come from a family where both parents work. I am so thankful that I have never had to worry about my family’s finances as I grew up, and that they payed for my college education. My parents would NEVER be ok with me quitting my job to be a stay at home mom. My fiance comes from a family where his mom stayed at home, and that’s what he wants for our children.

I want to stay at home with my kids because I want to homeschool. I also want to have a big family, and daycare costs would be prohibitively expensive for a lot of kids. I am not concerned with not being able to afford luxury cars, or having a big house, or being able to take vacations and buy my kids all the toys they could ever want. I enjoy being frugal and would definitely enjoy being at home with the kids. The problem is that everyone except my fiance thinks it’s foolish to rely on one income (what if he should lose his job?) My parents think I’d be wasting the education they paid for. Other people say it is mean to put so much pressure on my husband to support a family alone. Others say my job is a blessing and that I should be thankful to be employed when so many aren’t, how could I just throw it away? I have never gotten any positive feedback, which makes me wonder if I’m even making the right decision 😦 Are there any stay at home moms out there that can offer advice with how to handle all these doubts?
 
First of all, I think it is wonderful you want to be a stay at home mom. I had people who supported it, but I also heard the negative. I know it is hard when your loved ones or friends do not support you, but you need to do what is best for your family. If you and your husband both want this, then go for it. I will be praying.

Kerri:)
 
embear said:
I am 23 and am getting married next year. I have a pretty decent job (one which pays well and would definitely provide me with opportunities to move up the career ladder), but truth be told, once I have children, I want to quit working to stay home to raise them.

A little background info: I come from a family where both parents work. I am so thankful that I have never had to worry about my family’s finances as I grew up, and that they payed for my college education. My parents would NEVER be ok with me quitting my job to be a stay at home mom. My fiance comes from a family where his mom stayed at home, and that’s what he wants for our children.

I want to stay at home with my kids because I want to homeschool. I also want to have a big family, and daycare costs would be prohibitively expensive for a lot of kids. I am not concerned with not being able to afford luxury cars, or having a big house, or being able to take vacations and buy my kids all the toys they could ever want. I enjoy being frugal and would definitely enjoy being at home with the kids. The problem is that everyone except my fiance thinks it’s foolish to rely on one income (what if he should lose his job?) My parents think I’d be wasting the education they paid for. Other people say it is mean to put so much pressure on my husband to support a family alone. Others say my job is a blessing and that I should be thankful to be employed when so many aren’t, how could I just throw it away? I have never gotten any positive feedback, which makes me wonder if I’m even making the right decision 😦 Are there any stay at home moms out there that can offer advice with how to handle all these doubts?
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Start paying off all the debt you possibly can now, before you have children. If you have no debt (credit cards, autos, etc), then save your income and use only your husband’s to live on. Whether you get pregnant in your first year of marriage or your third, you will have learned how to live on one income and you will have saved a good amount of money to fall back on should something happen with his income after you are a SAHM with children. Your saved income can also make a nice down payment for house, too. Another thing, even though at some point, you will leave the paid workforce to be home, don’t let go of your contacts and try to stay current on your skills. Those things can come in handy should you need to temporarily re-enter the career world; even part-time, should your husband be off work for an extended period.

(I am a SAHM of 3 boys, I homeschool, and have worked part-time/ as needed in the health care field since having my first baby over 19 years ago. 2 years ago, I “retired” from my part-time, weekend position, but having that extra income was invaluable when my husband had a very unexpected lay-off several years ago and we did not have a large amount of money saved for unexpected expenses. Before I had children, I wish I had known how important it is to save, save, save when you are employed full time and do not have little ones yet.)
 
Monicad said:
God bless you and so good you came here to seek advice!

First, you are jumping the gun a bit…you are not even married so first you have to get throught all the HELPFUL ADVICE you will receive about your wedding! Then you have to get through all of the HELPFUL ADVICE you will receive about where to live. Then you have to get through all of the HELPFUL ADVICE you will receive about your pregnancy. Then you have to get through all of the HELPFUL ADVICE you will receive about where to give birth and whether or not to breastfeed!!!

