Advice needed: asking significant other to convert

[angeline15]

My boyfriend and I have been dating close to 2 years, and we are both moving towards marriage. I’m confident in every way that he is right for me- his values, his morals, his temperament, and his background match mine perfectly and he is very supportive of my faith. He has respected my boundaries (ie: no sex before marriage, not living together before marriage, etc) and has accompanied me to church, stations of the cross, and has been reading books on Catholicism. I consider him the result of many novenas praying for someone right for me. This is the first serious relationship for each of us.

His parents are both former Catholics, now in their 50’s, and told me at dinner that they blamed it on Catholic schools. I went to 12 years of Catholic school and had an excellent experience, and find that that seems to be more of an excuse than anything. Consequently, he and his brothers were never baptized or given a religious background beyond ‘watered down Christianity’. They determined that their children can pick a religion when they are older, and as such, all of them are spiritual without religion.

I’ve told my parents that he is not Catholic, and my father is extremely disappointed, to the point where he overlooks his good qualities, and minimizes the relationship. My mother sees this as an obstacle that must be overcome prior to marriage and children.

With RCIA starting in the fall, I’m wondering if it would be wise to ask someone to look into conversion. It seems so personal and private, that I feel that leading my example and praying is the best course of action.

Does anyone have advice or experience? Thank you all for reading and God bless! Sorry for the length!

 

[Lorelei12]

Your boyfriend’s family sounds a lot like my husband’s, except that he was baptized as a child to please his relatives. His parents resent that they were made to go to church as children and as a result never brought him up in the faith, not wanting to “force” it on him.

Discerning marriage is serious business, and there’s a lot to think about regarding how you will deal with religion in your home and how you will raise your children. Is your boyfriend willing to allow you to raise your children as Catholics?

In my case, my husband does attend Mass with me and has agreed that our children will be raised as Catholics. He is supportive of my faith, even though he does not always understand it or agree. Before we were married, he did offer to go through RCIA and receive the rest of his sacraments, but he was only doing it for me. I told him that I wanted it to be his decision, and he did get information from our priest but ultimately did not attend. I always pray that one day he will, but I want it to be his freely-made decision. I do not want him to profess a faith he isn’t entirely convinced about, and like you, I feel that the best I can do is be a good example and pray.

I certainly understand your parents’ disappointment- I know that mine were probably, too, although they never once pressured me about it. I wasn’t sure how they were going to react to our engagement, but they offered us nothing but congratulations and let us complete our marriage preparation through our priest and the church without comment, and trusted the process and us. My family loves him dearly. I think it’s fine for your parents to express their concerns and that you should listen respectfully, but this decision is yours. It might be a good idea if both you and your boyfriend met with a priest to discuss marriage discernment and make sure that your boyfriend knows what a Catholic marriage entails. This might help you decide whether it’s right or not, and make your parents feel a little better.

 

[angeline15]

Your boyfriend’s family sounds a lot like my husband’s, except that he was baptized as a child to please his relatives. His parents resent that they were made to go to church as children and as a result never brought him up in the faith, not wanting to “force” it on him.

Discerning marriage is serious business, and there’s a lot to think about regarding how you will deal with religion in your home and how you will raise your children. Is your boyfriend willing to allow you to raise your children as Catholics?

In my case, my husband does attend Mass with me and has agreed that our children will be raised as Catholics. He is supportive of my faith, even though he does not always understand it or agree. Before we were married, he did offer to go through RCIA and receive the rest of his sacraments, but he was only doing it for me. I told him that I wanted it to be his decision, and he did get information from our priest but ultimately did not attend. I always pray that one day he will, but I want it to be his freely-made decision. I do not want him to profess a faith he isn’t entirely convinced about, and like you, I feel that the best I can do is be a good example and pray.

I certainly understand your parents’ disappointment- I know that mine were probably, too, although they never once pressured me about it. I wasn’t sure how they were going to react to our engagement, but they offered us nothing but congratulations and let us complete our marriage preparation through our priest and the church without comment, and trusted the process and us. My family loves him dearly. I think it’s fine for your parents to express their concerns and that you should listen respectfully, but this decision is yours. It might be a good idea if both you and your boyfriend met with a priest to discuss marriage discernment and make sure that your boyfriend knows what a Catholic marriage entails. This might help you decide whether it’s right or not, and make your parents feel a little better.

