Advice Needed - Friend Living in Sin

[Delaine75]

Please forgive me if this gets lengthy but I’ve been struggling with something for several months now and could really use some advice. I have a dear friend of many years who separated from her husband. They are both seeing other people but not yet divorced. I know that she and her boyfriend have consummated their relationship. To my knowledge, she sees nothing wrong with what she’s doing (she’s also Catholic, btw) because she’s happy and has finally found someone who makes her “truly happy”. She has expressed her anger and disgust with people who are not supporting her in her quest for happiness with the boyfriend. I’m pretty sure she’s written some of them off because they voiced their views on how wrong it is. In my heart, I, too, know that it is wrong to do what she’s doing and to support it. Initially, when she told me, I was shocked and caught off-guard and told her that I loved her tremendously and would support whatever made her happy. Later I realized what I’d said and how wrong it was but it was too late to take it back. Now she thinks I’m in full support of their sinful relationship. My question is – how do I tell her, from the viewpoint of a friend who truly loves her as well as a fellow Catholic, that what she’s doing is wrong in the eyes of God? I sure don’t want to lose her friendship, and I’d love to bring her back to the right path, but it really has me worried. I need to figure out how to put it tactfully and kindly otherwise I know she’ll just run the opposite direction and get deeper into sin. Also… should I confess this to my priest since I initially gave my support for a sinful relationship?

 

[Kay_Cee]

Please forgive me if this gets lengthy but I’ve been struggling with something for several months now and could really use some advice. I have a dear friend of many years who separated from her husband. They are both seeing other people but not yet divorced. I know that she and her boyfriend have consummated their relationship. To my knowledge, she sees nothing wrong with what she’s doing (she’s also Catholic, btw) because she’s happy and has finally found someone who makes her “truly happy”. She has expressed her anger and disgust with people who are not supporting her in her quest for happiness with the boyfriend. I’m pretty sure she’s written some of them off because they voiced their views on how wrong it is. In my heart, I, too, know that it is wrong to do what she’s doing and to support it. Initially, when she told me, I was shocked and caught off-guard and told her that I loved her tremendously and would support whatever made her happy. Later I realized what I’d said and how wrong it was but it was too late to take it back. Now she thinks I’m in full support of their sinful relationship. My question is – how do I tell her, from the viewpoint of a friend who truly loves her as well as a fellow Catholic, that what she’s doing is wrong in the eyes of God? I sure don’t want to lose her friendship, and I’d love to bring her back to the right path, but it really has me worried. I need to figure out how to put it tactfully and kindly otherwise I know she’ll just run the opposite direction and get deeper into sin. Also… should I confess this to my priest since I initially gave my support for a sinful relationship?

Certainly you should discuss your own actions with your priest.

If I were you, I would tell her I love her too much to approve of what she’s doing. I would tell her I would like to think she’s too good of a person to commit adultery. Tell her you think she’s worth infinitely more than that.

 

[chaela_may]

Please forgive me if this gets lengthy but I’ve been struggling with something for several months now and could really use some advice. I have a dear friend of many years who separated from her husband. They are both seeing other people but not yet divorced. I know that she and her boyfriend have consummated their relationship. To my knowledge, she sees nothing wrong with what she’s doing (she’s also Catholic, btw) because she’s happy and has finally found someone who makes her “truly happy”. She has expressed her anger and disgust with people who are not supporting her in her quest for happiness with the boyfriend. I’m pretty sure she’s written some of them off because they voiced their views on how wrong it is. In my heart, I, too, know that it is wrong to do what she’s doing and to support it. Initially, when she told me, I was shocked and caught off-guard and told her that I loved her tremendously and would support whatever made her happy. Later I realized what I’d said and how wrong it was but it was too late to take it back. Now she thinks I’m in full support of their sinful relationship. My question is – how do I tell her, from the viewpoint of a friend who truly loves her as well as a fellow Catholic, that what she’s doing is wrong in the eyes of God? I sure don’t want to lose her friendship, and I’d love to bring her back to the right path, but it really has me worried. I need to figure out how to put it tactfully and kindly otherwise I know she’ll just run the opposite direction and get deeper into sin. Also… should I confess this to my priest since I initially gave my support for a sinful relationship?

i think that everything you said here is just about right: tell her that you were caught off-guard and that you love her so much that what you said seemed like support for her choice of living in sin, but that she misunderstood. when you said that you would support whatever made her happy, tell her that what you meant was for her to live in grace, since that is what will make her truly happy.

as always, confession is prudent. it doesn’t appear to be a mortal sin at all (not full consent) but it is still grave matter and we all need all the grace we can get.

 

[robwar]

Please forgive me if this gets lengthy but I’ve been struggling with something for several months now and could really use some advice. I have a dear friend of many years who separated from her husband. They are both seeing other people but not yet divorced. I know that she and her boyfriend have consummated their relationship. To my knowledge, she sees nothing wrong with what she’s doing (she’s also Catholic, btw) because she’s happy and has finally found someone who makes her “truly happy”. She has expressed her anger and disgust with people who are not supporting her in her quest for happiness with the boyfriend. I’m pretty sure she’s written some of them off because they voiced their views on how wrong it is. In my heart, I, too, know that it is wrong to do what she’s doing and to support it. Initially, when she told me, I was shocked and caught off-guard and told her that I loved her tremendously and would support whatever made her happy. Later I realized what I’d said and how wrong it was but it was too late to take it back. Now she thinks I’m in full support of their sinful relationship. My question is – how do I tell her, from the viewpoint of a friend who truly loves her as well as a fellow Catholic, that what she’s doing is wrong in the eyes of God? I sure don’t want to lose her friendship, and I’d love to bring her back to the right path, but it really has me worried. I need to figure out how to put it tactfully and kindly otherwise I know she’ll just run the opposite direction and get deeper into sin. Also… should I confess this to my priest since I initially gave my support for a sinful relationship?

since you were caught off guard in what you said, I would just confess it next time and forgive myself and brush it off. Your friend is probably not going to listen to you since she has cut off others that don’t approve. She is obviously making real bad choices and in the end she will be held responsible for her behaviors and choices. The best you could do is that maybe the next time you see her, tell her even though you initially came across as supportive, that you need to be honest to her that you don’t support this and that she is in your prayers and you will support her if and when she decides to do the right things. If this ends the friendship, then let it be and continue to pray for her and her family.

 

[Regina_Love]

I would simply say, “You know I love you. I’m glad you are feeling happier these days. I just worry about your soul.” and let her respond. It will give you insite into how she is thinking.

Listen to her. She is still in pain. Be gentle, be loving. People can tell if you are concerned with their good, or just judgemental. We gravitate toward those who love us as we are, yet gently encourage us to become more.

You will have planted a seed. Whether she waters it, or stomps on it. You will have cared for her soul above all else.

May God Bless, and guide your efforts.

 

[Bookcat]

For starts…what you said the other day caught me off guard and desiring your happiness I said what is often said “if it makes you happy” but then I realized that I desire your authentic happiness…and so I need to say…(well maybe not like that --say it more gently etc…)

Truth with charity and prudence…and gentleness.

This would be good to read:

vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/messages/lent/documents/hf_ben-xvi_mes_20111103_lent-2012_en.html (keep reading it will get to it…)

blog.adw.org/2010/06/correcting-the-sinner-is-not-being-judgmental-it-is-an-essential-work-of-charity/

blog.adw.org/2009/11/fraternal-correction-the-forgotten-virtue/