Advice on an unexpected pregnancy

[Gullveig]

This is more ranty than anything, to be honest, as I’m hesitant to discuss it with my immediate family and friends, but I feel like it would help to let it out a little and I’ve found that you guys tend to give decent advice in the past.

So, long story short, I found out recently I was pregnant, about 7 weeks along at the moment. It’s not an ideal situation, as my boyfriend and I are not married, but things happen and it’s not the end of the world. We’re both adults and have jobs and things, so it could definitely be a worse situation. He’s been very supportive, which is good. His take on things is that he would like to go ahead and get married and have the baby, as he was hoping to propose to me next year anyway. We’ve known each other for several years and have been dating for a year come January, but only what I would consider seriously in the last few months, so the timing in that respect could be better. I’m not entirely sure what I want to do concerning the pregnancy at the moment, though I have some ideas, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to rush a marriage simply because of a pregnancy.

The biggest thing that’s stressing me out right now, though, are his parents, honestly. I would have preferred to work it out between the two of us and let everyone else in on it later as necessary. I’m not worried about my parents, but my boyfriend’s parents are very conservative and Catholic (my boyfriend and I are the same religion, he converted as a teenager a long time before he met me) and they’re most of the reason why I wanted to keep it to ourselves. My boyfriend talked to his brother about it, though, as they are very close and the brother apparently let it slip by accident this weekend to the parents because he thought they already knew, and they are not taking it well. I met them a few months ago while they were down visiting, and I know they disapprove of the relationship. I’m ten years younger than my boyfriend, I’m not Christian, and opposite from them on a lot of issues. I understand that they’re disappointed and worried, but from a conversation he was telling me about this afternoon, they’re putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on my boyfriend to marry me and try to keep me from having an abortion, although no one has even mentioned it besides them, and insisting that we come up over Thanksgiving to talk about all of this. I really don’t feel like sitting through a blame and brow-beating session with people I barely know and I’d just rather not deal with them right now since they’re just going to make the situation more stressful.

I guess the things I need advice on are:

1. What to do about his parents. He’s already said that he’ll deal with them, but I can tell it’s upsetting for him. The only reason they’re not calling me, too, I’m pretty sure, is because they don’t have my number. If we do decide to have/keep the baby and/or get married, they’re going to be family, so we’re all going to have to learn to deal with each other, and so I don’t want to offend them too much, but I also don’t want to let them get in the habit of overstepping boundaries.
2. For a normal pregnancy, how much physical work is a person typically able to do without hurting anything? I will be graduating from my doctorate program in a few weeks, so school isn’t a factor any more, but I’m supposed to be running a field school for the university next semester, which will require light physical work. It should be over with well before I would be due, but would probably go into the third trimester a bit. I’m in good shape physically, but I’m not sure how that all changes during pregnancy.
3. If you have kids, how do you feel your relationship changed from before and after having your first kid? I’m reasonably sure that I would like to marry my boyfriend at some point and that we could handle marriage, but a new marriage + a baby sounds like a lot to deal with all at once realistically

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

1. I am not sure what to do. But I have some thoughts. I think you need to look at things from their side for awhile. They now have a grandchild. You are carrying their grandchild. This is the truth, not a sentimental line. You have life within you and that life carries some of their DNA. I don’t see any reason for them to browbeat you. You might look at them as people you barely know, but you are connected.

In regards to the idea of abortion, if the phrase, “what to do about the baby,” or “if we decide to keep/have the baby,” was mentioned to the brother it may have been passed on to his parents and it definitely sounds as if you are considering abortion as one of your choices. So the parents might be afraid you will decide to abort their grandchild just based on your indecision. And I would think their main feeling is fear not one of bossing or manipulation. I guess if you keep that in mind, you can approach your meeting with kindness which should help.

1. Each person is different and, of course, you would discuss this with your doctor. I have worked with people who worked up until close to their due date, even when I worked in retail.
2. I don’t have kids, but I am close to my nieces and nephews who have them. It doesn’t seem to have changed them too much. One of the couples actually seem more likeable and less self centered (not as much “it’s all about us”). Don’t worry about it.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Generally speaking, your boyfriend should be the one to deal with his parents. If they have the idea that you are considering abortion and you are not, he should calm their understandable fears immediately. (I hope that you are not even slightly considering such violence. It would be the worst possible end for everyone concerned.) It sounds as though you and the parents are very different but that does not mean that you cannot be friends. It just takes mutual respect. Perhaps your boyfriend has unresolved issues with his parents. This might be a good opportunity for him to work on those issues as he and they are getting older.

Many women today work nearly up to their due dates. Congratulations on your doctorate.

Getting married is not always the best outcome to a pregnancy but if you were going to marry anyway, why not? Life does not always follow our planned timeline. Having children is often a maturing experience. Makes people think outside themselves and take the long view.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

This is more ranty than anything, to be honest, as I’m hesitant to discuss it with my immediate family and friends, but I feel like it would help to let it out a little and I’ve found that you guys tend to give decent advice in the past.

