Advice needed. Challenges with LDS girlfriend and chastity

[MyNameIsDan]

While I agree with the general advice to the OP that this is likely not a feasible long-term relationship, I am surprised by some of the uncharitable assumptions made about this woman here, regarding her possible history of rape and abuse.

I’d (foolishly?) assumed that most people here were well aware that the vast majority of rapes are NOT reported to authorities, and attitudes like these, that the “women cry rape” falsely, are a major reason why that is the case. There also have been cases where rapists sued for custody and won. Perhaps the woman didn’t pursue child support because she didn’t want to face this man again or have anything to do with him.

As for spousal abuse, again, many times, victims do not report the crime to the police, or often, press charges only to retract them later.

Now, this isn’t to say that there aren’t other red flags, such as her voluntary cohabitation for ten years with another man. Even without the sex, it seems that the gap between LDS and Catholicism is likely too wide anyway. I don’t think we need to assume the worst about this woman to caution the OP against continuing the relationship.

I think that the fact that she’s divorced and hence can’t be dated is already sufficient. The other factors don’t need to be considered. That’s how I understand it, anyway.

 

[stmk]

Thank you all for your responses. I will clarify a couple things.

1. This woman was never married in the church. I don’t remember the specifics because I asked this question before we even started dating. She was married at the courthouse. Just a piece of paper so there marriage would not be recognized in the church. I did talk to my priest about this and he said it was not an issue.
2. She WAS in fact baptized Catholic. Her biological father was Catholic but apparently not practicing. He was abusive, apparently turned to drugs, and they (her mom and sisters) left him. Her Catholic mother ended up with a Mormon man who was more of a positive influence in her life. She was baptized Mormon at age 12. I tell her she is Catholic whether she knows it or not.
   I think I already mentioned what attracted me at first which was that she was so open about her past. Prayer, God, and no sex before marriage were the first things she put out there without even knowing that I was Catholic. The man she ended her 10 year relationship with was also Catholic though not practicing. I never considered chastity until I started practicing my faith in my late 20s and have not had any serious relationships since then. She is the first woman to even say she was attempting this though, as many say, actions speak louder than words. She could say the same about me though. I have not been the best example of a Catholic man. But that will stop.
   I think all her past “baggage” is obvious. There are MANY red flags with this woman, her past, and her beliefs. I guess I try not to let someone’s past define them. After all the hardship in someone’s life, do they learn from it, get stronger, or do they become a victim of it? This woman had an abusive Catholic father. She says she was raped at a young age but kept the baby. She never considered abortion and put herself through school to raise her son. Her son is the most respectful and caring 21 year old I’ve ever met. She was in a 10 year relationship that ended because of infidelity. Through all ofthis, the only thing that kept her going was God. Her faith is very strong though misguided. I actually went with her to the Mormon visitors center a couple weeks ago. Mind you that I am pretty well versed in the Mormon beliefs and history. I’ve done my research. I am fairly comfortable having deep discussions with even the most educated Mormon leaders on their beliefs, their history, and why the Catholic church IS the one true church the Jesus established. I went to the visitors center with her to see what it was and maybe start to poke a few holes in her belief system. Other than the strong emphasis on the family it seems many of her beliefs are more consistent with Catholicism/Christianity than LDS. We had two Mormon missionaries or “witnesses” that were taking us through portions of the center. At the end we had a very charitable discussion. I told them I was Catholic. We started discussing the common beliefs in God and Jesus. Then I worked in all the reasons why I was Catholic. After digesting the many resources on this site about what Mormons believe I was able to cite scripture verses and talk about their history, origin, and the problems with their beliefs. I was very charitable and again, was just planting seeds in their heads. I could tell that I made them think. Both the missionaries and my LDS girlfriend. On the way home, my girlfriend said, “I need to know what you know”. This is where we are now.
   I am going to get back to practicing chastity. I am going to put an end to us spending the night together and suggest that we need more time apart. During this time I will start to have meaningful discussions with her about her openness to revisiting her Catholic faith and the reasons why she left. Maybe the whole reason we came together is so that I can help God bring her back to the church.
   I really do try to look past all her baggage and give her a chance. I know I am not perfect either. She has been going to Mass with me for the last several weeks including Christmas with my family. When we met she would attend her LDS services and teach a lesson every Sunday. It seems that she is not attending her LDS services as regularly as she did before. Part of this concerns me because she is not staying true to her beliefs but the other part of me thinks this is just an indication of her doubts about LDS and her openness to coming back to Catholicism. I don’t know that I would be as strong or together as she is given her past. I think I’m just still learning who she is and am finding that maybe the woman I fell for is not the woman she turns out to be.

