Advice on boyfriend/girlfriend relationship

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Hello everybody 🙂

I searched through the forums to find the right thread to post this question but couldn’t find one that was suitable enough, but if there’s a better section for my post, I would appreciate it if you could point me where to post it :).

This is something I can’t talk about with a lot of people. My best friends haven’t found a boyfriend yet and it’s a sensitive issue and I don’t want to hurt/burden them with my problems; other friends aren’t catholics or just aren’t so involved in the church, so an adequate guidance is hard to obtain.

Will try to make the story short so I don’t bore you to death ;):

I’m 28 and currently in a relationship with my boyfriend of the same age for a little over a year now. We’re getting close to a year and a half of being in a relationship. He strayed from the faith after he finished high school, used to be in a youth catholic group but left in bad terms with their leaders.

We’ve talked about chastity, he respects my decision and my beliefs. He hadn’t gone to mass in a loooong time ago, but thanks to God, he has agreed to come with me sometimes, not every sunday but I try to invite him as much as I can.

Before going into a relationship, I prayed to God to guide me in the right direction; asked Him to take him (my boyfriend) away from me if he wasn’t good, I prayed the first time we went out, I prayed, prayed, prayed that if he was right for me, that He would make the way for us to be together.

It’s a very harmonious, respectful and supportive relationship. We get along very well, almost no fighting, obviously we’ve had arguments but we’ve solved the issues talking with respect. I love him very much BUT, there are a few issues that I’m concerned about, wether they represent, or not, a deal breaker:
  1. He doesn’t believe in marriage: Not for the reason you might think; he’s told me he’s witnessed so many people hurt by marriage that he considers it as something that ruins relationships. He believes in a life-long commitment to one person, but because he basically grew in a loveless marriage between his parents (he even tried to get them closer when he was little) and the divorce of his sister, he hasn’t seen happy marriages in his life. He also knows I firmly believe in it. He’s never said “I’ll never get married” but he hasn’t said he will either.
I asked two priests about this and they both adviced me to continue to love him and give him testimony of my faith, pray for him and let God do His work. Still, is a question that raises from time to time. He has told me that he’s thought about a future together.
  1. He’s scared of children: Yes, those are the words he uses, he’s scared of children, of being around children and he gets very uncomfortable when there are many around. His reactions are a bit like a child’s when he’s around them, and he even hugs me when he feels this way, looking for comfort. I asked him why and he told me that when he was little, he was always the shortest boy at school, and that the bigger kids bullied him. So I don’t know if it’s a trauma from his childhood or if he just doesn’t want to have kids (I’ve resolved to ask him directly). He’s admited that he wants to have a family someday.
  2. I think he watches porn: This is an issue I haven’t asked him directly about, but before we were in a relationship, from some things he posted on his fb, I had enough information to know he does. He knows I’m one of pornograpy’s public enemies but we haven’t talked about that subject openly. I’m scared to do so because you know the ton of excuses the world feeds men to believe that this behavior is non harmful and completely normal. As a woman, I get anxious sometimes thinking that he might be watching it, seeing pics of other women and it just hurts a lot. This last one, I don’t know how to deal with. I pray for him and I’m also aware that this is something a lot of men struggle with, and I don’t mean to judge him either.
Those are my main concerns. Sometimes I can deal with them, sometimes I can’t and break down because it hurts to love someone, wanting to have a future together and not even knowing if there’s a* possibility* for it to happen. I’m not looking for a date, I just want to know if there’s a chance for that.

My boyfriend has done many things for me that matter a lot to me, he’s even stopped me when I’ve goten too passionate because I’ve told him that I want to wait until I marry, and that means a lot to me…

Thank you in advance for reading my loooong lines. I will keep praying and I know that God will lead me in His direction in this too. I appreciate any advice you can give me 🙂
 
It just sounds like you have a man who’s wounded…good…but wounded ( and maybe nothing that is his fault).

Can you handle this and maintain your faith?

Then of course there is a chance. But don’t settle! If things are serious, you need to set some standards on what you need.

For a catholic marriage (and he doesn’t have to convert by the way)…what you need is a relationship for life, it must be open to life, the children need to be allowed to be raised catholic and at some point…you need to talk about the masturbation issue.

