Advice from SAHM needed!

[EasterJoy]

Perhaps I should have been more clear. I’m not saying that being a SAHM is not a worthwhile endeavor. I am also not saying that work for which one does not receive a salary is not valuable. In fact, I have a special appreciation for someone who home schools their kids. That’s hard work.

However, my cousin earned a masters degree in engineering. (It’s been a long time. I forget exactly which engineering discipline it was.) She never worked as an engineer or in any other technical field. That education, and the many thousands of dollars her parents spent to pay for that education, was wasted on someone who decided to be a stay-at-home mom.

I have a PhD in chemistry, I’ve stayed at home since my kids were born, and I beg to differ.

First off, no one who marries has a guarantee that she will be able to have children, let alone when she will have them. She has no guarantee that her husband will be able to support the family or even that he will live to raise them with her. IOW, she had better have plans for how to occupy herself if her hopes are not realized, including plans for how she will use the gifts God gave her to support her family financially, if it is needed. When any of us say, “I plan to do such-and-so”, then let us hope that this includes the understanding “God willing”. We must always be willing to do what our state in life demands of us for the greatest good, rather than pursuing only what we want out of our state in life.

Secondly, while some people do not have the luxury of getting a degree that will not result in a job that can help them pay off the cost of the degree, the value of an education is not merely in whether or not it is lucrative. When the person is bound by economic reality to pursue a course of study that pays for itself, fine, but that does not imply that any course of study that does not pay for itself is a waste! If that were so, many church musicians and singers threw a lot of money away on lessons over the course of their lives! After all, why would anyone pay to send their child to a church school, when it is a lot cheaper to send the child to public school and learn the catechism outside of school? Doesn’t your mathematics make the whole parochial school system something of a waste of money? If not, why not? Because the value of an education is about more than investing money with the thought of returning dollars for dollars.

I think it is a bit arrogant to say to the student who is not currently planning to go to college, “oh, your shouldn’t learn calculus. You’ll never ‘use’ it, so it is wasted on you” or to the student who is planning some life independent of the explicit salaried position their course of study implies “oh, you shouldn’t be allowed in that program. You’ll never ‘use’ is, so it is wasted on you.” Or to the person who will probably never go to a French-speaking country: “why are you learning French? You’ll never need it…or you’ll ‘use’ it for what, two weeks? It is wasted on you!”

Who are you to tell my professors or my parents that it is a waste to educate me about this or that because I’m “only” going to be homeschooling children or doing some other work outside of that course of study? Who are you to decide who should learn and when development of the mind is a waste or isn’t? And how, pray tell, do you plan on convincing your children that it is worthwhile to study anything that will never make them a dollar later in life?

As Shakespeare put, it:

O, reason not the need: our basest beggars
Are in the poorest thing superfluous:
Allow not nature more than nature needs,
Man’s life’s as cheap as beast’s: thou art a lady;
If only to go warm were gorgeous,
Why, nature needs not what thou gorgeous wear’st,
Which scarcely keeps thee warm. But, for true need,–
You heavens, give me that patience, patience I need!..
King Lear, Act II, Scene IV

OP, study as if you will be using your education for a full career, because you might. All those of you who think your education will be “wasted” if you don’t go into a career in that field, be very careful. That is the kind of thinking that leads to your education owning you, instead of the other way around. Even if you don’t go into the field after all, the formation of your mind will not have been wasted, not if you keep your mind open while you’re getting it.

Oh, and OP, the less you tell the world of your plans before it comes time to make the decision, the better. If you tell people that you “plan” to have children right away, and none come right away…oh, you’ll never hear the end of the advice. Tell people that you want to wait or that you believe you have enough children, and then find yourself pregnant when you had not “intended” to try…oh, some idiot will find it necessary to tell your child that he or she was a “mistake”. When people ask nosey questions, be coy and keep your thoughts about your private decisions private, as is your right. Speak as if you are keeping your options open, because life will teach you that your options need to be open whether you want them to be or not. You’ll live to thank yourself for it.

