Advice on an unexpected pregnancy

[7armyrugrats]

Congratuations on your new baby!

I worked until my first four kids were born–literally. When I was pregnant with my oldest I worked on a horse farm. He was over due and I was still going to work. The guys knew the day he was born because I didn’t show up for work. With #2, I was working at the library and stopped working two weeks before he was born. With #3, I was a teacher assistant and cashier. Yes, two jobs. I went into labor at school two weeks overdue. With # 4, I was still a teacher assistant. She was born Thanksgiving but I was working until the break started two days earlier. She, also, was overdue.

The next four kids were much harder pregnancies. I either did not work or stopped earlier on. I’m not sure if my age has anything to do with that, if I’m just generally more tired, or if the pregnancies really were that much harder. Chances are really high you will be just fine, especially since this is not a long term assignment. and it sounds to me that you and your boyfriend will be good parents.

I do not recommend marrying due to pregnancy. I didn’t marry my oldest son’s father and that was an excellent thing. My husband was able to adopt him as his own and he is a much better father. However, your situation is much different and if you were already heading in that direction, I don’t see any reason you can’t hurry it along if you both would like to. That is between the two if you and no one else.

As for his parents, try not to be too hard on them. I’m sure they only want what’s best for their son and grandchild. That being said, do not allow them to treat you poorly. You are the mother of their grandchild so you have some leverage. Use that to your advantage. If they start causing you grief and stress, remind them that it isn’t good for the baby if you are upset and excuse yourself from the situation. Allow your boyfriend to defend you and your child, it is his place to do that.

Good luck. It will all work out and you will be a great mom

 

[underacloud]

His parents did say that they wouldn’t tell anyone else about it yet so it wouldn’t be the elephant in the room if we did come up for Thanksgiving and that they wouldn’t be too pushy, but I don’t really believe that part considering their reaction so far. Typically, he goes up there for Thanksgiving anyway, though, since Christmas is a touchy subject due to the religious difference between him and his parents, so I don’t want him to miss out on seeing his family during the holidays. So, I was talking to him this evening about going up a day or two in advance maybe, staying in a hotel, and seeing how things go. If it turned into drama, we could go home or he could stay and I could go home or whatever. I’ve only met them in person for a couple of hours once and I haven’t met any of the rest of his family, so I suppose it would be helpful to see if they do behave themselves and what they’re like when they’re at home. It still feels like voluntarily stepping into the arena, though.

It actually sounds like his parents are being very reasonable and unlikely to make a scene. If this is a larger family gathering, which I infer that it is, then it’s even less likely that any great drama will come of it.

Perhaps your nerves are more just regular nerves that we all feel when meeting our partner’s family, and in this case compounded by your pregnancy. I’m sure any of us would be equally stressed. But this is something that you must do at some point in time, as we all do. A family celebration may well be a great way to do this - like I said, it is unlikely that they would create any drama in such a context.

As others have pointed out, they now have a grandchild. It’s amazing what becoming a grandparent will do for people, and it’s highly likely that they will want to help. While in-laws can be hard to deal with, they can be a great blessing too, as mine have to me. They say it takes a village to raise a family, and as you become a new parent it is great to know who you can rely on for help.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

1. What to do about his parents. He’s already said that he’ll deal with them, but I can tell it’s upsetting for him. The only reason they’re not calling me, too, I’m pretty sure, is because they don’t have my number. If we do decide to have/keep the baby and/or get married, they’re going to be family, so we’re all going to have to learn to deal with each other, and so I don’t want to offend them too much, but I also don’t want to let them get in the habit of overstepping boundaries.

I don’t have children but I did marry into an extremely conservative and devout Catholic family. Like your husband, mine left the faith years ago (he’s an atheist though) and his parents are also very unhappy.

I completely understand wanting to keep this to yourself until you and your boyfriend figure out together how you’re going to handle it. And although this may not be a popular opinion, I still think that you should attempt to do so. Politely but firmly say something like “This pregnancy has come as a shock to us as well, and I promise that as soon as we know what we’re going to do, you will know”. If they keep trying to press you for information or if they try to influence you one way or another, just politely say “I’m really glad that we are spending Thanksgiving together because it’s about time we all got to know one another, but I am just not comfortable discussing this right now.”