I agree with your priests…witness your faith to him and love him well…and live a happy life (don’t let him or other things take that away …Jesus wants you to be happy and He wants a spouse for you that will help you and your spouse be an Image of Him in this world).

I HIGHLY suggests you google this CD and get it for yourself!!! It’s called “women, Gods masterpiece” by Christopher West…it’s going to help you see yourself rightly and what a true marriage is all about . I think it would be very helpful to you.

God bless
 
I think that you know the correct answer here. You should only consider marriage to a man who accepts what Christ and His Church teaches. You would be setting yourself and your children up for a life of pain and unhappiness to marry this man unless he embraces the Faith. Be honest with him and with yourself.
 
Thank you very much for the link for the book, I will look into it :).

I think that what makes me question these matters is that both of your opinions are valid, and I drift between them a lot. Sometimes they arise when I read something or remember something. I’m still praying and trust that God will guide me.

I’m aware and I’ve decided to ask all the tough questions at a near future. I plan to have adressed all these issues before and if we reach our second anniversary. I’m not willing to settle for something I know I don’t want and I’m willing to loose this man I love so so much if it’s necessary…as much as it can hurt.
 
Sounds good TMO… and I’m serious about that CD on that site… “woman, Gods masterpiece”

I KNOW it will help you with your decision in this area and how to proceed with him.

SERIOUSLY… I’m soooo sure …that if you don’t have the money to get it (and I’d get it before you make any big step with him)… I’ll even buy it for you if you feel comfortable giving me your mailing address. I’m serious…it will really really help. SO please try to get it, and if you seriously can’t afford it… i’ll get it for you.

God bless
 
I think you are thinking clearly and correctly about this relationship. There certainly are issues which you should be concerned about. I do not have any definite advice. I don’t know what you should do. Perhaps the advice of the priests is best.

I am married and have children, but there was a time before marriage when my wife did not want marriage or children. I guess some people can change their minds.

That is not to say that your boyfriend will change. How would you feel, and what would you do, if he remained in his current frame of mind? I am sorry to ask this question, but you should consider it.

God bless you! May the Holy Spirit assist and guide you in this matter and always.
 
good point Bery.

My dad always said that “If you ever loan money to someone …expect as though you’ll never get it back.”

Same applies here I think
 
Yes, I’m very aware of what I’ll do if these issues can’t be solved. In practical terms, if these issues aren’t cleared by our second anniversary, I’m willing to break it up. It hurts to the core everytime I think about it but, I can’t stand waiting forever to see wether or not he’ll change his mind.

Michael what you said sums well how I see him: he’s a good man, but a wounded one. This is a process in wich I’ll have to leave completely in God’s hands. I will do my part regarding asking the questions, praying, love him BUT I won’t try to convince him to change, EVER. This has been my approach with him because you can’t force someone to convert, to go to mass every sunday, to change his views overnight; this is something only God can do and really, He’s the only one who knows how it will all end. Some things have slowly started to change, like him going to mass with me, (he didn’t want to at the begining of the relationship), saying he’d like a family someday, and the thoughts of a future together. Please pray for me and for us, so that God gives us both the wisdom to proceed. I’m praying for his conversion as well, even if we don’t end up getting married. At least, if we don’t, I would have left something good in his life.

God, that last line hurt 😛

Jesus I trust in thee…
 
TMO said:
  1. He doesn’t believe in marriage: Not for the reason you might think; he’s told me he’s witnessed so many people hurt by marriage that he considers it as something that ruins relationships. He believes in a life-long commitment to one person, but because he basically grew in a loveless marriage between his parents (he even tried to get them closer when he was little) and the divorce of his sister, he hasn’t seen happy marriages in his life. He also knows I firmly believe in it. He’s never said “I’ll never get married” but he hasn’t said he will either.
I asked two priests about this and they both adviced me to continue to love him and give him testimony of my faith, pray for him and let God do His work. Still, is a question that raises from time to time. He has told me that he’s thought about a future together.
Click to expand...
All kinds of red flags are going up, at least for me. No marriage! No! So, he wants to live together, in sin. Well, it’d be a sin for you both, a mortal one, meaning one you could go to hell for…for all eternity…and him, as well!

