Advice on boyfriend/girlfriend relationship

[TMO]

Thank you very much for all of your answers…I’m completely heart broken and don’t know how long I can delay these conversations with my boyfriend. This might just be the hardest thing I’ve ever faced and I’m thankful for your prayers. I really do need them.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I am married almost 25 years to a man I call “my St. Joseph”. When I was dating, I would not go on even one date unless the guy was going to a Catholic Church, on his own, because of his own faith and belief. I came into the Church in my 20’s and came out of a family that did not have any interest in God or church. There was addiction problems and darkness and coming into the Church was like stepping into this ray of brilliant light. From my perspective, I am always very surprised at how long relationships go on when a Catholic person is dating a someone who has zero interest in the Church. Why put yourself in that position? Why get attached and then try to fit a square peg into a round hole? The longer the relationship goes on, the harder it gets on both parties.

I want to firm up your resolve to find a Catholic man. Imagine being married to a man who goes to church every Sunday, who kneels down and prays reverently, not just in the pew, but at home. Someone who waits in line to go to confession, who does the sign of the cross. Someone who shuts the TV off and pulls out the rosary. This is a man who will lead his children by example. Any kids you are blessed with will have this strong masculine model to see every day. You can be sure they will see if dad stays home on Sunday and won’t pray and won’t even do the sign of the cross. Do you think your kids will have anything to do with the Church by the time they are 16 if dad has no interest? In the most critical time in their life, they will leave the Church.

A man of faith will know how to draw down graces from heaven on his family, his marriage, and the whole world. This is our calling as Catholics! To walk hand in hand and to strengthen each other! At the end of your life you will come together before God, holding hands, and say that you did the best you could, and it will be true. To marry a man with no interest in God will mean you will come before God and have to give an account on how much you compromised to keep the peace. What position do you want to be in on that day? A Catholic spouse that has faith is worth their weight in gold. They are worth waiting for, praying for. Please don’t try to fit a square peg into a round hole. Your children and grandchildren depend on a sober and smart choice. God bless and strengthen you today.

 

[Bezant]

TMO

While there’s no such thing as a relationship deadline, by now you lot should share the same mindset as to your direction together. Your divergent religious outlooks tally one issue, yes, but the actual problem here is the lack of honesty. It sounds like you’ve just been “gliding” through for a while: you get on well, care about each other, but you’ve skimmed really concrete stuff like marriage and the children thing. Perhaps initially you saw something promising in each other without questioning exactly what you wanted or why, and thus avoided rocking the boat, in hope that your affection would smooth over future problems. God makes matches in heaven (including uneven yokes) but couples also need to put some effort into discerning each other – it’s good you recognise that now.

I love him very much BUT, there are a few issues that I’m concerned about, wether they represent, or not, a deal breaker:

1. He doesn’t believe in marriage: Not for the reason you might think; he’s told me he’s witnessed so many people hurt by marriage that he considers it as something that ruins relationships. He also knows I firmly believe in it. He’s never said “I’ll never get married” but he hasn’t said he will either. He has told me that he’s thought about a future together.

He may imagine your future together, but if he thinks marriage brings misery then he doesn’t want a miserable future, correct?

The real question is not, “What does he think about marriage?” You know that already. Rather, is marriage your deal breaker? Are you willing to wait and see if he changes his mind? Is he worth the wait? Or, would you meet him halfway and go for a long-term domestic partnership? Know where you stand before you bring up the matter with him.

1. He’s scared of children: Yes, those are the words he uses, he’s scared of children, of being around children and he gets very uncomfortable when there are many around. His reactions are a bit like a child’s when he’s around them, and he even hugs me when he feels this way, looking for comfort. I asked him why and he told me that when he was little, he was always the shortest boy at school, and that the bigger kids bullied him. So I don’t know if it’s a trauma from his childhood or if he just doesn’t want to have kids (I’ve resolved to ask him directly). He’s admited that he wants to have a family someday.

Now, some people just aren’t keen on children because they’re disruptive, rude, etc. With men there’s also this added pressure from the default societal assumption that male adult strangers are predatory/up-to-no-good/dodgy. That would be another legit reason to shy away from kids. Actually, I’m somewhat detached towards children outside my family for the same.

