Advice needed from the GUYS ( For men only)

[I_trust]

I am a married man…

You have no idea if he is a widower or not.
He could have been consoled about many things…a death of a parent perhaps.
He wears a wedding ring…That means he is completely off limits.
The fact that you are “falling for him” is clouding your judgement.
You should stay far away from him. He is a near occasion of sin for you.
I would suggest not only moving seats but going to a different Mass or Parish.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Hello

It’s been a while since I logged in here since I have been very busy with my master’s degree. Anyway I am here to ask an advice from our catholic gentleman here because I just don’t know what to do with this situation. I recently move to this small town for my master’s degree and looked for a new parish. This happened sometime around September last year…

Anyway, I will get straight to the point. I have been going to mass to this new parish and there I always , always sit at the last row, the same spot every Sunday. The first few Sundays were normal, nothing out of the ordinary but sometime around in November, one of the Church’s ushers seems to always go out his way to shake my hand, grab my attention, be behind me during communion…This has happened evesince he noticed me and even today it is still happening…it wasn’t like that in my first month there in the Church.

I did not mind it at first and I just place him in the category of another guy I am not interested in. However, as he kept on doing these things every Sunday, I noticed that I began to develop feelings for the guy…So what I did next, I check if he had a RING in his finger and HE DID !!!..I was so heartbroken , it made me cry. I can’t believe something like that would happen in Church. However, 2 weeks after my discovery, I started hearing people always consoling him…which made me wonder if he was a widower…He is always alone when he goes to Church, helps a lot in all church activities and stays for lunch after Mass.

While he is there trying to give me special attention, I am here getting tired if one day he will ever step up and ask me out. I am not the kind of girl who would also pursue a man so I am just there seated in the same place as always and there he would be giving me special attention. I am thinking of going in a different time to forget him or change to a different seat but what if he is just a widower trying to figure things out… Any advice???

I’m sorry that you are going through this.

Don’t get your hopes up that he’s a widower. It’s possible, but you need to be ready for the possibility this man is married and not available.

At this point, I think you need to find out if he is married so that you can make the appropriate decision.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

HD may I suggest you don’t give up your day job quite yet to pursue your counselling skills on CAF.

Fair enough. They are as adept as your theological skills on marriage or contraception issues.

Point taken. I’ll go back to my job taking care of my family.
One last piece of advice for the op.
What does your father say about the issue. I assume he could qualify as a good gentleman to ask!

 

[Mayita30]

I am a married man…

You have no idea if he is a widower or not.
He could have been consoled about many things…a death of a parent perhaps.
He wears a wedding ring…That means he is completely off limits.
The fact that you are “falling for him” is clouding your judgement.
You should stay far away from him. He is a near occasion of sin for you.
I would suggest not only moving seats but going to a different Mass or Parish.

I agree!.. I will just change seats for now…in an area where he normally does not go. I already like the priest in that mass but I may have to go to a different mass if that won’t work.

 

[Mayita30]

HD may I suggest you don’t give up your day job quite yet to pursue your counselling skills on CAF.

 

[Mayita30]

I’m sorry that you are going through this.

Don’t get your hopes up that he’s a widower. It’s possible, but you need to be ready for the possibility this man is married and not available.

At this point, I think you need to find out if he is married so that you can make the appropriate decision.

Thank you. I have thought about asking a friend if she knows this guy and ask about his status but later on today, I just decided maybe it is best I would not give it much thought and just concentrate on my studies. I will just transfer seats and if indeed he is interested and available, he will approach me…

I agree not to get my hopes high that he is a widower and it would be better for me to stay away and go to a place where he won’t see me…

 

[Mayita30]

I’m sorry that you are going through this.

Don’t get your hopes up that he’s a widower. It’s possible, but you need to be ready for the possibility this man is married and not available.

At this point, I think you need to find out if he is married so that you can make the appropriate decision.

