Advice needed........maybe

[fastenatingguy]

My 28 year old daughter lives in NYC. She has been dating a nice young man (30) for about 18 months. They have good jobs, and are good people, well educated, athletic, hard working, etc. She lives in Spanish Harlem; he lives in Brooklyn.

My daughter returns home for most family events and holidays. Her boyfriend has come only when there was a friend’s wedding, a long weekend, and most recently, to run the marathon. For past holidays he has returned to his family’s home in Washington.

When they were in for the marathon, I mentioned to her that marriage was something for discernment, especially at their ages. I also hinted (not so subtly) that God has to be the glue of the marriage, and that this is best evidenced with a relationship with Him through His Church. My daughter responded that they were only dating, although dating exclusively.

Both are Catholic and attended Catholic High Schools and Universities. Sadly, they are marginal at best about Sunday Mass attendance and practice of the faith. based on my reading of surveys and limited anecdotal experience, I would consider them somewhat “typical” in that sense, which is disappointing. I pray that they return to their faith and revitalize their relationship with the Lord.

My daughter arrived home last night. Today she surprised me by saying that BF will arrive on Christmas Eve morning. They will be returning to NYC together on the 27th. I may be reading into this too much, but the only reason for them to be together for Christmas (IMHO) is a pending engagement. I’m pretty old fashioned. And I am often wrong about such predictions.

Assuming that is the case, I am looking for advice and words of wisdom, especially if BF takes the traditional route and asks to sit down and talk…Surely there are some Dads (and Moms) that have been down this road.

 

[PaulinVA]

At 28 and on her own, I would be surprised if even the most traditional man asked you for permission to marry your daughter.

I thought you would be asking about separate rooms or something like that.

I don’t own my daughters and no one needs my permission to marry them.

 

[Xantippe]

My 28 year old daughter lives in NYC. She has been dating a nice young man (30) for about 18 months. They have good jobs, and are good people, well educated, athletic, hard working, etc. She lives in Spanish Harlem; he lives in Brooklyn.

My daughter returns home for most family events and holidays. Her boyfriend has come only when there was a friend’s wedding, a long weekend, and most recently, to run the marathon. For past holidays he has returned to his family’s home in Washington.

When they were in for the marathon, I mentioned to her that marriage was something for discernment, especially at their ages. I also hinted (not so subtly) that God has to be the glue of the marriage, and that this is best evidenced with a relationship with Him through His Church. My daughter responded that they were only dating, although dating exclusively.

Both are Catholic and attended Catholic High Schools and Universities. Sadly, they are marginal at best about Sunday Mass attendance and practice of the faith. based on my reading of surveys and limited anecdotal experience, I would consider them somewhat “typical” in that sense, which is disappointing. I pray that they return to their faith and revitalize their relationship with the Lord.

My daughter arrived home last night. Today she surprised me by saying that BF will arrive on Christmas Eve morning. They will be returning to NYC together on the 27th. I may be reading into this too much, but the only reason for them to be together for Christmas (IMHO) is a pending engagement. I’m pretty old fashioned. And I am often wrong about such predictions.

Assuming that is the case, I am looking for advice and words of wisdom, especially if BF takes the traditional route and asks to sit down and talk…Surely there are some Dads (and Moms) that have been down this road.

I haven’t been down that road, but a few thoughts.

1. I don’t think you should have leaned on them about getting married the way you did. If a guy is not serious about your daughter and is trifling with her affections, why would you want to twist his arm to marry her?
2. I think it is out-of-line to think that spending Christmas together (with family!) has to indicate an impending engagement.
3. That said, it sounds like it’s not unreasonable to think that an engagement might be imminent, and in a worldly sense, it’s not at all a bad match.
4. If they do get married, a Catholic wedding is not at all unlikely (given their backgrounds), and therefore they will almost certainly have marriage prep, which could be a very good thing for them. I would suggest you stay out of it as much as possible, but if anybody asks, my feeling is that it’s better to do a number of shorter meetings rather than one huge overwhelming mega-weekend. If they aren’t getting married in the Church (which is a possibility given what you’ve said of their practice), I would strongly suggest paying for premarital counseling as your engagement gift to them.
5. I hope other people have better ideas on what to say to him.

 

[SED]

If he does approach you, I agree with the previous poster that suggests several short discussions rather than one all encompassing. Get to know him, maybe visit with them too, and try to form a relationship with him before forming your opinion.

A gift of the 5 love lanuages book, and ask them each to read it and discuss before you grant your blessings. Explain that this is not a test, but a gift to help them have a happy and respectful life.

 

[Marie5890]

If they are their to announce their engagement than congrats!!!
But dont be disappointed if they dont. It could be simply that they want to spend the holidays together, which means with you.

I just caution against expecting too much. Esp if they are nominal Catholics to begin with.

 

[ClearWater]

My 28 year old daughter lives in NYC. She has been dating a nice young man (30) for about 18 months. They have good jobs, and are good people, well educated, athletic, hard working, etc. She lives in Spanish Harlem; he lives in Brooklyn.