This decision belongs to you and your boyfriend, and only you guys know what is best for the two of you. It is not rude to avoid discussing such a personal matter with near strangers. Boundaries are extremely important, whether you guys ultimately get married or not. Decisions regarding abortion/adoption/raising children and marriage are not open to family discussion or vote. This will be good practice if you do get married, because you will frequently have to say a variation on “Well, my husband and I are going to have to talk about it, and we’ll let you know”. This holds true for every family, but it’s even more important when your beliefs and values are so different from those of your or your husband’s family of origin.

 

[Rau]

…
This decision belongs to you and your boyfriend, and only you guys know what is best for the two of you.

Ultimately, they are indeed the decision-makers, though they make them on behalf of 3 now.

 

[Xantippe]

Rau said:

“Ultimately, they are indeed the decision-makers, though they make them on behalf of 3 now.”

And yet more people are affected–the brother and the in-laws, and even the people who don’t know about the pregnancy–the little cousins who will be missing a playmate, the aunties and uncles who don’t know who will be missing out on a nephew or niece, the kid at school who would have had a best friend in 3rd grade, but now isn’t going to. Think about “It’s a Wonderful Life” (and maybe watch it with your boyfriend). Every person has a job to do (indeed, many jobs to do), and their absence leaves a hole in the world.

Less abstractly, if the OP and her boyfriend decide on abortion but eventually marry, she will always be the DIL who aborted their grandchild and she’ll get to live with that for the rest of the the ILs lives. That’s a lot of awkward Thanksgivings (because everybody’s going to remember what happened around this time).

 

[RoseMary131]

And yet more people are affected–the brother and the in-laws, and even the people who don’t know about the pregnancy–the little cousins who will be missing a playmate, the aunties and uncles who don’t know who will be missing out on a nephew or niece, the kid at school who would have had a best friend in 3rd grade, but now isn’t going to. Think about “It’s a Wonderful Life” (and maybe watch it with your boyfriend). Every person has a job to do (indeed, many jobs to do), and their absence leaves a hole in the world.

if …decide on abortion … going to remember

What you are referring to is the depths abortion affects everyone. That’s part of abortion that is often over looked, but greatly felt long, long afterwards.

The strength of this affect is stronger, the closer the person is involved with the abortion of the child. Yet, it is like a small pebble in the stream with a ripple affect - even going to the changes in society of the missed person.

Changes happen within the parents and grandparents and future children. Sometimes, no one but mom knows of the abortion, but it is felt throughout the lives of others. There are mothers and fathers who still need help through Abortion Healing programs like Project Rachel 30 and 50+ years after they loss their child through abortion.

Other children “feel” something and sometimes when they learn about their parent’s abortion of their sibling, they too seek healing through Post Abortion Healing programs.

Mothers and fathers often take that horrible day they walked through the abortionist’s door and try to tuck it away, but its felt in their memory. The precious child loses her innocent life, but the mother (father, grandparents) lose a huge sense of peace within them which hurts more than they thought it could possible hurt. Post Abortion Syndrome is real and can last a lifetime.

Here is a post of mine on another thread regarding Post Abortion and Healing. Click on it for a listing of sites to read about Post Abortion and Healing.

Below are some links for Post Abortion. You may want to read these.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Rau said:

“Ultimately, they are indeed the decision-makers, though they make them on behalf of 3 now.”

And yet more people are affected–the brother and the in-laws, and even the people who don’t know about the pregnancy–the little cousins who will be missing a playmate, the aunties and uncles who don’t know who will be missing out on a nephew or niece, the kid at school who would have had a best friend in 3rd grade, but now isn’t going to. Think about “It’s a Wonderful Life” (and maybe watch it with your boyfriend). Every person has a job to do (indeed, many jobs to do), and their absence leaves a hole in the world.

Less abstractly, if the OP and her boyfriend decide on abortion but eventually marry, she will always be the DIL who aborted their grandchild and she’ll get to live with that for the rest of the the ILs lives. That’s a lot of awkward Thanksgivings (because everybody’s going to remember what happened around this time).

