Advice on a friendship

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Rockon561

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I am a twenty seven year male with same sex attraction. As a relatively new convert to the faith, I fully understand, believe and embrace what the church and Christ teaches and expects from someone struggling with homosexual tendencies. I have gone through years of self denial, self hate, extreme frustration and disappointment but have come to accept, that at least for the foreseeable future, and I feel for my entire life, I must learn to accept and embrace a chaste lifestyle. Although I believe my SSA is deeply rooted and ‘set’, I have never engaged in any sinful behavior with another person, and will continue to live in chastity with the help and grace of God.

I do not want to turn this thread into a conversation about SSA and how I have arrived here, although I appreciate any comments or opinions, but I have a particular issue I was hoping for some advice on.

I have a very good friend, also male, that has helped me through my highs and lows quite a bit over the years. Although not a Catholic, there is no doubt that he is deeply spiritual and a follower of Christ. I view him very much as a brother. Just like everyone else, he has no idea about my struggle with SSA.

Oftentimes we will get into a conversation about the future and he will make a comment about “when you get married” or “when you have your first child,” and although I never engage the conversation or ‘put on appearances’, it really bothers me that he has hopes for me that really can’t ever happen. He knows how much I value the family unit and parental roles, and I have been there for him a few times when he sometimes struggled with his- so I can see why he would naturally expect me to have my own.

My question is, do I have an obligation to tell my friend about my struggle? Am I being unfair to him in that he should know that, in all likelihood, I will never have those things. Am I lying to him in a sense? Should he know about my struggle in order for him to decide if I am a person he wants to continue to be around?

I know that the benefits of just sharing my struggle with someone could be enormous. Lately I have been tempted to despair on God’s mercy when I look at the big swath of my life ahead and get caught up in despair and loneliness instead of just taking it one day at a time- and a good friend might be able to help with that. I also know that he might not react so well and I might lose a really good relationship that has really helped my spirituality.

What do you suggest? Do I have an obligation?
 
Welcome to the board!

No, you don’t have an obligation. You have no obligation to discuss this with anyone other than perhaps your confessor.

That said, why not just tell your friend that you don’t see yourself ever marrying or having children. That you believe God is calling you to serve Him as a single person? There are plenty of people who could say the same thing, but who do not struggle with SSA. If your friend digs more, you can just describe it as a Catholic thing, not a SSA thing.
 
I admire your determination to remain chaste with such a difficult cross to bear. I will keep you in my prayers. My initial reaction is that sharing your SSA with your friend is unnecessary at this point. You can still keep your communication honest while still refraining from certain specifics. I think these days people sometimes “over-share” persona information. In my opinion, this may be one of those instances. God Bless you, my friend in Christ!
 
Rockon561 said:
I am a twenty seven year male with same sex attraction. As a relatively new convert to the faith, I fully understand, believe and embrace what the church and Christ teaches and expects from someone struggling with homosexual tendencies. I have gone through years of self denial, self hate, extreme frustration and disappointment but have come to accept, that at least for the foreseeable future, and I feel for my entire life, I must learn to accept and embrace a chaste lifestyle. Although I believe my SSA is deeply rooted and ‘set’, I have never engaged in any sinful behavior with another person, and will continue to live in chastity with the help and grace of God.

I do not want to turn this thread into a conversation about SSA and how I have arrived here, although I appreciate any comments or opinions, but I have a particular issue I was hoping for some advice on.

I have a very good friend, also male, that has helped me through my highs and lows quite a bit over the years. Although not a Catholic, there is no doubt that he is deeply spiritual and a follower of Christ. I view him very much as a brother. Just like everyone else, he has no idea about my struggle with SSA.

Oftentimes we will get into a conversation about the future and he will make a comment about “when you get married” or “when you have your first child,” and although I never engage the conversation or ‘put on appearances’, it really bothers me that he has hopes for me that really can’t ever happen. He knows how much I value the family unit and parental roles, and I have been there for him a few times when he sometimes struggled with his- so I can see why he would naturally expect me to have my own.

My question is, do I have an obligation to tell my friend about my struggle? Am I being unfair to him in that he should know that, in all likelihood, I will never have those things. Am I lying to him in a sense? Should he know about my struggle in order for him to decide if I am a person he wants to continue to be around?

I know that the benefits of just sharing my struggle with someone could be enormous. Lately I have been tempted to despair on God’s mercy when I look at the big swath of my life ahead and get caught up in despair and loneliness instead of just taking it one day at a time- and a good friend might be able to help with that. I also know that he might not react so well and I might lose a really good relationship that has really helped my spirituality.