Decide what you want to do when the child is on the way, and when you give your reasons for what you do, do not pretend that you are acting according to a universal principle that extends to the same decision every time you make it for the rest of your life, let alone for anyone else. You’ll get a lot less unsolicited advice and pointless argument about your decisions that way, and you’ll not have your foot in your mouth when someone else finds a good reason to have done things differently than you did.

 

[SMHW]

I have been a working mother and I have been a SAHM. And now I am a mom of gown children who looking for a job after a layoff.

I don’t know what your degree is or how it relates to your job. My advice to you is to assume that your life will go through phases. And those phases will be doing a a kind of a dance with your husband’s career and the needs of any children you will have. Your career will have to fit into that dance.

My advice to would-be moms is to consider how your choice of career lends itself to full-time work, part-time work, shift work, at-home work, etc.

I think it is great when Moms stay home with their little ones. But I would also suggest that you always nurture your career prospects. Fit that into your budgeting, both financially and time-wise. You never know when you may have to take on the role of supporting your family and it is wise to always have marketable skills.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have been a working mother and I have been a SAHM. And now I am a mom of gown children who looking for a job after a layoff.

I don’t know what your degree is or how it relates to your job. My advice to you is to assume that your life will go through phases. And those phases will be doing a a kind of a dance with your husband’s career and the needs of any children you will have. Your career will have to fit into that dance.

My advice to would-be moms is to consider how your choice of career lends itself to full-time work, part-time work, shift work, at-home work, etc.

I think it is great when Moms stay home with their little ones. But I would also suggest that you always nurture your career prospects. Fit that into your budgeting, both financially and time-wise. You never know when you may have to take on the role of supporting your family and it is wise to always have marketable skills.

Yes. It is not wise to force yourself to be a business major when you have no interest in commerce, but within your own talents it is a good idea to develop them with an eye to the day when you could be asked to find a way to support your family by yourself on short notice.

 

[BettyBoop416]

I have a PhD in chemistry, I’ve stayed at home since my kids were born, and I beg to differ.

OK, we have a difference of opinion. That’s one of the many things that make this world interesting.

Who are you to tell my professors or my parents that it is a waste to educate me about this or that because I’m “only” going to be homeschooling children or doing some other work outside of that course of study? Who are you to decide who should learn and when development of the mind is a waste or isn’t?

Well, since I don’t know you, your parents, or your professors, I’m no one to tell them anything. I never claimed to be.

You seem to be taking this sort of personally. It’s not meant that way. Relax.

 

[TinyButterfly]

Congratulations!

Yes, everyone will want to give you advice about what you should do and how you should do it!

I learned to say “That’s something to think about” and then I did whatever I originally had planned to do in the first place. “Dh and I have decided” also came in handy as another poster said.

The bottom line is this is YOUR life and they don’t get to decide for you. If they are disappointed in your choices, that is okay. They will survive being disappointed.

And yes, as a poster up thread said, your life will be about phases. It is not a black and white issue. Circumstances change, children get older, what you want may change.

Some women stay home the entire time, some go back to work part-time or full-time as children get older. I have a friend who has homeschooled her 4 children, but now that the kids are older, she does seasonal work each year and works full-time from May through October. Some women go back to work full-time when the children are out of the nest. Some women don’t go back to work for pay, but instead concentrate on volunteer work as the children leave home. There are options.

Keeping up professionally, keeping your contacts, keeping your skills honed is always a good thing, even if you stay home in case you ever need to go back to work.

I am another one with a masters degree who chose to stay at home and raise children. I don’t feel my education was wasted. I know some people do think that it was, but that is their opinion. I disagree with them. That is fine. Shrugs.

Wishing you the best as you navigate this exciting time in your life! :hug1:

 

[EasterJoy]

OK, we have a difference of opinion. That’s one of the many things that make this world interesting.