So, long story short, I found out recently I was pregnant, about 7 weeks along at the moment. It’s not an ideal situation, as my boyfriend and I are not married, but things happen and it’s not the end of the world. We’re both adults and have jobs and things, so it could definitely be a worse situation. He’s been very supportive, which is good. His take on things is that he would like to go ahead and get married and have the baby, as he was hoping to propose to me next year anyway. We’ve known each other for several years and have been dating for a year come January, but only what I would consider seriously in the last few months, so the timing in that respect could be better. I’m not entirely sure what I want to do concerning the pregnancy at the moment, though I have some ideas, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to rush a marriage simply because of a pregnancy.

The biggest thing that’s stressing me out right now, though, are his parents, honestly. I would have preferred to work it out between the two of us and let everyone else in on it later as necessary. I’m not worried about my parents, but my boyfriend’s parents are very conservative and Catholic (my boyfriend and I are the same religion, he converted as a teenager a long time before he met me) and they’re most of the reason why I wanted to keep it to ourselves. My boyfriend talked to his brother about it, though, as they are very close and the brother apparently let it slip by accident this weekend to the parents because he thought they already knew, and they are not taking it well. I met them a few months ago while they were down visiting, and I know they disapprove of the relationship. I’m ten years younger than my boyfriend, I’m not Christian, and opposite from them on a lot of issues. I understand that they’re disappointed and worried, but from a conversation he was telling me about this afternoon, they’re putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on my boyfriend to marry me and try to keep me from having an abortion, although no one has even mentioned it besides them, and insisting that we come up over Thanksgiving to talk about all of this. I really don’t feel like sitting through a blame and brow-beating session with people I barely know and I’d just rather not deal with them right now since they’re just going to make the situation more stressful.

I guess the things I need advice on are:

1. What to do about his parents. He’s already said that he’ll deal with them, but I can tell it’s upsetting for him. The only reason they’re not calling me, too, I’m pretty sure, is because they don’t have my number. If we do decide to have/keep the baby and/or get married, they’re going to be family, so we’re all going to have to learn to deal with each other, and so I don’t want to offend them too much, but I also don’t want to let them get in the habit of overstepping boundaries.
2. For a normal pregnancy, how much physical work is a person typically able to do without hurting anything? I will be graduating from my doctorate program in a few weeks, so school isn’t a factor any more, but I’m supposed to be running a field school for the university next semester, which will require light physical work. It should be over with well before I would be due, but would probably go into the third trimester a bit. I’m in good shape physically, but I’m not sure how that all changes during pregnancy.
3. If you have kids, how do you feel your relationship changed from before and after having your first kid? I’m reasonably sure that I would like to marry my boyfriend at some point and that we could handle marriage, but a new marriage + a baby sounds like a lot to deal with all at once realistically

" Things happen " is a cop out, as you well know. So the problem was not caused by the baby. You must carry on and have the baby. That is the first thing you must be adamant about. Secondly, don’t worry about the parents. Their attitude is their problem. You do not have to marry your " boyfriend. " To enter marriage with uncertain conviction would be bad and doesn’t promise success for the marriage. Finally, if you are normal physically and the pregnancy offers not unusual conditions, you can work almost up to the day of birth, many women do. Though in the last couple of months, you may have to avoid heavy lifting. Your doctor can advise you.

The world has lots of single Moms. However, lots of women cannot have children and would love to adopt a child. So that is a perfectly moral option. But what you must not do is punish the baby. Now that it is coming, you should permit it the same rights you had and enjoy today.

Linus2nd

 

[LROH]

No real sage words for facing his parents.I think I’d be a polite guest and respect their viewpoints. They see you as the mother of their grandchild, they don’t know you as a person, only what their other son has said…who knows how he presented it…just be honest about where you stand now. If you are confused…say so. It’s also okay to let them know that you respect their beliefs and are seeking spiritual guidance. With that said…I am praying you will choose life.

I’m not sure about rushing into a marriage because you are pregnant. Married or not the child has two parents…marriage isn’t a guarantee for two supportive parents. Sometimes two parents can be more supportive of a child by taking their time to know themselves and their roles as parents before adding the role of spouse to the package too.

It’s a discernment process that you are already working on. I encourage you to meet with your spiritual advisor for individual guidance.

As for physical workload…I worked all day at the bank, as coin teller lifting huge sacks of coins and bags of dollar bills for shipment in/out all day long, then went to wait tables for cash job , cleaned apartment, laundry and even found time to socialize. Granted most of the household chores and socialization were shared with hubby but still it all got done and we managed to make time to house hunt and do all the normal getting ready for baby stuff. On a trip I vividly recall pausing for a moment realizing it was the day the baby book said “eye brows” it freaked me out…looking down I thought doesn’t makes sense shouldn’t the lungs be baking right now?

Congratulations on your PhD, may you find peace with your choices.

 

[RoseMary131]

So, long story short, I found out recently I was pregnant, about 7 weeks

I don’t think it’s a good idea to rush a marriage simply because of a pregnancy.

Congratulations, dear Gullveig, on this beautiful little child so sweetly resting in your womb.

While you might still be a little in the beginning stage of accepting such a big change in your life, my first thoughts are to express to you the beauty you have within you.

