Advice Needed: Compromised Marriage or not?

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Teme, I agree some of the most devout Catholics are converts. But from my experience, that is a threshold one should cross before crossing any other kind of threshold. Asking for too much trouble to hope they convert on the job. Too much depends on a mother’s spirituality in a family to risk it.

The father’s spirituality is also critical. But in different ways.

Someone needs to be a grownup in their faith before they are capable of really understanding what marriage really is.
 
fogmills said:
To answer the question from whatevergirl:

Throughout our time together I have yearned to share my religion with S. I would have loved her to come to Mass with me (I always invited her with absolutely no pressure - she probably came four or five times and didn’t like it).

I would have also loved to spend time discussing my faith, what I had read, experiences of God in our days, maybe praying together. When I tried however it would quickly turn into a debate (not unpleasant, but always challenging my views). Gradually I got tired of these challenges and stopped talking about my faith. I wanted someone who would be as enthusiastic as I was and could help me explore my vocation and enhance my faith.

Thank you all for your advice and prayers. I have reached the answer and I know that we are not meant to be together. It is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make but there is a peace in me that tells me it is right.
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hi fog:wave: ok, thank you. i thought you meant this, but wasn’t 100% certain.

yes, it would be unfortunate if you have these warning signals already, to not address them, get married–and they are there now in your marriage. I would say it is a wonderful thing to share my faith with my husband–and that it is not ever been an issue with child raising, since we are both cradle Catholics. My husband has had his moments (issues) with the RCC…but since we are both willing to work through them–we have gotten past those ‘doubts.’ I am not one to say end a relationship over this–UNLESS THE PERSON IS UNWILLING TO COME TO MASS, LISTEN TO THE POTENTIAL OF CONVERTING, RAISING KIDS A CERTAIN WAY…etc. I think that many people convert–however, it needs to be pretty clear when you’re dating that this is of utmost importance to you. Not hvaing your ‘needs’ met in this arena…probably said in another way could mean, that if you say, marry this person, and she never shares the faith…you will be a lonely Catholic in your marriage. It will be a source of contention, rather than bonding, at least until the person would be willing to look into the faith a bit more…but, if never–your life will have this God-shaped hole, so to speak–in your marriage.

I think making your thoughts known at this stage is all you can do…give it some time–and see if things change. If not…probably best to find someone who is either Catholic, or interested in becoming Catholic. You’re in my prayers, fog.:gopray:
 
I’m sure more than one petition for a decree of nullity surrounded someone who was completely ignorant about the true Catholic understanding of marriage and what it requires.
 
teme said:
Sounds like you made your decision, but something to think about now and in the future. When you say she’s “challenging my views”, I wonder if there are one of two things going on. In my experience, when I was asked about my faith by a non-Catholic, and I didn’t know the specific answers, I felt attacked, whereas really, the other wanted to know. Is she asking you the tough questions you can answer, and she fights, or tough questions you need help answering? It could be she’s trying to argue, but keep in mind, many strong and vocal converts to the Church started as Her most vocal opponents. When people come to truly understand and know the Catholic beliefs and practices, few can truthfully deny their validity. There’s no shame in not knowing how to answer her questions, but don’t run from them if you don’t know. This could be a great opportunity for you to more fully learn to love the Lord yourself.
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Very interesting thoughts, teme!
 
I don’t see this working. Exposing children to more than 1 religion confuses them. It’s almost as bad as no religion. They are not mentally capable of understanding the differences.
Lets say that you take the kids to church every Sunday, as they get older they will ask why Mommy isn’t going too. Or even worse they will say if she doesn’t have to go then neither will I, remember children are generally more attached to the mother. She will not back you up on this, it is never good for 1 parent to undermine the other. They will also see that religion isnt that important to you if you were willing to marry outside of it. How can you teach them that God is everything if you sacrificed your faith?
 
I want my wife to be my spiritual companion and to raise children with God’s teachings, but I love this girl (and she loves me) and it will break my heart to never see her again.
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I think you answered your own question. You love this girl and she loves you. This doesn’t mean she’s right for you as a wife. I have loved a few men whom I could never have a spousal relationship with.

Marital love means a total giving of one’s self and a total surrender of self to the other. I don’t see that happening here because there are major, foundational differences. Don’t for a second think that it’s not important that you share the same religious views. As someone who grew up in a Catholic/ not really religious Jewish household, I can tell you it makes a HUGE impact on the children. We were all raised Catholic, but I am the only one of 5 that is still practicing. The others have basically renounced religion all together. It creates confusion not some circle of friends ecumenical family holding hands and getting along. It causes GRIEF.

Think hard about this.
 
Brenflor3 said:
I don’t see this working. Exposing children to more than 1 religion confuses them. It’s almost as bad as no religion. They are not mentally capable of understanding the differences.
Lets say that you take the kids to church every Sunday, as they get older they will ask why Mommy isn’t going too. Or even worse they will say if she doesn’t have to go then neither will I, remember children are generally more attached to the mother. She will not back you up on this, it is never good for 1 parent to undermine the other. They will also see that religion isnt that important to you if you were willing to marry outside of it. How can you teach them that God is everything if you sacrificed your faith?
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:yup: Yes, thank you, agreed.
 
Who said: ‘A house divided cannot stand’? Well, a marriage where you don’t agree on the BIGGIES also cannot survive, I’ve see too many examples of that! Honestly, you know in your heart she’s not ‘the one’, do the honourable thing and break it off now! Let her find someone agnostic, so you can find somone Catholic!

Anna x
 
You’ve learned a valuable lesson-- faith must be FIRST in your relationships, not last.

You know what you must do-- end the relationship. You cannot compromise your faith OR the faith of your future children.

She is right-- it would NOT be a Catholic household. You would be asking for a lifetime of strife if you were to ignore all of this and marry her.

Move on.
 
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