Thanks for the reply! We discussed it while dating- and he says he would always support my faith and my obligation to raise any children as Catholic. However, I have two church going parents (married 35 years!) and I think that seeing both parents equally involved in the Church really was important in my faith formation as a child. While I would prefer this scenario, I respect that it’s not my decision to make. I have met Catholic guys who are not good matches for me, so this scenario is preferable to others.

I’m happy that you and your husband have such a similar story and seem to work well together. I read that St. Monica (my confirmation saint) had to pray daily for her husband and son to convert…and her husband and son ended up as saints, so surely prayer has some great results!

I will definitely see my parish priest if/when marriage comes up, and I’ll see how both of our families react. I know both my parents really love him, but are worried as my other cousins marry outside the church and gradually become less Catholic. Three have had secular weddings, and two are now not baptizing their own children…

I’ll keep your family in my prayer intentions.
Thanks!

 

[tawny]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give your boyfriend guidance & direction in his conversion to the Church.

 

[pianistclare]

You’re best bet/hope is that he connects somehow with the priest who will be marrying you and who will be doing your pre-cana classes.
He should come to this decision on his own. Not because he wants to please you. It IS a personal thing, and it is something that he very well may come to decide…but it has to happen organically and not because you asked.
My pastor is very good, I have seen many young couples counseled by him, and sure enough, the non-Catholic inquires soon after the marriage. But he would never expect you to pull them along the path.
It’s hard, I know, when you desire it so bad for your beloved. Be patient, and keep being a good example, a good source of apologetics, and supportive of his spirituality.
I wouldn’t give up, but neither would I force the issue.
Hopefully your priest can also say this to dad. Just because he is not Catholic today, does not mean he never will be. Sounds like he is open to the Holy Spirit.

 

[angeline15]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give your boyfriend guidance & direction in his conversion to the Church.

Thank you!

And thank you pianistclare for more great advice! Its definitely bringing me hope.

 

[1caddis]

I would recommend that you not ask or pressure him to convert. In my experience, most priests do not recommend this anyway. I was not Catholic when my wife and I married. I did agree to raise our children as Catholics and attended mass with my wife over the years. my wife never once even mentioned to me the possibility of me becoming Catholic, although Im sure she prayed for it. I eventually entered RCIA and became Catholic on my own time (14 years into our marriage). Next Easter will be my 10 year anniversary of my conversion. My point with this is that this is a very personal decision for your significant other and he should not be pressured to make it by you (or your family).

I wish you the best. Know that others are praying for you.

 

[mh2007]

Love conquers all.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

With RCIA starting in the fall, I’m wondering if it would be wise to ask someone to look into conversion. It seems so personal and private, that I feel that leading my example and praying is the best course of action.

Does anyone have advice or experience? Thank you all for reading and God bless! Sorry for the length!

Yes, faith is personal but if you are thinking of marriage, it is appropriate to speak of personal things. It is quite fair to say that you want the father of your children to be a Catholic man. You can take a chance and marry a non-Christian but it is a real gamble with your life and your children’s lives.

 

[Reclaim]

Two points you should consider, although it is hard to do when you are in love:

1. Are you confident that if something ever happened to you, that he would continue to raise your children Catholic? What if he were to remarry a non-Catholic? I am not trying to imply that he would not want to respect your wishes, but I think it is unlikely that most non-Catholics would REALLY, REALLY understand how keeping the kids Catholic would be of utmost importance.
2. It is hard enough to live a Catholic life alone, or with a Catholic spouse. I am not questioning his goodness or his love for you – I don’t know either one of you – but you need to be VERY sure that he will stand by you with difficult moral decisions. Does he fully understand and accept Catholic sexual teachings? Many Christians don’t understand that marriage doesn’t mean “anything that goes in the bedroom is okay.” If you are become gravely ill, will he have enough knowledge to follow Catholic teaching and not give in to intense pressure from medical personnel to withhold care?

Please think about all these things. He should NOT become Catholic if he doesn’t believe and accept the Church’s teachings – that would be a lie. However, if he could honestly convert and accept all our Faith teaches, your life together would be a lot easier.

 

[white_sheep]

Your mom is right. Ask him. That’s the only way. If he won’t then get a new boyfriend.