May you find Peace first with your new little one, as you begin to make plans for what has come expectantly.

Take time now to focus on this beauty.

Most parents begin this early phase of parenthood with many questions and wonderings on life in the future, even with each new baby.

The biggest thing that’s stressing me out right now, though, are his parents,

Focus on yourself and this precious baby. Don’t let others cause you stress.

Accept that they, too, most likely were not expecting to hear they have a new grandchild. That’s okay. They will pass over their “unexpected” news and hopefully find Peace, as well. (If not, that is their issue. You are not responsible for finding their Peace.)

Some people take longer to realize they are in love with their little grandchild. They most likely are in love with the baby, and dealing with the “unexpectedness” of her arrival. You and your boy friend want to allow them to walk through their acceptance of the unexpectedness - its normally not the child people really are “stressing about”, but the unexpected, the “we aren’t in control” of how life turns concept of an unexpected baby.

I met them a few months ago …I know they disapprove of the relationship. I’m ten years younger…, I’m not Christian, and opposite…they’re putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on my boyfriend to marry me and try to keep me from having an abortion, …insisting that we come up over Thanksgiving

Its okay if you think they don’t approve of you. Many people can be the same faith, the same age… and parents can still disapprove. Don’t let their thoughts affect you and your boyfriend. Many parents can’t find the “perfect” spouse for their dear adult child.

No one should ever pressure anyone into marriage. In fact, the Catholic Church does not encourage couples to marry because of a baby.

Marriage is a calling from God, not something to fulfill because a baby has arrived.

One comes “willingly” with no outside “pressures”… no pressures from parents, no pressures from one of the couple upon the other, no “other need” to think about fulfilling - like a new baby or finances, etc. Marriage is about each other, not to meet a need.

His parents may be in great fear that their grandchild might be aborted. So many babies lose their lives and this affects not just the precious child, but can hurt the mother, father, grandparents for a life time. Abortion often seems like a “quick fix” to what “seemed to appear as a quick problem”, but it hurts for a life time.

Abortion causes a change within the baby’s mom and dad. They often don’t even see how it affects them, but it does affect them. Many parents will have difficulties in bonding with their future children - they may not even notice this - but it is often there. A nagging in the back of their mind that they are not a good parent because even though they push the memories of their child they aborted to the back corners of their mind - like in a little box on a dark shelf - it is still within them.

His parents may have friends who aborted their child and they don’t want to experience with their grandchild what their friend experienced. They may be in great fear about losing this little one. They also may not even recognize why they are so distressed.

It can also be a mixture of their surprised and your boyfriend’s own concerns that mix together making it more stressful.

Take time to relax and focus on yourself and this precious little one.

 

[RoseMary131]

I guess the things I need advice on are:

1. What to do about his parents. I also don’t want to let them get in the habit of overstepping boundaries.

If you decide to go to their home for Thanksgiving, make a plan with your boyfriend… “We go there, but if it is not peaceful, we can leave without any issues.”

Have him to set that plan in place with his family, as well. This establishes your boundaries with your boyfriend and boundaries with you two and his parents.

Try to set aside any worries and walk into their home with Peace.

If you go into their home “with defenses up”, it makes it harder for you to accept any peace they may be offering. If they have “defenses up”, your peace helps to let them be at peace.

1. For a normal pregnancy, how much physical work is a person typically able to do without hurting anything? …but I’m not sure how that all changes during pregnancy.

Every pregnancy is different, even for the same mother. Life always has unexpected parts for everyone. We adjust each day to many different situations that we had not planned. This baby may change your plans, but you will adjust. You will be able to adopt any of your plans to include your pregnancy.

1. If you have kids, how do you feel your relationship changed from before and after having your first kid? I’m reasonably sure that I would like to marry my boyfriend at some point and that we could handle marriage, but a new marriage + a baby sounds like a lot to deal with all at once realistically

You do not need to begin making plans for marriage. Marriage is decided upon based on the couple wanting to be married to each other. Marriage is not decided upon based on any other reason.

We’ve been married over 30 years. Each part of our life changes and changes us. Marriage, moves, new adventures, new enjoyments, each new child, each new development with that child - all of that builds differences each day.

With each new child, I feel our family becomes a “new family”. What was life like with just the two of us? How did our life change with each new change we undertook? How did life change with the arrival of each new baby? Our 5 children range in age from 26 to 5, plus two grandchildren. We are much different today than when we were college sweet hearts - no one stays the same with or without children, with or without marriage.

Life is beautiful. God bless the three of you.

 

[MJJean]

1. How to handle his parents… Kindly. They haven’t done anything to deserve less than honesty and courtesy. They love their adult child and they are probably very worried about the fate of their grandchild. You are a woman they don’t know well who has absolute control regarding what happens to their baby’s baby. They don’t know if you’ll let the baby live. They don’t know if you’ll allow their son or them to be part of the baby’s life if you do decide to have it. It’s not an easy position to be in.