I read your comment again and it just made me realize that the basis of me transferring seats should not because the guy is unavailable rather it should be because of God. I thin transferring seats can make me concentrate more on mass and give more reverence to God without any distractions

I will not lie… I am curious if he is married or not…But I don’t think this should be important anymore. I would just start deleting him out of my mind…

 

[SuperLuigi]

Thank you. I have thought about asking a friend if she knows this guy and ask about his status but later on today, I just decided maybe it is best I would not give it much thought and just concentrate on my studies. I will just transfer seats and if indeed he is interested and available, he will approach me…

I agree not to get my hopes high that he is a widower and it would be better for me to stay away and go to a place where he won’t see me…

Well, that’s fine if you are okay with putting the ball in his court and just focusing on your life.

 

[Mayita30]

yeah. I normally prefer men to pursue and not the other way around. I think this would be best especially in this situation where I am in limbo regarding his status…

 

[JPUSC]

Just smile and introduce yourself the next time you see him behind you

Ask him his name and make some small talk and ask him to join you to have coffee and donuts at the church hall after Mass.

Ask him what parish organizations/activities he goes to, like Bible Study, and say you’re interested in joining.

 

[josh987654321]

While he is there trying to give me special attention, I am here getting tired if one day he will ever step up and ask me out.

I think your making a lot of assumptions, as for the asking out, I would get to know each other first on a friendship level before that, when you get to know one another like you would anyone else, than you can find out what the go is. No point asking someone out to find it isn’t going to work when you could have got the same information just by getting to know them on an acquaintance/friendship level first without having to go through any of that. If he has a wedding ring, id recommend forgetting about taking anything further than just friendly to him.

I am not the kind of girl who would also pursue a man so I am just there seated in the same place as always and there he would be giving me special attention. I am thinking of going in a different time to forget him or change to a different seat but what if he is just a widower trying to figure things out… Any advice???

If you play the what if game, play it to the end. So what if he is married? well, you treated him like you would anyone else, you were friendly and you know not to take things any further.

Anyway, just some of my thoughts.

I hope this has helped

God Bless You

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[chevalier]

Dear Mayita, there is precious little information based on which to speculate here. Because of the lack of details available and without knowing you and the gentleman in question it’s difficult to make even a reasonable guess whether your interpretation is correct.

There must be some interest on his part in you, or else you wouldn’t have noticed anything. However, interest is easier to notice in a general sense than to further narrow down into a specific category. If one doesn’t have too many friends of the opposite sex, it’s easy to become a bit lost as to where the border or difference between friendly and romantic interest lies based on people’s behaviour; this is even more difficult for those who aren’t ‘people persons’ but spend their time reading, writing, working with computers etc. It’s also usually more difficult to read a situation that personally involves you even if you’re skilled at reading people’s behaviour normally. And then there are those cognitive distortions that normally help streamline our processes so they are faster and more efficient but sometimes also nudge them along lines that aren’t necessarily warranted — and then, for example, we read too much into situations and people, seeing connections and attributing motives that aren’t necessarily valid.

In terms of interest, by the way, people who are interested often themselves don’t know in what way their interest will develop (at a very early stage they might even not realize they have or show interest in you at all). Some are attracted without knowing, some are attracted without knowing it shows (they think it doesn’t, largely because they want it not to). Some know it and know it shows, some even talk about it (such as those ‘if I weren’t already married’ comments), but are untroubled by it because they know it won’t affect their faithfulness to their spouse, so they see no need to repress an emotion that’s not going to be problematic. That is unlike others, who attempt to repress anything they don’t want to pursue. After all there is a long way from attraction to action, and people go about it in different ways.

So, the man may simply be doing his job. Alternatively, he can simply be going a bit out of his way to include you because you’re new, make it easier for you to integrate into your new parish. Or he may simply be trying to engage when he notices you looking at him, so then he smiles or offers a handshake or something else like that (typical reaction). It’s not impossible that he’s a little charmed (a frequent occurrence in social interactions, which usually leads to nothing at all), but like I said, from that to actually wanting to pursue someone there is usually a long road anda big difference. But of course there might as well be something romantic or creepy (or both) in it, e.g. a shy guy who gets stuck in window-shopping mode and can’t progress to striking a conversation (or won’t). Bottom line, we simply don’t know, largely because there isn’t enough information.

