Advice Needed: Sister is $%^*!

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JoyIsLikeRain

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I have little words to describe my sister right now.

I love her, but she has anger, patience, respect and religious issues. She flakes-out on everyone and everything at the last minute. She buys items and returns them all the time. She gets upset at Christmas because everyone always buys her “the wrong things.”
If she’s not at work, she is locked in her bedroom, or out on the town all night. She won’t go to mass any more. She’s 24, and I think she may have depression. I’m her 30 year-old brother who walks on eggshells with her.

Awhile back, we talked of going to Germany and Italy to visit close relatives (we’re fist-gen in the US). She agreed.

I bought the plane fares last night. Several hours later, she texts me to say she has a bad feeling, and doesn’t want to travel any more, and that I can cancel the trip in 24 hours.

I believe in premonitions, but I also know my sister.

I told her to sleep on it. She said no. I didn’t even bother getting mad. There’s no point with her. It will only cause her to lash-out and shut down.

I had hoped this trip would help her. I don’t have many friends who are free to travel, and my girlfriend can’t afford it and is in grad school and can’t go on the dates we chose.

Do I attempt to cancel these tickets?

Do I cancel one and go by myself?

Do I try to find a friend?

Do I try to re-convince my sister?

I’ve prayed. It hurts deep down. Part of me now also just wants to shut down and sit in my bedroom and not travel (I haven’t been anywhere this year).
 
I have sisters, and I understand your frustration. I would cancel her ticket, go alone, enjoy the trip and keep her in your prayers.
 
I think that you’re a very kind and generous brother to your sister. I think you should cancel your sisters ticket as she asked. I would not go about trying to reconvince her, just accept what your sister has told you. But I still think that you should go on the trip, this trip is something that you desired as well. As far as going alone or with a friend. I think that it is perfectly fine to invite another family member or friend to travel with you in her place.
 
Thank you, everyone.

Now, she’s texting me this morning, stating she’d feel better if we took trains instead of a rental car.

I said “I’m fine with anything, it’s the plane flights I haven’t yet canceled.” I almost called the agency, too.

I am going to give her a few hours.

She is always like this: flaky, impetuous, and petulant. .
 
If you go alone, does that mean your sister will be alone in the apartment while you’re away? Would that be a good thing or a bad thing for her, as far as you can tell? I think this factor could be an important (name removed by moderator)ut in your decision-making process.
 
BartholomewB said:
If you go alone, does that mean your sister will be alone in the apartment while you’re away? Would that be a good thing or a bad thing for her, as far as you can tell? I think this factor could be an important (name removed by moderator)ut in your decision-making process.
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My sister wouldn’t be alone; she lives with our parents. I live on my own (and I like it that way).
 
I hope you cancelled, whether she called to say she wants to go or not. You got fair warning. Dodge this bullet, for your sake and hers. If you go through with this, you are asking for trouble. She is in no condition to make these plans.

If you’re worried that your sister has depression, you tell her that she has not been acting like herself and does not seem happy with the changes herself. Encourage her to see a doctor and to get professional help on the idea that it might turn her back more to being herself again.

As for making plans with her, plan in accordance with what a reasonable person would judge to be her likelihood of following through. That means no plans to go on a trip to Europe unless she starts keeping less-important commitments on a regular basis. Have a Plan B for Flakiness when you make any Plan A with her. Don’t make it some judgment on her or trying to make a point with her about it, but don’t apologize for believing that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. It will upset you less. If it upsets her, oh well. She made the bed, so it is hers to lie in.

She’s an adult. Support her, love her, keep her in your prayers as always, but let her live her own life and have her own successes and failures. In the meantime, go about living yours without waiting around for her to change in order to suit you. You’ll both be happier.
 
JoyIsLikeRain said:
I have little words to describe my sister right now.

I love her, but she has anger, patience, respect and religious issues. She flakes-out on everyone and everything at the last minute. She buys items and returns them all the time. She gets upset at Christmas because everyone always buys her “the wrong things.”
If she’s not at work, she is locked in her bedroom, or out on the town all night. She won’t go to mass any more. She’s 24, and I think she may have depression. I’m her 30 year-old brother who walks on eggshells with her.

Awhile back, we talked of going to Germany and Italy to visit close relatives (we’re fist-gen in the US). She agreed.

I bought the plane fares last night. Several hours later, she texts me to say she has a bad feeling, and doesn’t want to travel any more, and that I can cancel the trip in 24 hours.

I believe in premonitions, but I also know my sister.

I told her to sleep on it. She said no. I didn’t even bother getting mad. There’s no point with her. It will only cause her to lash-out and shut down.

I had hoped this trip would help her. I don’t have many friends who are free to travel, and my girlfriend can’t afford it and is in grad school and can’t go on the dates we chose.

Do I attempt to cancel these tickets?

Do I cancel one and go by myself?

Do I try to find a friend?

Do I try to re-convince my sister?

I’ve prayed. It hurts deep down. Part of me now also just wants to shut down and sit in my bedroom and not travel (I haven’t been anywhere this year).
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My advice?

cancel one, go by yourself and have a fantastic time.