Well, since I don’t know you, your parents, or your professors, I’m no one to tell them anything. I never claimed to be.

You seem to be taking this sort of personally. It’s not meant that way. Relax.

When you make a blanket statement like “That education, and the many thousands of dollars her parents spent to pay for that education, was wasted on someone who decided to be a stay-at-home mom,” rather than, for instance, the more specific “In retrospect, my cousin felt that her education, and the many thousands of dollars her parents spent to pay for that education, was wasted on her”, then why wouldn’t I take it personally?

I am “someone who decided to be a stay-at-home-mom”, and I will wager that my education was far more costly than hers. Regardless of how you “meant” it, your statement was an unequivocal commentary about whether stay-at-home moms ought to have graduate school educations! I don’t find your willingness to have a personal opinion about decisions that were mine instead of yours all that “interesting”. It’s not your business to declare educations like mine “was wasted” on someone like me, either. If that is not what you meant to say, then don’t say it. Say what you do mean, instead.

This is why I advised the OP: “…do not pretend that you are acting according to a universal principle that extends to the same decision every time you make it for the rest of your life, let alone for anyone else…you’ll not have your foot in your mouth when someone else finds a good reason to have done things differently than you did.”

Speak for yourself and for those you know who have given an opinion about their own lives, or else stick to universal truths that really are universal and true and be very clear that the rest is one way of looking at it. If you don’t, please relax and act less surprised when others take your views about how they live their lives “personally.”

 

[BettyBoop416]

When you make a blanket statement like “That education, and the many thousands of dollars her parents spent to pay for that education, was wasted on someone who decided to be a stay-at-home mom,” rather than, for instance, the more specific “In retrospect, my cousin felt that her education, and the many thousands of dollars her parents spent to pay for that education, was wasted on her”, then why wouldn’t I take it personally?

I am “someone who decided to be a stay-at-home-mom”, and I will wager that my education was far more costly than hers. Regardless of how you “meant” it, your statement was an unequivocal commentary about whether stay-at-home moms ought to have graduate school educations! I don’t find your willingness to have a personal opinion about decisions that were mine instead of yours all that “interesting”. It’s not your business to declare educations like mine “was wasted” on someone like me, either. If that is not what you meant to say, then don’t say it. Say what you do mean, instead.

This is why I advised the OP: “…do not pretend that you are acting according to a universal principle that extends to the same decision every time you make it for the rest of your life, let alone for anyone else…you’ll not have your foot in your mouth when someone else finds a good reason to have done things differently than you did.”

Speak for yourself and for those you know who have given an opinion about their own lives, or else stick to universal truths that really are universal and true and be very clear that the rest is one way of looking at it. If you don’t, please relax and act less surprised when others take your views about how they live their lives “personally.”

Good grief. You have gone right off the deep end. I think I’ll disengage before you hurt yourself.

 

[LittleRose]

It seems like there’s a tradeoff between financial security and having a traditional family. It is so nice to hear that it can work though, even in today’s world.

I see your info says you live in California. The financial trade off is certainly very noticeable there. (I know this because I used to live in CA.) But, it can be done if you are very very smart with your money.

If it comes down to it, you can always move somewhere where the cost of living is lower. Sometimes people do that to preserve the traditional family they want to have. You may also find, as I did after leaving CA that, depending on where you move, that the community may be more supportive of your family choices than in the region where you currently live.

 

[sweetpetunia]

Oh, and OP, the less you tell the world of your plans before it comes time to make the decision, the better. If you tell people that you “plan” to have children right away, and none come right away…oh, you’ll never hear the end of the advice. Tell people that you want to wait or that you believe you have enough children, and then find yourself pregnant when you had not “intended” to try…oh, some idiot will find it necessary to tell your child that he or she was a “mistake”. When people ask nosey questions, be coy and keep your thoughts about your private decisions private, as is your right. Speak as if you are keeping your options open, because life will teach you that your options need to be open whether you want them to be or not. You’ll live to thank yourself for it.