While they may believe that they will be affected, or think XYZ about the pregnancy or about what the couple should do, the OP is not obligated to hear what perfect strangers have to say about her pregnancy. If she simply is not ready to discuss this with them (which is reasonable, because from the sounds of it she hasn’t even discussed it with her own parents), then the subject should be dropped and they need to discuss other things.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

The parents of her baby’s father are not perfect strangers. They are related to her baby and, therefore to her.

On the other hand, everyone here is a perfect stranger. I feel neither I nor anyone here has more of a right to discuss this than they do, and yet we are doing so. These people deserve at least as much attention and discussion as the OP has requested from us, if not more, and enough respect not to be referred to as “perfect strangers”.

 

[Xantippe]

BlueEyedLady said:

“While they may believe that they will be affected, or think XYZ about the pregnancy or about what the couple should do, the OP is not obligated to hear what perfect strangers have to say about her pregnancy. If she simply is not ready to discuss this with them (which is reasonable, because from the sounds of it she hasn’t even discussed it with her own parents), then the subject should be dropped and they need to discuss other things.”

It’s not a question of belief. They are affected if they are deprived of a grandchild. Likewise, the OP will be affected if she has an abortion and that poisons her relationship with her prospective in-laws for the rest of their lives. Her boyfriend’s relationship with his parents will also be affected. That cat is out of the bag. Nobody can un-know what they know about the situation. As Donne says, no man is an island.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thy friend’s
Or of thine own were:
Any man’s death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.

poemhunter.com/poem/no-man-is-an-island/

That said, the boyfriend’s parents obviously don’t get to dictate to the OP and the boyfriend and the OP and her boyfriend can decide how much family togetherness they are willing to deal with over Thanksgiving. She doesn’t need to talk to anybody she doesn’t want to talk to. It is quite likely, though, that they plan to offer help.

 

[Gullveig]

Please explain the reason why adoption is a problem for you for religious reasons, yet abortion is a consideration (although far down the list). That doesn’t make sense for any religion.

It’s complicated to explain to someone with no background in the religion or culture. The simple answer is that it has to do with the Asatru view on when ensoulment happens exactly and the spiritual nature of blood kinship and the role of ancestors. Non-familial adoption would be almost impossible to arrange under those circumstances and, aside from my parents, there really aren’t any good candidates for familial adoption. If there’s just no way my boyfriend and I can work out any of the possible scenarios of keeping and raising the child between us, my parents would be the next option to consider, but general adoption as it is commonly practiced would not be an option. It probably sounds weird from a Catholic perspective, but that’s because the religions have very different beliefs and priorities where life is concerned. That being said, I don’t want to debate the subject, I’d rather focus on figuring out how to make both abortion and adoption unnecessary concerns.

On the other hand, everyone here is a perfect stranger. I feel neither I nor anyone here has more of a right to discuss this than they do, and yet we are doing so. These people deserve at least as much attention and discussion as the OP has requested from us, if not more, and enough respect not to be referred to as “perfect strangers”.

There’s a difference in my mind between anonymous strangers on the internet and non-objective strangers in real life. You guys are not emotionally involved in the situation, so you have a better chance of giving objective advice that both I and the parents might be overlooking because we have to deal with it through the lens of a whole lot of highly personal and sensitive baggage on both sides. There’s also the benefit to me that you guys are unlikely to show up on my doorstep and yell at me personally if you don’t like something I believe or do, which means I can be more honest about my feelings. So far, his parents have been very demanding, so I’m not inclined to open up to them more than I absolutely have to until they back off. They seemed to have dialed it down a little when he last talked to them, so we’ll see if it carries over to a face to face discussion and go from there.

It is quite likely, though, that they plan to offer help.

They might. But there’s really not much at all they would be able to help with, as it’s time rather than money that is the issue and they’ve already said they don’t approve of the relationship, so that plus their behavior so far makes it difficult for me to feel like talking to them is going to be helpful in anyway. They might surprise me, though, so maybe it won’t be a fiasco.

Also, I guess it’s hormones, but lately I feel unusually testy and irritable, so it seems like exactly the worst moment for his parents to get all up in my face over this. I should probably get the boyfriend to give them fair warning on that.