What you describe however is not normal behaviour and I reckon it would interfere with his daily life (not to mention his visions). Deal breaker? Depends. Everyone has problems and even the greatest people in the world have dysfunctions and buried secrets and irrational fears. Does the (presumed) fact that his affect him more than the average person mean he’s “damaged” goods? No. However, he does need seek help from the right people and at least attempt to manage his phobia so that it doesn’t “trap” him or your relationship. If it does, then you need to question whether he’d really be prepared to handle a family, and how long you would be willing to hold his hand as he sinks. Severe trauma doesn’t just go away or resurface on your schedule. Tread gently, encourage him to open up about the experience more. You’ll probably need to have several conversations about it over time.

1. I think he watches porn: This is an issue I haven’t asked him directly about, but before we were in a relationship, from some things he posted on his fb, I had enough information to know he does.

I think this is symptomatic of your divergent religious views and poor clarity, therefore unless his activities are illegal or particularly indiscreet or excessive you should treat it as a minor issue. Sort out the “What do we want, where are we going?” bit first as that is your foundation, then move on from there.

 

[Bezant]

TMO

While there’s no such thing as a relationship deadline, by now you lot should share the same mindset as to your direction together. Your divergent religious outlooks tally one issue, yes, but the actual problem here is the lack of honesty. It sounds like you’ve just been “gliding” through for a while: you get on well, care about each other, but you’ve skimmed really concrete stuff like marriage and the children thing. Perhaps initially you saw something promising in each other without questioning exactly what you wanted or why, and thus avoided rocking the boat, in hope that your affection would smooth over future problems. God makes matches in heaven (including uneven yokes) but couples also need to put some effort into discerning each other – it’s good you recognise that now.

I love him very much BUT, there are a few issues that I’m concerned about, wether they represent, or not, a deal breaker: He doesn’t believe in marriage: Not for the reason you might think; he’s told me he’s witnessed so many people hurt by marriage that he considers it as something that ruins relationships. He also knows I firmly believe in it. He’s never said “I’ll never get married” but he hasn’t said he will either. He has told me that he’s thought about a future together.

He may imagine your future together, but if he thinks marriage brings misery then he doesn’t want a miserable future, correct?

The real question is not, “What does he think about marriage?” You know that already. Rather, is marriage your deal breaker? Are you willing to wait and see if he changes his mind? Is he worth the wait? Or, would you meet him halfway and go for a long-term domestic partnership? Know where you stand before you bring up the matter with him.

1. He’s scared of children: Yes, those are the words he uses, he’s scared of children, of being around children and he gets very uncomfortable when there are many around. His reactions are a bit like a child’s when he’s around them, and he even hugs me when he feels this way, looking for comfort. I asked him why and he told me that when he was little, he was always the shortest boy at school, and that the bigger kids bullied him. So I don’t know if it’s a trauma from his childhood or if he just doesn’t want to have kids (I’ve resolved to ask him directly). He’s admited that he wants to have a family someday.

Now, some people just aren’t keen on children because they’re disruptive, rude, etc. With men there’s also this added pressure from the default societal assumption that male adult strangers are predatory/up-to-no-good/dodgy. That would be another legit reason to shy away from kids. Actually, I’m somewhat detached towards children outside my family for the same.

What you describe however is not normal behaviour and I reckon it would interfere with his daily life (not to mention his visions). Deal breaker? Depends. Everyone has problems and even the greatest people in the world have dysfunctions and buried secrets and irrational fears. Does the (presumed) fact that his affect him more than the average person mean he’s “damaged” goods? No. However, he does need seek help from the right people and at least attempt to manage his phobia so that it doesn’t “trap” him or your relationship. If it does, then you need to question whether he’d really be prepared to handle a family, and how long you would be willing to hold his hand as he sinks. Severe trauma doesn’t just go away or resurface on your schedule. Tread gently, encourage him to open up about the experience more. You’ll probably need to have several conversations about it over time.

1. I think he watches porn: This is an issue I haven’t asked him directly about, but before we were in a relationship, from some things he posted on his fb, I had enough information to know he does.

I think this is symptomatic of your divergent religious views and poor clarity, therefore unless his activities are illegal or particularly indiscreet or excessive you should treat it as a minor issue. Sort out the “What do we want, where are we going?” bit first as that is your foundation, then move on from there.

 

[Kelfa28]

Why is he dating you if he has no interest in marriage or children? Especially if you have made it crystal clear that you won’t have sex until marriage.

I don’t get it.

Does he understand your position on all aspects of the Church? That we are not just dating but discerning marriage? That we are called to be open to having children throughout marriage, ie no birth control or surgeries? That we are called to raise our children in the faith? That masturbation is a grave matter and porn can ruin any relationship or marriage?