My husbands parents were retired and living out of state when we were dating and I became pregnant. They were conservative Catholics while I was a pagan back then. Also, my DH had recently ended a long term relationship with a girl he’d grown up with and that his parents were fond of AND I was from “the wrong side of the tracks”. Needless to say, I was very nervous about spending time with them when they decided to come visit and meet me.

Everything worked out. It was awkward at first, but we warmed up to each other and got to know each other over the course of a few days.

2)How much physical work can you do? That really depends on how the pregnancy progresses. Every woman is different and every pregnancy is different.

I worked up until a few days before I had my first baby and it was not a problem for me at all.

With my second baby there were complications and I was supposed to be on bed rest at 6 months gestation. Because I had my oldest, who was 5 at the time, and no one to help (long story, my ex was a jerk) I ended up just being restricted to resting as much as I could and only doing housework as needed.

My third baby was a dream pregnancy and I was very physically active with him right up until my water broke and contractions started.

1. How did my relationship to my baby’s fathers change?

Well, my first marriage was solely because I got pregnant and felt it was the right thing to do. It wasn’t. I got along well enough with my ex before I became pregnant, but afterward I wanted him to grow up, get a job and keep it, be responsible, etc. Never happened. I began to strongly dislike him because he simply wasn’t anywhere near dependable nor was he anywhere near mature enough to rise to the occasion of spouse and father.

After we split up, I met my husband and became pregnant with my youngest. He was wonderful! I loved the man dearly and we planned to marry before we found out about the baby. That love deepened when he did rise to the occasion. He’s a great husband and father and I don’t regret for a single second raising my oldest two kids with him, having a baby with him, and marrying him. We’ve been together nearly 14 years and married nearly 11 years.

The biggest changes to our relationship were positive. The pregnancy and birth made us closer. When the baby was awake we focused on our child. When the baby was asleep we focused on each other. After the baby was born we were busier and a lot more tired, but we had a sense of humor about it.

The best advice I can give you is don’t marry your BF unless you would have married him anyway. But if you would have married him anyway, why delay? I don’t think it’s a good idea to marry someone just because there is a baby on the way, but if there is a baby on the way and you’d have married anyways, nothing wrong with moving up the date!

 

[St_Francis]

Not all women are able to work during their pregnancies–I was a wreck during my pregnancies but recovered within hours of giving birth! But so far, you seem to be doing fine and most women are fine through their pregnancies

Being pressured to marry in any way is actually grounds for annulment, so while I can see why your bf’s parents are thinking along these lines, they actually shouldn’t be, as Catholics.

My personal suggestion is that you and your b/f stay by yourselves for TG and decide what you will do–you can always change your minds later if necessary. I got the impression that you are *not *considering abortion, but maybe adoption?

If you and your b/f do decide to stay together, however you decide that, and you two have a plan as a couple that you’re both very much in favor of, then spend some time at Christmas-time with his parents, and some time with your parents so everyone can get to know each other and find out what’s happening. I would not go under pressure when you have exams coming up to his parents’ house when you two haven’t decided what you want to do

If you follow this advice, he should call his parents and explain the plan, and you should call separately to thank them for the invitation Have some water on the stove or something so you can rush off just in case the conversation starts going in a bad direction: Oops! Ihave something on the stove, thanks again, must run now, goodbye!

I do hope that whatever you decide will be best for your little baby as well as you two.

 

[Aggies08]

As for 2, it depends on your current health and Dr. reccomendations- I contunued to work until my due date with all 3, (two born ON their due date!), which included lifting 30-40 lbs 20-30 times a day. I’d been doing it before and all along pregnancy, so it never bothered me. I had no complications for risk requiring me to “take it easy.”

Generally, while pregnant you continue what your body is used to doing, you just don’t add additional stressors to it.

#3- Our parents had very similar styles in regards to child rearing, and so we’ve not really had any major issues come up. It didn’t really stress the relationship. Although, my husband is good at telling when I’m upset/angry due to being tired/crazy hormones and lets it roll off his back (the first 2-3 weeks post partum are a doozy for me!). I would say the biggest thing that comes up is in discussions of if I work/don’t work/how much to work/etc. I ended up staying home the first 6mo with each, then working part time (7.30-2.30). With the third, I stay home now! I have had many clients who had children while working on their phD or post-doc , or need two incomes, and always had full time childcare. It’s something entirely up to you- recognize that there is not a right/wrong.

We didn’t have any big issues in adjusting to marriage. We are good at discussing problems that come up together. We are also very good with our boundries regarding family/friends/how much we share. I know my DH doesn’t care how much his parents know if he’s sick (graphic…), and I don’t want ANYONE, including my family, to know any more than “She’s not feeling well, probably a virus,” type of stuff. All of that is discussions between the two of you, and recognizing it after the fact INSTEAD of getting mad about it. You have to be able to step back and say, “I know I’d never mentioned it before, but I prefer that…xyz.”

Our first was a honeymoon baby, so there wasn’t any of that “get to know married life” stuff for a year or two- we had 9mo! Which, I think, is plenty of time considering you should already know the person you marry quite well

If you want stats, we are both 27, college graduates, and have 3 kids now! We live far from any family.