My daughter returns home for most family events and holidays. Her boyfriend has come only when there was a friend’s wedding, a long weekend, and most recently, to run the marathon. For past holidays he has returned to his family’s home in Washington.

When they were in for the marathon, I mentioned to her that marriage was something for discernment, especially at their ages. I also hinted (not so subtly) that God has to be the glue of the marriage, and that this is best evidenced with a relationship with Him through His Church. My daughter responded that they were only dating, although dating exclusively.

Both are Catholic and attended Catholic High Schools and Universities. Sadly, they are marginal at best about Sunday Mass attendance and practice of the faith. based on my reading of surveys and limited anecdotal experience, I would consider them somewhat “typical” in that sense, which is disappointing. I pray that they return to their faith and revitalize their relationship with the Lord.

My daughter arrived home last night. Today she surprised me by saying that BF will arrive on Christmas Eve morning. They will be returning to NYC together on the 27th.** I may be reading into this too much, but the only reason for them to be together for Christmas (IMHO) is a pending engagement.** I’m pretty old fashioned. And I am often wrong about such predictions.

Assuming that is the case, I am looking for advice and words of wisdom, especially if BF takes the traditional route and asks to sit down and talk…Surely there are some Dads (and Moms) that have been down this road.

Couples that are dating often want to be together for the holidays, engagement or no, in my opinion.

I have had different times I was dating that I spent the holidays with my date´s parents due to the situation, had nothing to do with engagement.

 

[pianistclare]

If they are engaged, then great.
But don’t harp on it!!!
Also, when they begin having babies…they’ll return to the church. They’ll want their children to be Baptized, and in the Baptism prep the Deacon or Priest will make it clear that’s it not a card to be punched, but a Sacramental life to be lived.
Chill out and enjoy your time with them, regardless.

 

[Bonnie]

Do NOT talk to her about it at all - unless she brings up the subject. I didn’t even meet my husband until I was 30 & my singleness became a sore point. I hated it when anyone - especially my mother - would say anything about it.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Also, when they begin having babies…they’ll return to the church.

What makes you say that? I think that is a BIG assumption

 

[fastenatingguy]

At 28 and on her own, I would be surprised if even the most traditional man asked you for permission to marry your daughter.

I thought you would be asking about separate rooms or something like that.

I don’t own my daughters and no one needs my permission to marry them.

I have different expectations than you. I guess that’s why there’s chocolate, vanilla and strawberry ice cream.

 

[fastenatingguy]

I haven’t been down that road, but a few thoughts.

1. I don’t think you should have leaned on them about getting married the way you did. If a guy is not serious about your daughter and is trifling with her affections, why would you want to twist his arm to marry her?
2. I think it is out-of-line to think that spending Christmas together (with family!) has to indicate an impending engagement.
3. That said, it sounds like it’s not unreasonable to think that an engagement might be imminent, and in a worldly sense, it’s not at all a bad match.
4. If they do get married, a Catholic wedding is not at all unlikely (given their backgrounds), and therefore they will almost certainly have marriage prep, which could be a very good thing for them. I would suggest you stay out of it as much as possible, but if anybody asks, my feeling is that it’s better to do a number of shorter meetings rather than one huge overwhelming mega-weekend. If they aren’t getting married in the Church (which is a possibility given what you’ve said of their practice), I would strongly suggest paying for premarital counseling as your engagement gift to them.
5. I hope other people have better ideas on what to say to him.

1. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. This was something I mentioned only to my daughter.

2&3 You may be right.Only a few more days to find out.

4&5 Thanks

 

[Anglewannabe]

When they were in for the marathon, I mentioned to her that marriage was something for discernment, especially at their ages.

I have not idea what you meant by that. Were you pushing them to get married? Or were you telling your daughter she wasn’t getting any younger and to go dump him and find a husband? Not to mention, staying single if it is God’s will is her best option

I also hinted (not so subtly) that God has to be the glue of the marriage, and that this is best evidenced with a relationship with Him through His Church.

Your daughter is 28, it is too late to instruct her in the faith. A child is to be brought up in the faith and certain talks are to be given to teenagers. At 28 your daughter is an adult. God respects her free will and so must you. All you can do now is keeping living your faith and be a good silent example

I pray that they return to their faith and revitalize their relationship with the Lord.

That’s a good thing and probably the only thing you can do

My daughter arrived home last night. Today she surprised me by saying that BF will arrive on Christmas Eve morning.

That is evidence she hides a lot from you. I NEVER would have told my parents a boyfriend would be arriving in 2 days. Arrangements would have been made weeks in advance

I may be reading into this too much, but the only reason for them to be together for Christmas (IMHO) is a pending engagement. I’m pretty old fashioned. And I am often wrong about such predictions.

I guess we will see what happens.

Assuming that is the case, I am looking for advice and words of wisdom, especially if BF takes the traditional route and asks to sit down and talk…Surely there are some Dads (and Moms) that have been down this road.