What do you suggest? Do I have an obligation?
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You do not have a theological obligation to tell him, he doesn’t need to know. Without lying there is only so long you can put off telling him, it’s better for you to tell him than him figuring it out. If he figures it out he will probably feel quite hurt because from his perspective you don’t trust him enough to tell him.

I think him knowing would help you feel a lot better, few people can make it in this world devoid of human help.
 
Dakota_Roberts said:
You do not have a theological obligation to tell him, he doesn’t need to know. Without lying there is only so long you can put off telling him, it’s better for you to tell him than him figuring it out. If he figures it out he will probably feel quite hurt because from his perspective you don’t trust him enough to tell him.

I think him knowing would help you feel a lot better, few people can make it in this world devoid of human help.
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Thanks for the opinions, thoughts and (hopefully) prayers. That is my concern, that eventually because of my lack of engaging in those conversations, or just because my single state never changes, he will figure it out. It would also be very difficult to explain to him that I will remain single without becoming a religious and him not ask the obvious. At that point, I would either have to lie- or tell him about my struggle- and then, like you suggest Dakota, he might be upset that I didn’t tell him- or upset that I had a close friendship with him without telling him something that will definitely shape the rest of my life. I sort of feel led to explain to him what my struggle is, and then let him make decisions on our friendship based on reality- if he chooses to distance himself, then at least he can respect the fact that I let him know.

I sort of disagree that people nowdays tend to over share information. I think that sometimes having some one or a group of close friends that you can share life with is important, maybe even critical. Sometimes a close friend can steer you away from trouble quite a bit before you realize how much you are in yourself. Just based on the situations that my friend has helped me through before lets me see that it is important to surround yourself with Godly people, especially Godly people you can actually talk to. It is very much like Galatians 6:2 *“Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” *

Pray for me as I work this out in my mind and make a decision- I’m even surprised with myself how big of deal this is- just trying to be fair with everyone.

God Bless
 
God bless you!

I know it’s not exactly the same, but I am a single heterosexual female who plans to remain single. Some of my happily married friends can’t understand that I can be happy being single. Some do understand and fully accept my decision.

I share this info with the people I believe 1) have earned my trust on this topic and 2) are very important to me. I share it with the “safe” people. Others-I just let them think whatever they want.

Basically, share if it’s good for YOU and for the RELATIONSHIP. Share at the time you think is best.
 
You will definitely be in my prayers. You have a heavy cross to bear, but with God’s help, you have chosen the better path.

As for your friend, you are in a rather “darned if you do, darned if you don’t” situation. On one hand, if you don’t tell him, and he figures it out, he could feel you don’t trust him enough to be honest. On the other hand, if you DO tell him, he could react badly and cut off the friendship. Have you ever discussed SSA with him in a general way? Does he ever mention the subject in another context? If he loves you as a friend, he would not end the relationship, but there is always a risk that he will do that…some people cannot deal with the subject at all.

I can’t tell you what to do, but I just wanted to let you know that you have my prayers.
 
Rockon561 said:
Thanks for the opinions, thoughts and (hopefully) prayers. That is my concern, that eventually because of my lack of engaging in those conversations, or just because my single state never changes, he will figure it out. It would also be very difficult to explain to him that I will remain single without becoming a religious and him not ask the obvious. At that point, I would either have to lie- or tell him about my struggle- and then, like you suggest Dakota, he might be upset that I didn’t tell him- or upset that I had a close friendship with him without telling him something that will definitely shape the rest of my life. I sort of feel led to explain to him what my struggle is, and then let him make decisions on our friendship based on reality- if he chooses to distance himself, then at least he can respect the fact that I let him know.

I sort of disagree that people nowdays tend to over share information. I think that sometimes having some one or a group of close friends that you can share life with is important, maybe even critical. Sometimes a close friend can steer you away from trouble quite a bit before you realize how much you are in yourself. Just based on the situations that my friend has helped me through before lets me see that it is important to surround yourself with Godly people, especially Godly people you can actually talk to. It is very much like Galatians 6:2 *“Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” *

Pray for me as I work this out in my mind and make a decision- I’m even surprised with myself how big of deal this is- just trying to be fair with everyone.

God Bless
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I think you should tell him should tell him soon, but probe to see what his reactions to SSA people are to reduce the chance of rejection
cecilia97 said:
God bless you!

I know it’s not exactly the same, but I am a single heterosexual female who plans to remain single. Some of my happily married friends can’t understand that I can be happy being single. Some do understand and fully accept my decision.

I share this info with the people I believe 1) have earned my trust on this topic and 2) are very important to me. I share it with the “safe” people. Others-I just let them think whatever they want.