 

[Xantippe]

Gullveig said:

This is more ranty than anything, to be honest, as I’m hesitant to discuss it with my immediate family and friends, but I feel like it would help to let it out a little and I’ve found that you guys tend to give decent advice in the past.

“We’re both adults and have jobs and things, so it could definitely be a worse situation. He’s been very supportive, which is good. His take on things is that he would like to go ahead and get married and have the baby, as he was hoping to propose to me next year anyway. We’ve known each other for several years and have been dating for a year come January, but only what I would consider seriously in the last few months, so the timing in that respect could be better. I’m not entirely sure what I want to do concerning the pregnancy at the moment, though I have some ideas, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to rush a marriage simply because of a pregnancy.”

That’s all very good. It sounds like the only problem here is timing.

“My boyfriend talked to his brother about it, though, as they are very close and the brother apparently let it slip by accident this weekend to the parents because he thought they already knew, and they are not taking it well.”

Oops. Has your boyfriend learned his lesson about being more careful about discussing sensitive topics with his brother? This is early days still, and another 5 or 6 weeks would have bought you some time and gotten you past Thanksgiving.

“I met them a few months ago while they were down visiting, and I know they disapprove of the relationship. I’m ten years younger than my boyfriend, I’m not Christian, and opposite from them on a lot of issues. I understand that they’re disappointed and worried, but from a conversation he was telling me about this afternoon, they’re putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on my boyfriend to marry me and try to keep me from having an abortion, although no one has even mentioned it besides them, and insisting that we come up over Thanksgiving to talk about all of this. I really don’t feel like sitting through a blame and brow-beating session with people I barely know and I’d just rather not deal with them right now since they’re just going to make the situation more stressful.”

That’s understandable. Could you maybe not do this Thanksgiving Day proper, just in case this doesn’t go well? Or at least have a plan to leave promptly? Have a prearranged agreement with your boyfriend and leave (but in a friendly way) at the first sign of trouble. You can always say, we can talk about this later.

“1) What to do about his parents. He’s already said that he’ll deal with them, but I can tell it’s upsetting for him.”

If you do get married, having your future husband deal with his parents is In-Laws 101 (aside from unusual situations). People forgive their blood relatives much faster than ILs. Some reading on being a good IL would be a good idea.

He should explain to your parents that if they pressure you, they are setting you up for an invalid marriage. You can meet (the four of you) with a priest they respect, and he will explain this to them. It’s actually kind of hard to get married in the Church while pregnant in the US. I don’t know that it’s impossible, but shotgun weddings are very much frowned on in the US Church today.

“2) For a normal pregnancy, how much physical work is a person typically able to do without hurting anything? I will be graduating from my doctorate program in a few weeks, so school isn’t a factor any more, but I’m supposed to be running a field school for the university next semester, which will require light physical work. It should be over with well before I would be due, but would probably go into the third trimester a bit. I’m in good shape physically, but I’m not sure how that all changes during pregnancy.”

As people have said, it varies a lot. My MIL worked pretty much up until she had my SIL, while I have always been pretty mentally disabled by pregnancy (the brain just gets really fuzzy for some people). Your doctor will advise you about physical issues. What you have to be prepared for is that things may change rapidly. I’m rather older than you, I suspect, but with my last pregnancy, I suddenly started having bleeding at 15 weeks (I initially thought it was a miscarriage) and had to do two weeks of bedrest, followed by a very cautious 2nd trimester.

Expect the unexpected. But it may also be very uneventful. The 2nd trimester can be really great–you look pregnant (but not too pregnant), and you feel great, and everybody is suddenly really nice to you.

“3) If you have kids, how do you feel your relationship changed from before and after having your first kid? I’m reasonably sure that I would like to marry my boyfriend at some point and that we could handle marriage, but a new marriage + a baby sounds like a lot to deal with all at once realistically.”

It is a lot to deal with, so don’t take on any unnecessary stuff beyond that. If you do get married, you don’t suddenly need a bigger house (unless you’re in a studio apartment) or to buy a new house or a bigger house. Keep as much as you can constant.

I have three kids with my husband, and there is definitely a transition between being boyfriend-girlfriend (which is kind of what you are even when married with no kids) to being combat buddies. With just one kid, it’s not that big a deal (although it will feel like it), but the real test of the relationship is when you have two kids.

Best wishes!

 

[Back2Church]

1. What to do about his parents. He’s already said that he’ll deal with them, but I can tell it’s upsetting for him. The only reason they’re not calling me, too, I’m pretty sure, is because they don’t have my number. If we do decide to have/keep the baby and/or get married, they’re going to be family, so we’re all going to have to learn to deal with each other, and so I don’t want to offend them too much, but I also don’t want to let them get in the habit of overstepping boundaries.

Dealing with the parents of a spouse/partner is tricky, even under the best of circumstances. That’s just the nature of things. A lot of it you’ll just have to grin and bear.

If they start in on trying to put the blame on you as if you were some horrible criminal, though, definitely stand your ground. Not in a hostile or confrontational way, though. Admit that you made a poor choice and should have been more careful. That will show that, while you might not be on the same page with them, at least you’re in the same book. And when you admit this, make sure to say “we”, not “I”, to gently remind them that your boyfriend, eir son, is equally a part of this.