If (and I really mean if) BF takes the traditional route and asks if he can marry your daughter, get up, leave the room, and tell you daughter to come in. In front of both of them say ‘To make a marriage work, you need to stand together as a unit. This would be a good time to start practicing that. Decide if you two want to get married and then tell me what the decision is. You need to start making your decisions as a couple and not have daddy do it for you’

Angie

 

[fastenatingguy]

I haven’t been down that road, but a few thoughts.

1. I don’t think you should have leaned on them about getting married the way you did. If a guy is not serious about your daughter and is trifling with her affections, why would you want to twist his arm to marry her?
2. I think it is out-of-line to think that spending Christmas together (with family!) has to indicate an impending engagement.
3. That said, it sounds like it’s not unreasonable to think that an engagement might be imminent, and in a worldly sense, it’s not at all a bad match.
4. If they do get married, a Catholic wedding is not at all unlikely (given their backgrounds), and therefore they will almost certainly have marriage prep, which could be a very good thing for them. I would suggest you stay out of it as much as possible, but if anybody asks, my feeling is that it’s better to do a number of shorter meetings rather than one huge overwhelming mega-weekend. If they aren’t getting married in the Church (which is a possibility given what you’ve said of their practice), I would strongly suggest paying for premarital counseling as your engagement gift to them.
5. I hope other people have better ideas on what to say to him.

If he does approach you, I agree with the previous poster that suggests several short discussions rather than one all encompassing. Get to know him, maybe visit with them too, and try to form a relationship with him before forming your opinion.

A gift of the 5 love lanuages book, and ask them each to read it and discuss before you grant your blessings. Explain that this is not a test, but a gift to help them have a happy and respectful life.

Thanks I will check out that book and website.

 

[fastenatingguy]

If they are their to announce their engagement than congrats!!!
But dont be disappointed if they dont. It could be simply that they want to spend the holidays together, which means with you.

I just caution against expecting too much. Esp if they are nominal Catholics to begin with.

Thank you Marie. I will find out soon enough. But was you said, it’s great to have her home.

 

[pianistclare]

What makes you say that? I think that is a BIG assumption

I work at a parish. See it happen ALL the time.

 

[fastenatingguy]

I work at a parish. See it happen ALL the time.

It does happen often, but just not enough. Or we would be bursting at the seams.

 

[PolarGuy]

OP, I’m a bit confused: you describe your daughter’s boyfriend as a nice young man with a good job, who seems to make your daughter happy - yet if he comes asking for your blessing in marriage, it seems you wouldn’t give it (or are at least unsure).

I think it’s still quite traditional for a man of any age, wanting to marry a woman, to essentially ask her father (if it’s a first marriage).

Absent the guy being a loser - which certainly seems not to be the case - being the dad and saying “no,” can be scarring and/or drive a pile driver into a future marriage which can cause all sorts of heartache later. So, if all we know about BF is that he’s a nice guy with a good job but perhaps a bit lukewarm, is that enough in your opinion to say “no” if he asks your permission? Seems awfully harsh to me. I realize there are people who will say that unless he says 15 rosaries a day he’s not good enough - but i also wonder how much sound judgment and wisdom those people possess. Also, do you think your saying “no” would genuinely change your daughter’s mind? Candidly, I think it’d make you look heartless but probably no more, particularly if she’s 28 (not 18) and living and working on her own aka old enough to make up her own mind about things.

Just my $0.02.

 

[pianistclare]

It does happen often, but just not enough. Or we would be bursting at the seams.

We’re not bursting at the seams because young Catholics are not having huge families.
It’s not a reflection on Baptism. But, we digress…

 

[pianistclare]

OP, I’m a bit confused: you describe your daughter’s boyfriend as a nice young man with a good job, who seems to make your daughter happy - yet if he comes asking for your blessing in marriage, it seems you wouldn’t give it (or are at least unsure).

I think it’s still quite traditional for a man of any age, wanting to marry a woman, to essentially ask her father (if it’s a first marriage).

Absent the guy being a loser - which certainly seems not to be the case - being the dad and saying “no,” can be scarring and/or drive a pile driver into a future marriage which can cause all sorts of heartache later. So, if all we know about BF is that he’s a nice guy with a good job but perhaps a bit lukewarm, is that enough in your opinion to say “no” if he asks your permission? Seems awfully harsh to me. I realize there are people who will say that unless he says 15 rosaries a day he’s not good enough - but i also wonder how much sound judgment and wisdom those people possess. Also, do you think your saying “no” would genuinely change your daughter’s mind? Candidly, I think it’d make you look heartless but probably no more, particularly if she’s 28 (not 18) and living and working on her own aka old enough to make up her own mind about things.

Just my $0.02.

I’ll add in and make it 4 cents.

 

[Anglewannabe]

OP, I’m a bit confused: you describe your daughter’s boyfriend as a nice young man with a good job, who seems to make your daughter happy - yet if he comes asking for your blessing in marriage, it seems you wouldn’t give it (or are at least unsure).
.

I don’t think the OP is asking if he should say ‘yes or no’. I think the OP wants them to get married but he feels he needs to give ‘wise counsel on how they need to behave to make the marriage work’. And I don’t think giving counsel to a 28 and 30 year old is necessary