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fastenatingguy
Guest
Sorry if I created that impression, but I didn’t say anything about not blessing their marriage. I’m more concerned about the faith component if marriage is their decision.
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fastenatingguy
Guest
IF they are moving towards a marriage vocation, I’d like to know from them how sincere they are about faith, both individually and as a couple.
Their faith may be dormant, but could come back later as was suggested by other posters. It could also be gone and forgotten. Or it might be that due to their busy lives, it’s taken a back seat to other priorities, but they just don’t realize its importance.
I’m not so sure how much “wise counsel” I have to offer them, aside from the importance of their faith. I would like to hear from them what their plans and hopes are. But if they do have any concerns or ask my advice, I’ll do my best.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
I know and that is my point. They are adults and if God gave them free will you must respect it. Come judgement day, they will answer to God not you. Which is why I can’t help but think they will eventually resent your meddling
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fastenatingguy
Guest
Thanks for your concern, but am I disrespecting their free will? I do not think of this as pressuring them. Is wanting to know their plans meddling or showing interest? If I take a passive or disinterested approach, is that better?
From the Catechism:
Rights of Grown Children (2230)
As adults, children have a right to choose their profession in life. In this choice, they should trust their parents and seek their advice. Parents must not pressure their children into a choice of a profession or of a spouse. They should, however, give judicious advice in these questions.
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SED
Guest
I’m surprised by the number of folks advising you to take the hands off/not your business approach. Parenting doesn’t end when a child turns 18. No, shouldn’t cotrol thier life, but that sound like what you are doing or asking here. I think you are on the right track, and being a responsible and respectful dad for continuing to advise your daughter.Thanks for your concern, but am I disrespecting their free will? I do not think of this as pressuring them. Is wanting to know their plans meddling or showing interest? If I take a passive or disinterested approach, is that better?
From the Catechism:
Rights of Grown Children (2230)
As adults, children have a right to choose their profession in life. In this choice, they should trust their parents and seek their advice. Parents must not pressure their children into a choice of a profession or of a spouse. They should, however, give judicious advice in these questions.
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centerbe
Guest
They are adults and need to come to this decision on their own. My eldest daughter was 25 when she became engaged. Her husband to be asked for my permission first. I told him that it was not necessary as they were both adults but he did it out of respect. He is a great husband to my daughter. He is not Catholic and they did not get married in a church; his pastor married them in a wedding chapel. She joined his protestant church to make life simple for him. To her, God is God and a church is just a building. I don’t get it myself.
Our son (23 at the time) announced that he was moving in with his girlfriend as he was finishing university as he had found a job near where she lived. They are getting married next year but not in a church. She was raised Orthodox but is not close to that church any longer.
There is only so much you can do as a parent. I hope that they will all come back to the Church.
Our son (23 at the time) announced that he was moving in with his girlfriend as he was finishing university as he had found a job near where she lived. They are getting married next year but not in a church. She was raised Orthodox but is not close to that church any longer.
There is only so much you can do as a parent. I hope that they will all come back to the Church.
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PaulinVA
Guest
Meddling.Thanks for your concern, but am I disrespecting their free will? I do not think of this as pressuring them. Is wanting to know their plans meddling or showing interest? If I take a passive or disinterested approach, is that better?
From the Catechism:
Rights of Grown Children (2230)
As adults, children have a right to choose their profession in life. In this choice, they should trust their parents and seek their advice. Parents must not pressure their children into a choice of a profession or of a spouse. They should, however, give judicious advice in these questions.
But, I think that we’ve established that we have different views. As an example, a grown, living away from home child does not invite a boyfriend or girlfriend to stay anytime, but especially during the holidays, without asking first. It is rude of the child to presume that you have no other plans than to entertain her.