Don’t fall in to arguing against their hostile, accusatory comments right off the bat, either. Remember that their emotions are stemming from both their faith and their feelings for their son. This means they are passionate about the situation. Most people don’t know how to handle passion in contexts such as these, so it almost always comes out as anger. Let them blow their initial gust of whatever and simply let it roll off your back. If they continue, then you can step in and let them know that you wish to work with them to come to an agreement or understanding, but you’re not going to accept being put on the chopping block.

One last thing, if they do continue to treat the situation like it’s a horrible tragedy or crime, try to redirect their focus by gently telling them what’s done is done and it can’t be changed, so let’s shift our focus now to the baby. If you are arguing for an abortion, then this obviously won’t help, but if you are keeping the baby (and I pray you do), then this move could really calm the waters.

1. For a normal pregnancy, how much physical work is a person typically able to do without hurting anything? I will be graduating from my doctorate program in a few weeks, so school isn’t a factor any more, but I’m supposed to be running a field school for the university next semester, which will require light physical work. It should be over with well before I would be due, but would probably go into the third trimester a bit. I’m in good shape physically, but I’m not sure how that all changes during pregnancy.

It depends on the mother and the work, of course, but most mothes I know have worked full time jobs right up until a couple of weeks before the due date. My wife is a restaurant manager and that’s what she did with both of our kids. She’s a pretty hands-on worker, too, not just a “boss”, so she definitely works. If you don’t have to work all the way up to the due date like that, then definitely take the advantage and relax, but if you have to work, it’s more possible than you might think.

1. If you have kids, how do you feel your relationship changed from before and after having your first kid? I’m reasonably sure that I would like to marry my boyfriend at some point and that we could handle marriage, but a new marriage + a baby sounds like a lot to deal with all at once realistically

When I was engaged, a friend gave me the advice of having kids right at the beginning of the marriage. He said most people want to wait to enjoy the marriage for a while, but said don’t do this, start with kids right away. His reasons were that children are the common ground that a couple can unite around. They are the glue of the marriage. He said he waited to have kids, and by the time he was ready, she was filing for divorce. Relationships change in a marriage after so many years, and many, if not most, childless couples see this change as a sign that the marriage has failed, but it’s not. Having kids adds another layer of bonding and affection in a marriage, which fits into this change in relationship perfectly. While it’s true that kids don’t keep all marriages together, you are statistically more likely to be married for life if you have kids than if you don’t.

Plus, kids are simply amazing. The first few months can be quite tough, but the reward is so worth it. If your husband was wanting to marry you and have kids already, then you two are in the position to participate in one of the most powerfully magical events of your lives. Having a child and watching him or her grow through the years is not only a gift itself, but also bears the gift of wisdom (as long as you pay attention!). There really is no better thing a couple can do in this life than to bring life into the world.

By the way, if you have that baby, years from now you will be watching your child grow and you will eventually come to understand your boyfriend’s parents, not just from a logical sense, but from an experiential emotional sense. While it might not make you like them (who really like’s their in-laws? lol), this understanding will give you an appreciation of them, in regards to their reactions today.

Anyways, I’ve rambled on enough. I wish you good luck in your dealings with parents and family, both yours and his, and I hope you choose to continue on with your motherhood!

 

[Xantippe]

St. Francis said:

“Not all women are able to work during their pregnancies–I was a wreck during my pregnancies but recovered within hours of giving birth! But so far, you seem to be doing fine and most women are fine through their pregnancies.”

Yes. I found that in just a few days after having my babies, I felt GREAT. In fact, I have learned that I need to hold myself back, so as not to do overdo it when coming home from the hospital. (The first night at home with the baby is generally challenging, so it’s important to have something left to deal with that night.)

Aggies08 said:

“As for 2, it depends on your current health and Dr. reccomendations- I contunued to work until my due date with all 3, (two born ON their due date!), which included lifting 30-40 lbs 20-30 times a day. I’d been doing it before and all along pregnancy, so it never bothered me. I had no complications for risk requiring me to “take it easy.””

With my last pregnancy, my initial instructions were that if I had been doing something before pregnancy, it was fine to continue during pregnancy. They really don’t want you trying something new while pregnant.

Oh, and while I’m thinking of it, joints and ligaments (not sure which) tend to soften up during pregnancy, so a little caution is in order. Pregnant ladies can be very accident prone.

I suggest reading the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy–it’s not super medical, but it handles some of the practical and emotional issues very well.

 

[Kelfa28]

Let me first start by saying congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you have a very happy and healthy 9 months. I will also say a few prayers for you, your boyfriend and your baby.

I was in a similar situation 2 years ago. The two biggest differences were my boyfriend and I had been together for at least 3 years at that point…when the test came out positive. Also, both his and my parents were quite accepting and happy we were having a baby.
Here are answers to your questions

1. How to deal with his parents

I know my husband’s mother was a bit more pressing about us getting married much, much sooner then we had actually planned (as in weeks after we announced our pregnancy, she wanted us to hop down to the court house to make it “official”). We got married about 10 months later when our daughter was a little over a month and we had a beautiful Church wedding.

