Advice needed on courtship/ new friendship with Catholic

[LoveJesus13]

Hi CAF brothers and sisters, Happy Feast of Pentecost!

I need some strong advice about this new friendship I have with a practicing-Catholic male friend. I met “guy” at church, he’s friendly, active in many organizations and seems to be a good, decent guy. He is a little older than me and much more knowledgeable about the faith which I think is great. Other than that, I don’t know much about him and will be getting to know him next week. He asked for my number and we’ll be meeting at church.

I’d like to start this friendship out on the right foot so I’d like to know what you guys suggest about our first meeting/hangout since I don’t think this is a date. Guy is very different from the secular guys I’ve known so I’m not sure how to proceed with this in a chaste and friendly way.
What kind of things can I discuss with him that is appropriate for our situation and also to make things fun and relatable to one another?
What topics should I avoid, so I don’t scare him away? Like if he asks me about past dating experiences, etch how do I nicely say, we shouldn’t talk about that?
I think we are both interested in each other, I really just want to have** a strong, Christ-centered friendship first** before it goes anywhere else so I’d like to hear what advice you may have.
Especially those who have successfully had chaste friendships/courtships with their bf/gf, how did you start your courtship? Does the man take the lead and woman should never initiate? What about joking around and teasing that may lead to a flirtatious way, should it be avoided? What about asking that burning question about other partners? 1 thing I know is that he has several female friends in the church community, I wonder why he hasn’t dated them or even married one by now, if he asks me about past relationships can I ask him about that?

Sorry this is long, I just want to do this the right way/God’s way and just not sure how. Also, since it’s not quite dating, when it comes to dining do I offer to pay for myself/go Dutch or do we take turns paying for ea. other? And finally, what’s the best way to NOT rush the courtship/friendship, should we hang out with more people often vs being alone, should we avoid spending 1 on1 time and get to know ea other in a group setting?

Thank you and your prayers for my new friend and I are greatly appreciated.

 

[Cackles]

Just be yourself. Dont offer to pay at all. Let him pay. Act like princess Diana and dont talk about ex’s or things to uncover emotion. Stay away from nakedness of emotion.

You arent allowed to touch him physically. This includes rubbing shoulders while walking. You’re not allowed to get close enough to him that he can feel your breath. Try to do this up to the wedding and you wont regret it… Although very few do this these days.

Oh yeah your also not allowed to wear perfume either. Only when you two become exclusive can wear perfume.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Uh…the no perfume thing is an Islamic custom, not a Christian one.

I have a lot of respect for Islam. However, I do not think that Islamic teachings on things like women’s adornment and male sexuality should be passed off on a catholic, or any site, for that matter, as matters of fact.

 

[kb360]

Islamic, Christian, whatever, it’s all a bit too uptight. Just be yourself, have a good time. Don’t talk about ex’s and the like but relax. Pretend like he’s just a very casual friend. Don’t worry too much about sticking to rules or what not. I’m sure you’re a smart, holy woman; you know what and what not to do. Both of you are young and seem like-minded, so have fun and enjoy each other’s company.

 

[Kamaduck]

If you want to start off as friends rather than get to know each other by dating or doing anything else “romantic”, then you’ll have to start out the same way you would with another friend. I suggest figuring out what common interests you share with him, and talking about those. Maybe you both like music, or history, or science. Maybe you both like the same TV show or book series. Topics like that aren’t overly personal, but they do give you a chance to learn more about what is important to this person.

Apart from being chaste and remaining considerate of the other person, there is very little one-size-fits-all relationship advice. Letting the guy take the lead might work. Being more assertive might also work. Spending time alone could be beneficial, or it might be better to hang out with friends a lot at the beginning. A lot of it depends on how you want to do things, and what sort of person this guy is.

I know “be yourself” is kind of cliche, but it’s important- you want to find someone who you can be yourself with, rather than having to stick to a long list of rules. Don’t try to be something you’re not. Just take your time and take a genuine interest in figuring out what interests him. That’s the quickest way to find common ground, and finding common ground is the easiest way to become friends with someone.

Just be yourself. Dont offer to pay at all. Let him pay. Act like princess Diana and dont talk about ex’s or things to uncover emotion. Stay away from nakedness of emotion.

You arent allowed to touch him physically. This includes rubbing shoulders while walking. You’re not allowed to get close enough to him that he can feel your breath. Try to do this up to the wedding and you wont regret it… Although very few do this these days.

Oh yeah your also not allowed to wear perfume either. Only when you two become exclusive can wear perfume.

