Advice needed about my marrage

[Lowly_Servant]

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We have 4 beautiful children. Being young and naive when we married, my wife was on the pill. I protested and after 4 years she agreed to go off of the pill. A year later we were blessed with our first child. Then twins and again our fourth child. While my wife was pregnant with our fourth child one of the twins became gravely ill and nearly died. Thanks to Jesus and His many miracles she is doing well. However her illness has caused a financial hardship that continues to this day. I suggested to my wife that we use natural family planning. I obtained as much information about natural family planning as I could. My wife insisted on the use of condoms. I sought out advice from our pastor and he agreed with her, saying that we had a special circumstance where having another child would be unfair to the children that we already have. Over the years my wife has said that she wanted me to get a vasectomy, I flatly refused. She then decided that she would get her tubes tied even though I told her that it was against my wishes. She went and had it done anyway. We are now having difficulties with our marriage and are going for counseling at my request. She has told me on more than occasion that she was going to divorce me if I did not conform to her way of doing things. I have done all that I can do to save my marriage, but I feel I have to be victimized to do so. Our children need our support and I feel that getting a divorce will only cause them harm. I am more that willing to suffer for the sake of my children if that’s God’s will.

 

[RedSoxFan]

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years. We have 4 beautiful children. Being young and naive when we married, my wife was on the pill. I protested and after 4 years she agreed to go off of the pill. A year later we were blessed with our first child. Then twins and again our fourth child. While my wife was pregnant with our fourth child one of the twins became gravely ill and nearly died. Thanks to Jesus and His many miracles she is doing well. However her illness has caused a financial hardship that continues to this day. I suggested to my wife that we use natural family planning. I obtained as much information about natural family planning as I could. My wife insisted on the use of condoms. I sought out advice from our pastor and he agreed with her, saying that we had a special circumstance where having another child would be unfair to the children that we already have. Over the years my wife has said that she wanted me to get a vasectomy, I flatly refused. She then decided that she would get her tubes tied even though I told her that it was against my wishes. She went and had it done anyway. We are now having difficulties with our marriage and are going for counseling at my request. She has told me on more than occasion that she was going to divorce me if I did not conform to her way of doing things. I have done all that I can do to save my marriage, but I feel I have to be victimized to do so. Our children need our support and I feel that getting a divorce will only cause them harm. I am more that willing to suffer for the sake of my children if that’s God’s will.

The first thing you need to do is go to a real Pastor who hasn’t sold out. Second thing is to pray. Ask St. Mary and St. Joe to help you out as well. Here is where my advice becomes very difficult to follow, and it’s up to you what you do. Thirdly I would stand my ground. “I’m the man here, and it’s God’s will that I be in charge of the family.” This whole things sounds like a struggle for power. I would hope that your conselor can figure out why this is. Honestly this sounds more like your wife’s issues rather than yours. It’s almost like she is going through a mid-life crisis, and her logic for using condoms just doesn’t make any sense. Stand your ground and be firm. Pray and the rest is on her conscience because you would have done everything you could.
Good Luck!

 

[1ke]

I suggest you look into marriage counseling through the Catholic Church and the program Retrouvaille www.retrouvaille.org and/or Marriage Encounter www.wwme.org. These programs have helped many marriages.

I am sorry that your wife disregards church teaching. I am also sorry that you got such poor advice from the priest when you sought his counsel.

Your wife has now had her tubes tied against your wishes and is now sterile, so what more does she want from you? At this point, **you **commit no sin when having relations with her. Why is she talking of divorce now?

 

[RWMorris]

There is nothing you can do at this point since she has already had her tubes tied. If I were you, I would try to actively forgive her and move on. You didn’t commit a sin, she did; but it is now over. Don’t hold it against her. That is petty. Do go to counseling but remember Jesus called us to forgive when someone, even our spouses, commits a sin against us.