What information we do have is that the man is married. Anything involving him possibly being a widower still wearing his ring (and yes, that does make such a widower probably not yet available) is extremely speculative. It doesn’t even produce a reasonable doubt about his being married. So you need to regard him as unavailable. And that means stay away from him, even go to a different church for a while if you have to, if feelings and emotions are becoming difficult to control, which is no shame by the way; some people simply are more sensitive, where others have different talents and character traits.

(For the record, being attracted to or even having developed some feelings for a married person is not a shame, either. It happens all the time. Priests fall in love too, just like any other man. What’s important is how one deals with it.)

Being upset about the ring doesn’t necessarily revolve around your feelings for the man as much as the shock that comes from feeling pursued by someone who is not available. Still, probably also good to get some distance.

And, yes, you need to be able to focus on God during mass, too, in addition to avoiding temptation. That’s also something important to take care of as a priority.

If you get a chance, it may help to see a Catholic relationship counsellor to help you address some concerns and challenges. It does show that you’re sensitive, that you analyse a lot, that you’re in a bit of vulnerable state emotionally right now, and that you’re looking for companionship. Those folks are trained to help you make it a smoother, less arduous process. If they’re free or affordable, it would be a shame not to use their skills. Your load is heavy and you could use some help lifting it (such as helping you develop a more efficient technique).

 

[SecretCatholic]

Mass and Adoration are not for socializing. The focus must be on God. It’s not okay to be focusing on someone else during mass except for emergencies.

 

[St_Francis]

Just smile and introduce yourself the next time you see him behind you

Ask him his name and make some small talk and ask him to join you to have coffee and donuts at the church hall after Mass.

Ask him what parish organizations/activities he goes to, like Bible Study, and say you’re interested in joining.

The man is wearing a wedding ring.

 

[TechieGuy]

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle left a subtle clue that Sherlock Holmes was Catholic in the story “The Gloria Scott”, so perhaps this quote from “A Scandal in Bohemia” qualifies as advice from a Catholic man:

“It is a capital mistake to theorize in advance of the facts. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts.”

 

[CallMeDad]

one of the Church’s ushers seems to always go out his way to shake my hand, grab my attention, be behind me during communion…

OP, did he shake your hand during the Sign of Peace? If so, that is hardly an overture. Most of what you have described could have an innocent explanation that does not involve him coming on to you.

Call me old fashioned, but I believe in woman’s intuition in these kinds of situations, so I am not sure that the guys on here are who you should be asking. At any rate, it seems that your own intuition is telling you to be uncomfortable, so I would just go with that.

 

[AdamP88]

His wife may not be Catholic. Or they may go to separate Masses so that one of them can stay home with the kids. If he’s wearing a ring, that’s a pretty clear sign that’s he’s unavailable. If he is in fact a widower, he will eventually remove the ring when he’s ready to date. Ditto for receiving a declaration of nullity if he’s divorced.

This. Even if he is a widower, the fact that he keeps his ring on is a fairly clear a sign that he’s not interested in dating right now.

Honestly, I would tend to think he’s just being friendly to the newcomer. I think it’s possible that you are misinterpreting these things.

 

[Mayita30]

I wouldn’t be feeling like this if he just acted like the other ushers. I have several reasons why I feel this way. Regardless of this, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and just stay away from him because I am starting to see or like him in a different way.Transferring seats or going to a different mass is the best course of action.

 

[Rose71]

I’m not a man, but I’ve read the thread and I’m going to stick up for the OP and other single Catholics because a few years ago I was one myself and I think it’s far too easy to forget what it was like.

Attending Mass with your family and friends is very different from attending as a single person in a new parish. If you’ve never had to do it (regularly) then please just trust me on this! Of course, our focus should be on the Eucharist and the joy of coming to Mass, but for anyone who is already perhaps feeling a little lonely and downhearted about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, it can also be a profoundly isolating experience if you let your focus lapse.