You should probably make it crystal clear that you do not feel comfortable sitting down with his parents and listening to them spout opinions at someone they barely know…you are still coming to terms, emotionally, with this situation and volunteering for a “brow-beating” session is not something you planned on doing this Thanksgiving.

You and your boyfriend need to make a plan, in regards to marriage, and stick with it and forget about any outside influence or opinions. The Church agrees it’s not wise to jump into marriage just because you are having a baby.

Boundaries are very important. Establish them and keep them. Do not let them push you around. I love my in laws…but I’ve had to make crystal clear sets boundaries in regards to their behavior more then a few times.
I’ve found that if a demand or request is being made that is unreasonable…a simple no will suffice. Be consistent and stick with to your guns.

2. Pregnancy

As for pregnancy. It totally depends on your pregnancy. I used to work as a paramedic and I know women who took on that demanding job all the way up until they delivered.

My sister worked long hours as a district manager for several retail stores all throughout her pregnancy.
My best girlfriend worked full time and went to school throughout her pregnancy, without issue.
I worked part time as a medic, had my military obligations and was in school part time through my pregnancy. I had a healthy and natural delivery. My blood pressure was fantastic through the entire 9 months.
Not all women are blessed with this…some aren’t blessed with this for every pregnancy either.

Go to your appointments and listen to your doctor. I’m in a position, with my second pregnancy, to take it easy this time around…but with my first, I was busy right up until the end.

3. Marriage

Finally, I was married with a brand new baby right off the bat. It’s true I didn’t have much of a “honeymoon” period at all when we got married. We were married and were parents at the same exact time…but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It wasn’t that tough for us to transition into married life and being parents.
However, we knew we were going to get married and wanted a sacramental wedding right off the bat.
For some couples it could be a difficult transition. Having a baby shouldn’t be the only reason why you would enter a marriage…and the Church recognizes this.

I would love to say that it was the children that cemented our relationship and strengthened it but it was our conversion to Catholicism that did. We went through RCIA together before we got married and before we had our daughter.
That brought us much closer together.

Our kids are the world to us. They are our children…we made them. They have brought us very close as a couple…but our relationship with God brought us closer.

Not everyone needs or will be blessed with a perfect timeline of events when it comes to life. You take what is delivered and handle it accordingly.
But know that this child is blessed…regardless of he/she’s path into this world. My daughter was born before I was married.
She is in our wedding pictures and I know we will have to do a little bit of explaining why that is… but she isn’t any different or loved any less then her little sister, who was born within the context of marriage.

Cherish this time…having a baby is terrifying and overwhelming…but also the single most beautiful, special and important moments of your life. Savor these moments. God bless.

 

[Xantippe]

On second thought, I would try not to go into this expecting the worst. It’s quite possible (indeed, very likely) that the boyfriend’s parents would like to make some sort of concrete offer of help. They may have in mind some sort of material assistance (for instance, childcare) or they might want to actually raise your baby (perhaps even adopt your baby). It would be prudent for you and your boyfriend to discuss the possibilities well in advance.

Don’t feel that you have to make any sort of answer right there. In fact, don’t commit yourself to anything. Your boyfriend needs to be ready to say, “That’s very kind of you. Gullveig and I will have to discuss that,” and then be prepared to make a polite exit if they want to continue the discussion any further than you are prepared to take it. This will require a lot of coordination and planning between you and your boyfriend, which is not bad experience for parenthood. Obviously, some offers of help come with undesirable strings attached, but you will need to discuss that with your boyfriend.

These people are your baby’s grandparents, and even if you aren’t crazy about them, and they aren’t crazy about you, they are part of your natural support network. Also, if your boyfriend is 35 or 40 and childless, they may have given up hope of him ever marrying and giving them grandchildren, so this may be a very big deal for them. They’re probably experiencing a mixture of 1) embarrassment about having to tell their friends “our son and his girlfriend are having a baby” (to them, that sentence probably sounds kind of low class) and 2) very natural excitement that FINALLY their son is going to give them a grandchild. (If there has been a previous marriage or child, especially if that child is not part of their lives, that makes the situation even more complicated.)

Best wishes!

 

[RoseMary131]

But know that this child is blessed…regardless of he/she’s path into this world. My daughter was born before I was married.

She is in our wedding pictures and I know we will have to do a little bit of explaining why that is… but she isn’t any different or loved any less then her little sister, who was born within the context of marriage.

Cherish this time…

This is beautiful, Kelfa.

Sometimes we have a strange culture that sometimes does not accept babies at their parent’s wedding… as if children conceived when the parent’s aren’t married is something new, or someone to be looked down upon.

My grandma, who would be over 100 if she was alive today and was a “country midwife” , would laugh and say, “All babies take 9 months, except newlywed babies - those are 8 months.” She meant that people would rush to get married so “no one knew”, yet “every one knew” and no one should care when the child was conceived.

All children are precious.

 

[Kelfa28]

This is beautiful, Kelfa.