As for wise counsel - marry someone who thinks that marriage is forever.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
Yes, but that is when parents are asked for their advice. If you are not meddling, then why would you need to know their plans? I am suppose to believe that when you ask ‘What are your plans considering religion’ if they answer ‘we will not be Catholic’, will you simply say ‘I simply wanted to know your plans and now I do’ and then leave it at that?Thanks for your concern, but am I disrespecting their free will? I do not think of this as pressuring them. Is wanting to know their plans meddling or showing interest? If I take a passive or disinterested approach, is that better?
From the Catechism:
Rights of Grown Children (2230)
As adults, children have a right to choose their profession in life. In this choice, they should trust their parents and seek their advice. Parents must not pressure their children into a choice of a profession or of a spouse. They should, however, give judicious advice in these questions.
Just curious, but how often did your father in law ask a personal question you were more than happy to answer and if he disapproved did things your FIL’s way?
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fastenatingguy
Guest
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fastenatingguy
Guest
OK, I’m meddling. Between you and Paul, that’s the consensus. Guilty as charged.
Again, if this situation arises, I’d like to listen to what he/they have to say, and have a conversation. That implies question, answers, and discussion. So we’ll see…
Unfortunately, my FIL did not have a relationship with his children, especially with his eldest daughter (my wife). She did not want him at our wedding. I tried to foster some peace within their family, and among three of the siblings and their father, it was mildly successful. I was blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law, God rest her soul.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
That’s OK, you have a get out of jail free cardOK, I’m meddling. Between you and Paul, that’s the consensus. Guilty as charged.
Yes, I believe if they sense it is a discussion, they will be more open to asking your advice. Also, if it is a discussion, they will be more open to visiting more often where they will see you lead a Catholic lifestyle
I am terribly sorry about that.
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Lorelei12
Guest
I don’t think it necessarily means anything that he is coming for Christmas, but it could.
Perhaps because it seems a little more last minute, they have something to tell you, rather than something to “ask” you. If they are planning on being engaged, I wouldn’t assume that a 30 year old man is going to ask your “permission” to marry your adult daughter.
If they are already engaged and want to tell you together, I think “congratulations” is the best response. I don’t really think it’s your job to gauge how “sincere” they are in their faith- that ship has sailed. If you did your best to raise your daughter in the faith, how she chooses to live out that faith as an adult is her business. However, you can ask when they are planning on being married, ask whether they have chosen a church, casual questions like that. And if they do marry in the Church, let the priest deal with any concerns he has.
I would have been annoyed and irritated if one of my parents had questioned the “sincerity of my faith” when I told them I was engaged. I would have been especially upset if they had questioned my then-fiancé about his. None of their business. We were married in the Church and they respected us as adults and did not feel the need to have any “discussions” with either of us, as we were in our late twenties. If either one of them wanted to talk to me about faith as a married couple, the time to do it would have been years earlier.
Perhaps because it seems a little more last minute, they have something to tell you, rather than something to “ask” you. If they are planning on being engaged, I wouldn’t assume that a 30 year old man is going to ask your “permission” to marry your adult daughter.
If they are already engaged and want to tell you together, I think “congratulations” is the best response. I don’t really think it’s your job to gauge how “sincere” they are in their faith- that ship has sailed. If you did your best to raise your daughter in the faith, how she chooses to live out that faith as an adult is her business. However, you can ask when they are planning on being married, ask whether they have chosen a church, casual questions like that. And if they do marry in the Church, let the priest deal with any concerns he has.
I would have been annoyed and irritated if one of my parents had questioned the “sincerity of my faith” when I told them I was engaged. I would have been especially upset if they had questioned my then-fiancé about his. None of their business. We were married in the Church and they respected us as adults and did not feel the need to have any “discussions” with either of us, as we were in our late twenties. If either one of them wanted to talk to me about faith as a married couple, the time to do it would have been years earlier.