 

[ClearWater]

My boyfriend and I have been dating close to 2 years, and we are both moving towards marriage. I’m confident in every way that he is right for me- his values, his morals, his temperament, and his background match mine perfectly and he is very supportive of my faith. He has respected my boundaries (ie: no sex before marriage, not living together before marriage, etc) and has accompanied me to church, stations of the cross, and has been reading books on Catholicism. I consider him the result of many novenas praying for someone right for me. This is the first serious relationship for each of us.

His parents are both former Catholics, now in their 50’s, and told me at dinner that they blamed it on Catholic schools. I went to 12 years of Catholic school and had an excellent experience, and find that that seems to be more of an excuse than anything. Consequently, he and his brothers were never baptized or given a religious background beyond ‘watered down Christianity’. They determined that their children can pick a religion when they are older, and as such, all of them are spiritual without religion.

I’ve told my parents that he is not Catholic, and my father is extremely disappointed, to the point where he overlooks his good qualities, and minimizes the relationship. My mother sees this as an obstacle that must be overcome prior to marriage and children.

With RCIA starting in the fall, I’m wondering if it would be wise to ask someone to look into conversion. It seems so personal and private, that I feel that leading my example and praying is the best course of action.

Does anyone have advice or experience? Thank you all for reading and God bless! Sorry for the length!

Since you asked, here’s my :twocents:

Accept him as he is. If you can’t, then you would need to reconsider your relationship.

I think Precana marriage preparation would help you both clarify the issue of faith.

A lot of women go into relationships thinking, “I can change him”, but that’s not the ideal position to approach a relationship.

 

[ClearWater]

The concern about marrying a non-Catholic is being “unevenly yoked” as some would put it. Spiritually, you might end up doing all the work.

 

[Xantippe]

My boyfriend and I have been dating close to 2 years, and we are both moving towards marriage. I’m confident in every way that he is right for me- his values, his morals, his temperament, and his background match mine perfectly and he is very supportive of my faith. He has respected my boundaries (ie: no sex before marriage, not living together before marriage, etc) and has accompanied me to church, stations of the cross, and has been reading books on Catholicism. I consider him the result of many novenas praying for someone right for me. This is the first serious relationship for each of us.

His parents are both former Catholics, now in their 50’s, and told me at dinner that they blamed it on Catholic schools. I went to 12 years of Catholic school and had an excellent experience, and find that that seems to be more of an excuse than anything. Consequently, he and his brothers were never baptized or given a religious background beyond ‘watered down Christianity’. They determined that their children can pick a religion when they are older, and as such, all of them are spiritual without religion.

I’ve told my parents that he is not Catholic, and my father is extremely disappointed, to the point where he overlooks his good qualities, and minimizes the relationship. My mother sees this as an obstacle that must be overcome prior to marriage and children.

With RCIA starting in the fall, I’m wondering if it would be wise to ask someone to look into conversion. It seems so personal and private, that I feel that leading my example and praying is the best course of action.

Does anyone have advice or experience? Thank you all for reading and God bless! Sorry for the length!

I would suggest RCIA just as an inquirer.

There is a tendency for RCIA to be a conveyor belt to conversion and the sacraments, but if you’re very clear that he’s there primarily for education, that would be a good way to test the water. And he might actually convert.

I think you can reasonably ask him to do RCIA for you as an inquirer, but that asking him to convert for you is iffy. If it were me, I’d want him to want it for himself.

 

[angeline15]

Two points you should consider, although it is hard to do when you are in love:

1. Are you confident that if something ever happened to you, that he would continue to raise your children Catholic? What if he were to remarry a non-Catholic? I am not trying to imply that he would not want to respect your wishes, but I think it is unlikely that most non-Catholics would REALLY, REALLY understand how keeping the kids Catholic would be of utmost importance.
2. It is hard enough to live a Catholic life alone, or with a Catholic spouse. I am not questioning his goodness or his love for you – I don’t know either one of you – but you need to be VERY sure that he will stand by you with difficult moral decisions. Does he fully understand and accept Catholic sexual teachings? Many Christians don’t understand that marriage doesn’t mean “anything that goes in the bedroom is okay.” If you are become gravely ill, will he have enough knowledge to follow Catholic teaching and not give in to intense pressure from medical personnel to withhold care?

Please think about all these things. He should NOT become Catholic if he doesn’t believe and accept the Church’s teachings – that would be a lie. However, if he could honestly convert and accept all our Faith teaches, your life together would be a lot easier.