He doesn’t seem committed to this relationship. He can put all the excuses he likes, but I think he is not willing to commit to you, doesn’t love you enough, is probably using you for sex. He doesn’t want to be tied down, no strings. He can have sex. When he has had enough with you, gets tired of you, he is free to move to another woman with your permission.

Well, you list yourself as “Catholic”. As a Catholic, your faith says not to have sexual relations out of marriage. Period. It’s a mortal sin…means one you, and he, can go to hell for all eternity for.

You are both made in the image and likeness of God! You are both in the divine image. Marriage is holy, a sacrament, not to be used.

If you both have sex outside marriage, this is a breaking of the 6th commandment, specifically. See also the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Scroll down to paragraph 2353. vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm
TMO said:
  1. He’s scared of children: Yes, those are the words he uses, he’s scared of children, of being around children and he gets very uncomfortable when there are many around. His reactions are a bit like a child’s when he’s around them, and he even hugs me when he feels this way, looking for comfort. I asked him why and he told me that when he was little, he was always the shortest boy at school, and that the bigger kids bullied him. So I don’t know if it’s a trauma from his childhood or if he just doesn’t want to have kids (I’ve resolved to ask him directly). He’s admited that he wants to have a family someday.
Click to expand...
Ah…so he wants indefinite sex…no marriage, no commitment, no strings,…no children. How very convenient for him. What he considers the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibilities!

Again, if you two marry in the Catholic Church, he would be expected to be open to having children, and NOT use contraception, since that’s a sin, as well per Catechism of the Catholic Church. Contraception is in violation of the 6th commandment, specifically. 2366 on.
vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm
TMO said:
  1. I think he watches porn: This is an issue I haven’t asked him directly about, but before we were in a relationship, from some things he posted on his fb, I had enough information to know he does. He knows I’m one of pornograpy’s public enemies but we haven’t talked about that subject openly. I’m scared to do so because you know the ton of excuses the world feeds men to believe that this behavior is non harmful and completely normal. As a woman, I get anxious sometimes thinking that he might be watching it, seeing pics of other women and it just hurts a lot. This last one, I don’t know how to deal with. I pray for him and I’m also aware that this is something a lot of men struggle with, and I don’t mean to judge him either.
Click to expand...
Again, pornography is in violation of the 6th commandment. vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm
Scroll down to section 2354 pornography.
TMO said:
Those are my main concerns. Sometimes I can deal with them, sometimes I can’t and break down because it hurts to love someone, wanting to have a future together and not even knowing if there’s a* possibility* for it to happen. I’m not looking for a date, I just want to know if there’s a chance for that.

My boyfriend has done many things for me that matter a lot to me, he’s even stopped me when I’ve goten too passionate because I’ve told him that I want to wait until I marry, and that means a lot to me…

Thank you in advance for reading my loooong lines. I will keep praying and I know that God will lead me in His direction in this too. I appreciate any advice you can give me 🙂
Click to expand...
Also, what religion is he?

I’d strongly encourage you to marry someone of your same faith who shares your same values, or else fights are almost guaranteed. They won’t necessarily happen right now but in the future, after marriage, when children come into the picture, etc.
 
Also, consider the Bible:
1 Corinthians, 6:9-10
  • Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither** fornicators *nor idolaters nor adulterers nor boy prostitutes nor sodomites
    10
    nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor robbers will inherit the kingdom of God.
    11
 
A friend of mine told me a lot of women go into marriage thinking, “I can change him” and are disappointed when they can’t. A lot of men go into marriage thinking, “She’ll always stay the same”, and that isn’t true, either. You have to be able to accept him as he is, and vice versa.
 
Any advice on how to adress the porn issue? I have outlined in my head how to deal with the other 2 issues but this one I find rather difficult to handle.
 
Yes but TMO, that last line proves true life and that at least you are in the proper state.

It will be interesting to see how this turns out.
 
Umm clearwater, I appreciate your advice but I think you haven’t understood the reality of our relationship: no we don’t have sex, no I don’t plan to live with him if we’re not married and yes, I’m catholic and try to sat in the right path. My boyfriend was raised as a catholic, but changed his views after an arguments with the leaders of his youth group.

