Advice needed

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Odofa2

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I need to rant and maybe help and advice. Cos I am so confused and stressed. My situation is very complicated. But I will try to explain my situation as clear as possible.

I am not originally from US but I am US citizen. I am also Christian but not Catholic. I met someone that was from my country of origin. A month after we met, he disclosed to me that his visa will expired soon and he is planning to move out of US permanently in 2 months time. He said we can continue our relationship long distance and see where it goes. I was very heartbroken by this and did not want him to leave. So I made a suggestion that since we are dating on a serious note and we have strong feelings for each other. Why don’t we go to courthouse and get married? That way he can get to stay in US and we can still continue our relationship.

We agreed that in 2 yrs time after we are financially settle we will have proper wedding ( our home country traditional wedding and church wedding where all our family we will be present).

We got married and everything was going well. He is Catholic and he knows I am not Catholic and he told me he was ok with this. His entire family all seemed ok with it. I respected his religion and I even followed him to mass few times.

Here is where the problem started. 3 months after the court wedding, he started talking about holy communion. He said I have to come to his church and get married so he can have holy communion. I told him I cannot do that cos our plan was to wait until all our family have met each other, specifically our parents. I can’t go get married in a church without my family being there. Secondly I am the bride, the wedding takes place at bride’s church. After few argument, it seemed like the problem was solved.

Throughout all of this, we had not fully moved in together yet, but he stayed at my place more than his place. One day he took all of his things from my place.

Then few wks later he disclosed to me that he talked to the priest at his church and he was told the only way he can get holy communion with his situation is he cannot live under the same roof with me and we have to stop being intimate cos he is committing a sin. He also been hinting about divorce. He stated that technical our marriage is not real because his priest told him the church doesn’t recognised it and if he divorces, he is not committing any sin.

Since all of these have happened. His behaviour toward me has change significantly. He doesn’t come to my place anymore. If I call or text, it takes hrs to get a response. Our bedroom life is nonexistence.

He blamed me for all of these. He is like emotionally blackmailing me to go for blessing. But how can I go for blessing without my family, they don’t even live anywhere close to me. And I want my church wedding done properly.

My question is since he is subduedly threaten divorce. Will the church ok a divorce on this ground without it being a sin?

This is very stressful. I did not enter this marriage to get a divorce. At the same time, I don’t like being emotionally blackmailed so he can get his way.
 
Odofa, here is the problem. You rushed into marrying someone you only knew a month, for the sake of keeping him in this country. Then you are annoyed that he wants to get married in church so he can receive communion, because you need to save up for your dream wedding in your church.

He does not need permission from his church to divorce you. He may even have grounds for annulment since the whole marriage was a sham from the start. You admitted that you two married so he could stay in this country. And you admit that you offered marriage as a solution because you wanted to keep him here.
 
Yes it does seem you walked into a quicksand pit ,
the further you go,the harder it is to get anywhere,
You must ask yourself 2 question, and remove any emotion from the answer,
Are you completely happy,
Is he really worth all this pain
If there is a no answer , then , it’s sad, but time to walk out of that sandpit and move on,
Might sound harsh, but you must think of your own future ,
 
OP, you should be in professional counseling to decide if you really want to be validly married or not. Your courthouse marriage was really not valid. You and he need to be honest with each other and make a new plan.
 
This marriage should be annulled immediately; he used you to stay in the country and this is no way to start a family or a life together.
 
I am sorry for your situation, and it sounds like your husband used you to stay in the country. You fell victim to a scam like so many girls do. If he has a conditional green card, I would contact Immigration and let them know that he scammed you into marrying him. If they find it to be true, they then will revoke his green card and deport him back to his country where he should be. A good Catholic man would never make promises he knows he couldn’t keep, and he knew that your marriage in a court house was not valid under the eyes of the church. I would speak to someone in your own church to help get you through this difficult time.

God Bless.
 
But maybe this wasn’t a scam. It sounds like two people who think they love each other getting married, probably sooner than you should have…

He must marry in the Catholic church to be able to receive the Eucharist. For a Catholic, this is extremely important, since the Eucharist is the body and blood of our Lord.
You should discuss this with a wise priest, It is not a good idea to wait two years to get married in the church, If you two decide you want to continue in this marriage, you should get married, with or without your family present.

I married an illegal alien, and everyone thought it was so he could get his green card. Maybe so, but we are still together 21 years later, with two children.

You both need to decide what you really want. Perhaps he could return to his country and continue your relationship at a distance, until you decide whether you want to be married. Right now you are playing at marriage, which is a bad idea.

It is very important that neither of you enter into a marriage in the Catholic church unless you are sure that is what you want, The Church does not allow divorce, the only way to dissolve your Catholic marriage would be to get an annulment, which is not always possible.

Are you sure you want to marry a man whose first loyalty is to Christ? Because for a Catholic, that’s where it has to be.
 
Odofa2 said:
Since all of these have happened. His behaviour toward me has change significantly. He doesn’t come to my place anymore. If I call or text, it takes hrs to get a response. Our bedroom life is nonexistence.

… I want my church wedding done properly.

My question is since he is subduedly threaten divorce. Will the church ok a divorce on this ground without it being a sin? .
Click to expand...
To the OP,

Sounds like there is a lot going on here. I’ll answer the easy question first. Since the church doesn’t recognize your marriage as valid (since it wasn’t performed in front of a priest or bishop) the answer is yes, your husband can divorce you and it will not be considered a sin by the church because they didn’t consider you validly married in the first place.

The caveat to that, of course, is if he only married you in order to get a green card, which would - of course- be something that he would seriously need to repent for.