I suspect either mental health issues, substance abuse or both.

what do you think is the problem? Did this come on all of a sudden?
 
LSK said:
My advice?

cancel one, go by yourself and have a fantastic time.

I suspect either mental health issues, substance abuse or both.

what do you think is the problem? Did this come on all of a sudden?
Click to expand...
It’s been like this with her for years - the inability to stick to plans and the frequent bouts of histrionics have been with her since even childhood.

She had a nice vacation with my dad last summer and it did improve her outlook somewhat. She’s fallen into an old routine again…and we had talked of our own brother-sister fun trip for ages. She had wonderful ideas galore. She knew I have travelled extensively and I can get by on my own and can make plans (she really doesn’t travel much).

And yet…this is happening. On-the-fence texts less than a day after I bought flights.

She’s accusing that we will have no place to stay…she doesn’t want a rental car, only trains. I said hotels can be booked anywhere and at any time. It’s the flights that get sold out and have to be booked first.
 
JoyIsLikeRain said:
It’s been like this with her for years - the inability to stick to plans and the frequent bouts of histrionics have been with her since even childhood.

She had a nice vacation with my dad last summer and it did improve her outlook somewhat. …
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Here is a thought: cancel both tickets and tell her if she wants to go, pay for the reservations herself. You can always reimburse her after the trip.
 
JoyIsLikeRain said:
It’s been like this with her for years - the inability to stick to plans and the frequent bouts of histrionics have been with her since even childhood.

She had a nice vacation with my dad last summer and it did improve her outlook somewhat. She’s fallen into an old routine again…and we had talked of our own brother-sister fun trip for ages. She had wonderful ideas galore. She knew I have travelled extensively and I can get by on my own and can make plans (she really doesn’t travel much).

And yet…this is happening. On-the-fence texts less than a day after I bought flights.

She’s accusing that we will have no place to stay…she doesn’t want a rental car, only trains. I said hotels can be booked anywhere and at any time. It’s the flights that get sold out and have to be booked first.
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Suggest that you book a brother-sister trip somewhere with a lot less stress involved, both in contemplating the safety of it and in the lowered angst if the plans have to be cancelled or changed at the last minute. Journeying can be a lot of work, particularly when it is gets to be on the plane of a “trip of a lifetime” endeavor. Try a few “training wheel” trips that let you feel out how the two of you will get on best if you get around to doing the big one.

I don’t know about the two of you, but nearly everyone I know can name a trip within one day of where they live that they have always meant to take, but never have. There is no better time for these trips than during the shoulder after school starts but before the colder fall weather sets in. It is a leisurely, peaceful time for adults not tethered to school to travel away from home. Think about doing that. It might be a lot better for both her and for your brother-sister bond than a trip with a lot of expectations laid on it.

You also may decide–one, the other, or both–that you two don’t make ideal travel companions or that this trip to Europe you’d like to do would work better if your parents could be included for all or part of it. That trip is a big investment, after all. Doing your research takes more than time on the internet. Ideally, it includes time with your twould-be ravel companions, too. I know that I’d think twice and then again before I chose one of my wonderful siblings as my companions on a trip like that (although it is a bit different for you, since you’re heading off to see relatives, too).
 
EasterJoy said:
I don’t know about the two of you, but nearly everyone I know can name a trip within one day of where they live that they have always meant to take, but never have. There is no better time for these trips than during the shoulder after school starts but before the colder fall weather sets in. It is a leisurely, peaceful time for adults not tethered to school to travel away from home. Think about doing that. It might be a lot better for both her and for your brother-sister bond than a trip with a lot of expectations laid on it.
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We are; it’s for early October.
 
JoyIsLikeRain said:
We are; it’s for early October.
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Plan a trip with lodging that has 24 hour or even same-day cancellation, and in the back of your mind figure that if things go to H$%# you have scouted out a couple of day excursions to choose from that you and your sister can take with your parents’ house as a home base.

Our family had a week-long trip planned once that had to be cancelled because there was a forest fire in the area we had planned to go. We stayed home and had a week of day trips–hiking one day, a county fair another, and on and one. It was one of the best vacations we ever had. Planned flexibility is one of the great friends of the low-stress family vacation.
 
I hope you cancelled your sister’s ticket. Tell her to call the airline, make her reservations, and put her own money on the line. I learned in college not to make travel plans with flaky people. Plan to go by yourself and enjoy!
 
Have you recommended medical care for your sister? If she is depressed or has other psychological issues she needs to be under a doctor’s care. Has anyone brought that up with her? If you’ve recommended treatment and she won’t pursue it or stick to it, that’s a different story.
 
Definitely GO. Life is short you don’t know what is in your future. You have the time you might not have it next year. You are young. You’ll meet people. You will not be bogged down by drama.

Very difficult to find a good traveling companion. If your sister or anyone else starts whinning about this and that, you know they are not for you. You’ve made an investment and this is your vacation. You should enjoy it.

Your sister might learn from this. She might learn that once she commits to something and the tickets are purchased, she needs to follow through or understand that people will not include her in the future.

Have FUN!:takeoff:
 
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