These are very good points.
It’s definitely something worth bringing up when the situation is right. I make an effort to bring up catholic viewpoints on things when the occasions arise, but it’s hard for two people without kids and who are celibate to talk about sexual morality and child rearing.

I’ll pray that I have the ability to phrase everything correctly. I’ve spoken to my parish priest before and he recommended a catholic book called “Couples in Love” that features straight talk on dating, respect, commitment, marriage, and sexuality. All things that are important to us if there is to be a future.

 

[angeline15]

The concern about marrying a non-Catholic is being “unevenly yoked” as some would put it. Spiritually, you might end up doing all the work.

Yes, that’s my concern entirely!
It worked for Saint Monica, but I’m afraid I have neither the faith nor perseverance that she had.

However, he continues to show interest in participating in Catholic things with me (mass, charity work, events), so sometimes I wonder if his reluctance is that he does not know enough about Catholicism. He has had his whole life without religion and has only had exposure to Catholicism with me for the last 2 years. I can understand his unwillingness to dive right in when the relationship is new and he is still becoming comfortable in all our rules and rituals.

I will see if he will look into RCIA, just as an inquiry. I will also talk to some wonderful young catholic couples I do charity work with and see if the men could reach out to him. Perhaps some questions are better answered by a third party and male peer, so that I don’t establish myself as the “rule giver” for everything.

 

[whatsmyname]

I think it is a good sign that he is willing to go to church with you and he isn’t opposed to Catholicism. If I were you, I would ask him if he would be interested in attending RCIA to learn more about the faith, but I wouldn’t pressure him or bring up the subject repeatedly.

If you do decide to marry, and he is not baptized, your marriage will have what’s called “disparity of cult” in the CCC and is cause for caution. The CCC says, “According to the law in force in the Latin Church, a mixed marriage needs for liceity the express permission of ecclesiastical authority. In case of disparity of cult an express dispensation from this impediment is required for the validity of the marriage” (1635). It also says that love, humble & patient practice of family virtues and perseverance in prayer can prepare the non-believing spouse to accept the grace of conversion.

 

[SecretCatholic]

Yes, that’s my concern entirely!
It worked for Saint Monica, but I’m afraid I have neither the faith nor perseverance that she had.

However, he continues to show interest in participating in Catholic things with me (mass, charity work, events), so sometimes I wonder if his reluctance is that he does not know enough about Catholicism. He has had his whole life without religion and has only had exposure to Catholicism with me for the last 2 years. I can understand his unwillingness to dive right in when the relationship is new and he is still becoming comfortable in all our rules and rituals.

I will see if he will look into RCIA, just as an inquiry. I will also talk to some wonderful young catholic couples I do charity work with and see if the men could reach out to him. Perhaps some questions are better answered by a third party and male peer, so that I don’t establish myself as the “rule giver” for everything.

If everything else looks good- give him a chance. He’s only just been introduced to Catholicism! However, let him know that your faith is a vital matter to you and your marriage- not a mere difference of opinion. Marrying outside the faith is tricky. But your boyfriend sounds much more promising faith-wise than a lukewarm Catholic. Also, be careful not to become unintentionally manipulative or even give such an appearance. Don’t go behind his back. Having someone else spring up a topic as if it were her/his idea is man when it is indeed yours or someone else’s is manipulative. Be honest. Show him this thread, if that won’t cause an issue. A marriage must be founded upon all-out honesty and trust.

Also: Watch Father Barron’s Catholicism series together. Ask around your local parish to see if they have a copy you could watch there or they could lend you to watch a home. You could try the local library, too.

 

[Sunflake9]

I would let him know that you would love to see him attend RCIA classes with you. You could say that you want to learn your faith better. And it could help him learn more about your faith and take it from there. It never hurts to ask him if he would attend with you.

 

[masuwerte]

I’m confident in every way that he is right for me- his values, his morals, his temperament, and his background match mine perfectly and he is very supportive of my faith. He has respected my boundaries (ie: no sex before marriage, not living together before marriage, etc) and has accompanied me to church, stations of the cross, and has been reading books on Catholicism. I consider him the result of many novenas praying for someone right for me.

Maybe God sent him to you to soften the attitude of your family members, to show them that you can love someone who isn’t Catholic.