 

[Xantippe]

Gullveig said:

“There’s a difference in my mind between anonymous strangers on the internet and non-objective strangers in real life. You guys are not emotionally involved in the situation, so you have a better chance of giving objective advice that both I and the parents might be overlooking because we have to deal with it through the lens of a whole lot of highly personal and sensitive baggage on both sides. There’s also the benefit to me that you guys are unlikely to show up on my doorstep and yell at me personally if you don’t like something I believe or do, which means I can be more honest about my feelings.”

Very true.

Your boyfriend’s parents are in the position of 1) not knowing you very well but 2) probably having lots of opinions about you.

“Also, I guess it’s hormones, but lately I feel unusually testy and irritable, so it seems like exactly the worst moment for his parents to get all up in my face over this. I should probably get the boyfriend to give them fair warning on that.”

Yes. That would be a very good idea. Also, don’t hesitate to play the Pregnant Card.

Example:

“I’m not feeling well. I’m going to have to go to bed early. Goodnight!”

As a rule, people are really nice to pregnant ladies.

I strongly recommend getting hold of the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy and having a good look at it over the holidays. Don’t let the descriptions of the physical damage involved spook you, but Iovine is very good on the emotional side of being pregnant. I would share whatever seems relevant with your boyfriend.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

I can no longer participate in this thread for moral and emotion reasons.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

It’s complicated to explain to someone with no background in the religion or culture. The simple answer is that it has to do with the Asatru view on when ensoulment happens exactly and the spiritual nature of blood kinship and the role of ancestors. Non-familial adoption would be almost impossible to arrange under those circumstances and, aside from my parents, there really aren’t any good candidates for familial adoption. If there’s just no way my boyfriend and I can work out any of the possible scenarios of keeping and raising the child between us, my parents would be the next option to consider, but general adoption as it is commonly practiced would not be an option. It probably sounds weird from a Catholic perspective, but that’s because the religions have very different beliefs and priorities where life is concerned. That being said, I don’t want to debate the subject, I’d rather focus on figuring out how to make both abortion and adoption unnecessary concerns…

I can no longer participate in this thread for moral and emotional reasons.

 

[RoseMary131]

So far, his parents have been very demanding,

they’ve already said they don’t approve of the relationship, so that plus their behavior so far makes it difficult for me to feel like talking to them is going to be helpful in anyway. They might surprise me, though, so maybe it won’t be a fiasco.

If they are demanding and if they are pushing their son to marry you… how does that relate to them not approving of your relationship?

It seems to me if they are wanting you two to marry that it means they have a big acceptance of the relationship.

They may not approve of all aspects, but they must be approving and caring enough if they are pushing for marriage.

Please keep yourself at Peace, not worrying about all the possible things that “might” be said. Don’t let Fear and Panic keep you worried.

Keep your focus on your precious little one, yourself, and your dear boyfriend. Allow yourself to think about the positive events in your little one’s life. You’ll be able to tell your baby one day how you carried her all around in your belly with your archaeology work as you completed your school work, etc. Your little one will enjoy any time you can take her along on any digs, even if it means someone watches her at the site while you continue with your work.

You’ll make a great mom, what child wouldn’t enjoy the adventures with mom in archeology or hearing of mom’s tales. She’ll love learning about the lives of the people who lived at the sites you uncover.

I’m not sure what all types of help you will need, but if you look back through your life, you will probably notice that you have been able to meet most of your needs and many of your dreams. There’s no reason to think you can’t do so now with your little one. Mothers and fathers have always wondered “how will our new baby change our life, how can we find the time or money, how is this going to work”… and it does work. You will make this work for your little baby.

Archeology work most likely means you have a drive for adventure, a passion for solving the unknown, for study and for physical work in interesting settings, and following your dreams. Sounds like you’ll be a great mom adding your natural instincts of mothering.

I know you said you were looking on how to keep your little one and not to think you need to abort your little one or have someone else raise her. You can do this. You don’t have to have all of your answers on life with your baby decided now. You will be able to meet your new needs as they arise.

Take care of meeting your changing needs in nutrition and rest. This will help in the emotional changes as your body continues this change in hormones and you learn to accept and relax with these new hormonal based emotions and feelings.