So dear one, by the time it comes to making a decision about sending your little one to daycare you will have had plenty of practice in how to handle all of the HELPFUL ADVICE that your friends and family members will shower you with! By that time you will have been married a little while, had a chance to bond with your husband and bond with your baby…in other words you will feel much more like a solid family bonded by love and that is what will help give you the spiritual strength to handle advice that you don’t intend to take but want to be gracious about. There are plenty of reasons to stay home with your baby, once you are a family and your husband is supportive the influences of others will be much less important. God bless you and congratulations on your wedding!
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I agree… take one day at a time and get through all the OTHER things that life will bring your way before you have to tackle THIS particular problem. 😉
 
I think this is a great choice! I think it is beneficial for the mother to “stay home” and raise the children. it’s not wrong for a woman to work, obviously, but it is preferable when you have children to be a full time mother. they need this.
 
I’ve been both a working mom and a stay at home mom. Staying home is the greatest gift I have ever been given. Both my parents work as well but thankfully support whichever path we choice in life for their kids. Once you are married, live only on you husband’s income while you are still working. Put all of your income into savings and investments. This way you are used to the one income AND you are getting a great start towards retirement, emergency accounts, college tuition, etc. It won’t be a shock to switch to one income later. Also, if you do decide to homeschool, your education will definitely not be wasted. Explain that to your parents, maybe the will understand. My experience has been that homeschooling has brought more negative remarks from people than staying home has. There is a prejudice against large families, especially if they homeschool. I wouldn’t have it any other way though. You will learn to just tune out negatives instead of allowing it to discourage you. May God bless your journey.
 
I have to disagree with the above posters about jumping the gun. This isn’t some superfluous matter. Obviously circumstances can change but having a game plan with the daycare/SAHM debate is up there with discipline in my book. I think it’s commendable that you and your fiance are discussing this now. I wish more couples would.

With that being said, when it comes to raising a family what matters most is what you and your future husband agree is best for your family. If you two think that you being a SAHM is best for your family, then do it and ignore any flack you get from outsiders. Your education isn’t wasted. You still learned and you still have that knowledge and experience should you need it in the future. Your husband (it seems) is totally gung ho about you staying at home, so I don’t understand how he would feel overly pressured to provide for the family financially (I want to emphasize "financially because you certainly would still be providing for the family, just in a different way). Your current job is a blessing but you wouldn’t be “throwing it away.” Raising kids is not less “worthy” than working at a job. Trust your instincts. It certainly can be done. I stay at home with our two kids and my husband is a youth minister (with a average to under average YM salary, we still have a considerable amount of student loans, and we are living just fine. If you understand what you are trading off (luxury cars, vacations, etc) and are okay with it, then go for it.
 
Remember this phrase: This is what {husband’s name} and I have decided is best.

You never have to explain or justify any decision you make to anyone; all that does is make them think they have room to change your mind. Announce anything with a great deal of joy and happiness!!! Oh, Mom and Dad, isn’t it great! We are pregnant!!! 😃 😃 Oh, Mom and Dad, isn’t it great!!! Everything is going to work out so I can stay home with the baby!!! 😃 😃 Oh, Mom and Dad, isn’t it great, we’re going to be able to homeschool!!! 😃 😃 Oh, Mom and Dad, isn’t it great, we’re expecting our seventh baby!!! 😃 😃 (by which time, hopefully, they will have given up on you altogether LOL)

And don’t give them too much info ahead of time!!!

Congratulations on your engagement, your finace sounds lovely!

Annie, mother of 4 homeschooled children whose mother was DEAD SET against homeschooling and having more children than the number one already has!
 
I get the “you’re wasting the education we paid for” line. I’ve learned to ignore it, along with a lot of other gems. My standard lines are “thank you for your opinion” , " we’ve made this decision as a family", and " So, when do you think this cold/warm/dry/wet spell will end?’.

It’s helpful to get advice from family and friends, to a degree. But once you have decided on a course of action, that needs to be the end of the advice giving. It sounds like everyone has had a chance to give you their opinion, raise potential issues, etc. Now the conversation needs to end. Don’t engage in it. If they ask you "what about . . . " remind them you’re done talking about it. My family has learned to say things like “I thought of something you might consider” and then tell me, but they no longer expect a response. On rare occasions, they say something I really do think about.