Decide what you want to do when the child is on the way, and when you give your reasons for what you do, do not pretend that you are acting according to a universal principle that extends to the same decision every time you make it for the rest of your life, let alone for anyone else. You’ll get a lot less unsolicited advice and pointless argument about your decisions that way, and you’ll not have your foot in your mouth when someone else finds a good reason to have done things differently than you did.

This is very true, because neither people nor life circumstances remain static. You’d be amazed at how many people who planned a large family ended up with a small one due to circumstances beyond their control, or those who wanted a small family ended up creating large families–and loving it This is also true of work-related parenting decisions and basically any other parenting decision, inclusive of home-schooling It has been said that no two children are born into the same family—and this is definitely true! Each child enters into a different family dynamic, and he himself (she/herself) also contributes to its evolution. Life, too, throws curve balls, and people change. There could be job losses, infertility, post-partum issues, illness, or loss of a loved one. On the other hand, there could also be a financial windfall, unexpected pregnancy, health improvement, or one might find a new found support or inner strength–and these are just a few examples of game changers!

Personally, I do share my future plans and goals with trusted loved ones when asked, but I tend to express them in the short term; e.g., “I hope to do ‘x’ for now” or “I’d like to do ‘y’ for the next year” or “I love the idea of ‘z’ and am going to give it a go” or “I plan to do ‘a’ for now, but am open to ‘b’ in the future.” It works for me

 

[omniainbonum]

I used to be a stay at home mom and now I have to work (from home) because dh lost his job. I would give anything to be a SAHM mom again. I loved it. (I have a good degree from a good school, I didn’t regret not working).

 

[gardenswithkids]

…The problem is that everyone except my fiance thinks it’s foolish to rely on one income (what if he should lose his job?) My parents think I’d be wasting the education they paid for. Other people say it is mean to put so much pressure on my husband to support a family alone. Others say my job is a blessing and that I should be thankful to be employed when so many aren’t, how could I just throw it away? I have never gotten any positive feedback, which makes me wonder if I’m even making the right decision Are there any stay at home moms out there that can offer advice with how to handle all these doubts?

As others said, you don’t have to respond to everyone, but I sense in reading this thread that you are the one with doubts who wants to hear responses to these questions.

If a husband who has a SAH wife loses his job, the family is used to living on one income. I know SAHM who went back to work and even if they didn’t have good jobs or many hours, when their paychecks combined with unemployment insurance, the families did fine until the husband found a job. Families tend to spend what they make, and two income families don’t have as much flexibility if something happens to one of those jobs.

If your parents paid for your education, tell them thank you. As they age, they might better appreciate having someone in the family devoted to being a full time care giver. Many SAHM eventually help elderly relatives with daily tasks, medical visits, and more. I grew up with a working mom and my parents paid for my education. They never felt it was wasted–and my education came in particularly handy to them during the last few years of their lives.

If it puts additional pressure on your husband to be the sole provider, that won’t neccesarily be a bad thing. Yes, it will likely put additional pressure on your husband to be the sole provider. It may also free him to devote himself to his work more because he doesn’t have to worry about what’s going on at home if you have that covered. Pressure isn’t always bad–sometimes more pressure is what helps a person achieve more. My husband does quite well at his job, thankyouverymuch, and it’s in part because he knows how to work under pressure far better than most. I don’t get much credit for my husband’s achievements, but I’ll take some of it here. There’s an old saying–behind every great man is a great woman. So, yes, there will likely be more pressure on your husband to provide for his family. (And to any man reading this feeling the pressure as the sole provider for your family, thank you.)