As BEL pointed out, this isn’t Church teaching. Just want to make that clear to the OP- these aren’t requirements, just Cackles’s opinion. There’s no need to avoid “rubbing shoulders” or feeling someone’s breath. Just don’t intentionally place yourselves in a near occasion of sin, and you’ll be fine.

 

[Avocadomom]

Just be yourself. Dont offer to pay at all. Let him pay. Act like princess Diana and dont talk about ex’s or things to uncover emotion. Stay away from nakedness of emotion.

You arent allowed to touch him physically. This includes rubbing shoulders while walking. You’re not allowed to get close enough to him that he can feel your breath. Try to do this up to the wedding and you wont regret it… Although very few do this these days.

Oh yeah **your also not allowed to wear perfume **either. Only when you two become exclusive can wear perfume.

What in the world??

 

[Avocadomom]

-Be yourself.
-Just see where the conversations lead.
-Don’t have sex or do anything that is an obvious lead-in to sex.
-Excuse yourself immediately if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

What in the world??

Islam. Those are Islamic customs, though the specifics vary between groups and traditions.

This is the same poster who tried to justify porn use to a devastated wife by saying that Islam allows men to lust after other women as a reward for being good husbands.

I’m not sure if this person is a Muslim who is lying about their religious affiliation, a troll, or a Christian with an Islam fandom. I looked up Cackles religious affiliation, and I can’t find anything, doctrine or tradition, resembling the Islamic customs that she encourages.

 

[kb360]

What in the world??

Tell me about it

 

[otjm]

What about asking that burning question about other partners? 1 thing I know is that he has several female friends in the church community, I wonder why he hasn’t dated them or even married one by now, if he asks me about past relationships can I ask him about that?

It has been said, for those who pay attention, that curiosity killed the cat.

You may want to know that he has not been previously married and divorced; but until you know whether or not you want to be friends, that is irrelevant.

Once you determine that you want to be friends (and that takes a bit of time), you will want to know the answer to that question, as it could be an impediment to dating towards marriage.
But if you are not ever going to consider marrying this guy, it is by and large totally irrelevant.

As to other people in his prior life: NOYDB - None Of Your D(arne)D Business. This need to dig into everyone’s background is an unhealthy sign of insecurity. If he is friends, or a bit more than friends with other women (one or more) that should either be obvious fairly quickly, or will come out on its own. Again - so what, if what you are trying to establish a friendship?

No disrespect, but I “hear” a bit of tingling in your questions; not the least unusual, but slow down. You have the rest of your life to live with your choices. Going slow has a tendency to help avoid rash ones, ill suited ones, and poorly made ones.

 

[Lorelei12]

You are way overthinking this. If you truly are interested in only being friends at first, focus on that. Get to know him and forget all the stuff about past relationships or flirting. If it is not a date, then yes, you both pay your own way.

If you both eventually decide you are interested in more than just friendship, you will need to decide what works best for your relationship. There isn’t one “right” way. Some people have no problem remaining chaste while being alone with each other, and others really struggle with it and need to set rules. There is nothing wrong with innocent flirting, as long as you are not leading someone on. As for past dating experiences, I’m not sure why you consider that not something to discuss? No need to provide details, but a basic idea of how much a person has dated before and how serious it was isn’t inappropriate.

Don’t get ahead of yourself, and just relax and be yourself.

 

[1ke]

My advice here is that you are exponentially overthinking this. Just be yourself and go with the flow.

 

[Cackles]

Uh…the no perfume thing is an Islamic custom, not a Christian one.

Impressive I must say… but like everything else they copied that off us. It’s under modesty that you don’t wear perfume on the first dates. Almost everything the Muslims do is copied form us or sourced from us or the Jews (one in the same to an extent). But as modern Catholics you just wouldn’t recognize it.

I have a lot of respect for Islam.

Can you explain why? I notice your an Atheist. It would be nice if you could come home and believe in God again. Atheism is an internet cult that just takes you around in contradicting circles and curses you.

However, I do not think that Islamic teachings on things like women’s adornment and male sexuality should be passed off on a catholic, or any site, for that matter, as matters of fact.

The Catholics have the most writings and perspectives bar none. The Catholics hold all the secret knowledge of the greatest Rabbi’s of thousands years back. These teachings are not for everyone though.

The Church founded by Jesus Christ is important because it’s the secret knowledge that was passed down:

10 The followers (disciples) came to Jesus and asked, “Why do you use these stories (parables) to teach the people?”

11 Jesus answered, “Only you can know the secret truths about God’s kingdom. Those other people cannot know these secret truths. 12 The people who have some understanding will be given more. And they will have even more than they need. But those who do not have much understanding will lose even the little understanding that they have. 13 This is why I use these stories to teach the people: They see, but they don’t really see. They hear, but they don’t really hear or understand.