I’ve been fortunate in that my family has been pretty good about all this. It’s hard for parents to let their kids become grown ups.

Enjoy your wedding - and your marriage!
 
Thank you everyone!

I know I need to work on not being so concerned with what others say. My circle of friends already think I’m kind of crazy for getting married at 23 :confused: Fiance and I both live with our respective parents 100 miles away right now, in order to save money. We both saved practically everything we made since we graduated college and have no debt.

I don’t really think I’m jumping the gun because all the advice I’m getting now (about where to live, when to have kids, ect) is based around my “career”. It’s hard not to want to take their advice when you see how successful these people have been. It seems like there’s a tradeoff between financial security and having a traditional family. It is so nice to hear that it can work though, even in today’s world.
 
I haven’t read through all the posts, but what I would suggest is once you are married – just live off his income – budget as though that was the only money coming into the home. Then put all of your income into savings – have a good emergency fund and then start some investments. Even bulk up your emergency fund if your future husband’s job is a bit volatile. That way by the time the kids start coming, you’re already used to living and budgeting based on one income.
 
It is nice that your parents were able to pay for your education, but that does not mean they are allowed to dictate what you do for the rest of your life or how you and your husband decide to run your own household. While it is of course wise to discuss such things with your future husband, I would avoid any such conversations with your family in the future because you already know what they think, and you aren’t obligated to explain yourself to them. As another poster mentioned, you need to become comfortable saying “this is what husband and I have decided” and not allow further discussion of choices you’ve made together. Developing this kind of solidarity and not allowing family members or anyone else to come between it will be essential to your marriage.

For now, don’t worry too much about it. You and your fiance are on the same page, and that is what matters. You don’t know what your futures hold- you may find yourselves in a different financial situation upon becoming pregnant than you are now. So for now, keep working hard and saving what you can, and be careful not to engage those who would try to persuade you that you should listen to them and not your future husband.
 
embear said:
My parents would NEVER be ok with me quitting my job to be a stay at home mom. My fiance comes from a family where his mom stayed at home, and that’s what he wants for our children.

I want to stay at home with my kids because I want to homeschool. … My parents think I’d be wasting the education they paid for. …
Are there any stay at home moms out there that can offer advice with how to handle all these doubts?
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There’s a homeschooling quote out there somewhere that I can’t put my finger on right now that says something like ‘why is teaching other people’s children a noble profession yet we are wasting our talents when we use our abilities to teach our own children?’…or something like that.

Monicad had some great advice.

My DH and I were both working until I had our first…then I was off for a year, then got an opportunity to flex time at home…it was too good to pass up since most of my work was while my son slept. Now, it’s been almost 11 years since I worked outside our home and I have been homeschooling the whole time. It’s doable, it’s a LOT of work, but it’s just like anything else that you really want. No, I don’t drive a new car and ‘staycations’ can be just as relaxing and fun as ‘go-cations’!LOL!!
Oh, and I’ve lost some ‘friends’ over the years who thought I was ‘ruining my kids’ by not putting them in school…one even went so far as to tell me that I should volunteer to teach CCD and put them in CCD (my oldest was only 5!) so that they would learn ‘how to sit in a classroom’ :rolleyes: There’s a necessary life-skill, huh?? Friends will drift away but new ones with similar values will drift into your life.
Do your own research into homeschool groups etc when you consider areas where you might want to live…as well as the schools…just in case, you never know! 🤷
In many cases that I have seen, once the grandparents see the positive influences homeschooling can have on kids…many of them end up bragging about what a wonderful homeschooler their daughter is and how smart/kind/etc their grandkids are turning out to be 😉
 
I spent a few years as a SAHM when my kids were preschoolers. It was a rewarding experience that I don’t regret for a second. However, as the youngest one got on the school bus for his first day at school, I was polishing my resume. It was time to get back to the “real world.” I missed hanging with adults. Anyway…do what’s right for you. Don’t give in to family pressure if you and your husband have decided that your role should be that of a SAHM.