And finally, to the comments about your job being a great blessing, yes! Your job is a great blessing to you at this time. When the time comes to quit, you will not be “throwing it away”. You will be passing it to someone else. Somebody else may also benefit from doing your current job. if you should leave your current place of employment in order to care for your husband and children. I worked a few jobs before I quit to stay home. In every case, I was replaced by someone who was grateful for the job that I left. Employees are easier to replace than parents. If they tell you that good help is hard to find and that you’ll be hard to replace–remember that because it’s one more great reason to be the primary care provider for any kids you might have in the future!

 

[EasterJoy]

Personally, I do share my future plans and goals with trusted loved ones when asked, but I tend to express them in the short term; e.g., “I hope to do ‘x’ for now” or “I’d like to do ‘y’ for the next year” or “I love the idea of ‘z’ and am going to give it a go” or “I plan to do ‘a’ for now, but am open to ‘b’ in the future.” It works for me

This works, too, especially if you don’t happen to have friends and relatives that press past quotes on you! It’s more fun to be a little more open, where that can be done without getting the 3rd degree about it one way or the other!

 

[EasterJoy]

If a husband who has a SAH wife loses his job, the family is used to living on one income. I know SAHM who went back to work and even if they didn’t have good jobs or many hours, when their paychecks combined with unemployment insurance, the families did fine until the husband found a job. Families tend to spend what they make, and two income families don’t have as much flexibility if something happens to one of those jobs…

If it puts additional pressure on your husband to be the sole provider, that won’t neccesarily be a bad thing. Yes, it will likely put additional pressure on your husband to be the sole provider. It may also free him to devote himself to his work more because he doesn’t have to worry about what’s going on at home if you have that covered. Pressure isn’t always bad–sometimes more pressure is what helps a person achieve more. My husband does quite well at his job, thankyouverymuch, and it’s in part because he knows how to work under pressure far better than most. I don’t get much credit for my husband’s achievements, but I’ll take some of it here. There’s an old saying–behind every great man is a great woman. So, yes, there will likely be more pressure on your husband to provide for his family. (And to any man reading this feeling the pressure as the sole provider for your family, thank you.)

And finally, to the comments about your job being a great blessing, yes! Your job is a great blessing to you at this time. When the time comes to quit, you will not be “throwing it away”. You will be passing it to someone else. Somebody else may also benefit from doing your current job. if you should leave your current place of employment in order to care for your husband and children. I worked a few jobs before I quit to stay home. In every case, I was replaced by someone who was grateful for the job that I left. Employees are easier to replace than parents. If they tell you that good help is hard to find and that you’ll be hard to replace–remember that because it’s one more great reason to be the primary care provider for any kids you might have in the future!

Two great points in here–
a) It is a wise two-income family that continues to live as if it has only one, where that is possible. It not only is a safeguard against adversity, but also gives the family far more flexibility in terms of career moves.
b) Having the everyday demands of the “2nd shift” (as one Berkeley sociologist called it) removed when there is a single salaried worker can be a great relief, too, particularly when that worker does not have a job with regular hours. It is like having an executive secretary for the whole family. It can be a lifesaver.

Having said that, some people simply do not do well staying at home with their kids and some kids do not do as well being one-on-one with a parent as they do running around with a group of kids much of the time. Some salaried workers are very unhappy at the job situation that allows them to support the family single-handedly, or have to put in so many hours that they barely get the joy of parenting themselves. There are many reasons that a one-salary situation might not work out well, even for families that very much wanted to do that, and so it is wise for everyone with the capacity to educate themselves for a paying career that will suit them.

Other people, married and not, train at a job and hate the career even though they loved the subject matter. If they are lucky, they find their employment in another field. That doesn’t mean they wasted their time getting their educations. I even know a chef who, after culinary school, went back to school and got a master’s degree in chemistry, then decided he didn’t want to do research after all and went back to restaurant work. I don’t think he ever regretted it. An education brings something out of you, it develops a side of you, it answers questions you have about yourself that can’t be answered in another way, and that can never be taken away. When the opportunity is there without impoverishing some other side of life, it is a great thing.