To me, I think they’re yellow flags at this point…and that’s why I’ve asked for some advice. The fact he respects me enough to have a sexless relationship and my beliefs is valuable in these days, specially if he’s a not a practicing catholic, wich is why I consider to adress these issues rather than flat out break up with him without even discussing these matters.**
 
In addition to the great advice the other posters have given, please consider this. Most likely he needs treatment from a good counselor for PTSD. I was severely bullied as a child and as a result find being around children traumatizing. I got diagnosed with PTSD and I am being treated for it. PTSD is often associated with soldiers.but other people can experience it too. I believe the traumatizing events alter one’s brain chemistry, making someone very anxious with the right stimuli. It is sad because although I love children in my heart, I can’t stand being near them. I avoid them as much as possible. Just hearing them talk puts me over the edge. I also can’t be near shopping carts and I avoid listening to music whenever possible.

Anyway, in order for a marriage to be a valid Catholic one, both parties must be open to having children. For me, it was not an issue because when I got married I was too old to have them.

Maybe with medication, therapy and gradual positive exposure to children he could get desensitized to them and learn to love them. I don’t know. As far as the marriage thing, I come from a broken home and have one of the best marriages around. I will pray for you both.
 
I’m surprised more people aren’t seeing the obvious here, but I think you should run as fast as you can. Let’s see, he’s afraid of marriage (which could be just an excuse for the fact that he’s a commitiment phone), doesn’t really want kids, doesn’t believe in the Church’s teachings, and is most likely a porn addict.

You might want to, but you cannot fix this man. You can do so much better and it seems to me like you’re settling for a guy in hopes that you can fix him later. Don’t be fooled, these problems will most likely magnify, not decrease, after marriage. Also, with these kinds of beliefs and attitudes, is this the man you want as the father of your child? He will pass on his values to your kids.

The pornography problem in particular can have devastating effects on your marriage, and your boyfriend doesn’t even believe it’s wrong. This relationship is way too risky. Save yourself a lot of heartache and breakaway from this man. It is difficult to be alone, but being unequally yoked is that much harder.
 
As much as we can choose to love or help anyone, a marriage celebrated by placing God above all, yes all, anyone or anything, is the type of marriage that you appear to seek. Since actions speak louder than words, after one year, any person interested in the same type of married life would enthusiastically share in same or similar aspirations as you.

However, after the initial boyfriend-girlfriend honeymoon period has passed, there appears to be no genuine interest in a loving relationship with God, no sincere desire to be married in the eyes of God and no passion to be open to joining as one with you to help raise loving new souls together. Seems like your boyfriend may be enjoying life as is right now, how long can that continue?

Sometimes our love for others can cloud our objective reasoning though this is like two horses pulling on a cart with each travelling in a different direction at different speeds, surely the cart would be expected to topple over?

As mentioned, pornography is a mortal sin, that has been covered well by ClearWater, who amongst many here in these forums, is very wise in discerning prudent courses of action by placing God above all.

In short, feel free to help your boyfriend, this is why you posted here. A call to help him is a very separate matter to choosing a potential lifetime with someone who shares no genuine passion to live together with you as you do by placing God above all in every part of your individual and collective lives.

By your own words, God led you here, listen carefully to responses of your prayers with the discernment of the Holy Spirit through the boundless love of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I made a less than prudent life choice to marry someone who had no genuine passion to place God above all, our cart toppled over and far too many people were hurt. I would hope that no one ever makes that type of choice with anyone they are contemplating a lifetime with, there are too many crosses we carry in life without needing to carry more.

If your boyfriend, by his own free will choice, passionately chooses to place God above all in thoughts, prayers, words and actions, then that would be close to a miracle, do you agree? If so, pray for him, as we each do for him and you in our own unique ways.

Lord, have mercy on TMO’s boyfriend, please grant this soul many graces and angelic help in the face of every temptation. Instil in this soul a zeal to find the sacrament of reconciliation, at the least when any mortal sin is committed. Shine your divine light into this darkened pilgrimage, that this soul be emboldened by the warmth of your radiance and strive for holy obedience, now, unto the eternal garden of joy. Cultivate in this soul the virtues of joy, faith, hope, and love. Have mercy, Lord. Our Lady, angels, and saints, pray with us. Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

†

Blessings and peace. 🙂
 
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