Basically, share if it’s good for YOU and for the RELATIONSHIP. Share at the time you think is best.
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There is a large difference between choosing to be single and being in a situation where you can’t be with someone. It’s like the difference between choosing to be alone and alone because no one wants to be with you.
 
Dakota_Roberts said:
There is a large difference between choosing to be single and being in a situation where you can’t be with someone. It’s like the difference between choosing to be alone and alone because no one wants to be with you.
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I agree, in theory, but you don’t know my reasons for being single, do you?

I believe my advice to the OP still holds. Reveal the information if it’s good for you and the relationship.
 
Just wanted to thank you for being an inspiring and courageous person. I thank God for people like you who are such a witness to his miraculous powers. I want to ask you please to pray for my brother who has SSA and has left the Church.

As for the situation with your friend–you have no obligation to tell him, but I would if I were you. I wouldn’t want a secret like that between me and my best friend. If he really loves you for who you are, then it will be better to tell him. As you go through this lifelong struggle, don’t you want to have some true friends in your corner? Give him a chance to be that friend. Good luck and prayers for you.
 
Thanks again for all of the advice and (name removed by moderator)ut. I will pray for your brother Schieffelin- remember not to confuse him for his sin- it’s not an easy road, and it’s very easy to rapidly lose faith and become doubtful, I think even for people who are very spiritual. The difficult part about SSA is that it involves the very base of human emotion, the desire to love and be loved, albeit in a disordered way. Although I’ve never fallen quite as far as that myself, I am certainly not pig headed enough to think I couldn’t, and have no way of knowing the road or temptation that lies ahead. The important thing I think, just like with any sin, is to get up, dust yourself off and start again- and with the help and grace of God he will, but it is very important for him to know that there are people who love him as well. Think prodigal son.

As far as my friend and how he views SSA? Like I said before, he’s very spiritual- and has always made a distinction between judging a person and judging their actions. I have actually heard him defend a friend (former pastor I seem to remember) of his who was helping a person with SSA try to reconnect spiritually and understand what their responsibility in life was. So no, I don’t think he has a particular harsh view on those struggling with SSA over those struggling over any other sexual sin.

My concern though is that it has to be slightly different being best friends with a person struggling with SSA versus helping a person with SSA. I don’t want him to feel that I’m not the person he knows, and change the way I interact with him and the family based on that. It will be important that he understands I am exactly the same person I’ve always been- he just has more information.

I guess I’ve sort of decided what to do, since I have been basically having a conversation in cyberspace that I should be having with him. LOL.

I will pray about it some more and then pick a good time to have a conversation.

God Bless.
 
I will pray for you and congratulate you on your choice. May God bless you and keep you and hold you in a spirit of discernment.
 
Rockon561 said:
I am a twenty seven year male with same sex attraction. As a relatively new convert to the faith, I fully understand, believe and embrace what the church and Christ teaches and expects from someone struggling with homosexual tendencies. I have gone through years of self denial, self hate, extreme frustration and disappointment but have come to accept, that at least for the foreseeable future, and I feel for my entire life, I must learn to accept and embrace a chaste lifestyle. Although I believe my SSA is deeply rooted and ‘set’, I have never engaged in any sinful behavior with another person, and will continue to live in chastity with the help and grace of God.
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I could have written the first paragraph except that I’m 28 years old and a Catholic growing up. Wow, that’s awesome you are a convert to the faith, what a grace from God and I pray that it brings you peace and joy, though that doesn’t make it easier.

Just a thought on your question. A few years ago I had a similar type of friendship with a peer for close to 2 years. Similarly he talked about when I would be married and have kids, and I felt uncomfortable during a lot of those conversations, taking them in stride but not really being able to relate or respond in a normal way. He and his wife even invited girls over to his home so I could meet them, which made me feel even more awkward. Anyway, I was scared but after a couple years I was convinced enough of his friendship to tell him everything, and since that time, his acceptance of me has deepened our friendship, allowed me to talk to him about anything, and affirmed me as someone who can be friends with other males. I would be the first to caution against sharing this with anyone prematurely, which could set you up for disappointment or at worst humiliation - and I would say there is no obligation to do so, you are not being untruthful to be prudent about whom you tell this to. But in the event that you are pretty certain that he will accept you despite your sexual attraction (there will always be some risk involved when we disclose ourselves to others) you may find that sharing it with him affirms you and goes a long way toward helping to satisfy the need for male friendship. If you are not certain of that yet, then simply be grateful to God for the friend that He has given you for now - and if your friendship continues to deepen, think about sharing with him in the future.
 
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