I again thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut and look forward to your responses to this latest post.

 

[1ke]

Prayer, God, and no sex before marriage were the first things she put out there without even knowing that I was Catholic.

Except she didn’t really mean those words.

Her faith is very strong though misguided.

I am sure her life has been difficult. You both need to step back and look at the facts that include her continued involvement with unsuitable men (if all of her rendition of things is accurate) and what appears a need of hers to be in a relationship and with a man without much time in dating/courtship. You’ve only been dating 13 weeks, and she has already gotten into bed with you and wants to marry you.

Hello, 13 weeks isn’t much time at ALL.

This is her pattern. You need to step back from that.

I am going to get back to practicing chastity. I am going to put an end to us spending the night together and suggest that we need more time apart.

This is a step in the right direction.

Part of this concerns me because she is not staying true to her beliefs but the other part of me thinks this is just an indication of her doubts about LDS and her openness to coming back to Catholicism.

Or her pattern of morphing to please her partner in action again. She desperately wants a man in her life, suggesting marriage after only a couple of months of dating is a huge red flag.

I again thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut and look forward to your responses to this latest post.

Whatever you do take it slow, and see what she does religion-wise if you are NOT dating or together. If you cool the jets for a few weeks, go to Mass by yourself, etc., will she resume her LDS lessons and services?

 

[stmk]

Again, thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut 1ke. I don’t know if I maybe just felt sorry for this woman initially and that’s why I allowed things to go so far. I maybe fought the urge to run from this poor woman that had so many bad things in her past. I could have just been a friend to her or just avoided her completely. I’m going through my own difficulties in life and maybe we just became support for each other. Now part of me is worried about how she will take me breaking it off with her but I guess that’s part of the deal. As I said, I didn’t slow things down either. Because I hadn’t been in a relationship in a long time I think it was too easy to get sucked in to a physical relationship even though there were so many red flags.
I just ask for your prayers. Even though this woman may not be the right one for me I don’t think she has to be looked on as “damaged goods” because of her past. I think the right man could give her what she needs in a marriage but only a Christian man that, despite her past, recognizes the woman she is and loves her for it.

I again ask you all for your prayers and continued support and advice. Maybe my biggest concern is how easy it was to fall back into an unchaste relationship after being single and celibate for so long. I am not without sin here either. I should have been a better example of a Catholic man.

 

[1ke]

I again ask you all for your prayers and continued support and advice. Maybe my biggest concern is how easy it was to fall back into an unchaste relationship after being single and celibate for so long. I am not without sin here either. I should have been a better example of a Catholic man.

Of course she is a woman who can be loved and cherished by a man, and no one is beyond redemption (including you). It’s not so much that you need to break it off as that you DEFINITELY need to slow it down, resume chaste behavior, and suggest that she work through her emotional issues with a counselor before proceeding. If things cannot be slowed down or if you find that (for example) after you have set your boundaries she then continues to try to put you two in situations where temptation takes over, then she is using sex as her security blanket to keep you and yes you should end it. Maybe you do need to break it off and focus on yourself since you so easily fell into unchaste behavior. But, look, don’t be too hard on yourself. We all want love and companionship. It’s a natural yearning of the heart.

 

[MaryT777]

Of course she is a woman who can be loved and cherished by a man, and no one is beyond redemption (including you). It’s not so much that you need to break it off as that you DEFINITELY need to slow it down, resume chaste behavior, and suggest that she work through her emotional issues with a counselor before proceeding. If things cannot be slowed down or if you find that (for example) after you have set your boundaries she then continues to try to put you two in situations where temptation takes over, then she is using sex as her security blanket to keep you and yes you should end it. Maybe you do need to break it off and focus on yourself since you so easily fell into unchaste behavior. But, look, don’t be too hard on yourself. We all want love and companionship. It’s a natural yearning of the heart.

Words of wisdom from 1ke as usual. I always appreciate reading your comments, and hope the advice from all is helpful to the OP.

Mary.