May you be filled with Peace. May your dear boyfriend be filled with Peace. May your child’s grandparents find Peace within themselves so when they meet with you, the day will be one of Love.

The three of you and all four grandparents are in my prayers. God’s blessing one each of you. (I know you and your dear boyfriend are not Christians and I don’t know your belief on God - but as a Christian, this is my prayer for you - hoping it does not offend you.)

 

[RoseMary131]

If there’s just no way my boyfriend and I can work out any of the possible scenarios of keeping and raising the child **between **us, my parents would be the next option to consider,

as it’s time rather than money that is the issue

Hello Gullveig,

Can you explain a bit more what sort of issues you and your dear boy friend are concerned regarding the needs of your precious baby so we can focus advice with specific ideas?

I see time is an issue, can you explain what portions of time you might need help? Most likely people here can give you a few possibilities.

On the chance that you might feel it is best for your parents to raise their dear grandchild, how might we be able to help you with options on those needs. You mentioned incase you and your dear boyfriend can’t raise your dear child **between **the two of you - then your dear parents are an option for their grandchild.

Does that mean you are looking for a way that both you and your dear boyfriend can raise your baby together? Is that one of the factors we can offer advice regarding -advice on both of you being able to be in her life as a two parent home or in two homes?

Have you spoken with your dear parents about the possibility you might want them to raise or help raise your little one?

May you be at Peace.

 

[HouseArrest]

Thanks for the advice, folks. I do appreciate it.

I didn’t know that pregnancies were so varied. Hmm. I went and talked to my advisor today and he said that he hasn’t seen it done a lot personally, but he’s known female archaeologists who were able to work in the field up until the last month or so, and the project site for the spring should be relatively low impact with no heavy machinery or anything involved, so its possible. And fieldwork would only last through the middle of April, so that might turn out okay barring complications.

I haven’t really ruled out anything at this point, though abortion is definitely not anywhere near the top of the list. That’s the only thing we can honestly tell his parents right now and I’m betting that that doesn’t make them feel better. I understand their position, but I don’t really feel the need to get dragged into an unproductive argument on the subject. I’m inclined to keep the baby if at all possible, he definitely wants to, and we’re discussing scenarios on how to make that work. Adoption would be problematic for religious reasons for both of us, so that is to be avoided as well.

His parents did say that they wouldn’t tell anyone else about it yet so it wouldn’t be the elephant in the room if we did come up for Thanksgiving and that they wouldn’t be too pushy, but I don’t really believe that part considering their reaction so far. Typically, he goes up there for Thanksgiving anyway, though, since Christmas is a touchy subject due to the religious difference between him and his parents, so I don’t want him to miss out on seeing his family during the holidays. So, I was talking to him this evening about going up a day or two in advance maybe, staying in a hotel, and seeing how things go. If it turned into drama, we could go home or he could stay and I could go home or whatever. I’ve only met them in person for a couple of hours once and I haven’t met any of the rest of his family, so I suppose it would be helpful to see if they do behave themselves and what they’re like when they’re at home. It still feels like voluntarily stepping into the arena, though.

Remember that information went from you to him to them and then back through him to you. I think if you are going to make a visit to their home for Thanksgiving a positive attitude will go very far. Don’t expect and look for problems, expect and look for a positive visit. I am sure there will be some of both, but it will go a long way to focus on the good.

I am not sure how old your boyfriend is. You say he is ten years older than you, and that you are finishing a PhD (did I get that right?) so it is not like he is in his twenties, correct? Still I wonder if maybe the parents are praying and hoping for him to revert back to the faith at some point in his life. I would. And this pregnancy with you makes his conversion less likely, and if it does happen, very complicated.

Good luck to you, your boyfriend, and your new baby. Enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible. Good luck with your upcoming job. I hope the pregnancy is problem free so that you can enjoy this opportunity!