That said…I have a cousin who got a masters degree in a technical field at a prestigious university - courtesy of her parents who struggled and sacrificed to make tuition payments for over six years. She got married right after graduation and decided that she wanted to be a SAHM. She never worked a day after she got her degree. My aunt and uncle, of course, wanted her to be happy, and they didn’t want to interfere with her life. Still, I bet they wish they had done something else with all that money.
 
I was a SAHM but also worked part time at different points. You will be getting a lot of advice from many people on how to raise your kids but the bottom line is what feels right to you and your husband. No one else really should have a say in it if you choose to be a SAHM. Being a SAHM is a truly beautiful experience and if your future husband is on board then go for it! Someone else suggested that you try living on one salary even while you are still working and that is a very good idea. Many people got into financial trouble when jobs were lost by living a lifestyle that only two salaries could support. By the way, your college education is never wasted by being a SAHM! I would be offended if anyone dared to make that statement in my presence.
 
BettyBoop416 said:
That said…I have a cousin who got a masters degree in a technical field at a prestigious university - courtesy of her parents who struggled and sacrificed to make tuition payments for over six years. She got married right after graduation and decided that she wanted to be a SAHM. She never worked a day after she got her degree. My aunt and uncle, of course, wanted her to be happy, and they didn’t want to interfere with her life. Still, I bet they wish they had done something else with all that money.
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I got a Master’s Degree myself. Of course, my husband and I paid for it, as I got it after we married. And neither my husband nor I would ever say that I “wasted” that education on our children! (I teach them at home.)

Why would caring for her children not be “work”? Why is only work for which we receive a salary considered valuable?
 
Sillara said:
I got a Master’s Degree myself. Of course, my husband and I paid for it, as I got it after we married. And neither my husband nor I would ever say that I “wasted” that education on our children! (I teach them at home.)

Why would caring for her children not be “work”? Why is only work for which we receive a salary considered valuable?
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Perhaps I should have been more clear. I’m not saying that being a SAHM is not a worthwhile endeavor. I am also not saying that work for which one does not receive a salary is not valuable. In fact, I have a special appreciation for someone who home schools their kids. That’s hard work.

However, my cousin earned a masters degree in engineering. (It’s been a long time. I forget exactly which engineering discipline it was.) She never worked as an engineer or in any other technical field. That education, and the many thousands of dollars her parents spent to pay for that education, was wasted on someone who decided to be a stay-at-home mom.
 
I like to think of a college education as an “insurance policy” for women. You never know what life is going to throw at you and when you may need it. SAHM can use that education in countless ways especially if they homeschool. Education is never wasted even if it seems that way.
 
BettyBoop416 said:
However, my cousin earned a masters degree in engineering. (It’s been a long time. I forget exactly which engineering discipline it was.) She never worked as an engineer or in any other technical field. That education, and the many thousands of dollars her parents spent to pay for that education, was wasted on someone who decided to be a stay-at-home mom.
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I don’t see why you consider your Cousins Education as wasted, first off any time spent in the care of a child is not wasted, and I bet that her education has benefited her children in growing up. How marvelous to have an engineer as a parent, all the things they can learn and create with that parent, the possibilities are endless. I was a SAHM and loved every minute of it and would not trade it for the world. I learned more from being a SAHM then I ever learned in college.
 
It sounds like the doubts are not yours, but your family’s. In addition to some of the good advice you’ve already received, I think you will need to learn how to tell your family to back off and stay out of it. Of course, you won’t use those words. But while a few reassuring conversations with your parents can be harmless, the message that really needs to be sent (when the time comes) is that you appreciate that people care about you, but this decision is not up for a family discussion, and that you and your dh are confident in your decision. If there are already a lot of conversations about it now, I would suggest that you start getting more vague with people. At this point, just nod and smile when people give you advice about the future, and then change the topic of conversation. As a “kid” (in their eyes) who hasn’t actually experienced the independent life/motherhood, you don’t have much clout to argue with them. So just quietly go about making your plans with your fiance, and when the time comes that you are staying home, you can say “it’s working for me, and we’re very happy.”
 
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