I can confirm as a married woman, my concentration can still lapse now and then during Mass, but maybe that’s just me!!!

As a single 30-something, or even 20-something, especially living away from family and friends (or at least, Catholic friends) it can feel just plain lonely being a Catholic and being single. I want to congratulate the OP for having the guts to go to Mass alone every Sunday and stick to her values because we don’t do that enough for our single, young Catholics.

Of course it’s easy to fall into a sort of speculative daydream about someone who is male, a suitable age and actually attends Mass and even takes an active role in the parish. For many Catholic singles, that’s like the Holy Grail Yes, it’s wrong to get carried away with the daydream and to speculate and wonder and let those amorous feelings grow, but that definitely does not deserve to be labelled ‘odd’ or ‘weird’ or symptomatic of some sort of communication disorder. The man in question, likewise, does not deserve to be labelled a ‘creep’ for doing his job.

What about the other parishoners? Have any of them stopped for a chat or done anything to make the OP feel welcome? If not, they ought to!

Looking at all this another way: I attend Mass without my husband because of his work commitments and my commitment to other relatives who are in need (and that particular Mass is the only time I get to see them) I wear my ring with pride and I’m 100% committed to my marriage.

If I noticed a single man or woman close to my age group (and I’m in my 40s but still a youngster compared to most parishoners) who was new to the church, I’d go and say hello and at least give them an encouraging smile because in a few years’ time, most of the congregation will be dead and I want to keep the parish going and have some support! Maybe the man in the OP’s post is just trying to be friendly and figuring out how to introduce himself and help her find her way in the parish without coming over as too enthusiastic and being misinterpreted?

 

[Lorelei12]

It’s been a while since I logged in here since I have been very busy with my master’s degree. Anyway I am here to ask an advice from our catholic gentleman here because I just don’t know what to do with this situation. I recently move to this small town for my master’s degree and looked for a new parish. This happened sometime around September last year…

Anyway, I will get straight to the point. I have been going to mass to this new parish and there I always , always sit at the last row, the same spot every Sunday. The first few Sundays were normal, nothing out of the ordinary but sometime around in November, one of the Church’s ushers seems to always go out his way to shake my hand, grab my attention, be behind me during communion…This has happened evesince he noticed me and even today it is still happening…it wasn’t like that in my first month there in the Church.

I’m not a man (why would only men be wise enough to give advice on this situation?) but these things do not really seem particularly personal. If you are in the last row, it would make sense that an usher would shake your hand or be behind you while walking to communion.

I did not mind it at first and I just place him in the category of another guy I am not interested in. However, as he kept on doing these things every Sunday, I noticed that I began to develop feelings for the guy…So what I did next, I check if he had a RING in his finger and HE DID !!!..I was so heartbroken , it made me cry. I can’t believe something like that would happen in Church. However, 2 weeks after my discovery, I started hearing people always consoling him…which made me wonder if he was a widower…He is always alone when he goes to Church, helps a lot in all church activities and stays for lunch after Mass.

I would not speculate about whether he is a widower or not. If he has a wedding ring, he’s not available. I’m not sure what you mean by “I can’t believe that something like that would happen in church”- maybe I am missing something, but I don’t really understand what you think this man did that was wrong and made you heartbroken. It’s not wrong to shake someone’s hand during the sign of peace or walk behind them in the communion line. It is wrong, however, to daydream about whether someone else’s husband is a widower.

While he is there trying to give me special attention, I am here getting tired if one day he will ever step up and ask me out. I am not the kind of girl who would also pursue a man so I am just there seated in the same place as always and there he would be giving me special attention. I am thinking of going in a different time to forget him or change to a different seat but what if he is just a widower trying to figure things out… Any advice???

Nothing you have described sounds like special attention to me. So, if you are having trouble keeping your thoughts about him out of your head, maybe going to a different Mass would be a good idea. If he was a widower interested in dating, he wouldn’t have the ring on. And if he’s married, be mindful about respecting him and his marriage.