 

[MJJean]

It’s complicated to explain to someone with no background in the religion or culture. The simple answer is that it has to do with the Asatru view on when ensoulment happens exactly and the spiritual nature of blood kinship and the role of ancestors. Non-familial adoption would be almost impossible to arrange under those circumstances and, aside from my parents, there really aren’t any good candidates for familial adoption. If there’s just no way my boyfriend and I can work out any of the possible scenarios of keeping and raising the child between us, my parents would be the next option to consider, but general adoption as it is commonly practiced would not be an option. It probably sounds weird from a Catholic perspective, but that’s because the religions have very different beliefs and priorities where life is concerned. That being said, I don’t want to debate the subject, I’d rather focus on figuring out how to make both abortion and adoption unnecessary concerns.

There’s a difference in my mind between anonymous strangers on the internet and non-objective strangers in real life. You guys are not emotionally involved in the situation, so you have a better chance of giving objective advice that both I and the parents might be overlooking because we have to deal with it through the lens of a whole lot of highly personal and sensitive baggage on both sides. There’s also the benefit to me that you guys are unlikely to show up on my doorstep and yell at me personally if you don’t like something I believe or do, which means I can be more honest about my feelings. So far, his parents have been very demanding, so I’m not inclined to open up to them more than I absolutely have to until they back off. They seemed to have dialed it down a little when he last talked to them, so we’ll see if it carries over to a face to face discussion and go from there.

They might. But there’s really not much at all they would be able to help with, as it’s time rather than money that is the issue and they’ve already said they don’t approve of the relationship, so that plus their behavior so far makes it difficult for me to feel like talking to them is going to be helpful in anyway. They might surprise me, though, so maybe it won’t be a fiasco.

Also, I guess it’s hormones, but lately I feel unusually testy and irritable, so it seems like exactly the worst moment for his parents to get all up in my face over this. I should probably get the boyfriend to give them fair warning on that.

I understand your faith a bit. I was Pagan at one time and my ex follows a similar tradition to yours. So, you see your options as keeping and raising the baby, family adoption if a suitable and willing relative can be found, and abortion. Your main concern is time to complete your education and get field experience. And you seem to also be questioning exactly how you want to handle your BF’s parents.

Babies are portable and washable. They also adjust to new surroundings, are tougher than we think, and appreciate new things to look at as much as we do. Not to mention a lot of people really like them, so people are willing to help out when a baby is around just because they want to cuddle and play with it.

Babies also don’t need half the stuff modern society says they do. A bag containing some spare clothes, wipies, diapers, formula/breast milk in a bottle, a few toys, a couple blankets, rash ointment, thermometer, teething gel, and infant Tylenol along with infant Motrin (you alternate meds when baby is sick to knock down fever and prevent baby from becoming immune to one of the meds). Add in a Pack n Play (fold up, lightweight, portable playpen/crib) and maybe a vibrating bouncy seat and you’re good to go. When I just had just the one baby I lugged her with me here, there, and everywhere. It really was no big deal.

You absolutely can make your education and field experience work with an infant. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is over thinking and over complicating things. Don’t fall into that trap and you’ll be fine.

Maybe the parents don’t approve of the relationship because they know it’s sexual (pregnancy is clear evidence of that!) and disapprove only because you aren’t married. Not to mention they really don’t know you well and could have some preconceived notions about you. Be polite, be yourself, get to know them. Even if they never really approve of you, you are their sons choice, not theirs. Remember that.

It’s entirely possible they will warm up after time. My husbands parents certainly did not approve of me when my husband told them we were dating and I was pregnant sans wedding ring. With time and visits they got to know me, my DH and I eventually got married, and now I get along very well with my in-laws.

You’re pregnant. Your hormones are making you a bit insane. It’s normal. Yes, have the BF warn the parents, lol. Pregnant women can be snarky one minute, overreact the next, and be in tears right after. Anyone who has spent any time with a pregnant lady will understand. Always a good idea to try to remember that you are hormonal and recognize when you are acting a certain way because that is how you are and recognize when it’s the hormones. If the hormones get to you just say so! “Sorry. I didn’t mean that. It’s the hormones. I’m not myself right now.” Perfectly reasonable and perfectly understandable.

If it makes you feel any better, my husbands brother’s ex wife is an archaeologist. She left my BIL when their daughter was very young and decided to pursue her degree as a single mother. My husband’s niece was carted all around the southwest and as far away as central America. I remember thinking how great it would be to be a kid and to travel, meet all kinds of people, see interesting things, have my mom explaining them to me. The niece is now in her early 20’s and just graduated from Columbia. It can be done.

