Advice from your leadership experiences

[DisorientingSneeze]

It is starting to look like I might become coordinator of the mom’s ministry at our parish next school year. I didn’t have any Catholic friends in real life before joining this moms group last year. This year they talked me into joining them on leadership, and next year they are asking me to consider taking over as coordinator. I’m a little hesitant because I feel like there are so many unspoken social rules of theirs I’m just not privy to being newish and unexpected sides of people’s personalities I will come across.

I know that wasn’t terribly specific and I don’t have a specific question. Do you have any advice or cautions from your time spent in volunteer positions in charge of any parish social clubs or ministries?

 

[ServusDei2019]

Do you have any advice or cautions from your time spent in volunteer positions in charge of any parish social clubs or ministries?

At my previous parish, the secretary had all but taken over parish affairs, and (I suspect, though I don’t mean to slander) some financial misdeeds. All efforts to bypass her authority were stonewalled, and a sort of “Old Guard” prevailed. The parish finally closed (sadly), due to financial difficulties.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

That’s so sad. I’m sorry to hear that.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

I was born in Asia of Asian parents, raised in North America by these same Asian parents, eventually married a Frenchman and now live in France. So believe me, I know what it’s like to be in a situation where you feel there’s so much under the surface that you’re not privy to

Despite these challenges, for six years I was the head sacristan at one of my parish’s three churches. I am the only American in the parish, and currently the only Asian (during my time living in this parish, the most there have ever been at one time is five adults and six children). Lots of unspoken social norms to consider.

The best advice I can give is to be yourself. It’s very difficult to be someone other than yourself on an ongoing basis.

In order to give specific advice relevant to your situation, I need to ask: What responsibilities does being the coordinator actually entail?

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

In order to give specific advice relevant to your situation, I need to ask: What responsibilities does being the coordinator actually entail?

I wish I knew! So far I just know that the current coordinator says it shouldn’t be much more of a time commitment than my current spot as membership coordinator (those responsibilities no one explained to me until after they talked me into it). If I do take over, communicating what these volunteer opportunities entail will be part of my goals instead of just…hey buddy we like you, you should so be on leadership. I hope that there would be less hesitation to help if people know what they’d actually be doing.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

Ah, so there is currently someone in the position. Couldn’t you ask her exactly what she does?

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

Yes. She is going to show me the ropes over the summer.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

Wonderful! That’s more than I got (long story), and while it turned out all right in the end, the road to All Right would have been a lot less aggravating if I hadn’t had to travel it in near-total darkness.

While you wait for this, what specific concerns might we be able to help you with right now?

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

Maybe forming realistic expectations about how much people will communicate.

I return people’s texts within a few hours usually when other members of leadership ask me something. The same people don’t text me back at all over actual business related to our ministry. We are all distracted moms, so I get it, but it is a little intimidating to be in charge of the whole thing knowing the people I need to do their various jobs will ghost me for days.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

Maybe also any rules or norms that seem generally applicable to groups functioning within a parish.

 

[on_the_hill]

1. Don’t assume you’re responsible for knowing it all. If you’re not sure how to handle a situation, ASK how it had been done in the past.
2. Don’t assume that the most outspoken of the group speaks for everyone.
3. Assume that whatever you decide to do will be met with some resistance. And get over it. No matter what you do to make people happy, there are those who will not be happy. There is nothing you can do to change that fact, but don’t let that get in the way of doing it anyway.
4. You’re more likely to hear from complainers than from supporters. That doesn’t mean everyone is a complainer.
5. Most of the time, what people are looking for is for you to be the person who makes the decision, and they don’t really care what the decision is. They just need someone to say it.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

I’m seriously going to print that and keep it in a folder. Those look like exactly the sort of things that are learned by experience. Thank you!

 

[on_the_hill]

I’m seriously going to print that and keep it in a folder. Those look like exactly the sort of things that are learned by experience. Thank you!

Thanks. Those just kind of rolled out on their own.
And, oh yes, they are from experience. Sometimes from painful experience.
But what I’ve found is that sometimes when you’re at your lowest, someone from somewhere will drop into your life and say, “Good job,” at just the right moment.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

I return people’s texts within a few hours usually when other members of leadership ask me something. The same people don’t text me back at all over actual business related to our ministry. We are all distracted moms, so I get it, but it is a little intimidating to be in charge of the whole thing knowing the people I need to do their various jobs will ghost me for days.

Right off the bat I’ll say to accept that this situation may not change, and if it does it may not do so right away.

Maybe also any rules or norms that seem generally applicable to groups functioning within a parish.

@on_the_hill has posted a good general list, to which I’ll add only two things (for now ):

First, know who is directly “over” you and establish a relationship with that person in case (s)he ever needs to intervene. In my case, my “boss” was our pastor. If a problem came up that we sacristans could not resolve on our own, either because we were deadlocked in conflict or we lacked the authority, I went to our pastor and got him involved.

Second, whatever level of authority you have, exercise that and only that. No more, no less. Know when to enlist the help of those “under” you, and know when to seek the involvement of those “over” you.

In any event, I think we can all agree that this should never happen:

the secretary had all but taken over parish affairs, and (I suspect, though I don’t mean to slander) some financial misdeeds. All efforts to bypass her authority were stonewalled, and a sort of “Old Guard” prevailed.

And yet, I know it does and have seen it unfold before my own eyes.

 

[on_the_hill]

and know when to seek the involvement of those “over” you.

That’s another good one. There was only one time my boss got a little upset with me, and that was when I handled on my own a conflict with a higher-up. I apologized and he said ‘that’s alright, you did what you thought was best.’

 

[Irishmom2]

So… Picture being the over person in charge and no one answers your texts when you are trying to get something done. Call me cynical, but sometimes no one tells you they are offering you the position because it’s a pain in the … To them. Give it to the new person, they don’t know what it entails.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

Call me cynical, but sometimes no one tells you they are offering you the position because it’s a pain in the … To them.

You might be on to something. My friend who is the coordinator now says she would do it again but her husband told her no. He isn’t usually the put his foot down type. I did question, if its not a considerable time commitment, why is he so against it? Her explanation was that she likes to talk out her decision making. He was tired of hearing about it.

I proceed with caution. Also when I reluctantly said yes, she joyfully threw the ziploc bag she was holding into the air so far it hit the ceiling. Something is up.