I guess I don’t understand him and his intentions more then you. Is he just patiently waiting for you to mess up and sleep with him? I’m being serious, otherwise what is the point of pursuing an endless relationship with someone who won’t have sex if you don’t want marriage or kids?

Breakup with him before it becomes a total disaster. Something bad will happen and you will regret it.

 

[TMO]

Quick update:

Had a conversation with him today about the issues I mentioned…he is thinking in a future together and does want children. I opened up to him because I just couldn’t keep it inside any longer…he also opened up to me and told me that he hadn’t talked about it more seriously with me because of our curretn economic situation (El Salvador is a third world country, and even though I have my degree on nutrition and also studying a masters’ degree, finding a job has been very difficult for me); prior to this he had mentioned before that he’s also investing in a small business he’s just started for a better future, me included but I didn’t know wether to take it seriously or not.

About children he told me he does want them, he’s a bit scared because he fears they’ll go through the same struggles he dealt with in his childhood but that it is something that he wants.

Regarding sex, I reassured him again that I was not going to change my mind about it, and told me that if he had to wait, he’ll wait.

So the only issue left is pornography, wich I’ll discuss with him in the near future. For now my biggest concerns are clear and well, I went to mass today, asked God to let it be whatever He wanted it to be…so, seems like there’s a turn on things…

Would like to hear your opinions about this new development. Thank you so much for all of your advices and prayers

 

[drz888]

Quick update:

Had a conversation with him today about the issues I mentioned…he is thinking in a future together and does want children. I opened up to him because I just couldn’t keep it inside any longer…he also opened up to me and told me that he hadn’t talked about it more seriously with me because of our curretn economic situation (El Salvador is a third world country, and even though I have my degree on nutrition and also studying a masters’ degree, finding a job has been very difficult for me); prior to this he had mentioned before that he’s also investing in a small business he’s just started for a better future, me included but I didn’t know wether to take it seriously or not.

About children he told me he does want them, he’s a bit scared because he fears they’ll go through the same struggles he dealt with in his childhood but that it is something that he wants.

Regarding sex, I reassured him again that I was not going to change my mind about it, and told me that if he had to wait, he’ll wait.

So the only issue left is pornography, wich I’ll discuss with him in the near future. For now my biggest concerns are clear and well, I went to mass today, asked God to let it be whatever He wanted it to be…so, seems like there’s a turn on things…

Would like to hear your opinions about this new development. Thank you so much for all of your advices and prayers

Thank you for update.

When he chooses to place God above all with prayers, thoughts, words and actions each moment of every day, that will likely be the most joyful new development.

Blessings and peace.

 

[ClearWater]

Any advice on how to adress the porn issue? I have outlined in my head how to deal with the other 2 issues but this one I find rather difficult to handle.

I’ve known of I think 2 ladies who, when they were getting married “put their foot down” and said, “me or the pornography”! lol I think in both those 2 cases, the ladies won out over the pornography, but I don’t think that always happens.

As Catholics, we view pornography, also as a form of infidelity. It uses another person as a sex object…person can be a wife…girlfriend, sister…anybody. In marriage, pornography can also be quite devastating, because the wife can never, ever, measure up to these unrealistic, perfect, expectations. The women are all young, beautiful, attractive, etc. Their flaws are removed with computers. Now, husband comes in, and sees this wife, especially if she’s elderly, and how can a woman compete with that?

 

[TMO]

I’ve known of I think 2 ladies who, when they were getting married “put their foot down” and said, “me or the pornography”! lol I think in both those 2 cases, the ladies won out over the pornography, but I don’t think that always happens.

As Catholics, we view pornography, also as a form of infidelity. It uses another person as a sex object…person can be a wife…girlfriend, sister…anybody. In marriage, pornography can also be quite devastating, because the wife can never, ever, measure up to these unrealistic, perfect, expectations. The women are all young, beautiful, attractive, etc. Their flaws are removed with computers. Now, husband comes in, and sees this wife, especially if she’s elderly, and how can a woman compete with that?

Yes, it is actually what I intend to do! I won’t take the serious step with him unless he overcomes this. I won’t allow such poison between us if Gods grants us the blessing of marriage. But I would like to talk about it even if there’s no engagement atm. Will keep praying to discern how to talk to him about this.

 

[TMO]

Thank you for update.

When he chooses to place God above all with prayers, thoughts, words and actions each moment of every day, that will likely be the most joyful new development.

Blessings and peace.

Yes, it is what I pray for, to God fill his heart and make him happy for all of his life