 

[GhostMan]

You need to realize that your wife has - in some sense - seperated herself from you and declared herself to be able to make joint decisions (ABC) for the both of you. She is in active and open rebellion. At this point you will have to decide if the marriage is worth saving. She obviously does not see the God ordained role that she has in a marriage as something she needs to follow. If you need to stay for the sake of the children, then that is a sacrifice you may need to make. Once they are grown, however, you may want to seperate and live apart. You can’t divorce, obviously, but she seems to have no interest in a marriage being a joint work with two people united in Christ.

She needs to be called to repentence by the Church and she needs to seek your forgiveness. Even if you have already forgiven her, or are planning to. She has attempted to break what God declares must not be broken and until she repents and puts herself into the God ordained role as wife and partner, not independent agent, she is sinning.

You must love her, but that does not mean you must accept her behavior. She has stripped from you your rights as husband and stolen from you. What she has done is demeaning and abusive behavior. This needs to be corrected on her part to rejuvinate the union. If she can’t respect you, then you have no future together.

 

[rinnie]

it seems to me that there is more to this than just means of birth control. i, like you guys got married very young. and my husband and i also made alot of mistakes who hasnt. but please try to love each other. dont make it between whos right and whos wrong. it will never get solved that way. what both of you need to do is first sit down and figure out whats really wrong. Then you have to try to figure out how you are going to work it out. we have had our ups and downs and life is so so hard. and with money, and work and stress of kids there is just no time left. and especially speaking for your wife sometimes we just feel like we are trying to please the world. but my husband and i now take time for eachother GOD first eachother next. the best thing in the world you can ever give those kids is to have a mother and father that love eachother. find that love that you once had. go to st Jude, its the family joke in my house because i always say he is my favorite st because he is for the hopeless. good luck and God bless you both. and please forgive eachother and love eachother then everything else will seem easy. and put your trust in God and st Jude will help you work miracles.

 

[FrankLawrence]

Is your wife Catholic? It doesn’t sound like it at all.

 

[Ravyn_Guiliani]

There is nothing you can do at this point since she has already had her tubes tied. If I were you, I would try to actively forgive her and move on. You didn’t commit a sin, she did; but it is now over. Don’t hold it against her. That is petty. Do go to counseling but remember Jesus called us to forgive when someone, even our spouses, commits a sin against us.

amen!

 

[exiled]

I agree with the previous poster who pointed out that this is not your sin. Stay with your family, be a witness of love and forgiveness, and that will do more to bring her around than filing for divorce.

 

[Lowly_Servant]

Is your wife Catholic? It doesn’t sound like it at all.

She entered in to full union with the Catholic Church through the RCIA program after we were married. She also knows how serious I take our faith. I have shared with her the facts about the choices that she has made, even before she made them. She is not ignorant to the teachings of our faith. She can not submit. If she refuses to submit to God, I can never expect her to submit to me or my wishes.* I pray for her everyday and will continue to do so.

*(only the wishes that support church teaching and the will of God)

 

[anna1978]

Your wife sound scared…scared that she already is upto her ears in stress because of your daughter+ caring for the rest of the family, scared that ‘one more’ will be the straw that broke the camels back…I think in her own way she is trying to re-gain some control over her life, keeping things ‘manageable’, so she doesn’t crack…I think, more than anything she needs to know that whatever happens, you will be right there with her…and yes, she’s made some wrong choices…but out of fear, out of desperation…keep praying for her! Keep telling her that you love her and that you will be there…This is NOT running out of control, TOGETHER you can manage this, together with God! You sound like a wonderful, loving, caring husband and father and she is very lucky to have you. But spiritually she is in a different place…all you can do is pray for her and help her get closer to God. One day she will see things your way, but right now…she simply sounds like someone struggling to stay with her head above water. She doesn’t yet understand that if she LET’S GO of her control-issues and fears, God will hold her and help her carry her burdens…but I think, with your help and support, one day she will! Lots of prayers for you and your family!!!

Anna x