 

[hurting]

Seconding the idea that you should, after marriage, live on only one salary, but would add that the single salary should be that of the one who’ll continue workign after the kids come. In this case, that’s you, or so it sounds. Bank every dime - and I mean every last one - no vacations or extravagant purchases from your earnings, plowng as much as you can into tax-deferred retirement accounts.

Two people can certainly live as cheaply as one. Your kids will thank you for it some day.

 

[EasterJoy]

Seconding the idea that you should, after marriage, live on only one salary, but would add that the single salary should be that of the one who’ll continue workign after the kids come. In this case, that’s you, or so it sounds. Bank every dime - and I mean every last one - no vacations or extravagant purchases from your earnings, plowng as much as you can into tax-deferred retirement accounts.

Two people can certainly live as cheaply as one. Your kids will thank you for it some day.

As opposed to the far-too-common course of action, which is to start a standard of living that you can’t afford yet, but that you expect you’ll have because of the career you are going into. It is amazing to see what kind of cars some of the medical students and law students drive these days! Some of them are in student loan debt up to their ears. I suppose they’re trying to keep up with classmates whose wealthy parents provide such things, but it boggles the mind, all the same.

 

[1inICXC]

Remember this phrase: This is what {husband’s name} and I have decided is best.

You never have to explain or justify any decision you make to anyone; all that does is make them think they have room to change your mind. Announce anything with a great deal of joy and happiness!!! Oh, Mom and Dad, isn’t it great! We are pregnant!!! Oh, Mom and Dad, isn’t it great!!! Everything is going to work out so I can stay home with the baby!!! Oh, Mom and Dad, isn’t it great, we’re going to be able to homeschool!!! Oh, Mom and Dad, isn’t it great, we’re expecting our seventh baby!!! (by which time, hopefully, they will have given up on you altogether LOL)

And don’t give them too much info ahead of time!!!

Congratulations on your engagement, your finace sounds lovely!

Annie, mother of 4 homeschooled children whose mother was DEAD SET against homeschooling and having more children than the number one already has!

I love this!

And while you appreciate the fact that your parents payed for your education- which definitely is something to be grateful for! you may also consider the other side; I very much appreciate the experience of working my way through school and having my diploma and doing whatever I want with it without anyone having expectations of me because THEY payed. I also appreciate knowing that if I was able to work and achieve excellent results at school, there is no reason why my children wouldn’t be able to achieve that, if they chose to go that route. I don’t feel pressured to pay for my children’s education and I consider I’m putting in a much GREATER investment homeschooling them. Ultimately it is your choice and while I completely admit that sometimes I pine at the thought of having “given all that up” but I realize that my greatest calling is to be the best mother, the best wife and. of course, the best Christian I can be… working, at this point, would be an obstacle in these endeavours.

 

[embear]

As others said, you don’t have to respond to everyone, but I sense in reading this thread that you are the one with doubts who wants to hear responses to these questions.

You are quite right. I am not so concerned with what others think of me and my decisions, it is just hard not to doubt that I’m making the right decision when everyone is telling me I’m being foolish. I was hoping some stay at home moms could offer some encouragement and helpful advice, which they have (thank you everyone ).

 

[EasterJoy]

You are quite right. I am not so concerned with what others think of me and my decisions, it is just hard not to doubt that I’m making the right decision when everyone is telling me I’m being foolish. I was hoping some stay at home moms could offer some encouragement and helpful advice, which they have (thank you everyone ).

I’m a believer, but it isn’t for everyone, and I firmly believe it is important to stress that. You and your husband will do best if you stay flexible, so you can do what turns out to be best for your children (and perhaps later, your parents) when the time comes. I was going to keep mine at home at least until first grade, but they were both speech delayed and hard of hearing and needed specialized teachers in order to learn to talk. Sometimes your kids have needs that you can’t meet. Even if it is something you think “other moms” could do, be willing to admit what you have the aptitude to do and what you don’t. If you have to go back to work, you’ll at least have a career that will suit you.