Advice Needed: Son's inappropriate touching

[barhoram]

Just took a call from my son’s teacher that has me rather upset. He is in the 6th Grade.

Teacher informed me that he had noticed a pattern of my son of inappropriate touching/getting into personal space too much of other classmates. My wife and I have both know that he has had issues with this in the past. He had the same teacher last year and we had a conversation with him about it when there was an issue then. We have tried to work with him on understanding personal space/boundaries…but appears he is still doing it. Teacher noted we had talked about it last year and noticed a pattern of it again over the last 2-3 weeks. The incident last year was with a girl in the class, and I do not believe he was doing anything intentional…just unaware of boundaries that most have picked up on by his age (my opinion). The incident(s) this year I believe have been around boys…with the teacher citing the class was spread out around the room…some at desks, some on the floor working on projects. He mentioned my son was laying next to another boy on the floor as they worked on the project, but his arm was resting on the other student around his back and his hand close to a private area (i assume butt). The teacher said he felt he at times was just too intimate and “missing what’s appropriate”.

We’ve noticed at home that even playing with his two younger brothers, at time he just seems take it too far into being inappropriate. Youngest brother is 4 now…so there was always a certain bit of loving on and hugging when he was more a newborn…but again he has taken it too far at times.

Anyone have any experience with dealing with this. My first thought is some sort of counselling…but not even sure where to start. He had some anxiety issues years ago and we saw a therapist…but at the end of the sessions she ended up with thinking he was pretty much normal.

 

[pensmama87]

One thing that occurs to me is that your son might benefit from therapy/social skills training/etc even if there’s nothing “obviously” wrong with him. The fact that he’s a little behind in this regard would seem to be enough reason to try it. Techniques that benefit people who have profound problems can often benefit those who fall within the guidelines considered normal.

How has the teacher addressed it with him? Are the kids he has been getting too close to bothered by it? Is there a guidance counselor in the school who could remind him about the importance of personal boundaries?

I know I’m not keen on schools teaching everything to my kids, but I know when I was in school we had a guidance curriculum that included things like this. You’re right that most kids just pick it up, but some kids are very innocent, and some kids unfortunately have poor role models, so that was a neutral way to handle this kind of thing, which is really common. My kids are a lot younger, but with them and when I was babysitting, including older children, I had to remind them occasionally about appropriate social touching, undressing in front of each other, closing the bathroom door, etc. Just reminding them of the rules was enough, though some kids needed more reminders than others.

 

[barhoram]

Thanks for the reply.

I think the teacher has done a really good job handling the situation. He has pulled him aside in private and discussed the personal boundaries issue (in the past). When it repeated, he got in touch with us.

He did note that either someone said something or he picked up that it was starting to make classmates uncomfortable. He goes to a smaller Catholic school, so the guidance counselor wears two or three different hats, and probably isn’t as versed as say one in a big public school. At this point we are afraid he may get kicked out of it doesn’t stop ASAP.

As I wrote, I’m of the opinion it is innocent, not intentional. My wife is now thinking that it is sexual or possibly sexual…but I honestly don’t see it. I had to stop discussing it with her as it was just going to turn into a fight and neither of us are experts in that area.

We are going to sit him down tonight after the other kids are in bed and have a discussion. Will also probably reach out to the therapist that saw him before and ask her for a recommendation.

 

[pianistclare]

A visit to the pediatrician is in order. I’m sure they have resources and action plans for this. It happens. Go to the experts. If it’s not sexual he will reassure her. God bless. I would not expect a small Catholic school to handle ot for me. Be proactive, and go to someone not affiliate. Small schools carry tales. Praying for you all. I’m sure you can get help for him, as well as put your mind at ease.

 

[Xantippe]

This is going to sound a little out there, but for quite a while, we had a no-touch-without-parental-permission rule at our house. The problem was that our oldest is mildly autistic, 2.5 years older than her younger brother, and did not know her own size or strength. If we had allowed her to hug her little brother at will, he would have gotten hurt a lot.

While we were operating with that rule, anytime the kids wanted to hug, they had to ask a parent first. Again, that may sound out there, but it worked for us, and we were eventually able to suspend the rule, once our oldest was more mature and responsible.

We continue to have a practice of asking the other person before hugging. I ask our oldest if I can hug her, and if she says no, I don’t do it.

I know you’re currently most concerned about protecting other kids from your son/protecting your son from awkward situations, but there’s also the issue of other kids or adults touching him, so working on this could help him build boundaries that will keep him safer.

Best wishes!

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

You need to get professional help with your son …
It may sort itself out , but what if it doesn’t ,
In a couple of years he may be completely out of control …
With help bad things may be avoided,

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Students laying on the floor in the classroom, in the 6th grade??? This sounds rather inappropriate, to me.

Generally speaking, an 11-12 year old should be old enough to know not to touch others without permission.

 

[PureChaos]

I know this isn’t exactly what your asking advice on right now, but I would like to recommend reading this -
ewtn.com/library/FAMILY/LISTENSN.TXT
It’s something that needs to be discussed eventually, though in our current corrupt society, maybe better sooner than later…and should be something that your son learns from you most of all…
I really don’t know if it’ll help with your current issue, but maybe you’ll find something useful out of it…
It might feel like this is the worst thing to teach him right now because it will just make him worse, but I believe the opposite would occur, that is if this is something sexual, and the reason I think so is because if it a sexual thing, then he’s exploring those things all on his own, and not being taught the morals and understanding to go with it, which is dangerous if left too long unchecked, because then he will develop a false and perverted way of looking at those things and at others…but if he learns those things in a way proper to his age(which that book accomplishes very well) and from someone he respects and looks up to(yourself) then he will feel differently about it and perhaps even become a bit more mature afterwards…of course that’s just my opinion, you know your son and you should make the judgement on all that, so feel free to take this or leave it

Hope this helps, take care.

 

[EasterJoy]

…As I wrote, I’m of the opinion it is innocent, not intentional. My wife is now thinking that it is sexual or possibly sexual…but I honestly don’t see it. I had to stop discussing it with her as it was just going to turn into a fight and neither of us are experts in that area.

We are going to sit him down tonight after the other kids are in bed and have a discussion. Will also probably reach out to the therapist that saw him before and ask her for a recommendation.

It is not innocent when people keep telling him what their boundaries are and he doesn’t make much of an effort to respect their boundaries.

I think it is time to say, “Son, you’ve been getting feedback about this for a year. You’re old enough to stop saying, ‘I didn’t mean it’ and start making an effort to give people the space that our society customarily requires you to give. If you don’t start ‘meaning’ to give people space, they’re going to realize that you just don’t care enough about their feelings to make an effort to change. You don’t get to run over them on the basketball court and say, ‘oops, I didn’t mean that.’ You don’t get to run stop signs and say, ‘oops, I didn’t mean that.’ You have to learn the boundaries and make an effort to always stay within them.”