Advice needed

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AshJade

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I have recently returned to the church after about 7 years and I have a problem. My husband was baptized Catholic as a baby, but he was raised agnostic. He is a very spiritual man that has a strong belief in God, but doesn’t believe in organized religion. He is fully supportive of my raising our two young children Catholic, but he refuses to go to church. In spite of this, we are still in the process of having our marriage validated and getting our children baptized.

My problem is on the issue of contraception. We do not want any other children, because we are not financially stable and I suffered from extreme post partum depression. I was actually suicidal and had to be medicated. It was the most difficult part of my life and I’m suprised I survived it. My husband literally saved my life when I was at my darkest moment. I have read up on NFP, and talked to my husband about it, but he refuses to practice it with me. He is terrified that if I become pregnant again I will suffer post partum depression and harm myself or someone else. He has even said that if I go off my birth control he will get a vasectomy.

I don’t know what to do. I want to be in full communion with the church, but I have serious fears and I don’t want to go against my husband’s wishes. Any ideas?
 
Hi, AshJade!

Why won’t your husband practice NFP with you? It’s true that it’s not 100%, but it’s pretty darn close if your cycles are fairly regular and you’re consistent with taking your temperatures and observing CM. Nothing is 100%. Have either of you gone to the classes to learn more about it yet?

I’m sorry you had such a rough time with your pregnancies and post partum. If your husband won’t practice NFP with you, you take control of your body and practice it yourself. On the days you must abstain, for your reasons, you just have to abstain. Don’t lie to your husband about why you are refusing marital relations at that time. If you get to learn your cycles pretty well, you may only have to abstain for 7-10 days each month.

I understand you want to help your husband get to heaven–that’s what married couples do–but at this point, you are only responsible for you. You can’t blame yourself if he gets a vasectomy. If you wish to be in full communion with the Church, you should come off the contraceptives and bring faith into all aspects of your life. NFP requires a little faith and a little common sense. Trust yourself and trust God. I’ll say a prayer for you.
 
Bottom line: contraception is always gravely sinful.

You are responsible for you, for what you know and what you do.

If your husband insists on doing some form of contraception himself, you cannot stop him nor are you required to abstain. See this Vatican document. You are not sinning if you do not contracept and he does.
 
Hi Ash Jade
welcome back !!! Speak to your priest he will be very knowledgeable and approachable.I hope you have been re-assured by the responses so far.Put your faith and trust in God
pray to Him He is always with you.
Good luck to you and your husband & im sure he will be inspired by your shining example.
 
Contraception is gravely sinful. I get it. It’s a mortal sin, I understand that.

Having said that , please, please, please let’s try to be compassionate to those that might be stuck in it’s trenches, like everyone here has been so far, thank Goodness!

Your husband might be afraid how reliable NFP is. He might have concerns about your health and saftey (my heart just crumbles for your suffering from Post-partum depression Thank goodness your no longer sick) , and from a male perspective, sometimes long term abstinence can just be a jarring consequence. (Don’t scream at us girls, it’s just the way most of us were made! 😉 )

Whatever you do, don’t just start preaching to him about the horrors of contraception. That WILL just put him off.
 
Thanks for all your help. I am going to find out about classes on NFP. I just don’t want to be dishonest with my husband. He deserves more than that. He might not be an active Catholic, but he definately is an amazing example for christ-like living and compassion.
 
And I have a feeling that, with you as his wife, he may find himself drawn Home to Rome just as you were!
 
Well, I just found out I’m pregnant, so I guess this thread was completely unnecessary for the time being. My husband is even more convinced that he should get a vasectomy now. I’m going to just focus on having a healthy baby. 🙂
 
AshJade said:
Well, I just found out I’m pregnant, so I guess this thread was completely unnecessary for the time being. My husband is even more convinced that he should get a vasectomy now. I’m going to just focus on having a healthy baby. 🙂
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Congratulations!

Focus on a healthy baby and a healthy you, too.

You were both scared because of your last pregnancy. Perhaps this pregnancy will be different and it will help you and your DH change your opinion/perspective on more children. Perhaps this pregnancy will be nothing like the last one. With what you know now, take steps to manage any depressed feelings if you start having them and get help before you feel overwhelmed.

Ask your DH to wait until after the baby is born to make any decisions.
 
Many congratulations.I will pray for you that your pregnancy goes well & you dont suffer post natal depression.If it were me i would try to read up as much as possible about PND and see if there is anything you could do to try to prevent it.I know nothing of it really but i was wondering if your diet could be changed would it help/taking a supplement etc.Perhaps a chat to yout doctor telling him/her what happened last time can they advise anything.I swear by relaxation.Lavender oil on my pillow and wrists to smell keeps me calm.I have been taking vitamin B6 & evening primrose tablets for years,NOT when im pregnant though.A doctor would have to advise you if any supplements are safe.I know folic acid is good in early pregnancy but again check with doctor.
My first baby died & naturally i was very depressed/grieving but i dont think its the same thing.You poor girl …please try not to worry.If it does happen again (which i dont think it will) you’ve got all of us here to pray with you & for you to help you through.Ultimately put your faith & trust in God and pray He answers prayers.
God bless my friend take care and rest let us know how you are feeling
 
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