Sometimes we have a strange culture that sometimes does not accept babies at their parent’s wedding… as if children conceived when the parent’s aren’t married is something new, or someone to be looked down upon.

My grandma, who would be over 100 if she was alive today and was a “country midwife” , would laugh and say, “All babies take 9 months, except newlywed babies - those are 8 months.” She meant that people would rush to get married so “no one knew”, yet “every one knew” and no one should care when the child was conceived.

All children are precious.

Aww thanks!

Little known secret in my family…I’m one of those “newlywed babies” that took 8 months.

It’s not talked about much…but one only needs to do a little bit of calendar math to figure out that my parent’s anniversary and my birthday aren’t 9 months apart.

Also…a whole bunch of people were wondering if we were going to leave my daughter home with a sitter.
Uh…hello? She is barely 6 weeks old…she needs to be with mommy. Besides, every single sitter we’d be comfortable with was going to our wedding.

Questions were immediately quieted when I sent a text picture of the beautiful dress my sister bought for her niece. She looked like an absolute doll at our wedding.

 

[Gullveig]

Thanks for the advice, folks. I do appreciate it.

I didn’t know that pregnancies were so varied. Hmm. I went and talked to my advisor today and he said that he hasn’t seen it done a lot personally, but he’s known female archaeologists who were able to work in the field up until the last month or so, and the project site for the spring should be relatively low impact with no heavy machinery or anything involved, so its possible. And fieldwork would only last through the middle of April, so that might turn out okay barring complications.

I haven’t really ruled out anything at this point, though abortion is definitely not anywhere near the top of the list. That’s the only thing we can honestly tell his parents right now and I’m betting that that doesn’t make them feel better. I understand their position, but I don’t really feel the need to get dragged into an unproductive argument on the subject. I’m inclined to keep the baby if at all possible, he definitely wants to, and we’re discussing scenarios on how to make that work. Adoption would be problematic for religious reasons for both of us, so that is to be avoided as well.

His parents did say that they wouldn’t tell anyone else about it yet so it wouldn’t be the elephant in the room if we did come up for Thanksgiving and that they wouldn’t be too pushy, but I don’t really believe that part considering their reaction so far. Typically, he goes up there for Thanksgiving anyway, though, since Christmas is a touchy subject due to the religious difference between him and his parents, so I don’t want him to miss out on seeing his family during the holidays. So, I was talking to him this evening about going up a day or two in advance maybe, staying in a hotel, and seeing how things go. If it turned into drama, we could go home or he could stay and I could go home or whatever. I’ve only met them in person for a couple of hours once and I haven’t met any of the rest of his family, so I suppose it would be helpful to see if they do behave themselves and what they’re like when they’re at home. It still feels like voluntarily stepping into the arena, though.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

Please explain the reason why adoption is a problem for you for religious reasons, yet abortion is a consideration (although far down the list). That doesn’t make sense for any religion.

 

[LROH]

It’s good his parents have agreed to keep this to themselves for the holiday meal…whew
Now has his brother agreed to keep his yap shut? (And hopefully hasn’t made grand announcements to other guests that will be at this dinner)

The local hotel is a great idea…it keeps things open for a great event. Letting you support his relationship with his family and letting them get to know you better in their element. Now just hope the turkey isn’t dry. It’s also a potential respite for you if they want to have family time with him to share their feelings and thoughts about the situation giving everyone privacy and time to sort out their stuff…he can get some alone time to process before meeting back up with you…then he can let you know…where they are, where he is…if its safe to go outside

After reading all the great (name removed by moderator)ut…And added info…it seems like your main concerns are trying to juggle too many dreams at one time, trying to grab them all up and cram them onto this calendar page…you and BF are very blessed indeed.

Don’t worry so much about what everyone else thinks…you already have a ton on your plate…worry about what you and your BF think, want and can do to make the dreams happen. The order is all messed up…doesn’t change reality that they have been bestowed upon you.

As for heavy machinery on the site…as long as you stay healthy and maintain your physical condition, OB doc will have final say, generally they say…momma keep on doing whats been working for you…if it isn’t broke we aren’t going to fix it. It’s really common sense, if it causes strain stop, rest and don’t do that MUCH again. moms do all sorts of heavy lifting every day. Go to the mall, look at the pregnant ladies holiday shopping…stop near the kiddie areas to see the ones pregnant, juggling a stroller, packages, 40lb toddler and a purse…that will be your best measure of what can be done on a site…to feel confident when discussing it with your advisor… .just gonna take a bit longer climbing up to the cab If you’re the driver…now quickly dodging moving parts might be an issue moving along biggest problem is going to be balancing and maneuvering once your center of gravity is affected…like moving up and down steps and graded elevations.

Ps. Haven’t seen anyone mention the dietary changes that happen in pregnancy…hoping to explain pickles and ice cream
Because …it looks different…smells different…texture changes on tongue…and stops the day of delivery…what happened in first pregnancy isn’t the same in second one. But oh what a joy to feed that changing body! For the first I craved tacos and hot sauce but couldn’t look at chicken in any way shape or form.