 

[Gullveig]

If they are demanding and if they are pushing their son to marry you… how does that relate to them not approving of your relationship?

It seems to me if they are wanting you two to marry that it means they have a big acceptance of the relationship.

They may not approve of all aspects, but they must be approving and caring enough if they are pushing for marriage

When I met them a few months ago, they made some strong objections to my boyfriend afterwards. Mostly about the age difference and the religion, but there were apparently some other things that he didn’t want to talk about. I get the strong impression from the way they’ve behaved to date that they think I’m not good enough, and their insistence that we get married seems to come purely from the fact that I’m pregnant and they’re afraid that I might run off and have an abortion or something if we don’t. A lot of this is second hand information, which is one of the reasons I’ve agreed to go up there and give them a chance to talk about it reasonably. He said he told them yesterday that we were going to come up early and that we will definitely both leave if they can’t be respectful, so hopefully if we have to talk about all this, it will go more smoothly than it has so far.

Can you explain a bit more what sort of issues you and your dear boy friend are concerned regarding the needs of your precious baby so we can focus advice with specific ideas?

I see time is an issue, can you explain what portions of time you might need help? Most likely people here can give you a few possibilities.

On the chance that you might feel it is best for your parents to raise their dear grandchild, how might we be able to help you with options on those needs. You mentioned incase you and your dear boyfriend can’t raise your dear child between the two of you - then your dear parents are an option for their grandchild.

Does that mean you are looking for a way that both you and your dear boyfriend can raise your baby together? Is that one of the factors we can offer advice regarding -advice on both of you being able to be in her life as a two parent home or in two homes?

Have you spoken with your dear parents about the possibility you might want them to raise or help raise your little one?

I haven’t spoken to my parents about it yet. I wanted to keep it mostly to ourselves until we had figured out what to do. My mother’s mother died recently, so I want to give her a little more time to get through that before laying this on her. I’m not worried about their reaction, as they’re part of the same religion as my boyfriend and I and have always been pretty supportive.

At present, it’s the pregnancy that’s the biggest hurdle because if I’m not able to handle field work in the spring that’s basically a year’s work down the drain on my current project, which impacts funding and all kinds of other things. So, a lot of it really hinges on whether I’m going to be physically able to finish out the spring field school. I’m looking into whether I could get a grad student volunteer or hire one to help out so that I could move to doing some of the less physically intensive stuff towards the end of the semester.

Beyond the delivery, though, it’s just that my career, once I’m out of school, will require a lot of extended travel and long hours like MJJean indicated and my boyfriend travels with his work often at the moment as well, although usually just for a week or a few days at a time. So, if we get married, he and the kid would either have to travel with me, which would affect his ability to work, or put up with me being gone for long stretches of time. If we don’t get married and I’m the custodial parent, the kid will have to come with me, which means he wouldn’t get to see the kid for months at a time, which I would feel horrible about, especially since he’s really psyched about the baby and wants to be there as much as possible. If he’s the custodial parent, then not only will I be gone a lot and not available to help, which would be hard for me, he will have to juggle whatever travel he still has to do with childcare.

So, we’re looking at whether it would be financially viable for him to primarily be a stay at home dad if we got married and how much he would be able to reduce his travel if we didn’t. The next step beyond that would be to talk to my parents and see if they would be willing to keep the kid during the times when we both have to travel. They only live a couple hours away, so that could work, but it’s not the best solution long-term.

 

[Cojuanco]

Talk to your advisor. I’m guessing you’re a grad student or higher? Federal law likely has protections for women in your situation, so I’d also consult with your union rep/shop steward. Cases like this is what they’re there for.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, graduate directors and advisers handle this sort of thing all the time. (I happen to know one who has been kept very busy with exactly this sort of issue.) Medically speaking, it’s kind of early to talk to them (because you’re not really out of the woods until 12 weeks), but I’d definitely talk to them before school gets out.

And about the in-laws, I wouldn’t base my expectations of what they are going to say just on what you’ve heard second-hand, which would have been their rough draft response. They have probably been talking a lot about the options, and by the time they see you, hopefully they will have a more polished response ready.