Not wearing perfume is part of these secret teachings. The perfume ties in with incense and holiness and is something that is not part of standard layperson teachings. The perfume is only to be worn when the relationship has ‘blossomed’, just like the flower the perfume came from. In the growth stage the flower doesn’t release pollen. Once it’s blossomed, then the perfume can be enjoyed.

The first meeting is the seed phase. Then the growth. Then the blossom. No perfume allowed until the blossom.

 

[Cackles]

I’m not sure if this person is a Muslim who is lying about their religious affiliation, a troll, or a Christian with an Islam fandom.

This has nothing to do with Islam. Their perfume custom are mostly modesty reasons, but still, those are our customs. If you REALLY wanna know, the perfume attracts spirits. If the woman is pious and holy, they will bother her. This is why religious women of the Catholic church are banned from wearing perfume as the pdf suggests.

This kind of information is part of the passed on secret teachings. Not meant for laypeople. I try to keep away from these things. Here’s some validation:

‘Margaret,’ says the king’s historiographer, ‘was the precious flower that adorned this parterre, and whose perfume attracted the best spirits of Europe to Beam

There is a LOT of theology and writings about perfumes and scents.

When the relationship blossoms like the flower, then the perfume can be worn. You don’t want to attract spirits that can cause the date to go wrong. Especially if you live in a rural area.

 

[1ke]

The Catholics have the most writings and perspectives bar none. The Catholics hold all the secret knowledge of the greatest Rabbi’s of thousands years back. These teachings are not for everyone though.

The Church founded by Jesus Christ is important because it’s the secret knowledge that was passed down:

You are super confused. NONE of that is Cahtolic teaching and the Church has no “secret knowledge”. That is Gnostic heresy. Please stop attributing such teachings to the Catholic Church.

 

[LoveJesus13]

Thank you all for the advice, I will be following them. And yes, to some that have said I’m worrying about it too much I agree I can be a bit of worrier due to some bad experiences. But I’m praying to Jesus that I get wiser and stop worrying and leave it in His hands. But again, I’m grateful to have this Catholic community in my life. I will be praying for all of you tonight when I go to mass.

Just to clarify, the perfume, rubbing elbows thing is not a Catholic teaching, so it is ok to wear perfume?

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Thank you all for the advice, I will be following them. And yes, to some that have said I’m worrying about it too much I agree I can be a bit of worrier due to some bad experiences. But I’m praying to Jesus that I get wiser and stop worrying and leave it in His hands. But again, I’m grateful to have this Catholic community in my life. I will be praying for all of you tonight when I go to mass.

Just to clarify, the perfume, rubbing elbows thing is not a Catholic teaching, so it is ok to wear perfume?

Yes, absolutely—it is fine.

I would echo the advice of others: don’t over-think, be yourself.

To add something new: just have fun and get to know him, don’t use your first meetup to grill him on his romantic history. I understand why you want to know about it, but I think answering those kinds of questions posed by a woman you don’t know too well will prove a major turnoff for most men.

 

[Cackles]

Yes, absolutely—it is fine…

No it’s not fine.

This is your own personal viewpoints of what you personally feel is right and wrong without any basis at all.

But let it be known, if she wears the perfume and something bad comes out of it, then you will bare the responsibility.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

No it’s not fine.

This is your own personal viewpoints of what you personally feel is right and wrong without any basis at all.

But let it be known, if she wears the perfume and something bad comes out of it, then you will bare the responsibility.

Nothing that you have provided as evidence so far indicates that there is an existing Catholic teaching that prohibits the use of perfume until one is married. The reason that you cannot provide such evidence is that it does not exist and the reason that it does not exist is that there is no such teaching.

So, I repeat: it is absolutely fine for a Catholic to wear perfume on a first date. Nothing bad will come from it. Your assertion that such a practice will lure demons is reckless and can only serve to lead this young and faithful lady down the road of scrupulosity.

To the original poster: to clear up any confusion here, please speak to a priest. He will confirm that the use of perfume on a first date or at any other time is not per se sinful, dangerous or any such thing.

 

[Avocadomom]

No it’s not fine.

This is your own personal viewpoints of what you personally feel is right and wrong without any basis at all.

But let it be known, if she wears the perfume and something bad comes out of it, then you will bare the responsibility.

Heaven forbid he wear cologne or aftershave. Double the chance of something bad coming of it!