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Luvz2travel
Guest
I’m 44 and wouldn’t consider an offer unless the guy asked my dad first it’s a matter of tradition and respect. My sisters boyfriend asked our dad and they’ve lived together for 5 years. Maybe it’s just a family thing but the kind of guy that has deep respect for his partner would ask the father first that’s just my opinion.
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fastenatingguy
Guest
If they are already engaged and want to tell you together, I think “congratulations” is the best response.
I agree.
If you did your best to raise your daughter in the faith, how she chooses to live out that faith as an adult is her business.
****What if I failed to do my best? Should I ignore that? If I had better advice to offer now, should I withhold it from the daughter that I love? I think that is what people are saying, and yet it doesn’t seem right to me. From my perspective she can decide to consider my (name removed by moderator)ut, or not.
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Lorelei12
Guest
I think that there is a fine line between being intrusive as a parent to an adult child and being helpful, and it’s probably hard to navigate that. It depends on your relationship. I’m a private person, and expect my parents to treat me as an adult.
If you feel that your daughter lacks some understanding of a Catholic marriage that she should have understood long ago, I think it’s okay to say something, but tread lightly. For instance, if she tells you they are not going to be married in the Church, certainly talk to her about that. If she’s going to be married in the Church, though, you need to let the priest and parish do the job of making sure they understand what they are undertaking.
I also think it’s one thing to offer general advice about marriage, but it sounds like you want to go further and discuss with both your daughter and her boyfriend the “sincerity of their faith”. A person’s faith as an adult is personal, and their journey with God is their own. How sincere they are in the practice of their faith is not something for you to assess or question, especially not that of the boyfriend. Maybe I am misunderstanding what you mean by that, but if my parents had started interrogating my husband about his faith it would have caused an issue, with both of us.
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pianistclare
Guest
I guess I’m in the minority here. I believe that the time to have the talks about seeking compatible faith beliefs is long past. My daughters are only 21 and 23, but they fully realize that while I want them to find the perfect guy, I would be very pleased if he were Catholic or if they were of some other faith, that he would either be open to conversion in the future if the Holy Spirit touches his heart, or, at the very least not interfere with rearing any children in the faith. I’m not a bit concerned about causing issue with them if they bring home someone that I don’t approve of. I’m their mother. I get to have these opinions, I don’t care how old they are. It’s my job as a mother to look out for them. Sure, they’re not skinning their knees anymore on the playground, but in many ways their wounds can be much more serious. I value my daughters’ opinions, but they also respect me and value mine. I wouldn’t stand in their way, but I would make it clear that there is a way to do things.
And while we cannot predict who we will fall in love with, they have often been around guys that they liked a lot, but were probably not marriage material. That’s the thing about today’s younger culture: people put a lot of stock in being compatible on most every level, except spiritually compatible is WAY down the list. Maybe because spirituality is not a priority? But by the time their children come along, it becomes an issue.
In the OP’s case: it seems he indeed has raised his daughter well, and hopefully her catechesis is still strong in her heart. I hope her young man is equally invested in his spiritual life.
And while we cannot predict who we will fall in love with, they have often been around guys that they liked a lot, but were probably not marriage material. That’s the thing about today’s younger culture: people put a lot of stock in being compatible on most every level, except spiritually compatible is WAY down the list. Maybe because spirituality is not a priority? But by the time their children come along, it becomes an issue.
In the OP’s case: it seems he indeed has raised his daughter well, and hopefully her catechesis is still strong in her heart. I hope her young man is equally invested in his spiritual life.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
I think it is a family thing/personal opinion thing. I always though it would be an insult to me if a man wanted my dad’s approval. After isn’t MY approval the one that matters?
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SED
Guest
There’s at least one other that agrees with you. parenting doesn’t stop at 18. Curtious and respectful advice is a part of parenting at any age. I also also daughters in mid 20’s and I am so thankful we hVe a relationship where they do ask for my thoughts and advice.
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pianistclare
Guest
Well, at any rate. I hope your family has a lovely and holy Christmas together!
Peace!
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