I truly feel for the both of you. I’ll chime in that yes, you both rushed into a marriage that it seems neither of you were fully prepared to commit to, and that is now leading to problems. By your own admission, your marriage was simply a solution to a visa problem. A piece of paper to keep him in the country, and it seems little else. You said you want your “Church wedding” to be done properly. That speaks volumes of what you thought of your civil wedding, which seems to have been done with little thought involved. In essence it seems that you both viewed the civil wedding as an empty ceremony and a piece of paper, but considered your “real” wedding two years in the future.

Putting all that aside, there are some things to consider. I do not know your husband, nor do I know anything about your relationship together. If you want to continue being married to him there are a few things you are going to need to discuss with him. (Things that probably should have been discussed prior to your civil nuptials, but I digress)

For one, the fact that your ‘bedroom life’ has gone down the tubes and he has decided to move his things out of your house doesn’t necessarily mean that he was trying to scam you from the start. It sounds like he is having an attack of conscious, and possibly some confusion, about his relationship with you. Understand, civilly the two of you are married, and it sounds like your husband was under the impression that the Church would recognize that union, which means the two of you could lay together as husband and wife in the way God intended.

However, now he has learned that the Church does not, in fact, recognize the marriage as valid since it was not performed by a priest or bishop. Therefore he may be worried that having ‘marital relations’ with you could be considered a sin, since the church views the two of you, essentially, as unmarried. That may be why your ‘bedroom life’ has become non-existant.

Further, since the church views the two of you as not validly married, the two of you living together (co-habitation) is somewhat scandalous and (depending on his priest) may actually mean that he cannot properly attend confession. (Reason being, if he is living in sin with no plans to change his ways he cannot properly confess that sin)

And of course, if he cannot go to confession and receive grace, he cannot accept the Eucharist either, which is a huge issue for a Catholic with strong faith and may be why he has seemed ‘moody’ of late.

From what you’ve written earlier, it sounds like your husband is pushing for the ‘church wedding’ in order to put these things right. Once the Church gives a valid marriage the two of you can move back in together, resume your ‘marital bed’, and he can return to the sacraments.

I would suggest you sit down with your husband and have a serious talk about these things, find out what the both of you want, and go from there. If the two of you seriously love one another, and TRULY want to embrace one another in real matrimony (not just ‘playing house’ for two years until you decide you’re ready) then I think you should consider really getting married. Realize it is a lifelong commitment. Decide if this is the man you want to father your children. Sort out your true feelings for one another. Talk it out.

God bless and good luck
 
Odofa2 said:
I need to rant and maybe help and advice. Cos I am so confused and stressed. My situation is very complicated. But I will try to explain my situation as clear as possible.

I am not originally from US but I am US citizen. I am also Christian but not Catholic. I met someone that was from my country of origin. A month after we met, he disclosed to me that his visa will expired soon and he is planning to move out of US permanently in 2 months time. He said we can continue our relationship long distance and see where it goes. I was very heartbroken by this and did not want him to leave. So I made a suggestion that since we are dating on a serious note and we have strong feelings for each other. Why don’t we go to courthouse and get married? That way he can get to stay in US and we can still continue our relationship.

We agreed that in 2 yrs time after we are financially settle we will have proper wedding ( our home country traditional wedding and church wedding where all our family we will be present).

We got married and everything was going well. He is Catholic and he knows I am not Catholic and he told me he was ok with this. His entire family all seemed ok with it. I respected his religion and I even followed him to mass few times.

Here is where the problem started. 3 months after the court wedding, he started talking about holy communion. He said I have to come to his church and get married so he can have holy communion. I told him I cannot do that cos our plan was to wait until all our family have met each other, specifically our parents. I can’t go get married in a church without my family being there. Secondly I am the bride, the wedding takes place at bride’s church. After few argument, it seemed like the problem was solved.

Throughout all of this, we had not fully moved in together yet, but he stayed at my place more than his place. One day he took all of his things from my place.

Then few wks later he disclosed to me that he talked to the priest at his church and he was told the only way he can get holy communion with his situation is he cannot live under the same roof with me and we have to stop being intimate cos he is committing a sin. He also been hinting about divorce. He stated that technical our marriage is not real because his priest told him the church doesn’t recognised it and if he divorces, he is not committing any sin.

Since all of these have happened. His behaviour toward me has change significantly. He doesn’t come to my place anymore. If I call or text, it takes hrs to get a response. Our bedroom life is nonexistence.

He blamed me for all of these. He is like emotionally blackmailing me to go for blessing. But how can I go for blessing without my family, they don’t even live anywhere close to me. And I want my church wedding done properly.

My question is since he is subduedly threaten divorce. Will the church ok a divorce on this ground without it being a sin?

This is very stressful. I did not enter this marriage to get a divorce. At the same time, I don’t like being emotionally blackmailed so he can get his way.
Click to expand...
The Church does not grant divorces. Ever. What it can do is determine if there ever was a marriage there and declare it null if there was not. And it sounds like a great case for nullity.

This is what happens when people ignore or try to get around secular laws, and more importantly God’s laws…
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
The Church does not grant divorces. Ever. What it can do is determine if there ever was a marriage there and declare it null if there was not. And it sounds like a great case for nullity.
Click to expand...
Correct, but I think what she was asking about was more to do with the possibility of her husband requesting a civil divorce and what the church would think about that.

You’re right, the church doesn’t grant divorce. However that doesn’t mean her husband cannot divorce her.

In this case their marriage was civil, and the church doesn’t recognize it to start with. So yes, her husband could get a civil divorce and the church wouldn’t consider it a sin since they didn’t view their marriage as valid to begin with.

Just wanted to clarify that for the OP. We’re both saying the same thing really.
 
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