Advice Needed: Son Refusing to Go To Mass

[brent68]

My teen aged son sometimes refuses to get out of bed and go to Mass with me. I typically go to a later Mass than the rest of my family. They go to the early Mass since my wife teaches Religious Education and the other two are also involved.

What can I do to encourage him to come with me? Any suggestions?

 

[EasterJoy]

What do you do when he refuses to get out of bed to go to school? When he refuses to be on time for dinner or won’t do his chores? When he decides that he doesn’t have to do homework or get it in on time?

It is much the same. If this is a change of heart for him, take that to heart–why does he not want to go? If he resists getting out of bed to do anything, though, then do not make this about anything other than that he gets to go to school and go to Mass because it is his obligation, and though you will do what you can to make his duties light, you will not let him neglect his duties, neither religious nor academic nor social nor having to do with work. He will get where he ought to be on time and in order, and no guff.

The ideal, of course, is that by the time someone is his age they take their own duties on themselves, but most of us are tempted to laziness from time to time and a great many of us literally have our brains unwired and rewired during adolescence and young adulthood, with a few days at least where the traffic lights are not working. Help him persevere and do what is right, even when he doesn’t want to. Don’t put him down, but hold him to those expectations he ought to have for himself, and let him know he deserves to have a high standard for himself and the integrity to always meet it.

 

[pensmama87]

My teen aged son sometimes refuses to get out of bed and go to Mass with me. I typically go to a later Mass than the rest of my family. They go to the early Mass since my wife teaches Religious Education and the other two are also involved.

What can I do to encourage him to come with me? Any suggestions?

Would he be more open to going if you went to the vigil Mass on Saturday? He should at least be out of bed for that!

You might consider asking him why, specifically, he does not want to go, and attempt to find answers to those objections that he will respond to. Is there a youth group he could be part of or other activities for kids his age? Has he been Confirmed?

Of course, as his father, you have the right to say that “in this family, we attend Mass.” But I wouldn’t stick with just that if you expect your son to keep his faith long term.

 

[EasterJoy]

Would he be more open to going if you went to the vigil Mass on Saturday? He should at least be out of bed for that!

You might consider asking him why, specifically, he does not want to go, and attempt to find answers to those objections that he will respond to. Is there a youth group he could be part of or other activities for kids his age? Has he been Confirmed?

Of course, as his father, you have the right to say that “in this family, we attend Mass.” But I wouldn’t stick with just that if you expect your son to keep his faith long term.

This is what I meant by be willing to help to make his duties light. Our life will amount to nothing if we do not commit, if we do not commit to things which will oblige us, if we will not stick to doing our duties with integrity, but this does not mean we should not look for ways to do our duty such that we can put the greatest part of our hearts into it.

The ideal with Mass, as with the jobs we do in order to put food on the table, is to feel we would happily participate if there were no obligation, that it is the sort of work we “would do if we weren’t paid”. It is our integrity, though, that sees us through when we are too blind to see the worth of what we are obliged to do, because* true obligations are always allegiances to the deeply worthwhile*.

OP, just as you send him out into the world with an appreciation of why his work is worthwhile, why true commitment in marriage is worthwhile, why taking care of his own body is worthwhile, the goal is for him to see why the obligation to attend Mass is an obligation because of how deeply worthwhile it is to participate in the Mass. Still, just as with all those other duties he might not want to see as worthwhile enough to be thought obligations, lead him to do them even if he is blind to the reason. That is worthwhile. Leaving him in bed when he doesn’t feel like going to Mass is NOT the way to build a “true” and “heartfelt” love for the Mass, any more than letting him stay home from school until he feels like going will make him into a scholar. Most of us need help to stay accountable, especially when we are young. Few of us will develop a faithful allegiance when forming it is left to our whim. It is no different with religion.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

No advice, just prayed for you. I have teenagers myself.

:hug1:

SM

 

[tawny]

My teen aged son sometimes refuses to get out of bed and go to Mass with me. I typically go to a later Mass than the rest of my family. They go to the early Mass since my wife teaches Religious Education and the other two are also involved.

What can I do to encourage him to come with me? Any suggestions?

Praying for you and your son.

 

[blaskoman]

Well, as your son is still a minor and under your care, you may ground him and take away some privileges if he doesn’t comply. Once he turns 18, you may encourage him to attend Mass but its really his choice then.

 

[judynurse]

Does he have a specific reason? Or just trying out his “muscles” on Dad? Maybe if you simply say “You’re going, now get up”, leave the room expecting him to do so, he will go that particular Sunday. After Mass, take him to a restaurant or drive-in food place and get a cup of coffee for you and a shake or hot chocolate for him. Nothing major, just a short break for the “guys” to have time together.

See what happens the following Sunday after that! If you have a pleasant, non-confrontational time with him after Mass, without discussing the homily, etc…, just Father/Son time together, he may decide it’s worthwhile to get up on Sundays!

Is he staying up too late on Saturday nights? Out on a date or watching tv until well after midnight? Setting a time when all the kids (according to age) are expected to cease tv, video games, or whatever, and go to bed might correct the problem right there. I had a time I had to be home, and ready for bed until I was 18!! That was the rule and one of the few that was inflexible. Also doing expected daily and weekly chores was not optional. Same with getting up for school (although I loved school as a kid, so no problems there). I did, however have a time when I had to be home (usually 10pm on Fri. and Sat., by 8pm if allowed to go out at all during school days) and a time for bed (generally 10:30 or 11:00 on weekends, MUCH earlier on school days.) This carried over to summers as well. Earlier during the week, later on Friday night, but Saturday night was earlier than Friday, because I had to get up for Mass on Sunday – and I went to Mass alone, as I was the only Catholic and usually walked to my Parish, or took a bus if a longer distance, and did so by myself from age 11 onward.

 

[EasterJoy]

Well, as your son is still a minor and under your care, you may ground him and take away some privileges if he doesn’t comply. Once he turns 18, you may encourage him to attend Mass but its really his choice then.

The whole problem is very much like a child who refuses to exercise. You can require them to do it, and must require them to do it for their own welfare, but it is also necessary to use the imagination to find a way to get them to love the obligation and put some real heart into the activity. If you let them go without doing it, it is just that much harder for them to ever start and keep up the healthy habit again, because falling away makes it even harder to choose the habit in adulthood than having gone without wanting to go would have done.

 

[judynurse]

The whole problem is very much like a child who refuses to exercise. You can require them to do it, and must require them to do it for their own welfare, but it is also necessary to use the imagination to find a way to get them to love the obligation and put some real heart into the activity. If you let them go without doing it, it is just that much harder for them to ever start and keep up the healthy habit again, because falling away makes it even harder to choose the habit in adulthood than having gone without wanting to go would have done.

I think some private “special” time with his Dad after the weekly Mass, just might put some heart and interest in the boy, and make him feel that Mass with Dad and a cup of hot cocoa or a soda pop while discussing football, or whatever his interest is, on a more adult level, and making it a special “guy” time, jut might turn him around. Especially if he hasn’t developed a real interest in Mass or has lost it, this subtle form of “reward” might just turn Sundays into a special day for him!

 

[aTraditionalist]

Encourage him to pay his share of the mortgage. As far as I’m concerned, it’s your house and family thus your rules. Grown up decisions come with a grown up price tag.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android